Name: #250 - The New Shepard | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-05-02T04:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#250 - The New Shepard | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#250 - The New Shepard | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-02. Transcript available.

#250 - The New Shepard | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show here with newly married
Ben Avery.
You finally did it. You made it legal with the old battle axe and now a long,
happy life together.
Recap of the wedding, which was lovely, is on Patreon.
And I had a great time. I enjoyed it. I really did. Truly. Everyone loved it.
I liked it. And even the parts of it I didn't know that I would think I would
enjoy.
Like the exorcism, for example. They did an exorcism where they brought a child
out in a tub and they kept putting it in the water.
And then there was a lot of screaming, but then your mother said, that's how it's
working. It's the demon leaving.
I didn't know that. And it was lovely. Then we did the cake.
I want to start off today by saying that we criticize these Batman villain
billionaires that seem to be running around our planet.
Being a billionaire now just seems to be, you get to do what you think is cool.
Like when you're worth a billion dollars, it's basically just teenage fantasies
that you get to act out.
But I will say something. Hey, let's give credit where credit is due.
I will admit when I'm wrong about somebody. Truly.
I've said negative things about Jeff Bezos before on the show.
We all know what's happening with COVID in India.
Jeff Bezos has decided to step in and help.
And this is, this is amazing to watch.
Let's play the video.
This is Jeff Bezos is getting involved to help the people of India right now.
And it's heartwarming.
All right, here we go.
Guys, how exciting is this? Come on.
I'm a, I'm a bit confused, but
Those hats are very important for the sun.
It's good in there.
So he's, what he's doing to help with the COVID in India is he's letting people
know that you can be one of the very first to buy the first seat on the new
shepherd, which is his spaceship.
Hey, man, that's not nothing.
That is not nothing.
And I think that it's high time we give him his due.
Because it would be easy to just step back and do nothing when people are
suffering in India.
Somebody's dying.
Like, I don't even know the statistic.
It's like every two seconds or something crazy.
And they're burning bodies in the street.
And it is an absolute humanitarian crisis.
But, to be honest, Jeff Bezos saying that you can buy a ticket to a rocket,
which will take you on a tour through space, I do believe is a good use of, I
think it's good.
I think it's a good use of resources.
I do.
And anyone that disagrees with me is wrong.
I'm a little sick of people not appreciating this man's contribution.
He's in a, what is one of these cars he's in?
The new shepherd?
No, the car.
Oh, the Rivian, the RT1.
And they don't make a lot of these.
And he's in there with a hat.
And he's showing people that very soon you could get on the new shepherd.
Who's in that car with him, by the way?
I guess his new girlfriend, maybe.
I don't know.
Look at Jeff.
He's got people in the back with masks on.
What's that about?
What are you doing with a mask on in the back of the Rivian with Jeff Bezos?
What virtue?
Can you imagine that level of virtue signaling?
You're on the way to a rocket launch with Jeff Bezos in the back of his Rivian
car, and you've got a mask on to prove what exactly.
Is that person scared of getting COVID?
Are they scared of getting COVID from Jeff Bezos on the way to a rocket launch?
Can you imagine explaining that to the people at the urgent care?
Because I'm sure that's where they go, you know, the urgent care.
You go, how'd you get this?
Well, I was in Jeff Bezos' Rivian.
His what?
It's a car.
They make very few of them.
And we're on the way to see the new shepherd.
The who?
It's the new shepherd.
It's the new space tourism rocket that Bezos, my boss, Jeff.
And I got COVID.
I was in the car and I got COVID.
So smart that they have the mask on because it is a high-risk situation.
It's a high-risk situation to be in a car with a billionaire on the way to a
rocket launch.
It's a real hotbed of coronavirus in there.
Jeff Bezos' space venture Blue Origin said in a video released Thursday,
it will soon begin selling tickets for rides on its space tourism rocket called
the New Shepard.
Guys, how exciting is this?
Come on, Bezos said, because people are getting bored with it, you know?
And I'm not one of these people who's always like, we should not explore space.
I get it.
It's just funny.
Sign up to learn how you can buy the very first seat on New Shepard.
Now, do you think, do you think, because obviously it's going to be for rich
people,
but you know everyone's going woke now.
So do you think that they have to just, to save face,
send up like a Spanish lady who works in a laundromat and blast her into space
with the other space freak multimillionaires?
Like, do they just take like a black bus driver and say, you've won?
And she goes, what have I won?
And you go, you're going to space.
And she's going to be like, what?
You go, listen, Jeff Bezos is trying out his new tourism rocket, the New Shepard.
Yeah, the problem is a lot of people bought tickets and they're all pretty damn
white.
Because white people are sick of this planet.
They've ravaged it.
They've destroyed most of it.
They're sick of it.
They want to go somewhere else.
Point being, we need it to look more representative of America.
So you have won, it's like that thing.
You've been selected when you get those phone calls.
So they're just, I want them to go into the hood and get like a thug bitch
and throw her in the New Shepard sitting next to whoever the hell is spending
money to go to space.
It shows him driving across the Texas desert, the remote location of the New Shepard
launch facility,
notably at the wheel of a Rivian R1T electric truck, which is emblazoned with
Blue Origin signature feather.
