Name: #261 - Please, Die Alone | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-07-18T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#261 - Please, Die Alone | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#261 - Please, Die Alone | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-18. Transcript available.

#261 - Please, Die Alone | The Tim Dillon Show

i want to get a beef with her no i'm kidding but here's the thing about the
call her daddy thing
god bless her right i would say that i don't know her god bless her yeah
60 million dollars they're not going to make that money back absolutely not no
way they won't make
six million let's be honest the merch which barstool still owns yes is what
drives the
whole thing i think right people buy the merch that's the most profitable i
would win i think
the closest i would get to the call her daddy podcast would be a hat that says
call her daddy
i'd wear that you do that yeah but i'm not gonna i tried to listen to an
episode what is it because
i've never listened but she's getting 60 million i made four seconds in really
and i turned it on i
said no was it that bad yeah it's just it's not but it's not for me though
right you know what i
mean you got to know what's for you interesting like to me it's like if it was
just like is it
an exploration of like anal where you listen to it and you go how do you take a
big one without
getting an anal fissure like is it because they better fix those titles man
right because i'm not
having it all right yeah i didn't i i i'm i think the podcast money now is
getting silly yeah this is
uh this is silly this is bitcoin that's right from like uh five six years ago
it's getting silly yeah
and i think people are i think these companies are gonna just eventually go oh
we learned our list oh
they're gonna pull back yeah hard they're pulling back spotify likes rogan
right um i don't know if
they're in love with it they like it's a solid like it's good people are coming
to the platform
i've heard they don't like the ringer the bill simmons thing they're not
thrilled is that like a sports
thing yeah it's a sports thing and they gave him a hundred million yeah they're
just they're just
they're just giving people pretend are they they're just are they is the money
even real
or is they spotifying the money i just spotting the money it's on loan yeah
because i feel like i'm
gonna start a podcast i'm gonna come in way too late yeah i'm gonna get a book
of coupons yeah
you're gonna get an iou from spotify i don't it's it's weird it's too much
money yeah people are
getting it i don't know yours is already on there so what is the thing is yeah
do you just be like do
you walk in there with like a black trench coat and a suitcase and yeah fill it
with money or i take it
off spotify no they're not gonna give us anything what is what is what is spotify
is they've what is
their communication with us been like uh you can be honest we're not getting
any money there's been
no offer but our agent lot like he lies and says he's getting us money yeah he
says a deal might come
through they're working they make stuff up yeah of course and they tell you
that there's a big deal
coming and they're it's just not true yeah serious xm yeah serious and only we're
getting the deal
yeah and they'll call you up they're like there's a company called clincher
like it's all a fake
yeah like thing like it's a digital media content career and they're really
interested it's just a
general name with the company yeah bill serious called he wants to give you 250
million dollars
how do you feel about 300 million dollars now you'll never see it because it's
not real but
just tell me how you feel did you like the number yeah yeah i think they
offered rogan money and he
said no and then like when the pandemic hit they're like how about this and he's
like okay let's do it
but does that mean you take your podcast off other platforms i don't know what
does that mean
it did for him right joe you can't get anywhere but spotify oh spotify
exclusive right call your daddy
i also believe exclusive call your daddy call her daddy wait what it's called
her daddy but call
your daddy is so much funnier call your daddy is better if it was a show where
she had to call her
father and tell him all the things she did sexually i would really prefer that
show i'm gonna tell you
now i'm listening now i'm in like she calls him up and she's like dad that's
the fourth episode he's
like oh my god he's like like he knows she's calling every art it starts with
the ringing
and then it's just him picking up that click in and it goes
now what yeah he's so dejected yeah and she's just like well you know it's
another episode of call
your daddy hi daddy and he's like hey and she goes all right so i want to tell
you this story when i was
in cancun he's like you just hear him like here's your eyes clinking in his
glass he's like jesus
fucking christ he's episode eight you just you hear the phone go down and then
a gunshot
he just blows his brains out call your daddy but that that uh that one's
exclusive too i think when
they give you the big money yes when they roll out the biggins you can't you
they spotify's like
they can't find this show right yes if they find this podcast anywhere but spotify
yeah we'll kill
them like that's the level we'll kill your daddy yeah we'll kill your daddy so
those are the big
deals they made they made the ringer they made rogan they made call her daddy
uh dax shepherd's
podcast what did dax shepherd get i i read 60 but what's his whole thing
positivity isn't he just
isn't his biggest claim to fame being married to kristin bell i kind of believe
it probably was but
now he's got this massive show and i don't what is it it's armchair expert what
but what is it so
he's like a he's like a therapist to to like paul rudd and seth rogan all these
people why
i'm like curious aren't they're really rich and famous so what's the problem
yeah you don't need someone rich to tell you that you're rich still
i'm aware of it right the armchair is nice yeah that's all it is like i can
tell this is a good
armchair thank you what i don't know anything about his podcast i'm sure he's a
