Name: #236 - I Love My Family | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-01-24T05:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#236 - I Love My Family | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#236 - I Love My Family | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-24. Transcript available.

#236 - I Love My Family | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are recording this on January 22nd, Friday, my birthday.
I'm 17 years old and I really have to start taking life seriously now.
You know, I spoke to my parents and we're going to look at colleges and we're
very excited.
And just everything, you know, the future is bright and I have my entire life
ahead of me.
You know, I put up on my Instagram that cum pig photo from a sketch I did years
ago.
Okay, look at that.
Eli Roth, happy birthday to Q.
Very fun.
I put that up and I said, today is my birthday.
I want to thank my parents for all their support.
This is what you created.
Enjoy it.
And my aunt wrote a comment and the comment, let's not find it.
And the comment was, and my cousin sent me the comment.
The comment was, the saddest part is that you have your grandfather's name and
you don't care at all.
And you care nothing about his legacy.
Very, very nasty comment.
Very, very nasty comment.
And you know me, I hate to bring family drama on the show.
I hate that.
You know, I don't do it.
You can get this down.
I really don't do it.
Okay.
My aunt Kathleen, by the way.
Okay.
Comes for me on Instagram.
Brings up my grandfather and insults me on the day of my birth.
Now, let's get something straight, you bum bitch.
Didn't you fake a drug overdose?
Didn't you fake a suicide attempt?
I keenly remember you faking that you overdosed on drugs and you were taken to
a hospital in an ambulance in front of your mother who had just dealt with
grandpa's death.
What part of grandpa's legacy were you honoring with that behavior?
What part of it?
Do you remember that?
I remember you going to a hospital and then having the entire family go worried
about you, not me, but other people.
Because I know what you're up to, you clown bitch.
They went to the hospital and said, what drugs is she on, doctor?
And the doctor goes, there are no drugs in her system.
She literally pretended to be unconscious, so then an ambulance went to the
home, put her in it, and drove her to the hospital, scaring her mother half to
death.
Grandpa's legacy.
Okay, what part of grandpa's legacy were you thinking about when you took his
money for law school and then never practiced law and were fired multiple times
by multiple law firms all over Long Island because you're mentally ill?
Forcing your father to set up a pretend law office for you in your basement
that you pretend to be a lawyer in.
You added a phone line to the house to pretend to be an attorney.
What part of the legacy is that?
What part of the legacy is borrowing money from your more successful brothers
and sisters and not paying any of it back while you sit around the house doing
Percocet and drinking white wine?
What part of the legacy is that?
Are you honoring his days as a carpenter?
Is that what you're honoring by sitting around and getting junked up on the
couch pretending to OD?
And by the way, the life you live, you don't even have to pretend, okay?
You can't even do that right.
So I'm just wondering why you would bring up my grandfather.
I have all the respect in the world for a legendary character, patriarch of an
amazing family, rose from poverty, did all these things.
Why come on my Instagram and say anything negative and bring up a guy who every
day with your life and your choices, where is his legacy in mind?
Kathleen, and I know you watch this, okay?
In between reading Q drops and letting Fox News broil your already Vicodin-addled
brain, okay?
It's the wrong day, Kathleen.
I'm the wrong one.
You know that.
I blocked you on the family.
I got a new phone to get a family fucking group text because you kept texting
people about all the dishes they have to do when they come to the family
parties.
Bitch, no one's coming anymore.
No one cares.
I don't want to be near you.
You should be in a padded room.
How my mother is in an asylum and you have somehow escaped it is beyond me and
it's beyond everybody.
You are a disgrace.
Drug addict, potentially closeted lesbian.
You've never moved out of the house.
Nobody respects you.
You are a pedophile probably.
You are gross around kids.
Nobody wants you fucking taking baths with their fucking kids.
You're a fucking weirdo.
They got to watch you like fucking Epstein.
So don't keep my name out of your mouth, okay?
Pedophile drug addict.
This is the fake business mug.
And the fake business mug is not on sale anymore, is it?
No, it's still for sale.
Oh, it is for sale.
Until the 28th, yeah.
I just thought it was a bit rude how she came from me, brought up my
grandfather, said something very nasty to me.
I mean, what part of my grandfather's legacy do you honor by not working?
This is a guy that worked every day of his life.
So you don't work.
So you don't work.
You don't have a family.
You steal money.
You fake drug overdoses.
You're a moral degenerate.
You have no respect for people.
You drive wedges in between people in the family.
And you attack successful people in the family.
My grandfather did none of those things.
He was a devoutly religious, incredibly generous, brilliant, hard worker who
raised an entire family.
You are the exact opposite of all of those things.
All of those things.
Okay?
Every one of them.
I blocked you.
I got a new phone to get out of the group chat because I didn't want to deal
with your constant terrorism or updating me like,
Hey, uh, little Tom got his license.
Hey, who gives a fuck, dummy?
Get a job.
Get a fucking job.
I have a job.
Why don't you get a job?
Stop worrying about who got their license.
Nobody wants you near their family.
You fucking freak.
Where's your man, bitch?
Where's your woman?
Where's anything?
What are you doing?
I mean, let's get real.
I mean, this is a woman who does nothing but attack, attack, attack.
And by the way, fuck my family.
And I like some of them.
But, and then my aunt goes like this.
She goes like this.
She goes, she goes, oh, well, you know, if I bump, she's told this to somebody
else.
Because if I bumped into him, I'd really give him a piece of my mind.