New Shepard is designed to carry as many as six people at a time on a ride past
the edge of space.
With the capsules on previous test flights reaching an altitude of more than 340,000
feet.
100 kilometers.
The capsule, which has massive windows to give passengers a view,
spends as much as 10 minutes in zero gravity before returning to Earth.
The rocket launches vertically with the booster.
Now, I don't want anyone to get hurt, and we know that.
But would there be something wrong with a Challenger-like explosion killing all
of the people?
Except the black bus driver and that, we're sad about that.
But like, if it was just the usual suspects, people that have too much money
and go, let's go to space,
would there be anything wrong with watching this thing incinerate?
I don't think so.
The rocket launches vertically with the booster detaching and returning to land
at a concrete pad nearby.
The capsule's return is slowed down by a set of parachutes before softly
landing in the desert.
Shares of Virgin Galactic fell more than 3% after Blue Origin posted its video
as Bezos's company will compete with Richard Branson in the niche space sector
of suborbital tourism.
My favorite word now, suborbital tourism.
Don't you want to see space?
Virgin Galactic has sold tickets to 600 passengers at a price between $200,000
and $250,000 each,
although the company expects it could increase its prices substantially for the
first commercial flights.
And then Bezos said we're going to price them competitively with where Branson
is at.
So between $200,000 and a quarter million around that area is what it will cost
to engage in suborbital tourism
while the world literally burns beneath you.
That's what being a billionaire is now.
I mean, and we should be exploring space.
But I think it's funny that immediately we're thinking about ways to open Marriott's
up there
and get people up there in a completely non-educational capacity, by the way.
Let's take a space cruise.
It's about that time.
Everyone is also being mean right now to Bill Gates, who's one of our good
friends.
They're being mean to him because he doesn't want to share his vaccine patent
with the developing world.
Well, I mean, have you ever been to a restaurant and you're eating the chicken
wings
and you go, what is in this sauce?
I've done this.
And the waiter looks at you and goes, we can tell you.
What's the funny joke?
Do you know it?
You don't know it.
Oh, if we told you, we'd have to kill you?
If we tell you, we'd have to kill you.
This is this guy's hot wing sauce.
This is his secret sauce.
This is his flavor of the month mango habanero glaze sauce.
And no, it doesn't get bottled up without his say-so.
He could tell you, but he'd have to kill you.
You think Bill Gates was sitting around cooking up this batch
so that people out there could just take it and open up their own wing stands?
We think not.
And I understand that because you imagine a hot wing sauce,
imagine if it was a vaccine that could potentially save the lives of millions
of people
that are literally burning their bodies in the street right now.
You would still say, hey, that's my mother's recipe.
You can't take it.
Let's read a little bit of this.
Bill Gates under fire for saying vaccine formulas shouldn't be shared with
developing world.
Do you want to hear him defend himself here?
Let's hear him defend himself because we are too critical of him.
I have always believed this guy had no intentions except the best intentions
for humanity.
That's why he wanted to shoot a missile of dust at the sun
and why he went white water rafting with Epstein.
But he is just about saving lives.
There's been some speculation that the changing intellectual property rules
and allowing these vaccines, as you say,
the recipe for these vaccines to be shared would be helpful.
And do you think that would be helpful?
No.
Why not?
Well, there's only so many vaccine factories in the world.
And people are very serious about the safety of vaccines.
And so moving something that had never been done,
moving a vaccine from, say, a J&J factory into a factory in India,
that it's novel.
It's only because of our grants and our expertise that can happen at all.
The thing that's holding things back in this case is not intellectual property.
There's not like some idle vaccine factory with regulatory approval that makes
magically safe vaccines.
You know, you've got to do the trials on these things.
You know, you've got to do the trials on these things.
And every manufacturing process has to be looked at in a very careful way.
I'll answer the real answer.
Play her question again and I'm going to answer his answer.
Okay.
There's been some speculation that the changing intellectual property rules
and allowing these vaccines, as you say, the recipe for these vaccines to be
shared would be helpful.
And do you think that would be helpful?
Listen.
Listen.
I don't even know what you think you're asking me right now.
Okay?
Here's the reality.
There are these things called vaccines.
They're tough to make.
They're not made in a magical factory in the sky.
Okay?
They're made for profit in a factory where I walk around with a hard hat.
And I goose people.
Gender unimportant.
I just goose them.
That's where they're going to be made.
And if you want one, you can spend a little coin.
Okay?
But other than that, we're not going to be letting you run around with our
product all over the developing world.
We do that.
If somebody's pricking you in sub-Saharan Africa, that is us.
Okay?
So, let's be real clear about why I'm in this business.
It's to make a couple of bucks.
You think tech is good money?
You think finance is good money?
You know what's good money?
The essence of all life.
That's what I've decided.
I got a little bored.
I got a little bored at Microsoft.
Where do you work?
Microsoft, right?
I got a little bored there.
Okay?
So, I decided my next business venture would be trying to control the essence
of all life on this planet.
Deciding how much of it there is and where it should happen.
Okay?
So, I'm not interested in like, you know, this isn't a potluck dinner where
everybody brings a vaccine.
This isn't a firehouse where somebody brings macaroni salad and somebody else,
you 