Name: #266 - Lightfoot Strikes Twice | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-08-29T04:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#266 - Lightfoot Strikes Twice | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#266 - Lightfoot Strikes Twice | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-29. Transcript available.

#266 - Lightfoot Strikes Twice | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dylan show audio only out of chicago uh
me and ben
were reading laurie lightfoot uh the mayor her yelp profile which is pretty
spectacular as you
would imagine it would be everything laurie lightfoot does everything she wears
every
expression she makes or doesn't make the pitch of her raspy voice her turn of
phrase her kind of
blank look the stare when she just stares at a reporter there's there's nothing
about laurie
lightfoot that i don't love truly yeah i only want to talk to black reporters
constantly with the race
card constantly with the gay sexuality card the the the misogyny card i mean i
again a true batman
villain a true corrupt goon her local feuds with burger king ed the disgraced
city council member
as they fight over a burger king renovation her winning in a runoff election
against some other
idiot pratt quinkle yeah whatever i mean just the idea that this woman is is
the mayor of chicago it's
like an it's a real city right so there's something very interesting about um
laurie lightfoot to me
there's something interesting that somebody like her is able to climb the ranks
to become the mayor of
chicago and and you found her yelp profile yeah shout out to the person that
sent me this from when before
she was mayor yes this is from what was she doing then oh interesting i wonder
what she was doing what
was she doing we don't know much about laurie lightfoot pre-may i don't know
did she just become the mayor of
chicago there had to be some run-up to that right yeah i'm i'm curious as to
what what is what job do you have
before you become the mayor of chicago like did she oh she worked in private
legal practice as a partner
at mayor brown and held various government positions in chicago most notably
she served as president of
the chicago police board and chair of the chicago police accountability task
force wow so they love
her dude we passed lightfoot's house the cops are sitting outside the cops look
like they would not do
anything if you ran in there with a gun like truly like the cops are sitting
there fighting the urge
to run into the house with a gun the faces of the cops sitting in the patrol
cars outside laurie
lightfoot's house they're basically like hey man do what you got to do i mean
could there be a less
enthusiastic position for those people i mean they're not fans of laurie now i
want you to read
because this is uh this shows the type of person she is i have never yelped
anything in my life like
i've never written a yelp review i've had as we know on this show i've been
quite vocal about my many
run-ins with people um i don't rat i entertain i talk about it on the show i do
not rat i do not make
a written report of a problem that i've had with a business it's not there's
not who i am but there
are lots of people who do tons of them and they think it's okay they think it's
good they think they're
doing uh something virtuous by warning other people about the calamari at la
abundanza they have to
make sure that people know to avoid the fucking minestrone soup at fucking mateo's
whatever
they're they're committed they will single out waiters and waitresses by name
and i've read these
reviews they it fascinates me i did a comedy show once for members of like i
forget what it's called
the yelp 500 or something these people had posted so many reviews on yelp so
many reviews that they
were like in the elite tier of yelpers like sick people right and they came to
this comedy show uh
or i was booked on a comedy show for them and as you would imagine uh the worst
audience in the world
judgmental like people that were looking at the glassware that they were
serving the drinks in
like is this right is this correct like miserable people people who have
nothing going on people
whose entire life is uh to be a critic uh and and what's great about yelp is
like that's not your job
there's a great history of criticism right in theater in in movies film and in
in uh dining you know
but but it's not your job to be a critic so you've taken it upon yourself to
give yourself another job
you don't get paid for which is to like paul revere ride through the fucking uh
woods telling people
what they should avoid on this planet because god forbid someone else gets duped
now by the way
this is the reality nobody yelps to help other people that's a fact there is
not one person who's
ever written a yelp review because they are concerned that somebody else is
going to have a bad time
at that establishment that is the common defense of people yes who write yelp
reviews well if i don't
tell people to fucking watch their back at this particular denny's then who
will and it's like no
no one cares about a stranger walking in and dealing with the same rude
incompetent service what they are
doing is they're doing it to shame to punish to call out because they know
companies read these reviews
when i was a tour guide we used to get reviews on trip advisor and we'd get
bonuses if they mentioned
our name in a five-star review and a lot of times they would mention my name
and they would be like
um you know he was horrible and then you would talk to they would bring you in
and they'd go hey
man we're getting these reviews about you and um you know so so the idea that lori
lightfoot
is a yelper is beautiful the idea that lori lightfoot worked in government her
whole life
worked on the police accountability task force so we know she loves
accountability okay
and there's something great about her now this is a yelp review of when she
so this is from august 2017 and this is a review of a party bus rental place a
limo it's a party
it's a limit so lightfoot is going out on the town is she married at that point
yes because
she mentions her wife in this so lightfoot is married and she's going out on
