Name: #256 - The Announcement | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-06-13T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#256 - The Announcement | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#256 - The Announcement | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-13. Transcript available.

#256 - The Announcement | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
A little squeeze here, starting a little late because someone was late.
Someone was a little late.
Do you have any defense for your tardiness?
The traffic was heavy. I tried to be on time.
The traffic. It's always something. The traffic.
Well, you said we were going to record at three and then you moved it around.
I was doing a thing with my wife. I was at a thing.
You know, I mean...
I had to run from it.
You had to run from the thing you were doing to your job.
There was a friend in Austin who was in town.
You had to run from the friend to your job.
Well, you said we were going to record at four and then you moved it to three.
So I moved it. Your job was moved.
And you had to leave.
Why don't you go back to the friend?
I think you should go back to your friend.
Go back. Call your friend and say, go back to your friend.
Let's just do the show.
Let's... You go back to your friend.
I think it's better for you to go back to your friend.
Seriously?
I'm dead serious. Please go back to your friend.
Who's going to produce the show?
I'll figure it out.
I'll figure it out.
It's insane.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
A beautiful day in Austin, Texas.
A mass shooting downtown.
And in true Austin fashion, no one was killed.
13 people injured.
No one was killed.
This city cannot even do that right.
Amazing.
Have you learned your lesson?
Okay.
Moving on.
Big announcement to be made on the show.
And I don't usually say that because we don't usually have big announcements.
We have them rarely.
And this announcement, I believe, will be shocking.
It will be stunning.
And I'm not a shock value comedian.
That's not what we do.
But this will be genuinely paradigm shifting.
It will move people genuinely, I believe.
And because it is so unexpected, there was never a hint.
You know, a lot of the things that happen here, there's some foreshadowing
elements.
But not this.
This is out of the blue, as they say.
It's coming out of the blue.
It is completely, utterly, without any preconceived, this is just happening.
Organically, it just, it's really, it's shaken me to my core, the announcement
I'm about to make.
Because I'm, I, I understand how big of a deal it's going to be to people and
how much it's going to throw them, throw them off.
And I, and I want to do it with care and I want to prepare them.
And I want to take the utmost care and caution with an announcement of this
gravity.
Because this is, this is, this is, there's gravity and this is real.
It's hard to, it's hard to even say.
It's hard to vocalize.
It's hard to get out of my mouth.
It's hard to.
Ben.
Why are you laughing?
I don't know.
Why are you laughing?
What's funny about this?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Five months ago, Ben's wife told us she was having an affair with Joe Rogan.
It was uncomfortable.
We respect and love Joe.
He's incredibly generous.
Nobody has done more for comics than Joe.
No one.
But even, even that being the case, it was still tough to hear that Ben's
fiance, his wife, was having sex with Joe, who had been so good to both of us.
It put us in a very difficult position.
His wife then informed us that she was going to keep the affair going.
And in order to do that, we needed to move to Austin, Texas, so she could
continue to have sex with Joe.
Ben, being a good husband, dutifully agreed, and he came to me, and he said,
Katie wants to keep having sex with Joe Rogan.
Do you think we should move to Austin to make it easier for her so that she
doesn't have to keep flying?
And I agreed.
I said yes.
So Ben's wife has been carrying on an affair with Joe, even the morning of
their nuptials.
They got married, but in the morning of that day, she was having sexual
congress with Joe Rogan.
And she told Ben that at the wedding in front of a few of us.
She had had a few drinks.
She said, I just want you to know, I fucked Joe this morning.
Now, something happened.
There was a disagreement.
I don't know what happened.
We're not privy to that information.
And I don't want to speculate.
But Ben's wife has ceased her affair with Joe.
She has stopped.
She is no longer having an affair with Joe.
She's back to sleeping with Ben.
Now, it is awkward living in Austin, Texas.
So, the announcement is as follows.
Because of Ben's wife and only Ben's wife, it is time to leave Austin, Texas.
The Tim Dillon Show will be leaving Austin, Texas.
In all seriousness, because what I was just saying was a joke, I hope.
For your sake.
It is a joke, right?
I think so, yeah.
In all seriousness, we came down here because the quarantine had warped
everybody's minds.
I had moved from L.A. to Palm Springs.
I spent a lot of time in the desert, alone, in 120-degree weather.
And then I went on the road a lot, too.
And I did a lot of stand-up.
Did comedy during the craziest period in the history of this country, maybe, to
do comedy.
During a pandemic with the most contentious presidential election, I did comedy
the night Donald Trump was put into the hospital with COVID.
I mean, this was fucking wild.
Those shows were wild, doing them.
And we did them.
We did them to go out and to make money, to see fans, to do it as carefully as
we could, to keep ourselves mentally healthy and keep people mentally healthy.
And keep people working that worked at comedy clubs.
And we did them distance.
And we did them outdoors.
And then Joe, who we love and respect, said, I'm moving to Texas.
And it came at a time when L.A. was particularly bleak and nothing was open.
And I'd never loved Austin.
I had gone here, and I've done South by Southwest.
I've done the Moon Tower Comedy Festival.
But Austin, to me, always felt like Brooklyn.
It was fun.
But it was, yeah, a lot of hipsters, and the food was good.
A little one-note.
It's barbecue.
We get it.
Great Mexican food as well.
But it was a college town.
