Name: #285 - Tim Dillon VS Substack | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-01-29T02:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#285 - Tim Dillon VS Substack | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#285 - Tim Dillon VS Substack | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-29. Transcript available.

#285 - Tim Dillon VS Substack | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We do apologize that it is late.
How many days late are we?
Three days. Four days. It'll be four.
Four days late.
It's not our fault.
For the free. Well, is it not?
There's a mandate here.
We had to go find our vax cards. We're in L.A.
I don't let anyone record
unless they have been
vaccinated and boosted
twice.
Which is not even required or allowed.
I tried to sneak some ivermectin
in here and rub it on myself, but you stopped
it, you confiscated it, and you said only
vax allowed. It's vaxed only
boosted
double-masked
face shield.
Yeah.
Over every orifice.
We must prolong life at
all costs. Yeah.
No matter what. We must defeat
COVID. No matter what.
Prior infection, you gave me
COVID so I could recover, so I could come in here.
We will defeat COVID.
Yes. Not the Chinese, but COVID we
will. We will beat it. We will beat it with
our antibodies, which are just tiny little mini
Rogans that call on your body and fight back.
Yes. Thank God.
Well, I'll tell you this. I had a birthday.
Giannis Pappas is with us.
I had a birthday recently. Am I at the
point where I'm friend of the show yet? Yeah.
Friend of the show. Friends of the show.
I like that. That means like I'm, you know,
I'm friends with you guys. Friend of the show.
Yeah. And I had a birthday
recently and
it's a real,
when you get older and you
have birthdays, you realize
they, number one, they,
they're annoying
and they shouldn't be celebrated.
And then you, you realize your friends
are
like my friend, Michael, who's a nice guy.
He's the godfather to his son,
who I love, but he's like
an idiot. And he ordered
like Italian subs to my room
in New York City
and like a charcuterie platter
and like a tray of like chicken parmesan.
And this is after
Louie Anderson and Meatloaf
both dropped dead.
And he decided to order this
in my room.
I'm staying there in New York alone
and then I'm not there.
I'm, I'm doing stuff the whole day.
I come back.
It's just cold food
that this junkie
I sent to my room
and I hate, I hate the calls
and the texts
happy birthday
from people you haven't spoken to
in years.
Yeah, well that's how you know
I'm a real friend.
Yes.
First of all,
I don't even think you called
or texted.
If I would have known
it was your birthday.
Yeah.
I was about to say
this is how you know
I'm a real friend
then I realized
I didn't know
it was your birthday.
No, but that's a friend.
That's a friend.
Yeah.
People that go,
oh, people are texting you
and speaking
you haven't spoken to them
in years.
Happy birthday, boss.
Yeah.
What?
It's embarrassing.
Well, you know,
I'm, you know,
if someone's good
if someone in this business
is going to wish you
a happy birthday
this is what I learned this week.
Yeah.
If I'm going to wish
Tim Dillon a happy birthday
I'm going to plug my dates
at the end
I'm going to turn
that camera around
Bert Kreischer gave me
a nice one-two lesson
on turning into content.
I'm going to be like
happy birthday Tim Dillon
He's the best marketer
in the business.
You swing that camera
he does the swing
and you go
Tampa
February 10th
Yeah.
It's old Joel's
February 5th.
He's the best marketer
No, if his daughter
has a period
he goes on Instagram live.
He's the best marketer
in the entire business.
It should be
it should be
you should listen to that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is the goal.
Yeah.
Ben gets a happy birthday text
because I can't monetize it.
Yeah.
So you'll get one
but for Timmy Dillon
I'm, yeah
I'm shooting a sketch with it.
Yeah.
It's got to be
it's got to mean more.
Yeah.
But you just get
you get older
and you realize
that you're just dying
and then the people
that are wishing you
happy birthday
in a weird way
they kind of want you to die.
Yeah.
I almost feel like
every text
like happy birthday
hope it's the last one.
