Name: #278 - A Thanksgiving Tale | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-11-23T01:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#278 - A Thanksgiving Tale | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#278 - A Thanksgiving Tale | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-23. Transcript available.

#278 - A Thanksgiving Tale | The Tim Dillon Show

just drive around go to like go to like driftwood or spicewood or one of the
woods
it's thanksgiving time it's thanksgiving time
can i sing the whole episode because it's a holiday episode
kyle rittenhouse was found innocent on all charges what do you think of that
ben
many people are upset
i just i just sing the whole hour you know well folks it's an audio only
episode today we just
got off tour a month uh our new studio is being built on the top of the sears
tower in chicago
very excited about that we're dumping an insane amount of money we have many
investors in the new
studio people don't know and a lot of the investors want to stay silent because
the show deals every
now and then with topics of a controversial nature so many big investors i'm
talking power players money
people from behind the scenes in the shadows dark money if you will slush funds
they're lining up
to open their coffers to throw money at our new studio which is going to be
built
uh in the burj khalifa in dubai we are moving to dubai to start a comedy scene
in the united arab emirates
in the capital of dubai ben will live in doha with his wife which is a little
bit uh far away but i of
course need to be in dubai at the burj khalifa the tallest building in the
world where we will have a comedy
studio at the very top of it funded by uh dark money uh investors from all over
the world which we cannot name
and we're very excited about that it's going to take a little bit to finalize
all of this now we kid
obviously that those two things were jokes i'm we're not moving to dubai unless
we get an offer and if we
do we will but we are having a studio built many of you doubt this you think we're
lying to you
i've never lied to you except when i said i was going to uh texas was a good
idea or that i was um
you know that i was going to uh what what other lies have i said right i've
said i was going to lose
weight but i have what did i say charity event no but we're trying to do
charity that i want to do
charity no one tells me how every day this is true i wake up and i go how do i
do a charity event and
nobody has any useful information i desperately want to do charity feed needy
families help people i've
i i'm telling you that and but the you you have to understand that my audience
is they're not good at
that like i don't have an audience of women that really are involved and
plugged into the charity
scene my audience doesn't give me any good suggestions about charity they throw
out they'll
send me a gofundme of someone and i'll amplify it because i always will if it
if it makes sense
some of these gofundmes i think are sus but if i if i look at it and i read it
and it feels
correct then sure but it can't be something that's completely seeming like it's
you know something
where i'm gonna find out you know that it was a written house slush fund that's
what i think some
of these gofundmes are gonna be and by the way with your thanksgiving i hope it's
not a written house
i hope it's a written home and i want you to say that when you go to your
thanksgiving you say you
know what i like about this it's not a written house it's a written home get
that on shirts and wear
it to your thanksgiving it's a good uh remember you know it was funny the other
day i was thinking about
this because i think and i was which i'm trying not to do the less you do it
the better things are but
i was thinking about remember all those games and like we're doing this in a
car by the way ben is
driving around ben is a ben is a horrible driver who almost killed someone once
it with a motorcycle you
almost killed a guy ben's wife almost killed a woman right and ben and his wife
have both been sued for
millions of dollars and yet i am the one who is accused of being a bad driver
because i have totaled
five cars and i've had my license suspended over 20 times and i i'd like to
drive fast but yet i have
never been well we had that one incident with that when i almost killed my
secretary a very fat woman
who hit her head on the dashboard of my car when we were going to get percocet
and her head blew up
and there was like a baseball shape on her head it was very disturbing and i
had to sit through a
deposition and i but nothing happened nothing came of that she ended up being
fine this was not a
you know she had some problems probably after that accident but i mean she got
really but she
was the one who said turn and pointed into the bank for us to get money out of
the atm so that we
could buy percocet in the middle of work i'm not blaming her what i'm saying is
that life's weird
and she smacked her head it was really bad the car pepsi can it was a head-on
collision
and uh we i got over that but ben and his wife are constantly killing people
didn't your wife
uh hit someone with a baby she knocked over a baby so was there a baby in it jesus
christ ben's wife
knocked over a baby stroller and threw a baby what happened to that baby what
happened to the baby
nothing how is a baby fine if she knocked over a baby stroller when people say
when i say i'm
terrified of this woman and people say i'm overreacting she's caitlin jenner
the woman will kill
children with impunity ben killed a motorcyclist just because he didn't like
him he hit some guy
so i'm terrified taking my life in my hands sitting in the front seat of this
car
broadcasting for you while our studio is being built in phoenix arizona but
what i was thinking
about the other day look at this guy jogging look at this old guy god love him
he's just jogging
texas has some in shape older men like a guy like that's a texas guy he just
jogs he's got white hair
and he just jogs and he he's addicted to that endorphin rush of jogging and
then he feels good
and he can go home and watch tucker and it keeps him in shape but remember all
