Name: #253 - Jenner's Joyride | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-05-23T04:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#253 - Jenner's Joyride | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#253 - Jenner's Joyride | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-23. Transcript available.

#253 - Jenner's Joyride | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show audio-only episode.
How fucked are we? How disrespectful.
What contempt we have for our fans.
We're back in the studio next week. We're having the studio amped up.
We're moving. We got a new space in Austin. The studio's gonna look the same.
Don't worry your little heads about it. It's gonna be great,
but we need to have it done. We're having the pillows fluffed
and the curtains steamed and the neon sign is being moved and all of that.
And I want to apologize for canceling some of the spots in L.A.
I am no longer in L.A. I am not in L.A.
All of the Instagram photos that I have uploaded at sushi restaurants
and at the beach are from other places.
They were taken years ago and uploaded today.
I am not here. I want to perform in backyards and alleys.
Listen, here's the deal with spots. You people have to realize this.
And I'm terribly saddened by the fact that many people don't get this.
When I do a spot on a show, I am doing a 10-minute set,
maybe 15, potentially 12.
It is not my show. I am not headlining it.
I have no control over the show.
I don't know when I'm going to go up.
And if I book a lot of those spots in a night,
sometimes with L.A. traffic and shit like that,
I can't get to one of them, truly.
And sometimes when it's a place like the Ha Ha Comedy Club,
which I didn't know anything about, but it was an alley with 12 people in it,
I walk in and then I walk out.
Because I don't want to be there.
You see?
I want to do something else.
So I do it.
And I'm sorry that you bought seven tickets to it for your birthday.
Your birthday at the Ha Ha Comedy Club in an alley.
It's not Tim Dillon's headlining and we're going to have a great time.
It's Tim Dillon's going and doing 10 minutes,
probably the majority of which is me going on stage going,
I don't want to be here.
I walked into the Ha Ha Comedy Club, which is outside.
They're not inside.
It's outside.
And there were eight audience members or 10 that I counted.
And there was a girl on stage, a white girl with like a Bob Marley hat,
going, if aliens land, they're just going to go on Rogan and do DMT.
I don't know who this person is.
I have not booked her.
I am sorry you had to suffer through that.
I apologize for that.
But this is what happens when I do, I don't do a ton of spots.
I'm usually out on the road doing my own shows, headlining.
And those are the shows that I show up to and are good.
And I try to do the other ones, but sometimes there's a problem.
There's traffic.
There's crime.
There's homeless.
And that prevents me from getting to the spot because I'm on my way.
I was on the way to a spot and I tripped and fell into a sushi restaurant for
three hours.
And it happens because of the violence on the streets.
I was walking down the street and then there was a gang of Palestinians beating
me up.
And I said, I'm an Irish Catholic.
And the only refuge I could take was to spend three hours eating sushi and not
going to the thing.
I apologize.
When it's a headlining show, it's a headlining show.
You know, when it's a spot and I'm doing 10 minutes, I try to get to all of
them that I can.
And it should be a thing where if you like the whole lineup, go.
Don't go just for me.
Go if you like everybody.
If you go, I like the Sklar brothers.
Good.
Go to that.
Go.
It's a group effort is what I'm saying.
You could stay home and watch Barb and Star.
The new movie, Barb and Star, which I can't recommend more.
I mean, Barb and Star.
It's so good.
It doesn't have a plot and there's no jokes, but it's very brightly colored.
It's brightly colored and it's very serene.
There's blues and greens and there's musical numbers and it's some SNL alum
getting their
funny on.
So you can always watch Barb and Star, but genuinely message me if you bought a
lot of
tickets to the Ha Ha Comedy parking lot and you're offended that you could not
see me do
12 minutes.
I apologize.
I will try to get you into some of the headlining shows, but this is the
difference
between when a comedy show is a headlining show that I am putting on and a show
that I'm
being promoted on the lineup, but I really don't know what's going on.
And I tried to get to the Ha Ha the first time, not the second.
But the problem is, if you book too many of these spots in a night, it's hard
to get to
all the, and I try.
But a lot of these shows in LA, God bless everyone, they're in backyards.
Some of them are very fun and support them, but support them because you love
comedy, not
just me.
There's a lot of me out there and there's other people out there.
You know, I just, it's, it's, you know, doing spots is something I've done for
12 years.
It's, it's not as fun anymore doing them.
It's not as fun anymore to have to make small talk with Anthony Jeselnik, who
shared an article
saying that comedy had an alt-right problem that the New Republic decided to
publish.
Anthony Jeselnik, who made his bones doing Boston Marathon bombing jokes, has
now decided
he's the arbiter of what is and isn't appropriate to be said on stage.
And I have to go and speak to him like he's an actual human being.
That's what I have to do.
That's part of my career.
I have to speak to him like he's a person.
He's a great joke writer.
The comedy is not really for me.
I'm more interested in human beings, carbon-based life forms.
But what he does is, you know, great and people love it.
But that's what spots are.
I have to sit in a green room and talk to him, even though I know that he
shared an article
that seeks to take everybody that I know his career away.
But, you know, we got to sit there and go, yeah, how are you?
Oh, they're good.
Yeah, the audience is good.
Good to see you.
And I shit on Austin all the fucking time.
I shit on it all the time.
But, you know, a lot of these people in L.A., I mean, they've got another thing
coming.
I don't know what the hell they think is going to go on.
I mean, you guys, can you do spots for the rest of your life?
