Name: #241 - Live From Cleveland | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-02-28T05:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#241 - Live From Cleveland | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#241 - Live From Cleveland | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-28. Transcript available.

#241 - Live From Cleveland | The Tim Dillon Show

Give it up for Dasha and Anna from the Red Scare Podcast!
Cleveland, what the fuck is up?
This city, my favorite fact that I've just learned about Cleveland
is that a councilwoman has issued a travel advisory,
not for Syria, but for East Cleveland.
There is a travel advisory currently for the eastern half of this city
because there are so many police chases.
This is a fact.
COVID is like number seven of what's destroying.
COVID hit here 30 years ago.
There are so many police chases.
It's fucking up the traffic.
Like people are getting in accidents because cops are just ramming fucking
pedestrians
on their way to apprehend a murderer or something like that.
Terrifying.
You've never been to a place like this.
Never.
I'm a sweet West Texas boy.
Yeah, he's never been to this place.
Every, I've been here five years in a row because comedy is good here.
Yeah.
Comedy is very good here.
Comedy is always good in places where people do not have hope.
This is a fact.
In places where, as the great Chris Hedges would say, people fetishize hope,
comedy, my comedy is tough.
But here, I mean, this restaurant, and it's lovely, is the nicest place in
Cleveland.
This is it.
By far.
This is it.
I mean, rotisserie chicken, that's it.
That's the best you're going to do in Cleveland.
Yeah.
You get a fried pickle.
The food here is puzzling to me.
The Polish boy sandwich, which is guy in the back.
What do you mean, come on?
Come on.
It's a, what is it?
Kielbasa, French fries, barbecue sauce, and coleslaw.
Right?
Is that what it is?
I mean.
He doesn't even know.
Whatever Woody Allen did is not as bad as that.
Let's just say that right now.
I don't care what allegations come out about Woody Allen.
Who aren't, the tide is turning.
Rogan texted me today.
The tide is turning for Woody.
Really?
That's what Rogan said.
What's the evidence?
He also said water cured COVID, but.
He's like, it's like the movie Signs, man.
It's water.
Yep.
It's what it is.
It's M. Night Shyamalan, man.
Let's throw water on it, man.
Hey, I've done it eight times.
If he doesn't have me back, it is what it is.
Burn the bridges after you've crossed them multiple times.
That's what I say.
But no, it's, uh, Woody, I, did you see the first episode?
Yeah.
Put the whole family in jail.
Everyone.
Mia, that's God, she has a God complex.
You don't adopt 17 children from war-torn countries if you don't expect some of
them to get fucked.
She's importing Taiwanese ladyboys for her perv husband.
She's not even adopting regular kids.
She's adopting sex dolls from a UN human trafficking list.
And I just keep looking at him if he's going to cut our mics.
But it's so, it's so crazy.
I want them all in jail.
I want Mia in jail.
Is she even Asian?
She looks so weird.
I don't know, man.
What is her race?
It's troubling.
What is Mia Farrow's race?
I don't know, man.
I don't know.
I want to know.
She's Irish?
Supposed to be Irish.
Supposed to be, yeah.
She looks like a banshee.
Like an old Irish banshee.
And she just adopted those fucking kids.
And I think they should all just be put away.
All of them in jail.
Moses, that little fucking Harry Potter.
Yeah.
The little Woody Allen guy.
I hope Moses is accused of something soon.
Because Moses is defending Woody Allen hardcore.
He is?
Yeah, Moses is out right now going, that's my fucking bro.
Nice.
Don't fucking...
He took me fishing.
Yeah, he took me fishing.
He bought me a pair of glasses.
He gives a fuck who he fucked.
He married my sister.
Doesn't matter.
Because Moses, you've got to throw that in.
You've got to be like,
yeah, he fucking married my sister.
Who cares?
He's my dad-ish, kind of.
I don't know.
Didn't live with us.
Barely saw him.
Put Dylan in jail, too, for that fucking hair.
That red hair.
Nothing justifies that.
I don't care what happened.
I don't care what fucking...
I don't care what happened.
You cannot have blood red hair
and be taken seriously.