those games like that
they used to sell that the point of the game was to like loosen everybody up at
the party it was like
they i don't know what they were like pictionary and uh scrabble and there was
a lot of other games
uh i don't even um i'm trying to recall all of them what is the game where
everybody asked the
questions trivial pursuit there were all of these games because i guess there
was a certain point
in this country where people didn't know how to talk to each other and they
didn't hate each other
enough to just fight which is what they do now so they were bored like they
showed up to a party and
everybody was like we don't know what to do so then you would break out like
one of these games and i
guess that would get people talking and the point of the game you know
categories and cranium the point
of these games was to just lubricate people enough socially to interact because
it was a fun thing to
do because these people didn't see each other a lot they had nothing in common
and this was the time
when people like still they they were a mystery to each other is my point there
was no social media
there was no facebook you didn't know what someone had for breakfast you didn't
know how big their
kid was until they walked in people were a mystery to each other you did not
know anything about your
relatives other than the few times that you would see them over the holidays so
you would go in and
you go i don't know what to talk to these people about just break out
categories just break out trivial
pursuit and we can all ask each other questions we can get silly we can get
goofy but now the holidays have
just become cauldrons of hatred people hate each other now openly so much that
they just the only they
won't even do that like nobody would even suggest that they would play a game
because people would get
nervous about it people are so apprehensive and anxiety ridden about walking in
to any of their holiday
parties because everybody hates each other for different reasons and they hate
each other because of what
they believe it's a deep hatred it it's no longer just family squabbles and you
know grudges that were
held and you know she didn't come to my party and her kids party was on the
same day as the thing i was trying to do
now these these these disputes that people have are rooted in how they feel
about the world
and how they and what they which direction they think the country should go in
and i like that i think
that's good because what what it does is it makes these things so much more fun
than they used to be
not for me i don't go but for the people that go isn't it for fun isn't it more
fun now than it was
playing dictionary isn't it fun to see your aunt and your grandfather scream at
each other about kyle rittenhouse
a person neither one of them knew existed until six months ago isn't it good
that they can destroy
their entire relationship based on a kid that they didn't know existed until
half a year ago
neither one of them was in wisconsin neither one of them was at the protest
riot whatever neither one
of them has a gun fires a gun has really neither one of them has been in that
position neither one
of them understands that position neither one of them has worked as a cop or in
law enforcement or as
a da or as a defense attorney they have no knowledge about courts about
criminal justice they have no
knowledge about public policy they don't really know anything about psychology
about the way people react
in situations under pressure they know nothing about nothing but yet they are
going to scream at each
other with the certainty of a man who god just appeared to about a kid from wisconsin
kyle rittenhouse
and that's fun to me i think that's entertaining i enjoy it i like to see it i
like to see the little
skirmishes you know if you're at the holidays let me light a cigarette for a
minute here ben try not to
kill someone notice the way the skirmishes begin because you know you're not
going to be able to
keep the top on the can of worms you're going to try like there's going to be
little moments during dinner
where topics arise and then people shut them down like there's going to be
someone whose job it is to
shut it down there'll be an aunt whose job it is to just shut it down and she's
going to just bring up
something and she's going to laugh and go we're not getting into that now that
aunt's power is going
to decline through the evening as people drink more and then eventually people
start telling her to shut the
fuck up
and then it's just going to descend
into chaos pretty quickly people are going is that a saint bernard is that a
saint bernard that's
beautiful all right it's kids we can't talk to kids not during the epstein
trial i thought that
was an adult i just yelled out at a kid is that a saint bernard all of a sudden
their parents come out
with guns stop trying to fuck my daughter i just like saint bernard's yeah that's
what they all say
you like saint bernard's and all of a sudden she's pregnant
like my family is going to have a thanksgiving this year but i'm not going and
the reason i'm not
going is i'm hated by my family by many different parts of my family and for
many different reasons
some are legitimate some are not if i was to choose to go to thanksgiving there
would be
conference calls and group texts there would be email chains um it would be a
process
cancellations people they might uproot the entire thing they might say we can't
do it if he's gonna come
because i don't get along with my aunt we don't get along we don't get along
and it's not political
it's it's it's personal and we don't see eye to eye so i will not be going to
that i'm having
thanksgiving with my fake family my godson and his retarded parents and my
friend michelle and and her
buffoon and her children she is from a broken home or she broke her home and
then she's we're all doing
it at a hotel and it'll be lovely it'll be lovely because it's it's the
families where you find it
folks really but i can't go to my thanksgiving and i've had some of my cousins
call and they go we're
gonna do thanksgiving i go yeah well that's good but i can't i can't go the
food has been 