Name: #276 - The Squish | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-11-09T06:53:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#276 - The Squish | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#276 - The Squish | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-09. Transcript available.

#276 - The Squish | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Tim Dillon Show.
We have an audio-only episode for you.
We're going to be doing video episodes on Mondays from now on
that are going to be released Mondays, 9 p.m.
This one's a little late.
You know, this is a big week on our tour here.
I'm in New York City doing a show at the Beacon Theater.
We're coming from D.C.
We've been living on a tour bus,
but we have a new studio being built in Los Angeles, California.
So we're here with Ray, and Ray has come over to the hotel,
and he's brought his equipment.
Hello. Thank you for having me.
Yeah. Well, it was a necessary thing to have you.
What, because of the equipment?
Well, that's part of it.
That seems, I mean, I feel like people like me.
Well, you insulted my hat.
It's not a great hat.
You insulted me.
Look, I see a hat.
You wear hats sometimes now.
People see you in the videos wearing hats occasionally with your sunglasses.
I wear them frequently.
They're good hats.
This is, you have his hat.
It's got an old school mesh hat, but it's not even like a trucker hat.
It's the kind of hat you buy at a gift shop of a golf course when, like, you
forgot.
You get to a golf course, and you go, oh, I forgot my hat.
I'm afraid of getting, like, leopard spots on my head.
Let me get a hat.
Right.
And you're flaunting it to me.
I say, oh, what's up with the hat?
And you go, what do you mean?
Well, I'm not flaunting it.
You came in and immediately started attacking it.
Well, you said, this is a cool hat.
I'm like, well, look.
It was a gift.
It's a nice gift.
Someone gave it to me.
It's fine.
It's a gift.
All I said originally was, like, oh, yeah, that makes sense, because it's not
the kind
of hat I think you would wear.
Are you acting the way you're acting now, like, on a pedestal because you're
going to teach
a class at the University of Austin?
Do you know what the University of Austin is?
I've heard of it, yeah.
Barry Weiss's new online school.
Is she running it?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
I saw it on Twitter today about it.
It's all, like, the people that have been canceled from the institutions of
higher learning.
Right.
It's, like, Lex Friedman and the Weinsteins and Barry and some of the people.
Wait, the Weinsteins are involved?
Oh, I mean, come on.
Of course.
Nuts.
Yeah, some of the people at the University of Austin like me.
Many do not.
Right.
I was not approached about the University of Austin.
What would you have liked to have taught?
Well, here's the thing.
All the people that I hate, hate the University of Austin.
But what's great about me is I'm, like, kind of an ally of no one, really.
Right.
They don't really want me involved in that either.
If they offered you one of those honorary degrees, would you show up to accept?
I want a fellowship.
What is a fellowship?
I don't know.
That's why I want it.
I don't know.
But I want more than an honorary degree.
I want to be able to teach a class.
Oh, so you want to be an adjunct professor?
I believe we can get, we can kind of apply.
To be students or to be professors?
To be students at the University of Austin.
I'm sure we could.
Yeah.
I don't think they're going to turn our money away.
I, wait.
What do you mean?
It didn't even, by the way, it didn't even dawn on me that there would be money
exchange.
Like, I didn't even think about the idea that there would be, like, financial.
I mean, this is, in case anyone doesn't, all I saw on Twitter was people
sharing, like, screen caps going, like, no, we don't have accreditation.
We don't have, like, we don't actually offer degrees, per se.
Well, here's where I will say, the university system in this country is insane.
Sure.
The amount of money it costs to go to school.
Right.
How useless a lot of these degrees are.
Sure.
And I've talked, you know, all, you know, ad nauseum about the, how corrupt
these institutions are in terms of, like, the teachers raising their own
salaries, administrators raising their own salaries.
Sure.
Professors, people making a lot of money, they're in league with the government
guaranteeing these loans, kids putting themselves in an insane amount of debt.
And a lot of these schools, not all of them, but a lot of them, everything is
pretty one-sided politically.
That's pretty true.
I mean, the way I see it off the top of my head seems to be, like, saying, like,
hey, the EPA is not great at making sure your water is not poisoned.
So, just buy some poison water from us.
I don't think, like, it's like, oh, like, these degrees are useless.
So, like, they're no better than us.
There's no argument to buy your degree.
Yeah, I don't think the University of Austin, I don't think it's for people
that want degrees where they can actually work.
Right.
I think it's just people that go, we want to pursue truth.
It's skank fest for Brett Weinstein.
It's perhaps that.
It is.
But it's, like, people that are going, I want to, it's the dedicated, the
mission statement seems to be, it's dedicated to the fearless pursuit of truth.
That's the mission statement of it.
That's the higher.
Veritas.
So, now, I think it's all online.
Can you get your phone or my phone?
We got to look this up because I hate the woke universities, which we're not
even supposed to say woke anymore.
Why?
What do you mean, why?
Well, we're not supposed to say them?
Say the word woke?
Because we're not allowed to say anything anymore.
What do you mean, why?
Because today, they just came out with the decree.
You know, one of the chicks from The View was like, you can't say woke anymore
because it's a dog whistle or whatever.
Who knows?
Woke's not a dog whistle.
It's just like a five.
Everything is a dog whistle to these people.
So, we, but I'm saying I'm no friend of the blue haired gender studies.
Well, that's more of a dog whistle.
What?
The blue hair.
I think blue hair is more of a dog whistle than woke.
What is blue hair dog whistling?
You know, it's just like that kind of, like, you know, gender fluid.
Yeah, but I'm honest.
I hate them.
Sure, but I'm saying they're dumb.
I think woke is the most, like, sterile way.
I don't care.
Say both.
