Name: #235 - Covid Kai | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-01-17T05:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#235 - Covid Kai | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#235 - Covid Kai | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-17. Transcript available.

#235 - Covid Kai | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
So much to cover this week.
As many of you know, I have been banned from Airbnb.
I am no longer allowed to conduct business using the app Airbnb.
I cannot rent property using Airbnb.
I cannot take a property to market with Airbnb.
I received a notification from Airbnb that said, and we will read it for you
right now,
that I believe that I was in violation of one of their safety practices,
all stemming from an event where I rented a property in Joshua Tree.
You didn't delete it, did you?
I probably did.
I think you did.
I did delete it.
Let me check your Instagram.
I deleted it there, too.
It's a tough week on social media to be pushing buttons.
This is not the week on social media to be testing the waters, as they say.
Big tech is ready to paint with a broad brush.
They are ready.
So I might put something up for a minute, and then it might be gone.
And you might go, why is he doing that?
Why is he being a pussy?
I'm being a pussy so that we can all have nice things for a while.
And we want to have an Instagram page.
We want a Twitter account.
We want all of these things.
For as long as we can have them, we would like them.
Thank you.
So sometimes we have to put something up for a minute and go, you see?
And then yank it and get it out of there.
So that's what I had to do, unfortunately.
These are the times we're living in.
But let's go through the facts here.
And I don't want any harm to come to these two women.
I don't like that they are liars.
I don't like people that misrepresent the facts and do so in a way that I
cannot defend myself because there was no process on Airbnb for me to do that.
They just unilaterally removed me from their service.
And this is unfortunate because for the inauguration, I wanted to rent a bunch
of houses in Washington, D.C.
Because a lot of my friends wanted to go down there and congratulate Joe Biden.
And we were trying to get a bunch of homes down there in the surrounding area
in what was what some of my friends were calling the blast zone.
But they just wanted these.
They wanted to get in.
And I.
So that's sad, right?
Amazing.
But we rented an Airbnb in Joshua Tree.
It was very expensive, but we got a good deal on it.
See, so much out there, people speculate as to what's really going on.
They don't have any of the facts.
And I understand.
That's what they have to do, right?
But Airbnbs, if you book them a few hours before they stop accepting bookings
for that period, you usually get a good deal.
So we got this Airbnb for less than half of what it was, okay?
I went in there with Ben, with Ray, and with Lucy, Ray's girlfriend.
We were there one night to just, they had never seen the desert.
They're simple people.
I just wanted to show them the desert.
We found an Airbnb that I thought was pretty cool.
I had contacted the hosts.
They were very aggressive at getting me in there.
They said, well, we're getting another offer for tonight, which was a lie.
They were lying.
They needed the money.
They need the money.
This is the reality.
We stayed there.
We made a meal.
We've covered that ad nauseum.
If you want, you can go back to the last episode and go through what we cooked.
And we left dishes in the sink.
That's all we did.
And now on Joe Rogan, by the way, when Giannis Papas went on Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan's
like who I love, but is like kind of saying, well, you should have cleaned the
dishes.
But what's that?
What's that about?
That's not punk rock.
First of all, you pay a $400 cleaning fee, which I assumed was for cleaning.
You see, that's why I paid the fee.
All you had to do was wash dishes.
A $400 should really give me license to like fuck up the whole house.
Not permanently, but I should be able to have pillow fights and throw comforters
off beds.
And it's $400 for that.
And then there's like, well, it's really for COVID cleaning.
Okay.
It's like, yeah, we know that scam.
It's COVID cleaning and cleaning.
It's the same cleaning, by the way.
You're cleaning.
You're disinfecting.
Nothing's happening in a regular cleaning, in a COVID cleaning.
What are you doing?
So I had paid that money.
Now, after the Airbnb transaction is over, before the different parties, the
renters and the people who've rented write reviews, there's supposed to be no
contact.
Yes.
There's not supposed to be contact.
These two witches, one of them texted me and said, hope you had a great time.
Our cleaning crew had a little bit of a stroke.
LOL.
LOL.
Please give us a five-star review so we can stay on Airbnb.
I was going to do that anyway, because I'm not a rat, even though I wasn't in
love with the accommodations.
I don't, I've stayed in Airbnbs that were dumps.
I never, ever give anyone really less than five stars.
I don't think I've ever done it.
Truly.
You can look at my Airbnb.
I haven't.
Everything I give is five stars.
I never want to fuck up anyone's business with my own whatever.
Let people figure it out the way I figured out this place was a dump.
I don't owe you anything out there.
I don't like to, that's why I hate all this crowdsourced, you know, reviewing
and Yelp and this, that and the other things.
None of it matters.
I don't trust you on Yelp.
I don't trust the masses.
I don't trust the public that gives something five stars and then I walk in and
go, oh, this sucks.
You know, what else has the public made popular that sucked?
Everything.
So, I don't trust them.
So, I just say, five stars.
Keep going on with your business.
Let somebody else figure out that this place is a dump.
The way I did.
I don't care.
So, I give them a five-star review.
They trash me.
They trash me.
Say, I was a bad guest.
And then they start lying.
They said, I broke their stools.
They have these modern stools with concrete slabs.
I put some of these photos up on Instagram.
