Name: #243 - Best of Patreon Vol. 2 | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-03-14T05:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#243 - Best of Patreon Vol. 2 | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#243 - Best of Patreon Vol. 2 | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-14. Transcript available.

#243 - Best of Patreon Vol. 2 | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dylan show special treat for everybody
this uh week we
have a best of patreon we're opening the vault and taking select rants from our
patreon episodes like
uh uh uh made i want to fly a plane in the capital and many other of our hits
and we're doing that
because last night we went out to dinner with rogan and i was plied with pasta
against my will
and bone marrow and garlic bread and porterhouses and and and and chocolate
cakes and donuts
cream-filled donuts and i i just woke up today and i'm like uh and i uh a red-ass
restaurant in
uh austin killer killer food and i i i just tossed and turned all night because
i'm i usually eat
really really healthy and joe does not and this is a problem and i get on him
all the time about his
diet i go you gotta you gotta cut the carbs get the sugar do the more of the
but you know you can't
reason with them but so we had a real uh meal and a half last night so i just
can't there's not a full
show in me right now um things are still gurgling and whatever so what i'm
going to do is uh we're
going to open the vault and release some of the great uh patreon stuff that we've
had and uh where we
lots of different things ben always selects these rants from the patreons we
haven't done this in
about a year about a year and and again you don't have to join the page this
isn't like a come join
the page yeah yeah it is fun um uh but it's it's just good content to put out
there for for everybody
that should like it i mean there's there's there's no agenda here you know what
i mean we're really not
even in the comedy game right now we're in the vc game um because you don't
have to be a venture
capitalist all you have to kind of be is a schizophrenic and my mother is a
schizophrenic
which means i have just a certain amount of latent schizophrenia which is that's
that's real like
somebody said to me the other day i'm like yeah rogan and those guys they have
money ron white they
have money but i have real money now what real money means is my money it's
does there's no cap to it
because it's in my head so guys like ron wyatt or jeff donnam or joe rogan
their money's in the bank
or in investments and there's an end to it mine there's no end because it's a
creation of my own
it it's synapses firing in my head that aren't linking up with other synapses
so i have as much
money as i want to have this is the era of fake business i go on clubhouse
everybody on clubhouse is
very successful and they spend 19 hours a day on clubhouse telling you all the
interesting projects
they're working on they apparently don't have to actually ever work on any of
those projects
because they're on that app uh so we're in the vc world so it's not even we're
not even
really trying to you know do comedy anymore we're just looking to
to work with founders who are the founders of the company i want to know who
the founders are
what's the monetization strategy and who are the founders where are the
founders and what is their
strategy and am i going to put my war chest of a zillion dollars again in here
everything's money
so you know what you're looking at that sign it's an nft right there that sign
that's a million dollars
that sign so what are we talking about money means nothing um so we're going to
do the best of patriot
episode what did you think of that restaurant last night it was amazing it was
really good i was really
impressed i was truly impressed i'm i'm uh i'm a little bit of a i know what i'm
talking about
and i'm telling you right now in terms of italian food they kicked
fucking ass last night and i was shocked at how good it was i was ready to like
say hey this
but i was really uh impressed by the quality of that one woman was throwing a ravioli
at the table
to get rogan's attention i thought it was antifa but it was just a woman who i
think antifa's attacking
him with carbs which is really that's what you would do to weaken him if you
wanted to weaken him
you would you would tempt him you would throw carbs at him but it was just a
woman that wanted to say hello
to him crazy we get recognized every now and then but that guy is just getting
recognized all the time
you know which is crazy because i feel like we are more successful and more
famous yeah yeah i've
always felt that way i thought i was doing him a favor by going on a show but
apparently it really
is the other way around when you look at the numbers interesting um and uh yeah
it was fun and
ron white came in hinchcliffe and faheem and uh you lex lex friedman was there
sitting next to me
he's a very interesting dinner companion he's like a brilliant child that
someone brought to the dinner
like kind of an awkward brilliant child like one of those children from like a
i don't know
like c.s lewis novel that just sits there and he's like hello
he turned to me and he goes do you think you have a serious movie in you
he goes that wallet trailer i liked it but i didn't want the jokes
i wanted the darkness i'm like thank you and didn't he have a bite of pasta too
yeah
these people they always talk about keto and then you go out with them i'm the
only one that does keto
i'm the only one that actually does it i'm the only one who works out i'm the
only one who knows
about fighting i'm the only one who knows about robotics everybody else is kind
of like it's just
they're just spinning a yarn just me and the weinsteins we're the only people
who know the deal in this
world so if you're gonna listen listen one of us brett eric or me
you know we're the three that have been exiled from academia
because of because we told the truth so
so enjoy the best of patreon we have a guy coming uh we have a meeting at 10 o'clock
how do you feel
like this will go it should be good i'm looking forward to it yeah meeting at
