Name: #246 - I Love The CIA (with Whitney Webb) | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-04-04T04:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#246 - I Love The CIA (with Whitney Webb) | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#246 - I Love The CIA (with Whitney Webb) | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-04. Transcript available.

#246 - I Love The CIA (with Whitney Webb) | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are, uh, we just got back from a, uh, meeting, not a meeting.
What is it, engagement?
Mm-hmm.
With one of the bigger tech people here in Austin.
Yeah.
And, uh, it was a lot of fun.
We've got Whitney Webb later on in the show, uh,
talking about some things coming down the pike with the vaccine passport.
And, um, we met this dude through a mutual guide.
He was a nice guy, brilliant guy, very smart, very successful.
Um, when we walked in, I, he felt, I felt like he didn't really know us
or knew who we were, what we did.
Um, I think he only has a slightly better understanding of it after the two
hours,
but we played pickleball, which is a game.
It's like, uh, it's a cross between tennis and ping pong.
And it's very interesting when you meet like high powered, successful people,
a lot of times they're like, do something athletic in front of me.
Let's see if you can do something.
Uh, do you have a competitive edge?
Do you want to win?
You know, it was like that kind of, they said there was going to be a lunch.
We walked in, there was like hummus and a strawberry.
So it was like, not exactly, but that's fine.
They're healthy.
That's what they eat.
You know what I mean?
Tech successful.
But it was a scene from Ex Machina is what it was, but it was lovely.
It was lovely.
And, um, you know, the house is, you know, tremendous and beautiful.
And, uh, and then they go, let's play some pickleball.
Do you guys play pickleball?
And I was like, I don't really know what it is, but I'm sure, um, I will do it.
And then, um, it's a cross between tennis and ping pong.
So you have, it's like a court in a gym and you're playing, uh, pickleball and,
um, me and Ben, of course, are going to play together.
But then they said, well, you're both beginners.
You should play with the other people there.
So we did.
And it was, now you look at me and you look at Ben and you're like, oh, Ben, he's
going to be the athlete.
Ben was so bad at this game and he kept cheating by going into this area where
you were not supposed to go into.
Um, it was so embarrassing.
Now they're in gym clothes.
Me and Ben have jeans on cause we didn't really know it was raining.
We didn't know it was going to happen.
And, um, I was doing pretty damn good.
Like a few of the other people, they were like, you're going to be really good
at this.
I had a great, you know, cause I, I played tennis as a kid a little bit and I
know how to really just kind of hit the ball, just have it sail right over the
net.
Ben was aggressively, you know, we're playing doubles and Ben was aggressively
trying to like hit the ball in front of the other people.
And then just failing miserably at it.
Did you know how bad you were doing?
I charged the net a couple of times.
It was embarrassing.
Did you feel how, how bad you were doing?
I had a couple of them.
Were you shocked at that?
How good I was actually.
Who told you that?
Well, I can't say his name, but.
He, he, he was not.
I was doing very well.
You were great at serving.
Very good at serving.
You know what?
You know what?
See, this is what he's trying to do.
I was doing really, really well.
Okay.
I do what I do well.
And Ben likes to pretend he does everything well.
I was, I'm an amazing server.
And then I could also do the volley, but I also feel like after I've done the
serve, I should be done for the point.
I don't want to run around the court like a psychopath.
It's unbecoming of a man of my stature.
So I do the serve.
And then the other person runs around like a monkey.
And then I was good at returning too.
He's being a piece of shit because he was, he was genuinely embarrassing.
And there's a, these are really rich, successful people judging us.
And the pig is murdering it, running around the court, doing what I have to do.
And then this guy's family walked in and then they were all staring there
watching Ben just wildly run around.
And it was so, it was hard to see.
It was hard to see for me because I felt bad for Ben.
I was embarrassed for Ben.
We'd never done anything athletic before.
And you, you thought you were thinking that I was just going to not be good at
all.
That's not true at all.
That's what you felt.
No, I know you were a swimmer.
Yeah, pipe down.
What happened was I was phenomenal.
I was pretty damn good.
But the guy looked at me and said, you are going to be very good at this.
The other guy, the main guy said you were good.
When did he say that?
He actually said twice.
He's like, wow, that was really impressive when I was up there.
Like I had a couple of times where it was, that's one isolated thing.
That's not a review of your performance for the entire day.
It's what you did.
One or two good things.
I don't think I missed a serve though.
Like I didn't, I didn't hit a serve out of bounds though.
I had the service.
I was just saying between me and you, would you argue that I did a little
better?
Oh, wow.
Overall?
Yeah, overall.
He won more games.
Well, that would be, that's, they care about winning.
You understand?
What metric are you deciding?
I won more games.
What metric are you going off of?
Um, inner belief.
Well, anyway.
After the game, uh, we hung out and ate, uh, hummus and it was nice.
Some matcha.
Delicious.
Yeah.
Some matcha.
It was, uh, uh, lovely meeting new people here in, uh, Austin, Texas.
And, um, you know, we're not influenced by anyone ever on this show.
We're never influenced.
I've never, I've never, like, I am never influenced by anyone on this show.
Like I, like I meet successful, powerful people all the time, but I'm never
like a guy who's
like, oh, I should start evangelizing on the behalf of anyone.
I've never felt that.
I've never felt that.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I, I do, and this is unrelated.