You know?
Yeah.
Well it's almost like
a message
when you send
those type of sandwiches
to the room.
It was embarrassing.
That's how you know
my friend
I would have sent you
if I would have known
it was your birthday
I would have given you
what you want
what you need
and that's a poke bowl.
Yeah.
I mean
it's embarrassing
to come back
to like chafing dishes
from a Long Island
fireman's retirement party
in your room alone.
Yeah.
I'm like
this is an embarrassing thing
that nobody needs
and I'm
now I got to call
the people at the hotel
and go
can you just take this out?
Can you take all this food
out of here?
Did you not eat it
and just order?
It's cold.
Yeah.
It's been sitting there
for 10 hours.
So what you're saying
is it's not always
the thought that counts.
It's never the thought
that counts.
It's a lie.
But when
when Michelle
our friend Michelle
brought you
brought you a re-gifted sweater
that was three sizes too small
wasn't that
that was a good thought?
She
she
she
she bought a gift
for someone
that didn't want it
and then she came in
and gave it to me
and it was three sizes
too small.
Thoughtful though.
Thoughtful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thoughtful as if she walked
past in her house
and said oh I got to get rid
of this thing.
She's the type of person
when she lies
she believes it.
Yeah.
So that's the best type of liar.
Right.
She believed
as soon as that person
said I don't want this
Michelle literally believed
and she bought it for me.
Yeah.
She believes it.
That's how you know
faith is stronger than reason.
Yeah.
Because if she would have
taken one second to reason
she would have said
Tim is not a child small.
Yeah it was
and then she said
something like
yeah you work
I go you work
She goes yeah
she goes you jog
and you'll fit in it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jog.
Yeah.
I'll jog
and get hit by a bus
and reincarnated
as someone who still
wouldn't fit
into it.
It was
but she's a lot
but I like people around me
that are
liars
and degenerates.
It's a good show.
It's a fun show.
It's a fun show.
No most of my friends
are you know
these are people
you want to watch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We just had
for two reasons
double entendre
pun intended.
We just had a fun meeting.
Yeah.
We had a fun meeting
and I don't know
if we should talk about this.
Should we
she text your lawyer first?
We had a fun meeting
with the people
that run the
sub stack.
Have you heard of this now?
Sub stack.
Journalists
can't get things published
in the mainstream news
when they're writing
because the mainstream news
we all know
is corporate sponsored
propaganda
and
these people
are fearless
thought leaders.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes they are.
Yes they are.
So
they're fearless
thought leaders
and
which I
I'm all for
sub stack
go make that money
hey go make that bread
Bari
who came to the show
we had a great show
at the Comedy Store
Kevin Hart
Chris Rock
and then Bari Weiss
came to the show
and did
30 minutes
talked about
Israel
at the end
we appreciated that
we had a meeting
we had a meeting
we had a meeting
with the sub stack
founder
wanted to meet
with me
and I brought you
yes
it's much like
in Good Will Hunting
when Matt Damon
just sent
Ben Affleck
when he didn't want it
yeah
I went in there
like Ben Affleck
like
retainer
they called
me and Ben
right
yes
yes
and
describe for the people
what they're trying to do
because
the show on Patreon
is big
and they want us
to jump
they want us to jump
over from Patreon
to them
and take everything
with us
and get off
and get off YouTube
yes
for free
for free
and get off
YouTube as well
for no money
because you're friends
because we believe
in what they're doing
so they call us
a woman called us
and she's a nice woman
she's a peppy
she's a pep
and she called
hi
hi
we're like
big fans
and I'm like
20 million bucks
20 million dollars
I mean you saw her dress
she could afford it
20 million
she can't
20 million dollars
like I said
if you give me 20 million
YouTube
I'll say
who tube
I'm off
sorry Susan
whatever her name is
I leave here
and then I leave
Patreon
I don't know