That's fine.
I'm just saying I am no friend of these people.
Sure.
And I kind of support the University of Austin, but it is seemingly a little
absurd.
What happened to America that got picked between, like, two groups of hucksters?
But it's always been America, I guess.
I mean, it's always been America.
What do you want to look up here?
We got your phone there.
The University of Austin.
Okay.
This is why the show doesn't work without a producer.
I want to know how to get in and if we're allowed to get in and what we can do.
Okay.
What starts here changes the world.
Now, let me ask you a question.
Yeah.
Should we get into the University of Austin?
Right.
And then start problems immediately?
Oh, yeah.
And, like, start claiming that we are non-binary and we were, like, sexually
assaulted.
Oh, you mean, like, as students, we started saying, like, Heather Heyer raped
us?
Well, maybe not her because I don't know how believable that is.
Brett Weinstein?
I don't know.
Who?
Barry Weiss?
I don't know.
I just, I think that we, you gotta, you gotta start poking around with not, not
outright
rape accusations.
Sure.
But just little by little.
I was misgendered.
Well, like, little by little, just, you play the game a little bit.
Just play the game.
I had a microaggression done upon me.
Well, they're not playing that game over there.
So, you, it's, it's gonna have to be the other side.
What do you mean?
It's gonna, we're gonna have to start accusing people of being gay.
Oh!
Okay.
This is what I mean.
Like, the other side.
Right.
We're gonna have to start accusing people at the University of Austin of, like,
trying
to invite us to secret trans parties.
Okay.
That they're hot, like, they're self-hating trans people, and they're having
these trans
parties, and they're inviting us to them so they can sexually assault us.
What if I start slut-shaming?
Is that, like, a viable path?
No, that, they, you're going the other way.
Like, University of Austin's gonna be okay with all that.
Okay.
Do you understand what I mean?
You better go the other way.
Conservatives are a weird thing, because sometimes they like it when you, when
the people
fuck, but then, you know, also, you call them sluts.
We could start-
You call them pig whores.
Yeah, we could start doing, we could start accusing people of being in a Mossad.
Okay.
You know, when it go down that road.
Go down that road.
Yeah, you killed Diana.
We could start getting the Ray shit really crazy.
We could go, like-
Is there gonna be a lot of, like, racial diversity on the campus?
Well, I mean, like, we could start pushing into hard right, where they're
uncomfortable.
Like, to just shape a skull stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
We could start pushing it there.
All right.
Just see how far they'll go.
Hey, how big is your lie?
Goebbels.
What?
How big is your, you got the big lie?
I was trying to do a Goebbels reference.
Okay.
Do that on your own.
Hard right.
It's a hard, hugely hard right.
Do that on the show that gets 3,000 listens, please.
Five, eight, five to eight.
Okay.
Tell us how do we can get in here.
Okay.
Admissions and aid.
Undergraduate admissions.
Let's see.
Welcome to Longhorn Nation.
What's that?
No, this is not it.
You're on the real one.
Oh.
Right.
You're on the...
Right.
There's a real Texas A&M, like, university, or like, maybe it's not Texas A&M.
There's a university in Austin.
We're not talking about that.
There's a university of Texas at Austin.
Right.
We don't mean that.
Get on Twitter.
Go to Twitter, to the University of Austin.
On Twitter.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to get into Barry Weiss's college.
It's the University of Austin.
With Lex Friedman and Andrew Sullivan's on it.
There's other people.
Let's go to Barry Weiss first, and then...
Yeah.
There's a Twitter dedicated to this new college.
Is Barry Weiss off Twitter?
What the fuck is going on here?
Did she block you because you're fat?
Maybe.
The official Twitter kind of Barry...
I don't know.
57,000 followers.
Does that make sense?
No.
Is this Barry Weiss?
What?
Look, I don't know what you...
What are you talking about?
There's some guy, and this is Barry Weiss.
No, dude.
I'm milking.
I'm trying to find him.
I mean, are you...
What are you not...
I don't follow Barry Weiss.
What are you talking about?
Why wouldn't you?
What's to follow?
Why?
Because you don't agree with her?
I don't...
I follow 400 people.
I'm sorry.
I should follow more people, I guess.
Okay.
I have it right here.
Okay.
I have the University of Austin right here up.
Now...
I'm sorry I saw it on my homepage.
All right.
But I'm trying to find out...
I'm trying to find out what's going on here.
Austin Org.
At Austin Org.
University of Austin.
It's being followed by 10,000 people.
Ready?
Here it is.
Ready?
We're done waiting for America's universities to fix themselves.
So we're starting a new one.
A university dedicated to the pursuit of truth.
The fearless pursuit of truth.
Nile Ferguson, Heather Hine, David Mamet, Joe Lonsdale, Steven Pinker, Lex
Friedman, Andrew Sullivan.
Other people.
Larry Summers.
I think a lot of people.
Isn't Joe Lonsdale like Enron?
No, he does Palantir.
Oh, okay.
What if it was just corporate criminals?
Like Fastow.
Andy Fastow.
Ken Lay's son in parentheses.
But it's the University of Austin.
I mean...
Dave Portnoy.
Yeah, look.
Why not?
He could be the gym teacher.
It would just be a funny week to announce that he was Dave Portnoy.
Is he too toxic for them now?
I feel like he's...
I don't know.
I feel like...
Look, I don't know what happened with him, but I feel like he's in a better...
I trust him more than any of these people.
I probably do as well.
Dave Portnoy, you know, insider...
You know, you don't remember this kid that used to work...
There was a comic.
This kid named...
I'm not going to say his name.
Okay.
He used to be a comic.
He quit comedy.
Then he started working for Business 