How are you going to bump into me, bitch?
I don't live in your kitchen.
Okay?
You've never left.
You've never left home.
I'm in Malibu, ho.
How am I going to bump into you?
Okay?
Buying Tampax at the local CVS for your barren, childless vagina?
How would we ever bump heads together?
Keep my name out of your mouth, scumbag.
You're a degenerate.
You're a moral degenerate.
This isn't even a podcast anymore.
I'm talking directly to you.
You are a failure and a moral degenerate.
Okay?
Come pig from a sketch a few years ago on my chest is a funny, dumb joke.
You, my friend, are a disgusting nightmare that nobody wants to be around.
You're a thief.
You've stolen people's money.
Haven't you, Kathleen?
You've stolen money, haven't you?
You know you have.
Where's the money, Kathleen?
Did you take it?
You took all the money, didn't you?
And then you go cry.
And some people in the family be like, you're being too hard on her.
Fuck you, too.
Hey, fuck you, too.
You think I give a fuck about any of you?
Fuck you, bitch.
I have a family, okay?
It's Joe Rogan and Candace Owens.
My mother and father, give a fuck about you fucking clowns.
Go do a fucking Irish step dance.
I don't give a shit.
This bitch is out of her fucking mind.
You are out of your mind.
So bring in my grandfather, my Instagram, trying to knock me like that.
It's a shitty thing to do, especially from you,
who's accomplished zero in your entire fucking life.
So that's kind of how I wanted to start off the show.
Because I just, and it's not the whole show,
but I just want to, you know, get it out in the open,
the way that I feel about this woman,
who just every opportunity, she tries to neg me,
and she does it on a public forum.
And I will do it now on a public forum, too.
So I apologize, and I would be worried that you'd sue me,
but you don't know how to practice law.
You're not a real lawyer, are you?
Because you work from a basement,
and you have pretend clients.
You set up a Care Bear you had from when you were fucking nine,
and you still have because you never left your house,
and you go, hello, Mr. Care Bear, did you have a dewee?
Well, let's look at your options.
You're a clown, bitch.
No one takes you seriously.
You should be getting electroshock therapy.
Bitch, if it was years ago, you'd be Rosemary Kennedy.
And I know, I know, I'm not making fun of the mentally ill,
but my mother's a fucking nut, and I know who these people are.
And I know that your boyfriend, Donald Trump, is out of office now,
and trust the plan never happened,
and you couldn't storm the Capitol
because it's too far away from the fucking house.
You've never left.
You're a joke to everyone.
So if you come on my page again,
I'm just going to do this again.
I'm just going to keep reminding
the hundreds of thousands of people that listen to me,
some of whom who may know you,
what an absolute scumbag you are,
and how much of a disgusting pig
you continue to be for this, all this time.
So keep going at me, please.
Please.
Other than that, I feel good.
I'm excited about the year.
I'm excited about, I think the important things in life
are friends and family,
which is ironic because we just did that.
But I feel like I love the people in my life,
and that's so great.
And I think that many of you right now
have family members, maybe not like mine,
you know, disgusting, you know, pedophile degenerates.
But some of you are like,
hey man, I feel this way about a family member.
Tell them, tell them, get them out of your life.
Let 2021 be the year of fuck it.
You can't, it's not all about Trump anymore.
It's not all about politics.
Let's go back to hating the people you know,
hating the people you have a reason to.
You know, my other aunt, who I love,
my aunt Donna called me, she goes,
you know, Biden got inaugurated.
Me and my husband were out.
We were birdwatching.
We saw a hawk.
And I'm like, oh, that zest for life,
you could have had it the last four years.
You let someone rob you of that.
You sat and watched CNN for four years.
You could have, there were birds.
There were birds.
The hawks were in the trees.
You could have watched it for four years,
but instead you're like, no,
I want to just key into this.
Literally nothing has changed.
I mean, nothing, nothing.
From Trump to Biden, really,
in a span of hours,
very little has changed.
Biden signed some executive orders,
which is great.
You know, I would prefer if he signed an executive order
to put my aunt in a mental institution,
but we're still waiting on that.
We're still petitioning.
But I mean, do you think I went a little too far?
But I don't think so.
You have a great amount of respect for your grandfather.
You've talked about him endlessly.
That's a fucked up thing to say on your page.
It's a very fucked up thing to say on the day of my birth.
It's fucked up.
You know, it's a very fucked up thing to say,
you know, especially from some weird,
sexually dysfunctionate, degenerate, thief, drug addict.
That's all.
What did Jordan Peterson say?
Clean your room.
Clean your room.
Clean your room, Kath.
Think I care?
Think I give a fuck?
What am I going to bump into you, dummy?
Brentwood?
Beverly Hills?
Okay?
I live in a $190 million estate in Beverly Hills.
You stupid bitch.
You dumb.
I paid $190 million Bitcoin for an estate that I live in,
in Bentley Rolls-Royce Village, Bentley Heights.
He's laughing because he doesn't even know where the fuck it is
because he's dumb and poor.
I live in Rolls-Royce-A-Stan.
And you don't.
You live at home.
Her whole life is like an after-school special
that went incredibly wrong.
Yeah.
You know?
My mother, by the way, here's a fun story about her.
I hope you're still listening.
And by the way, Kathleen,
I hope this doesn't affect your ability to buy the Ridge Wallet,
which is a great, compact wallet
where you could keep the card of a real attorney
and your debit card, which your parents pay for your 50.
My mother, she was like kind of