I don't feel any sympathy for you
sitting there with blood red hair.
And, you know, it's just rough.
Here's the thing with Dylan,
and this is like me.
I was hot as a kid.
Legit.
Let me be very careful
about how I phrased my issue here with Dylan Farrell.
Do you see where I'm going here?
If I was talking about getting molested now,
you'd go, I don't know.
See what I mean?
But if I was a kid,
that's why they keep having to show Dylan as a kid.
Because HBO's a little pedo weird, too.
They're like,
no, but remember,
she did look like this.
Because Dylan's like,
he would just take me to the fucking attic.
And HBO's like,
okay, let's edit in
because it's not believable.
At this juncture,
it is very,
I mean,
she looks like she lives here.
You know?
Like, it's not,
I'm sorry,
but she does,
if you saw Dylan Farrell
fucking serving beer cheese pretzels,
or whatever people eat here,
half the city's a hospital.
That's the other thing I love about Cleveland.
Literally half the city's a clinic.
Half the entire city is a fucking clinic.
People just,
I walked into a restaurant once,
people just getting EKGs.
I'm like, oh.
I was like,
oh, I thought this was the ground round,
but apparently it's not.
But Dylan,
Dylan has a problem that I have.
We did not age into our sex appeal.
We didn't.
That's okay.
But when you're describing those events,
you know,
it's a little like,
we're like her,
because everyone's kind of doing that.
Everyone's like,
wait a minute,
her?
Really?
I hope it all works out,
but HBO fucked up
because they're releasing it,
what is it,
once a week?
It looks like once a week,
which it's like.
Who the fuck?
Yeah.
Here's the thing
with pedophile documentaries.
I know a little bit about them.
I know a little bit about pedophile documentaries.
You got to binge it.
You got to get in and out.
You got to get in and out
of a good pedophile doc.
You can't be waiting
because then you seem like a creep.
If you're waiting
for the next installment,
like,
you seem like a freak.
If you're out to lunch,
you turn around,
you go,
you know what I'm really waiting for?
I'm waiting for the next installment
of the Woody Allen doc.
I think this time he fucks her.
I'm waiting for that baby.
Give it to me.
You can't do that.
You can't have four watch parties.
You can't have four Woody Allen watch parties.
Get a hero.
Come to the house.
This is the episode
where they go to the attic.
Okay?
I'm getting the cake.
A Quesada cake.
Which is good.
It's a Cleveland cake.
It has very dry
angel food cake
that's old.
And a strawberry-ish jelly
and whipped cream.
So it's lovely.
It's lovely.
No, it is.
Top of the line.
But, you know,
but I hope,
hey man,
I hope Woody makes it out okay.
I have no,
you know,
it is what it is,
you know?
I mean,
I hope he didn't do it.
Yeah.
Mostly that.
Yeah.
Goes without saying.
I respect,
if he didn't do it,
I respect Mia
and Dylan
so fucking much.
Like if they're still
doing this shit
to this fucking guy
with HBO cameras on them
and they're still sitting there
and they're still going along,
man am I fucking like,
wow!
I'll know it's bullshit
if Dylan and Mia
start a podcast together.
Like after this is all wrapped
and they just want a little tour.
If Dylan and Mia
do a podcast
about socialism,
after this.
Yeah,
what's the product launch?
Yeah,
that's true.
What's the merch line?
The Mia Farrow skin cream.
Yeah.
The Mia Farrow.
I mean,
she literally,
this is a fact,
I don't know if this is a fact,
but I saw it.
She adopted a black daughter
and then she like,
she's like put
a photo out,
like happy birthday,
Shakshuka,
whatever the daughter's name is.
It's a brunch dish,
but it's something similar.
Sienna,
who cares?
You know,
Serena Williams.
And the point is,
I'm just saying,
I don't know the name.
And the point is,
supposedly she Googled
in order to do that,
Mia Farrow,
black daughter,
to get a photo of the daughter.
Really?
Yeah,
that's what it,
that's what I read online.
That she put,
Mia Farrow,
black daughter,
just to find,
she has like 30,
she has too many kids
from too many places
to keep track
of all of her children.