who the hell runs that
20 million bucks
because we got businesses
that make money
Rogan got a lot
but you gotta pay money here
and so then
we threw that number out
and then she
you could tell
she was like
aghast
at that number
on the phone
she didn't understand it
maybe she thought
you were joking
that's why they went through
at the meeting
yeah
so I don't know
what she thought
but then she said
we want
you should sit down
with the founder
of
Substack
because they want to
be doing more stuff
with content
so I brought you
you brought me
yeah
you brought me
and it was a message
you were basically saying
me and my friend
were walking
and we may walk
by that restaurant
we're having fun
you're not in LA
all the time
no
this is not a serious
signing meeting
I can tell that
yeah the message is
I'm gonna fit you
into what I'm doing
yeah
we're gonna
and how do you think
did you enjoy it
it was a
as we said
it was a good show
it was fun
it was a good show
you
you
set the game
at the beginning
yeah
they thought
hey we're gonna sit down
they were thinking
like this is gonna be
a three hour meal
we're gonna get to know
Tim
and only Tim
yeah
the reservation
was for four
right
we had to change tables
they were like
oh who's this
yeah
and Tim's like
this is my friend
we had to find
a new table
they had to put us
in another section
of the restaurant
yeah
and they thought
it was just gonna be
a nice bonding
right
dinner
where
you were
an ally
in the revolution
right
yeah
they didn't know
that you
were there
to let them know
we're playing
a different game
and that game is
listen
let's get right to it
we
cause
let's not act like
we all don't have
real friends
yeah
I mean let's
I said that
let's get back
to our real friends
we have real friends
they said let's
we all have real friends
yeah
you know
let's not
let's get right to it
let's cut it out
yeah
let's cut it out here
we all got real friends
waiting for us
are you smoking crack
we're not moving
the operation
to sub stack
for no money
are you on
crack cocaine
sir
good sir
and madam
they said to me
they go
we'd love if you did it
for a reason
that was other
than financial
what
no
I'm not
gonna do it
the only reason
I would do it
if you gave me
a shitload of money
and I don't have
to charge anybody
any more money
on Patreon
meaning like
my fans get
the same deal
they've always had
they don't get
fucked over at all
and you give me
a chunk of money
then maybe
we'll consider it
but you didn't
want to just
the thing that
I was a little
surprised by
was that you
didn't want to
get to know them
better
they seemed like
it would be
a fun hang
yeah
they wanted
yeah
they wanted
to like
be buddies
they thought
we were gonna
be buds
and they thought
it was gonna
work out
where I would
be like
hey
you know
it would be
fun
I was gonna
call Ben
and go
let's just
delete the Patreon
right now
they thought
I was gonna
do in the
middle of dinner
I go
hey
why don't
we delete
let's just
delete the
YouTube
and the
Patreon
yeah
you know
you guys
are visionaries
and I just
want to do it
for the culture
the cause
yeah
I'm excited
I'm excited
about it
and
that's why
I worked so
hard to build
it on my
own
just so I
could
just over
dinner
I could be
charmed
and give it
away
yeah
and they go
they go
well we don't
want to own
you
yeah
I go
well I'm
not owned
now
right
nobody owns
me
now
they're like
well
what's great
about the
substack
is we have
the email
yeah
they go
we have
the email
list
have you
we have
email
on the
site
we can
email
the people
they know
we have
that too
right
I don't
know
if they
do
know
that we
have
email
they go
we have
email
you can
email
your
people
when their
episodes
come out
you send
the email
they were
really searching
for reasons
why
they didn't
know
they had
no idea
they had
no idea
what the
advantage
would be
they go
well it's
a community
yeah
it's a
community
of people
that get
emails
yeah
don't you
want
and I said
I like
what you're
doing
I like
the idea
that these
journalists
can go
make
money
Andrew
Sullivan
and Barry
Weiss
and Greenwald
and Taibbi
whoever
these are
people that
should have
a platform
and a way
to monetize
their stuff
but then
they were
like shitting
o