These are, before I deleted them, these are not, this is not furniture that you
can even break because it's not furniture.
Number one, these are art pieces scattered throughout a house.
It's more of a gallery than a house.
They said that I broke a cactus.
When we walked in, the cactus was all falling all over the floor.
How do you break a cactus?
What do you think I'm doing?
Taking the cactus with the spikes and snapping it while my hands bleed?
You dumb cunts.
What do you even imagine I am doing?
How do you even break a cactus?
What do you think I'm doing?
Trying to sit on it?
Maybe that was it.
Maybe I thought it was one of your chairs.
So, they're lying about what happened.
They're saying I destroyed their property.
Then, I texted them because I was upset.
I was not, I was upset.
And I texted them that, I texted them that I, the kind of that I was going to
burn their house down.
I said, I hope nothing happens to your property, which was that, but I do hope
that nothing happens.
I was being nice to them.
I was saying, I hope nothing happens.
And then, she said, are you threatening me?
And then, I said, we'll see what happens because I'm not threatening you, but
we'll see what happens.
And then, I sent her a gif or a jif, how they call it, with the Simpsons house
burning.
You know, the Simpsons house burns.
This is all good fun.
We're having fun.
I'm a joker and we're having a good time.
And these women probably reported this to Airbnb and they got me kicked off of
Airbnb.
These two women.
They broke a contract, a social contract that I had with them.
They asked me to do something.
I did it.
Okay.
I did not ask them to give me a high rating.
Maybe I should have.
But they gave me not only a low rating, they trashed me and lied about what
happened.
And now, I'm no longer allowed to use Airbnb.
I'm not, I don't have any dealings with these women.
I don't care about these women, Jonah and Mila.
I just, those are your names.
You trashed me on a public forum.
So, I came on my podcast, which is listened to by hundreds of thousands of
people.
And some of them maybe, I don't know what happened.
I don't know what happened.
Maybe they sent you a few little messages, having a good time.
What you did was you dishonest and wrong.
And you're hurting my ability to conduct business.
And I have to speak publicly about this because I have a platform.
It's not my fault that you two don't have a platform.
You know what I mean?
Maybe spend less time eating each other's pussies, drinking out of your tea
collection
and passionately supporting Elizabeth Warren.
I don't know what you're doing.
But all I'm trying to say is this.
You can't get me for being homophobic because I'm also gay.
So, I'm allowed to hate you for who you are.
Not because you're lesbians.
I don't care about lesbians.
I hate you for who you are.
You're insufferable pseudo-intellectuals, pretend designers.
You are not architects.
You are not designers.
You are less than nothing.
You've put together a house that is grotesque.
It is laughable.
It is self-parody, okay?
What you've done.
It is truly embarrassing.
You should have a faggot like me walk through it and let you people know how
wrong you are
about every design choice you've made in your home.
It is an uncomfortable, sterile, doctor's office-like environment that is only
fit for weird, sexless dykes to sit around and fucking drink chamomile tea and
talk about how much they want to munch Elizabeth Warren's box.
That's all that house is for, and I'm sorry that I came in there with love and
light, and I infused your home with a little character, and I'm sorry that you
are shitting on me now I can't use Airbnb.
But that's it.
We're leaving it here.
That's it.
We're just going to leave it here.
Will people rent the house, and will I go back in it?
Yes.
Will I do a live podcast from it?
Absolutely.
Can you legally do anything about that?
Probably not.
I can go as a guest and do a live podcast from your home, and I probably will.
I don't know when.
It's not going to be soon.
It'll be when you think this is all forgotten, and I'll just upload photos of
myself shitting on your toilet, because as long as you keep renting out your
house, people are going to find their way in it, honey.
So again, that's all I'm saying here, and that's my little disclaimer.
I want no harm to come to these women or their business.
I am the bigger person, literally and figuratively.
They look like weird fucking, I don't know, but I've just had enough.
She then texted me, do you want me to get the review removed?
She was probably trying to do some Wheeler Dealers shit.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So now I can't use Airbnb.
Airbnb has deplatformed me, okay?
And some people are rejoicing in that.
That's fine.
I can clearly use other people's Airbnbs, use VRBO, set up a fake account,
being a fake person.
Listen, what?
We'll figure it out.
None of it matters to me anyway.
But I just wanted to clear the air there and just kind of bring people up to
speed that were maybe confused as to why is he putting this stuff on Instagram
and taking it down?
Because there are people out there that now are trying to, my ability to defend
myself publicly is unfortunate.
Now people are trying to take that ability away from me.
So I just want to relax for a minute because these social media tech companies
have gotten rid of the president of the United States.
They will clearly get rid of Tim Dillon, a young patriot who is just trying to
conduct business appropriately.
So that is my two cents about that.
That's what I have to say about the Airbnb.
Don't harass these women.
Don't pay them any mind.
If you rent their home, invite me.
I will come.
We'll do a podcast from their home.
That's all.
And again, nothing.
We won't destroy it.
We'll actually document how lovely we're treating it while we live stream from
their house.
But these are people who are detestable people because of the way they've acted.
And I made a joke to them over a text message about burning down their house.
As a joke, I was sending, first of all, I'm sending the gif of the Simpsons
house burning because wildfires are a problem in Californ