Name: #287 - Drug Recognition Expert | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-02-14T10:30:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#287 - Drug Recognition Expert | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#287 - Drug Recognition Expert | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-14. Transcript available.

#287 - Drug Recognition Expert | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
The Super Bowl was won by the L.A. Rams.
And who cares?
But a lot of people do.
And the people that don't pretend to, and that's lovely.
In L.A. there's obviously a lot of actors and people who really, you know,
they're like, yeah!
But a week ago, they didn't know who the Rams were, and they didn't care.
But it's just fun, it's fun.
It's like, drugs!
There's a reason for it.
There's a reason to be fucked up.
Woo!
And then there's a lot of other people that really care,
but, you know, there's a lot of people that I think are pretending.
They seem to be, you know, they seem to be a little bit more moved
than they're actually, than they truly are.
Because tomorrow they wake up, they don't care.
It's back to them.
It's a nice collective experience for a city that doesn't really like the
collective.
It's more of an independent city about you and what you're up to.
But if someone's done something else, it doesn't directly involve you.
And it's nice to pretend to care about it, even though most people don't.
The people that do are, like, regular people that are not in L.A. to, like,
make, you know, make, like, something or make it.
They're human beings who live in L.A. and work and have families, they care.
But the people that I'm around and the people that I, you know, observe are
pretending to care
because it allows them to have a collective experience, even though it's fraudulent
and not real.
It allows them, for a few minutes, to pretend that they can enjoy something
outside of themselves,
which is completely, they're incapable of doing.
And this allows them to pretend that they can do that, which they cannot.
But, you know, it's fun.
It's fun.
We just got hassled by the L.A.P.D. on the way to the studio.
Two cops pulled us over, an Asian guy and a bald guy.
And we had inched over the line.
What was it?
The line of...
The traffic line, the intersection line.
Now, by the way, he was next to us, the cops, and we pulled up to where he was.
And then he pulled up.
So I kind of thought I could pull up because I figured that, well, he's pulling
up.
I guess I could pull up.
But, you know, what he's basically saying is we're pulling up because for our
own safety,
we don't like people next to us because we think you can take shots at us or
whatever,
which, again, you know, we weren't planning to do.
But I didn't realize it that...
I know it's bad out there, but I didn't realize...
I didn't think he was like, oh, I'm going to shoot us in the head, so we'll go
up.
So he moved up, I moved up, and then he looked at me.
And do you remember the first thing he said?
I don't really remember.
He said, sir, why did you roll through the line there?
Have you been drinking tonight?
Yeah, because you've been drinking tonight.
I'm like, first of all, the light is green.
I'm like, it's a green light.
So I'm going through the green light, okay?
That's how it works.
And he's like, well, I'm going to pull you over to do a deewee check.
And I'm like, I had exhibited no behavior of drinking.
I was not swerving.
There was no smell of marijuana or alcohol in the car.
You know, there was nothing going on.
We're on our way to the studio.
Every time I defend the cops, by the way, and when I say I defend the cops, I
just defend the idea that there needs to be a police force.
I don't really defend the cops, per se.
I just defend the idea that you need to have some enforcement of the law or
rich people just hire mercenaries.
And then chaos ensues.
But every time I even try to defend that, you know, you have interactions with
these people, and they're always bad.
And they're always, like, kind of abusive.
And I'm a white guy in a nice car.
Imagine if I was a black guy, what they could get away with doing.
They bait you into saying something disrespectful so that they can bring you in.
He kept threatening me with other.
First of all, we pull over, okay?
And you can tell he's mentally unstable.
Many people in the LAPD are mentally unstable.
Okay?
This is not their first choice of employment.
He identified himself as a DRE.
What was it again?
A drug recognition expert.
Yeah, a drug recognition expert.
He's an expert on recognizing when people are on drugs.
Because apparently that's hard to do.
It's an art.
It's a science.
Because you would never know when someone's on drugs unless you had a drug
recognition expert.
So lucky.
So now this drug recognition expert, based on the fact that I was not swerving,
not slurring,
no smell of alcohol or marijuana,
but I was answering his questions coherently.
He was like, oh, he must be fucked up.
So he pulls me over and then he starts going at me.
He goes, if you had a drink?
I said, not in 13 years, which is true.
And he goes, okay.
And then I'm like, he goes, well, we're going to do a test here.
And he pulls out a pen.
And he goes, what color is the pen?
No, it's a clear pen.
It's a clear pen that looks bluish, purplish, kind of.
It's a weird tint.
It's a Bic pen.
I don't know, blue, clear?
He's like, oh.
He thinks he's got someone.
Like, dummy.
First of all, it's not even a sobriety test.
A sobriety test, you get me out of the car.
This is like a waste of both of our time.
You just want to bait me into saying something crazy.
You can bring me in and then you don't have to do your job for the rest of the
night.
I get it.
So this emotionally unstable lunatic then has me follow the pen cap with my
eyes.
He's like, don't move your head.
Just your eyes.
Which I can do.
I go to the left, you know, right, left, right.
We get it.
I complete that and he goes, you know, he's kind of a dick.
He's being a dick.
And I go, it's a rental.
Here's the insurance.
I've not had a drink in 12 years.
We're going to work.
He's being a dick.
So then he's more of a dick.
Starts lecturing me about D-Wees and, you know, whatever.
And this is my job.
And I'm like, okay.
But I passed.
We're done.