10 o'clock
uh timdillacomedy.com all the live shows me and dan are on the road um
and uh that should be a lot of fun getting in little skirmishes here and there
uh
and uh it should be enjoyable for you guys to come out and see what we've got
happening um thanks to
everyone that's bought tickets and come to the shows we've had a great time we
had a nurse get angry at
me uh in pennsylvania when i was performing in a tent a nurse got can you
imagine these nurses
uh she she took a night off the plague to come to a comedy show
and then she got angry at me because i dared to make a joke about nurses and
she didn't understand
the jokes were not serious they were absurd things that are said uh to make fun
to make fun you know
um that's a stand-up thing i think recently he talks about he's like why would
you make fun like
stand up he has a whole thing where he's like yeah you make fun it's like we're
making fun so she got
angry and she was sitting in the front row with her face all stern and she was
like i'm a nurse and
people are dying imagine imagine having a job where you describe the literal
fundamentals of the job
as something that is completely alien to you
i'm an air traffic controller and there's so many planes trying to land at once
it's it's almost like my entire job is predicated on that fact that planes are
trying to but can you
imagine that there the planes not one not a hundred i mean thousands of these
things in the air at once
trying to land on four runway i mean
who knew who knew when i took this job that uh planes would land who knew you
got a nurse that's uh
going but people are dying and we you're a nurse right that's what you do it's
not what you do
i know it's sad that people are dying and i tried to explain that to her
maybe we should throw in the thing now the video yeah yeah i'll put it up right
here we'll put the
video up and here's the video of what happened a little angry i'm sorry you
seem very it's a couple
here you seem very yes you you seem very you were dragged here i get it you
would you were dragged a
little bit you're slightly disappointed what is it some of the language you're
a nurse
well so here's the question here's the question why aren't you at work i mean i'm
not being very
legitimate
okay well let me ask you when you when you signed up to be a nurse
it would did you understand that at one time people might get sick
like i understand as a comedian that when i say things people can get mad at me
even though
they're jokes i understand that in the same way that you would understand
people would get sick
right
right
i know and it's very very sad but there's all i'm i'm making jokes and there's
a lot of people
that have been dying there's people dying because their businesses are closed
there's people dying
because they they can't make any money there's people dying because they they're
suffering from
drug and alcohol addiction there's people dying because they're alienated from
their communities
there's people dying because this government that shut everything down is not
giving them checks
and i know that's not your fault i know that's not your fault but i've made fun
of all of that tonight
i've made fun of all of that tonight it's not just about you i've made fun of
everything that's
fucked up that's happening truly i've made fun of everything everything
including myself i've made
fun of everybody you know and listen if i collapse up here i want you to
remember these are jokes
so if i collapse come up here and be a hero
but i don't want you to be offended these are jokes you have to understand that
jokes are
to say ridiculous things so that people can laugh at it nobody thinks nobody's
ungrateful for what
nurses do but these are jokes if they were serious they wouldn't be funny do
you see what i mean like
if i was making serious statements no one would laugh but because they are
absurd because they are
ridiculous they are jokes you know what i mean that's what it is and i know
that people don't understand
jokes anymore people don't understand jokes but that that's what they are they're
just jokes they're
not meant to be hurtful they're not meant to be rude you know and i understand
that you're probably
offended and there is an internet and you can go to it and write a lot of mean
things about them many
have before and they will again and that's okay but i'm sorry that you're
offended but these are
literally just jokes they're just jokes okay
that's really what it is and that's what it is they're jokes they're jokes you
know except
the part about the nurses i'm serious about that my name is tim millen thank
you very much everybody
all right so you saw that video and uh now enjoy the best of our uh tim millen's
on patreon we're back
in the studio next week or i don't even know i might be in florida i don't know
might have to fly you
down to florida you people don't care where the show's from who gives a shit
spent all kinds of
money on this we never see it put it on a sweatshirt it's an nft but uh we
might have to do it from the
to the beach in florida i need to go somewhere where there's a beach and i need
to swim in the ocean i
don't know if i'll be able to swim in the ocean uh go to the temperature right
now the water in uh florida
tampa i need to go swim in the ocean i i really am uh
right now looking at 69 i can swim in that right yeah you could do that right
it's a little cool but
it's not horrible
i might have to just swim in the ocean down at tampa for a few days after i get
done with houston
and then i'll be back and i have a show in austin at the paramount i don't know
how many
tickets are left i don't know if there's any tickets left but what's happening
now with all
these shows is the clubs are opening up at higher capacities so check even if
they've been sold out
check a lot of these dates i have coming up in denver and miami and places like
that because what we're
seeing happen is more tickets are added because we are at now a higher capacity
than we would have been
now the patreon is not video okay so we know that i know that so much of the
humor is in the way he
says it in the moves in the hands calm down a lot of the humor is just 