the town now we
don't know to what do we know no it just says she's using the service vip limousine
and she gave
them one star she's using the vip limousine service in chicago and she's going
out on the town and she's
unhappy with how this played out lori lightfoot now mayor of chicago very
unhappy with the service
being given to her by vip limousine now go into this i want you to read the
review because what's great
about this is the company does something that companies rarely do they rarely
do this they
call her out as not only a liar okay but an abusive person and companies
usually just write thanks for
the review we're gonna get to the bottom of this you've seen what companies
right thank you so much
but this is the this is the reality this company had had enough they had had
enough vip limo of chicago
all due respect calls laurie lightfoot out now ben is going to read this review
posted when uh 2017
and here is laurie i would never use vip limo again driver carlos showed up
early for our pickup
a good sign right turned out not to be so well i'm gonna read it the way she
wrote it turned out not
be so carlos shows turned out not be so yes now one of two things is happening
laurie
is using the parlance of the streets or or she's angrily typing which i think
is probably more likely
laurie is enraged typing this review so so she's not not every word might not
be but the general
message is going to come through continue carlos shows up and wants to use our
bathroom a little
strange but fine turns out he pisses in our toilet and does not have the
courtesy to put down the toilet
seats beginning of the end we were going to the united center carlos clearly
has no idea who to
get there he is totally reliant on a whacked gps system that has him driving
his huge cadillac escalade
stretch down extremely narrow neighborhood streets going in a route that made
no sense i had to take
over and give him clear directions to get to the expressway apparently that was
totally emasculating to
him the house says my gps says i should get off at division off the expressway
when we are going much
further south and west we finally get there and he says he needs two numbers
for the return pickup
we had already given the person paying oh wait we had already given him one
from my female spouse
i say i will just give him mine since i am the person paying carlos says i need
one from the gentleman i am
totally confused and question this carlos explains to this dumb female that he
needs a number from a
guy because girls take too many pictures and run down the battery on their
phone my expression must
have said something because then he's then said trust me i've been doing this
20 years i'm a middle-aged
woman not some dumb kid from his misogynistic world view i of course gave it to
him and his response
was to rudely close the window divider while i was talking the guy was a
complete a-hole stupid terrible
driver and a complete jerk on top of it can't believe he is employed and i
would never use this service
again while he is laurie lightfoot reviewing her trip to the united center
where she went with her
spouse and an unspecified gentleman to some event very angry at carlos the limo
driver
for not knowing what to do she got mad at him for traveling down suburban
streets he pissed on the
all over the toilet on the toilet now here here is the the business owner's
response the turn
yeah well it's a turn yeah it's a real turn here because as let us all remember
this woman is in
charge of one of the largest cities in america yes this is a real turn this is
what they call uh a reveal
if you're a fan of of uh dramatic terminology because we now find out that laurie's
character
is called into question by the good people dare i say good people at vip limousine
in chicago remember
this opened up with laurie very puzzled about a man showing up to use the
bathroom and then pissing
all over her seat which she then called the beginning of the end here is the
statement
from the chicago vip limo one our driver did not use your bathroom we checked
the vehicle cameras and
he did not enter your home you had lots of guests over and of them could have
done what you claim our
wonderful driver carlos did two our drivers have gps systems that work with
current events and traffic
chicago austin often has festivals and we have to work our way around them it
is not your place to
tell him how to do his job three our drivers ask for a gentleman's phone number
actually because they
don't ever want to seem inappropriate asking for a lady's phone number and you
should appreciate that
carlos took the time to ask for a backup phone number in case you lose signal
or battery again our
drivers know what they are doing and have experience now here's the final
paragraph here
it seems to me the only person here who is sexist my dear is you i don't know
where you come to your
conclusion that you were emasculating him maybe you hoped you were your
language is horrendous and
lewd just your rant here make me feel embarrassed for you also wow that's
pretty insulting that you
refer to women who like to take a lot of pics at their events as dumb females
your driver arrived
early he got you on time and safely to your event your credit card you provided
on the contract was
declining we even let you use a different credit card for payment which is
against our rules
and you received an upgraded vehicle twice the price of what you paid without
any upcharge as
a free upgrade from our company wish i could review customers like you find
something better to do with
your time and you should appreciate great service when you receive it wow i
mean you want to talk about
the smackdown you want to talk about a total and utter embarrassment yeah can i
am just enjoying
picturing her face reading that her expressionless face reading this which
shuts her down completely
the guy did not leave his car so this this woman made up
she made up yes that he went into her house and pissed on her seat she just
made that up she pulled
that out of thin air if we're to believe these people which i don't see any
reason why not by the way
it's the fact that's why they took 