But we're bombing Syria,
so it's going to be good.
We're bombing,
thank God,
were you getting a little tired
of us not bombing Syria?
Yeah.
I woke up every day
feeling like shit
because bombs
were not dropping
on hospitals in Syria.
I was so upset.
I said,
when can we do
a fake war
with Syria
and we're just bombing
the shit
out of Syria,
no one really knows why.
I think it's because
the Bitcoin story is over.
I think that's literally
what happened.
Like,
AMC stock tanked,
I lost 18 hunge,
the next time I see
Dave Portnoy,
I'm going to lunge at him
when he's reviewing a pizza
and bite his fucking neck.
He won't have me
on that podcast
with that TikToker.
I've tried to get on
like multiple times.
No.
He won't have me
on BFFs
with him and the child
that they discuss.
Have you watched that?
He does his thing
and he says
whatever he says
and then the kid goes
like this,
the kid's like,
yeah.
The response
to everything Dave says.
Dave's like,
business is like this.
The kid's like,
yeah,
that's fire.
I had dinner
with that kid.
We all went out
to dinner
and that kid
came to dinner
and I was sitting there
and literally
we're all deciding
on the appetizers
and he's like sitting there
and he's like.
And I go,
what do you want to eat?
And he goes,
the calamari is fire.
I was like,
I was like,
I was like,
okay.
This is like,
this is where it's at,
you know,
but we're bombing Syria
and,
uh,
To send a message.
To send a message.
That's it.
To Yemen.
To Yemen.
Yeah.
Uh,
that we will continue
to let Saudi Arabia
carpet bomb you.
We don't know why.
We don't know why.
We're in war.
We have no idea why.
They used to make up reasons
to go in.
Remember that?
ISIS,
ISIL.
Yeah.
Remember that?
There were different ones.
Well,
this is the Levant.
This is ISIS.
There's nothing now.
They don't even make up
a fake,
there were fake things
that they tried hard.
They'd be like,
five guys dressed like ninjas
sawing a guy's head off
and they'd be like,
this is why we got to go in here.
And I'm like,
there's more shit going on
in East Cleveland
than that.
Go to East Cleveland.
Like,
there is much more shit
going on
in East Cleveland
than there is
in fucking Damascus.
But okay.
They used to make shit up.
Now they,
now you just find out
about it on Twitter
and you go,
all right.
just bombing Syria.
It's that hyper-normalization.
Did you see
the new Adam Curtis doc?
Okay.
Well,
just eliminate that chunk.
It's good,
but I'm just sick
of his shit too.
Did you see
hyper-normalization?
He does these good docs.
He's like a BBC documentarian.
But his whole thing
is like,
here's why the world
looks the way it does.
And it's like,
dude,
we get it.
Like,
we know already
how it looks.
You know,
it's like,
do you ever wonder
why,
how we got here?
Yeah.
No,
how do we get out of here?
How did we get
to this place
where no one believes
anything
and they never will?
What are we doing?
You know?
Do you know
why we're in a place
where no one can do anything
to change anything?
And we're all sitting around
staring at each other.
No one trusts anyone
and everything is bad.
Yes?
Yes?
Do we have a follow-up?
He just keeps doing that.
He keeps coasting on that.
You know?
Hey, man,
I just hope
the Weinstein brothers
have forgiven me.
I just hope
that Brad and Eric...
So,
on Clubhouse,
what's happening now,
I will mention them
every podcast
until we get in
a full-scale war
and they are not ready.
No idea what I will do.
No idea!
I'm kidding.
I agree with them.
That's the thing.
I hate getting in wars
with people I agree with,
but we'll do it.
But,
on Clubhouse,
which is this app
where you...
It's an audio-only invite app
where people talk
to each other
in these dumb little rooms
and you have to get
invited into them
or whatever,
woke people,
like virulently woke people,
have come into these rooms
and what they're doing,
and this is sad,
but a little funny,
is they are calling...
They're like,
you have to be asked
to be a speaker,
so what they're doing
is they're calling
the Weinste