And it was a small city.
This was not a world-class city.
It just was not.
And I hadn't been here for a while.
And I didn't know.
And I moved here because I felt like I needed something new.
And that something new would be good.
And yes, the taxes are better.
And yes, there are benefits to not being in L.A.
And yes, L.A. has a host of problems.
But I moved here because, first and foremost, I said, something new will be
good.
I was wrong.
I was wrong.
The city of Austin, Texas, is a city in the realm of the artistic or whatever
for people who have left New York or L.A.
Or never had the guts to go to New York or L.A.
It's for people who have never figured out a way to make their art or whatever
commercially viable.
And they should have a city.
Those people should have a place to get drunk at 2 a.m., to get high, to eat brisket.
They should have it.
It's their culture.
Do not force them to be productive members of society.
It shouldn't happen.
That's the culture of Austin, of the slacker, the near-do-well, always has been,
always will be.
A few exceptions, Mike Judge, Richard Linklater.
But the vast majority of Austin, quite proudly, is a culture of not making it,
not doing it, for whatever reason.
So when Joe wants to create a comedy hub here, God bless him, but he's fighting
against a current.
And cultures matter.
And this culture has been around for a very long time.
And I have no interest in colonizing a city and making people, making it into a
great comedy city.
I don't care.
The tech people are moving here.
They'll have 3D-printed brisket.
They'll have, you know, the house values will go up.
I bought a home here.
I'll rent it or I'll keep it.
And I'm not worried about that.
I think it's a great real estate move.
I'm speaking solely about comedy and me and this show.
It is not the move.
Austin has many of the problems of Los Angeles.
A lot of the homeless people.
There was a mass shooting last night.
13 people got injured.
Not shot, not killed.
Of course not.
Even the mass shooters in Austin can't get it done.
And the cops didn't even find the guy.
He's running around here.
On the loose, yeah.
He's on the loose.
We got a mass shooter on the loose.
It could be any one of our friends.
We should call the tip line and just read off my Instagram, the people I'm
following.
But we love Joe.
We respect him.
When Joe has a club, I'll come back here and work at that club and be excited
to do so.
But I just could not get in a groove with this city.
I tried.
Not really.
But I gave it some effort.
I gave it, you know.
I've been downtown four or five times.
That's enough.
That's enough.
The first time I went down there, homeless people were throwing bottles at us
as we walked out of the creek in the cave.
People are being killed at night.
The homeless are just going up and murdering comedians.
And I don't even know, am I against that?
I'm put in this weird position of having to care about a city that I've never
cared about.
And I can in good conscience do that.
I only want to be funny.
I only want to really affect people with what we do.
I don't give a fuck about Austin.
I love Texas.
I love the areas around Austin are beautiful.
I like Dallas and Houston and Fort Worth.
The audiences are great.
But I don't care what happens to the comedy community of Austin, Texas.
I don't care.
It has been forever a community of sloth-like people.
Truly.
Slugs.
Slugs.
And they should have it.
It should be for them.
Joe Rogan could walk around here and ask people, be like,
Hey, why don't you write more?
Shouldn't you work out?
It's not going to work.
Because they're losers to the bone.
These people are losers to the fucking bone.
The stench of human failure in this city is so that you cannot breathe.
You cannot inhale oxygen.
Because the stench of human failure infects all of the air.
It is a grotesque.
It is a grotesquerie here.
They do not know how to run a city.
The food is shit.
There's two places that make good barbecue.
And they're not Terry Black's.
It's Franklin and La Barbecue and it's nine hours line to a blue haired tattooed
lesbian can give you an attitude when you say,
Can I add a sandwich to that?
People come here to get married like this fool.
Because it's cheap and you can get married in some raft.
You could float down a dirty river and get down syndrome drunk and take photos
to put on your Facebook.
He did have a beautiful wedding.
But the point is this.
My point still stands.
This is the Bachelorette capital of the South.
It's drunk pig women and men that have an itchy trigger finger just trying to
shoot people.
Dancing around 6th Street drunk.
These people are out of their fucking minds.
It's a fucking rodeo of fat bitches and school shooters.
Everybody eating at the trough.
It has nothing to do with music.
Can we say that now?
Can you hear it loud and clear?
This town has nothing to do with music.
There are heroin addicts that occasionally do melodious things on the street.
While they're, after they take a shit in the street, they play, I don't know,
You Are My Sunshine or something.
You make me happy when skies are gray.
It's nothing.
It's less than nothing here.
There is no seafood.
There is no fish.
There is one sushi restaurant that Joe Rogan mentioned and now you can't get in
until 2027.
Sandra Bullock and Matthew McConaughey, I don't give a fuck.
I don't care that a couple of white demon celebrities live here.
Show your white mouth.
What's funny about that is that I've been very critical of the critical race
theory.
And yet I find in times it is important to have in the pocket.
This is what it is.
I tried.
I played pickleball with a few psychopaths.
We met a few tech people.
We met a few people who when you looked in their eyes, you realized that
trouble was brewing.
We met some of the masters of the universe, not the bankers.
Some of the, you know, Silicon Valley cultists who are colonizing the area.
Who are here because of no state income tax and their love of baked beans.
Some of the libertarian wing of the tech movement.
And some lovely people.
Maybe not too bad.
Don't hate any of them.
I like being af