So then as he's leaving, I go, scumbag to Ben.
Because I was yelling at Ben.
But here's the deal with them.
You can't say to their face, they'll put you in jail.
But what you do is you say to someone in the car something about them.
Because that's freedom of speech.
But if you say to them, they will say that you are being, whatever, menacing,
threatening,
or that you are out, you know, because he's like, he alluded to the fact
that you could take me in for multiple tests.
He goes, that's only one test.
There's many tests.
So what he's basically saying is, say the wrong thing.
I'll bring you in.
You'll pee in a cop.
We'll do blood.
Whatever it is.
You know, which then I call a million lawyers.
And we go to war with piggy blue collar, piggy pig.
But we don't want to do that.
You know what I mean?
We don't want to do that.
Okay?
But he's, you know, drunk on his own power.
Not the brightest bulb.
You know, he's on Dewey enforcement in Beverly Hills, right?
And then he comes back.
He goes, what was that?
I was like, oh, I didn't say anything.
I said, I have freedom of speech.
It's my own car.
I can say whatever I want.
He goes, well, what did you say?
I said, it's none of your concern.
And then we just start fighting.
Like, going at it for what?
About 20 minutes?
About 20 minutes.
About 20 minutes going back and forth with this civil servant slob about, you
know, why I have rights.
That's all.
About why I have rights and why this idiot doesn't get to just, you know.
And again, this is the pandemic or whatever it is.
It's going back to 9-11.
It's like, this is instilled.
And I'm like, I'm like, with the city falling apart, with people getting killed,
smash and grabs, robberies,
do you think the best use of your time right now is to argue with a guy that we've
proven is sober and is not breaking any laws?
Do you think that's the best use of your time?
He's like, well, what do you do for a living?
I said, I'm Gavin Newsom's personal assistant.
That's exactly what I said.
I said, that's what I do.
And we got back.
I said, I'm somewhat well-known.
I said, I'm not crazy well-known compared to other people, but I'm decently
well-known.
Because he goes, he said some shit about, have you ever been shot at?
I'm like, no, I defend cops on large platforms.
I've said nice things about cops.
I'm going to take them all back.
He's like, have you ever met someone who's been the victim of a deewee?
No.
Aren't they dead?
Isn't that your point?
He's like, do you know, have you ever gone to a deewee scene?
No.
Is that something I'm even allowed to do?
Am I even allowed to just go to deewee scenes to look at mangled people to
learn?
I'm not drinking.
But again, the cops are abusive and belligerent.
And they're trying to make you say something.
They're trying to trip you up.
It's incredibly unprofessional that the way that they behave and act.
And it's sad, but I was, um, I, you know, argued my position pretty well.
I said, Hey buddy, like, you know, at any time, did you think I was going to go
in?
Yeah.
I thought, uh, I thought we weren't getting the episode in in time for sure.
Well, no, but did you think I was going to jail?
No, I didn't think you were going to jail, but I thought it might escalate a
little bit more.
But I did a good job.
I helped your ground.
I helped my ground because what the thing is, is they're so used to just trampling
on people's
civil liberties and rights.
Like for example, I'm not drunk.
We've proven I'm not drunk.
I made a comment to my friend in the car.
Guess what?
It's none of your business that I said you were a scumbag.
If I say to your face, I like people that say things to my face.
I'm like, cause you can bring him to jail.
That's what you like.
Liar.
You're a liar.
You, you're a, you're a power crazed psychopath.
You're the entire reason we have fucking problems right now in this country
because you people
show up somewhere and start firing wildly because you're all insane.
Okay.
Not all of you, but far too many.
Let's be clear.
Far too many of you are fucking out there causing real problems.
He's an Asian guy.
He's like, they said I was racist and they were spitting on me and I didn't
take them to jail.
I'm like, number one, you probably did.
Number two, I'm not spitting on you.
I'm telling you that I have a right as a human being.
I'm sorry that doesn't sit well with you.
But when I said Gavin Newsom's personal assistant, the bald guy laughed.
Yeah, the other cop on the other side.
Yeah, the baldy, baldy laughed.
But yeah, I mean, you know, what are you going to do?
This is why the LAPD, I mean, they're the most corrupt police force in the
country.
So they don't do much, but whatever they do is always bad.
Like whatever they get involved with is horrendous.
So you're glad that they, but what's going on with the Ukraine?
Everyone's going on about this Ukraine now.
You can't leave the house without people in a grocery store going, Ukraine.
What's going to happen, do you think?
Because here's what's happening for the uninitiated, for the people that don't
know.
Vladimir Putin, who is that, and this is, I, I was stunned when I read the full
story about this.
There is a couple who wants to be in the Olympics, and they are non-binary, and
they are from Russia.
And Vladimir Putin is not letting them into the Olympics because he, you know,
he does not like gay people.
This is, this is the whole thing.
We are going to have to have a nuclear war with Russia.
Have you heard this?
We're going to have to have, because I thought this was like Ukraine joining
NATO and like, like NATO pushing further into Russia's territory.
And then kind of like, you know, they're kind of prone to invasion and them
kind of freaking out going, hey, you're encircling us.
Like, would you like it if, if, if we encircled you like that?
Like, don't you see?
But it's not about them.
There is a non-binary figure skating team that is being denied entry to the
Olympics by Russia.
So we're going to have to have a nuclear exchange because Russia is not as pro-progressive
as we would like.
