Name: #260 - Prison Pen Pal | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-07-11T04:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#260 - Prison Pen Pal | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#260 - Prison Pen Pal | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-11. Transcript available.

#260 - Prison Pen Pal | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show from a guest studio, some
psychopath in North Carolina.
Get that black owl, by the way. I don't know why he doesn't do research.
We walk in the house and some guys, like I interview dead people and I have a
product where I have to interview people that are right about to cross over.
And this is going on.
So, you know, this is because he doesn't do research. We're sitting here in a
fucking someone's lair doing this show.
I don't know what this is, but, you know, did you get a good feeling from the
guy that brought us down here?
Well, his company name is right there. I don't know.
I couldn't get a worse feeling from him.
He goes, I know you guys don't like tech people, but I'm one of the good ones.
That's what he said.
No one who's one of the good ones ever says, I'm one of the good ones.
Then he tells us, I'm doing a podcast with people that are dying for my product.
So he wants to suck the last life out of human beings for his product.
And then, so thanks.
Thanks for researching that.
They love life, the tech people.
They love death, and they're very fascinated with it because they want to
figure out a way to, like, extend life without anything good in it.
That's the main goal, is to just push it out as far as it could go, 150, 160
years, and then eventually just forever.
But a completely joyless, sexless, miserable existence forever, for eternity.
I don't know why.
I don't know what they're so...
I know it seems to be utopian for them, like, that's their idea of, like, a
heaven, is just straight face.
Yeah, but is that what he's doing here in North Carolina?
Is this where the real tech people come out of, is North Kakalaki?
That's where the top-tier tech people are in North Carolina?
I wanted to talk about this case today.
I don't really feel like doing this show today, but we're going to do it.
I feel like when I'm not in the studio, it's very hard for us to be on the road
now and not be in the studio because, you know, we've got to be out here doing
stand-up,
and we're just borrowing studios from, you know, assorted psychopaths that have
podcast studios in their homes,
which are generally people that are unwell because they are, you know, coming
down.
What did he say?
He recorded 100 episodes?
So he found 100 dying people.
He found 100 people who were dying and spoke to them and said,
would you like to do a podcast before the end?
Where does he find 100 dead, dying people?
I couldn't find 100 dying people.
I know very few dying people.
Where does he call the hospitals?
You think he has a guy in the hospital on the inside that goes, yeah, they're
right about to check out.
You guys, he's in the end stage, stage four pancreatic cancer.
You want to come down here?
You want to set up?
Or do they bring, I guess they bring the people in here.
So there's been 100 people brought down here that were about to die.
To the basement.
And the last thing they see is this fucking setup.
The last thing they see is a ring light and a camera.
And then he said it's for his product.
What's his product?
I'm not sure.
I'm not quite sure.
All these tech companies, they're very, you know, you don't really know what
they do.
You look at their website, it looks nice, but you don't really know what's
going on.
And you just sort of go, okay.
Well, I hope that he's successful and whatever.
This story really got me good here because I was a bad, bad driver.
Life is really about a collection of minutes, truly.
I mean, the things that matter in your life, you know, the drudgery of the
everyday, like me doing this, is like drudgery.
But it's the minutes of it that make it special or horrible.
It's one of the two.
And the split-second things, you wake up one day, you go, I'm going to do this
and then this, and then something happens and your entire life can be ruined.
Or it can, you know, be saved, maybe.
So this was a kid, and I don't know how the story stumbled.
I go down to Tampa sometimes and I read the Tampa Bay Times.
And there was an article about this kid who got into an accident while racing
his buddy.
He was 18 years old.
He was in a new Mustang that his parents bought him for graduation.
He graduated high school.
And he was racing on this thing, this road.
It's called Bayshore Boulevard in Tampa.
And Bayshore Boulevard is this kind of iconic roadway that's framed with all
these beautiful stately homes.
You know, they're beautiful, multimillion-dollar properties.
And his speed limit was about 45.
I think they've moved it down to 35.
I went with my, you know, rental car and I drove around the area where this
accident was.
And this guy was doing 102 miles an hour on that road, racing a friend.
Now, as he's doing that, a mother, a young mother, is crossing the street with
a baby.
He sees her.
The other car swerves out of the way.
He then stops or tries to stop.
The car gets about 30 miles an hour.
He hits her and kills her instantly.
The baby, thrown out of her arms, taken to the hospital, dies the next day.
He's charged with vehicular manslaughter and received a sentence of 24 years.
Rich, white, good-looking.
Kid is insanely good-looking.
Family was rich.
Lived in a wealthy area of Tampa.
They sold their house.
That's the suicide suit they put him in, which is great.
They put you in a green anti-suicide suit.
Now, the other one, who's a little bit of an uggo, he got six years.
And this kid's brother, who was sitting in the car next to him, who looks like
Shrek, got no time at all.
A lot of people feel bad for this kid because he's so good-looking.
And a lot of people, you know, like young girls on TikTok are like, you know,
they're uploading all these things, you know, like videos of him.
You know, I'm in love with a criminal and these songs.
And here's the TikTok.
We'll play it.
This is what he was doing.
This guy, by the way, is down to the Florida State Penitentiary for 24 years.
And just because, you know, he made a mistake.
And I'm not saying that, you know, he shouldn't be punished.
He should be.
I mean, this is the family.