good guy i don't want
to find out a guy is pretending to be an expert and getting paid 60 million
dollars yeah because
there's a there's an actual expert very upset yeah how about how many experts
that are actual
experts have zero dollars maybe spotify could get some of them so the the
website says the armchair
expert podcast celebrates the messiness of being human
i mean i can't do these windows open yeah let me just jump out from here canal
aurora is with
us by the way follow canal aurora give people your social media it's all day kca
all day kca is that
everywhere is that on everything it's on it's on twitter it's on q anon it's on
instagram it's the
website it's everything for chan fundamentalist.com i'm everywhere hilarious
comedian started started
with me um you know we were like like i was gonna say thugging it out i don't
know why we were not
thugging it out i was gonna say we're thugging it out at open i'm thugging it
out yeah i don't know
what thugging it out means but we were at open mics in 2010 yes late 2010 yes i
met you i was doing my
first set ever at which i might have done better than tonight i'm kidding i
love new york uh uh it was
i was at a coffee shop in long island called wild child slash tattoo parlor
tattoo parlor yes right
and you'd bomb and you'd hear the needle buzz
you hear whenever you bomb it's just a guy going oh yeah okay and they were all
going to like get
their like they'd get like some chicks name tattooed on them right that tattoo
shop did a lot of like
like uh like whatever what is the term when you like turn one tattoo into
another one a transformation
maybe i don't know it was a lot of names being changed yes and dogs faces
because i it was a lot
of dogs but i remember there was always like a consultation yeah like we'd be
like we'd walk in
and we'd see somebody and they'd be like okay so here's what we could do it's
like you made a mistake
here's what we do we could turn your ex-girlfriend's name into r.i.p and a nice
9-11
you could do like an r.i.p right to heroes right towers and they're like okay i
constantly heard
from those uh tattoo chairs you know this is permanent
now you know this is permanent right you know you can't walk in here tomorrow
and get rid of this
and by the way they should like that was such a weird eerie thing for us to
hear
doing stand-up comedy because it's like oh fuck this is permanent yeah for a
lot of us it was permanent
and um i was doing my set and it was like whatever dumb and canal had like a
little net book
right and you were like typing on it and every now and then i would say
something funny and he'd go
he'd have like a little he'd have like a little like huh yeah it was and then
and then i was like
because canal's a guy i was at one to like like impress and then there was
another guy with a scott
right who idyllic didn't want to impress
he gave me a fake name yeah the first time i met him what what did he he's like
my name is
michael and i was like this is i'm gonna know this man for the rest of my life
yeah livid why
why did he do that i don't know he's just a weird you know scott's a weird guy
he's an
odd he's a great guy i love him but he's nuts but i remember that that was the
beginning of and
the canal like we would go into the city and like do stand-up comedy yes crazy
places yeah i started
doing this thing called trip sunday yes and you would take two comics i would
take two comics with
me yes it would be three comics three mics uh one day basically a hundred miles
of driving and it
was usually me you dennis yeah yeah it would be i would alter it always switch
around switch yeah
because sometimes you might be booked sometimes sometimes you're like you know
what man i don't
want to eat my ass three days three three mics in a row that was a great day of
comedy yes because
it was we did a a hipster mic yeah a black mic yeah and then uh long island a
club mic sad mic
it would always end good or bad at a pizza shop across the street yes eating a
couple slices and
one of the saddest moments and i want to let you tell the story because you
remember exactly how it
happened right was the night you decided you had to move into new york city so
we're doing it's like
another trip sunday i mean there's a hundred miles of driving for one day it's
a lot yeah because we
would start in long island or i'd pick you up yes or you'd come to my mom's
place and then we shoot
into the city yeah do these mics we're fine if trying to figure out parking
trying to get to
these things and then uh then shoot out to long island and not like regular not
like you know
a simple like new hide park right we're talking in there deep deep huntington
yes yeah so and it's
not every day would everything work in fact most of the times it wouldn't right
you're just eating
it all day long so this day nobody's happy yeah we're all we're in the car we're
now in deep long
island huntington we had bombed at the hipster mike yes bombed in the black
room yes yeah now we're heading
back home right and we're now at this mike in in huntington it's the second
floor it's this place
i think it was called chesterfields yes yeah and it was like it had some
history to it but nobody
knows what nobody knows the history but everyone always said you know this
place is known i think
they used to say eddie murphy started here eddie murphy started yeah no one
knew what that meant
i think eddie murphy took the bus that passed by there i still have no idea
what that meant no clue
but people would be like have some respect eddie murphy started here yeah but
like you should they
have a picture and it's a white guy named eddie murphy yeah yeah by the way it's
also these are the
most racist people in america telling you that eddie murphy started that right
i'm like you're a
insanely racist person like you know they're just taking pride in the
accomplishments of like there's
a picture of murphy with his racial epithets yeah scrawled on the glass eddie
murphy started
here you should have stayed here it's like okay so we're we're sitting there
and uh i'm sitting next
to you and we're just watching people go up yeah and then a guy