Do spots and stand in parking lots and smoke cigarettes for the rest of your
life.
I don't, you know.
Hey, enjoy that.
Good.
Enjoy that.
And let me know when you can afford that $12 million house out here.
Let me know.
Let me know when you can afford that $12 million home.
Let me know when your vision board starts to work out.
Keep me updated.
Keep me abreast of that.
Because I got a nice house, and it ain't big.
It's fine, and it's big enough for me, and we're going to pay that.
We're going to podcast and make content.
We're going to do shows on the road, and we will come to L.A. from time to time
to do spots.
And just understand what those spots are.
I mean, it's not something where I can really control everything that happens.
I do my best to get to the spots.
I do.
I do my best.
But there are problems with getting to all of those spots.
There are dinners.
There are things I'd rather do.
There is laying in a bed.
There is smoking cigarettes on the street.
There is talking to a hotel valet and deciding that I find him more interesting
than doing it.
There are all kinds of problems because of the violence, because of the
homelessness.
Do you see?
Lori Lightfoot, mayor of Chicago, who I can't describe how much I enjoy Lori
Lightfoot.
I can barely put into words how obsessed I am with this woman.
Somebody messaged me on Instagram, and they said, you try reasoning with this
menace.
She's a menace.
She's destroying one of the great American cities, but somebody else would be
if she wasn't.
And she's a lot of fun.
She looks like a Batman villain.
She's a lesbian.
And there's all kinds of rumors that she's cheating on her wife.
And she's, I don't know, using state money.
And she's taking broads to shitty hotel rooms.
And I mean, she's now refusing to talk to anybody who's not black.
She won't talk to white reporters anymore.
There's pictures of her with these big balloon pants.
Like, she wears ill-fitting clothes.
They don't fit.
And I mean, she's just an absolute legend.
She wears, you know, these weird, like, suits.
And then she wears these fedoras.
And she walks around like a Batman villain.
Like, I picture her, like, walking down the street in a zoot suit with a fedora
on and a cane just, you know, hitting homeless people.
But Lori Lightfoot is our hero here.
She's our hero.
And she's forcing the, if you want to talk to her in Chicago, you're going to
have to do blackface.
If you are a reporter in Chicago that is white and you want to talk to Lori
Lightfoot, you have to do blackface.
She's giving you no choice.
You should be, you should not be even in the slightest bit of trouble for
painting your face black to talk to the mayor of Chicago, Lori Lightfoot, if
you are curious as to what's going on.
But Lori has an open invitation on this show.
I will get a black translator here and I will ask questions to the black person
to then be asked to Lori Lightfoot because we like Lori so much.
We appreciate she's a goon.
And if there's one thing that we respect and we love and we appreciate, it is a
goon.
And we love her.
And we just want to say that even though we're white, and by the way, we're
sorry about that.
We had very little control over it.
We wouldn't trade it, as Louis C.K. said, because it does seem to be easier.
But not now, because we want to talk to Lori Lightfoot.
In fact, that's every day I just want to speak to Lori Lightfoot and see, I
mean, her name, just her name is perfect.
Everything about her is absolutely perfect.
My dream is a Caitlyn Jenner, Lori Lightfoot presidential ticket.
Caitlyn, of course, headlining it, more name recognition.
But Lori Lightfoot as the VP, kind of like a Dick Cheney, a power player behind
the scenes, pokes her for Dora, wearing head out every now and then, shuffles
on a stage in an ill-fitting suit and then lays down the law.
That's what we hope.
That's what we're going for.
But we are, kind of unironically, supporting Caitlyn Jenner on this show.
I like Caitlyn.
I think she's an example of true diversity in a country that claims to want it
and does not.
We do not want diversity.
We want young, good-looking, ethnically diverse, but usually ethnically
ambiguous, people that all have the same life experiences, views, thoughts.
We like mediocrity.
We do not like greatness.
And Caitlyn, say what you will, is an example of greatness.
Decathlete, Olympian.
How many gold medals do we know?
Let me see.
I mean, a woman who has truly lived many lives.
And she's what the state of California needs.
Yeah, in 76 for the decathlon, won the gold medal.
Yes.
It's amazing.
She's a denizen of the country club.
She's a denizen of the country.
She likes diversity the way a lot of people of her generation like it.
They like seeing it on TV.
They don't want it too close.
They, um, you know, she doesn't really love the homeless.
She wants them gone.
She's a country club trans person who murdered two people in a car and acts
like it doesn't happen.
She's just heading down to PCH, 100 miles an hour, remembering the good times,
remembering people putting gold medals around her neck.
Before she was subjugated to a tertiary role in that family of Armenians that
lived in Calabasas,
Caitlyn strutted around that house like a nobody, like a nothing, like an afterthought,
while everyone else engaged in feuds and scandals.
Caitlyn just kind of played it close to the vest, very quietly, would go out
and golf,
offer a few words of wisdom when asked, but rarely asked.
Caitlyn was really an afterthought on that show, but all the while, Caitlyn was
sitting there going,
I am cooking up a way to come back big, big.
And Caitlyn had known for a while that Caitlyn, who was known at that time as,
we will say like Voldemort,
the name that cannot be mentioned because it will be dead naming and we will be
kicked off.
But Caitlyn, there was another iteration of Caitlyn bouncing around,
and Caitlyn knew that that wouldn't do.
She said, I've always felt like Caitlyn, but I don't want to change who I am.
I don't want to n