Happy family.
They're all going skydiving.
They don't know that the end is coming.
Look at the one on the left, like Shrek.
Now, the end, I mean, look at it.
I mean, you're going to put him in jail.
Why is this woman walking her child in a, like pushing her child?
Like the idea that, first of all, the idea that, look at that.
The idea that she's, the idea that she's blameless here is a little ridiculous.
It's a little ridiculous.
Now, I'll be very honest with you.
I understand he should be punished.
I understand he did the wrong thing.
But this is this, this is this dude's whole life here.
You know?
And it's a tough call because on one hand, you have this beautiful, promising,
white, rich guy
who's going to have this great life.
And then on the other hand, you have this, like, woman with her baby who's also
a female
and her, like, fat husband who's, like, crying.
So, look at it.
Can we get the fat husband?
Yeah, it's right here.
I mean, look at that thing.
Now, it's sad that they're dead.
I'm very sad about that.
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I mean, it doesn't seem fair.
Now, Google Tristan Heron because I, I am very much in favor of putting him in
jail because
look at that.
Look at him.
Imagine having two children and one of them is that.
One of them is this, like, movie star and then the other one is that.
Put him in.
He belongs in the Florida State Penitentiary.
Look at that goon.
Now, and listen, it is just amazing because I, I mean, listen, we've all driven
drunk.
We've all done the wrong thing.
Many of us don't race our cars.
That is stupid.
But, anyone can make a big mistake and their life can be over.
And that's the lesson here.
But, not anyone can be that good looking.
It's a fact.
It's a true fact.
When good looking people go out in the world, they inspire other people.
People can fantasize about them.
People can stalk them.
Can want to be them.
People can subscribe to the things they do.
They're an economy.
Good looking people can be an economy.
And to lock this, this dude away in a, in a, in a cell, to me seems not right.
And people say, oh, is it because he's good looking?
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
100%.
If it was this, I mean, can you imagine?
I would not even pay it any mind.
Get what the kid looks like now in jail.
Oh, yeah.
It's sad.
This is a defense of him, by the way.
If anyone sees this and is angry.
Find that.
It is.
There it is.
It's rough.
Now, you said they make them shave their head?
I would imagine, right?
Unless you already, like, joined a gang or something.
What do you think they do the night before he turns himself into jail?
What is a family?
The whole family's been shattered.
What do you think they do?
I don't know.
You can't, like, just go to Dave and Buster's and, like, have a good night,
right?
You got to do something.
Do you think they fuck?
No, I'm, like, dead serious.
Like, the night before, like, when you have someone in your home that looks
like that,
do you just say, hey.
Like, if I was the judge in the case, like, I would never be a judge.
But I would literally just have to, like, I would just have to, like, recuse
myself.
Because I would give him, like, time served.
I'd give him no time.
I'd give him not a day in jail.
But he would have to come, like, we do community service in my chambers every
week.
You know?
What if the judge gave him a chance, like, I'm in the court, and I'm, like,
hello.
And I'm, like, you can fuck me or go to jail for 24 years.
And then he goes, I'll take the jail.
And as they're leading him out, he goes, and I'm bi.
Like, just a crazy insult.
But, I mean, what's he doing in jail?
Do you think a kid like this, he's going to get bothered, right, by the other
people?
Mm-hmm.
Let's not say where he is.
I don't want to get, I don't know what the legal issues are here.
Well, that's public information.
What?
Where he's in prison.
Right.
Yeah.
Can we visit him?
I believe we could, yeah.
Can we, like, reach out to him?
I think we could figure out how to write a letter to him, but I don't think we
can call him or anything.
No FaceTiming, no nothing like that.
We could write a letter to him.
I could be a pen pal to him.
Mm-hmm.
What are the chances I could fuck him?
Like, in jail.
Do you have to be married to someone to have sex with them?
In jail.
I don't think so, no.
I'm wondering if I would go to jail with just the idea that I could be in, like,
a prison relationship with this dude.
I mean, I don't know how to react to all this.
I'm very sad that the mother and the baby died.
It's horrible.
I think they should imprison the brother and then the other kid.
But this guy isn't just good-looking.
I mean, he's insanely good-looking.
That's got to count.
If I were the judge, I would say that.
I'd be like, it's very hard to even sentence you because you're just this
beautiful young man who's going to have a great life.
And the judge is like, I know you'll make a woman happy.
I know you'll make her very happy.
And I can picture you making her happy.
I'm thinking about you making her happy.
I'm thinking about you make yourself happy on a Saturday morning when you're
alone.
You probably make yourself happy.
I'm thinking of that.
I'm thinking of you making a woman happy.
I'm thinking of you getting too drunk and maybe making one of your male friends
happy.
I'm thinking about all of the things that you're going to miss out on.
And he's going to come out of prison gross, ugly, bald.
Yeah, late 40s.
Balding.
Yeah.
With skin issues.
There's got to be another way.
Truly.
There's got to be another thing to do with this dude.
He only killed two people with a car.
Literally.
He killed like two people.
There's got to be a better way to handle this situation.
You know?
And I don't know what it is, but I want...
Can we write him a letter?
We can write him a letter.
Start composing a letter right now.
Okay.
Dear Cameron.
Let's write him a letter.
Let's see if he's...
Doc here.
All right.
Dear...
Dear