This is an unrelated point.
I was thinking this morning about what a great company Palantir is.
While I had my eggs.
And I just, I woke up and I said, what a great company it is because they have
all the information
of the people and that's what you want.
You want, you want all the information to be in a place.
And I think that's, they do it good.
They do it well.
So I'm a fan of them.
Yeah.
Great investment.
The great investment.
Yeah.
I also would like to say, I like the central intelligence agency.
I like them.
They're efficient.
They're mysterious.
And I think that we have to relax when we are always with the bringing up the
bad things
they did in the past.
Enough with that.
Stop that.
There, everyone's made mistakes.
When I was young, I kicked my friend.
I wasn't becoming of my character.
That's not who I am.
So I like the central intelligence agency.
I like it.
And I think it's good.
And I don't think you should be upset if people want to listen to what you're
saying on the
phone or read your email.
I don't think that's a problem.
I don't think it's a big deal.
I don't think it's a big deal if people know what medications you're on and if
they need
to be refilled.
I, I, I'm okay with that.
And you should be too.
I think we asked too many questions.
Do you understand?
I understand what you're saying.
And I'm just saying I'm an independent broadcaster who has thoughts that are in
his head that he
says them, they are not given to me by anyone.
And they are not, I am not influenced by anyone, but God damn it.
If Jeff Bezos isn't a great fucking guy, he's a great guy.
And I, I want things to be delivered to me and with a drone, right?
Yes.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm saying those things and only those things.
Mark Zuckerberg gets a bad rap.
He's a sweet boy who's created a thing that's a little wacky.
Do you understand?
Jack Dorsey's a fine man.
He's a fine man.
He's created a platform that makes me feel better about the world and our
ability to have a meaningful
dialogue.
I love you.
I love you, Jack.
Do you understand?
Whoever owns page.
I love them.
The Patreon people.
You are good.
Hey, Eric Schmidt at Google.
These are.
I, I'm just saying that I love, I love people in tech.
I like them.
I think it's important that we get off their back, get off their back.
I like that they don't have an expression all the time on their face.
I like that.
I think that's nice.
How many people do you meet where they have a, when you look at them, they have
an expression
and they go, hello, or, and you see, oh, you're happy or you're sad or you're
embarrassed.
I like when there is none.
I think it's refreshing.
I think it's modern.
I think it's modern.
I think it's very modern.
When someone looks at you and does it, you can't quite tell if they are, if
they're real.
I like that.
I, I enjoy that.
That's what I like.
You don't, the people are so caught up in like, oh, I should be able to say
what I want.
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
I believe that you should get a list of words that you can say, which will be
shorter than
the ones that you cannot.
And that'll make it easier for you.
I, I'm just saying, I am saying that I'm, I am not, I have not been co-opted at
all.
Okay.
At all.
I'm just saying that I'm, I want to get the vaccine more than twice.
I'd like to get it six or seven times is what I'm saying.
Do you understand?
And a lot of people are like, oh, oh, you're in Texas and you're meeting all
these people
and you're, you're, they're influencing you.
No, no, that's not it.
I'm realizing how lucky I am that there is an industry taking care of me,
taking care of
us all.
They're taking care of us all.
Thank the Lord.
I like it.
I like people pooping in the street.
I don't think it's a big deal.
I think if you, if you think it's a big deal, you should start a company and
buy a house out
of the city.
But I think people should be able to poop in the street.
Sorry.
I'm a humanitarian.
Okay.
So I wanted to get that out of the way because people are always nervous how
and when we'll
be co-opted.
So there's not, I just want to let people know there is no fear of that at all.
No fear of that at all.
Okay.
Let's do an ad break here.
We do have, we do have an ad.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Let's get it.
Let's get the ad here.
The Tim Dillon Show is proud to be sponsored by the National Security Agency.
The National Security Agency.
We're watching out for you.
Here at the NSA, we are pioneering new ways to make Americans safe.
That is our top priority.
Keeping you safe by using many different ways to get information.
It's not really important how we get the information.
It's important.
We do with it what we think is best.
The National Security Agency.
We're the, we love you.
All right.
That was our first ad break.
Let's do a second ad break because we roll into.
Moderna is now sponsoring the Tim Dillon Show.
Moderna has developed a vaccine.
It is fun and it is two shots.
You will love it and enjoy it.
And afterwards, it will be shown that you have taken it in a wallet so you can
get into basketball games and concerts.
Moderna is always working hard to try to solve the problems of tomorrow.
Should have to get these added out of the way, folks.
It's just.
The Tim Dillon Show is proud to be sponsored by the Bill and Melinda Gates
Foundation.
Bill and Melinda are here to help.
They want you to know that.
Bill has spent years tirelessly trying to solve every problem that has ever arisen.
From climate change to vaccines and diseases and overpopulation.
And how these all go together somehow.
Bill and Melinda are very excited to help people through their charitable
donations and foundations and contributions.
On this show, I have said things about Bill that are not true because I am a
stupid pig.
Don't listen to the stupid pig.
Do your own research at their website, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation,
because that is where the accurate information is.
All other sources are not to be trusted.
I am sorry for what I have said about Bill and Melinda Gates.
It was inappropriate and downright wrong.
I wrestle with the guilt of what I have said about them.
Sometimes it is so bad that I lay in bed all day like I have just taken the
m