Name: #292 - Do It Quietly | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-03-27T01:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#292 - Do It Quietly | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#292 - Do It Quietly | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-27. Transcript available.

#292 - Do It Quietly | The Tim Dillon Show

timdillacomedy.com for all the live dates we've got a lot of shows coming up
and we're very
excited about them here we're just going to run through them right now and then
we're going to
put this in the front of the show glasgow dublin london jacksonville charlotte
new orleans dallas
austin chicago houston cincinnati baby northfield ohio sydney australia melbourne
australia brisbane
australia adelaide australia perth australia and then that is it this tour is
over we're wrapping
it up we would love to see you on the road thank you ladies and gentlemen
welcome to the tim dylan show
hillary clinton has just uh contracted the disease she created covid19 bill
tested negative
and is feeling fine this is from hillary's twitter he's quarantining until our
household
is fully in the clear movie recommendations appreciated from hillary clinton
and then jen
saki tweets at her finally watching inventing anna and recommend and highly
recommend lots of water tea
and juice jen saki uh press secretary for joe biden recommending inventing anna
the show on netflix
about a con artist in new york city to hillary clinton interesting but a con
artist who got caught
and was not able to swindle her way to chappaqua i can say where they live i
mean people know where
they live that's fine it's public information i don't need to be alive hillary
is uh dealing with
covid she's uh older she's an older woman so it's always tough when somebody
who's an older woman contracts
covid and she's a good woman and a woman who well my grandmother loved her so
that counts for something
right no matter what this woman's done in her life my my grandmother uh really
cared about her and uh
she was like gung-ho hillary clinton here with ben avery of course everything
okay with you you have
a very odd you've had a very weird tone it's made a lot of people uncomfortable
i'm so i'm so thrown off
i feel like i've i've been doing uh well you have a very like it's a bossy like
you get very bossy to
everyone when you're it's like your studio and you're like very like yes you do
you and everybody
realizes it you have a very kind of bossy authoritarian i feel like i'm
intentionally very open
i open heart and i feel like i'm very encouraging and i feel like i bring a lot
of uh i feel like i
light up a room a little bit not like a huge bulb like a huge bright bulb of
light like a studio light
but i definitely i'm carrying like a candle or like a torch or something i come
in and i just feel like
hey ben's here everything's okay okay you've now that is your word word quota
for the next three
episodes you're not to utter another word you you are so out of line by the way
i was with devon and
ida richie friends of ours it's late night in the studio just hanging out and
uh the other day we're
on a plane now by the way i sit in first class he sits in coach it's the way it
is it's the way it is
it's called capitalism uh and i look back he's sitting in the row right behind
the first class curtain
trolling me essentially sitting in like a comfort seat or some type of like
higher priced seat and i'm
looking at him i usually never see him and i walk sometimes to the back of the
plane and i give him
something that we get in first class a hard-boiled egg or something i squirrel
it away to him and he's
sitting right up there but you know how god punishes him tell everyone hap what
happened in the middle
of the flight tell everybody what happened uh uh a younger white man is sitting
in the middle seat fit
uh started vomiting all over wait a minute how did you describe him a younger
white man and then you
said fit like he's fit he's fit okay what in god's name does that have to do
with what happens it's not
who you would think would it would be who would you think it would be um an
older woman
of what race i don't know why this is important well you specified race you
brought it up that's true
that's kind of weird i did that yeah interesting what was a white guy it was a
white fit man the enemy
and what then happened to you he uh he like like crazy started vomiting all
over his his groin and
his crotch that's right and it he did it so much he was flailing around for uh
that's right the throw
up bags and he couldn't there weren't any and so he just kept going like about
five times went into my
ridge wallet backpack went on my shoes went on my pants i'm stuck in the window
the guy in the aisle
jumped up immediately and i was just stuck there's nothing i could do here's
then what happens they send
them into first i swear to god they send these dirty pieces of covered in vomit
into first class
to wash themselves off and i'm like what the is going on i'm not vomiting so
you bring some schmuck from
steerage who's vomiting into fits like a two thousand dollar ticket and this
monster who's vomiting
you know and i hope he's okay because he said he passed out when the plane took
off
yes these are bad sides you went unconscious he said very we worry about him
and we want him to be okay
but we don't want him in first class covered in vomit right what is ron de santa's
doing in disney world
killing uh gay children what's going on now why is disney world disney world is
in like have you heard
about this that uh you can't say gay now that don't say gay in florida if you
say gay
something happens i don't know what do they do they go they get you you march
or something
putin loves the don't say gay though putin's we want to play devon's thing it
was so funny on the
show oh yes yes the leaked we're gonna play this this is a leaked this is the
reasons vladimir putin
invaded the ukraine and i was against the ukraine invasion in principle until i
keep going i'm almost there
well why prepare
you know what i mean it's three o'clock in the morning we got the time we got
people breaking into
the studio persians are coming in here with kebabs i just doing arabian nights
why prepare
another three hours here all right it's all right he's you know he's been with
the dogs all day
okay so this is devon's uh video here this is not that i didn't make this this
is leaked
i just found it's audio this is why russia has invaded uh the ukraine
good evening good evening good evening good evening good evening good evening
good evening good evening
good evening good evening good evening good evening good evening good evening
good evening good evening
good evening good evening good evening good evening good evening good evening
good evening good evening
Ukraine, we're going to be insecure.
We're going to be in the Black Lady Sketch Show Ukraine.
We're going to be in the Bel Air Ukraine.
We're going to be in the U.S.A.R.A.R.A.R.
We're going to be in the LeBron's The Shop.
We're going to be in the Russian Love Live TV.
We're going to be in the East Ray.
We're going to be in the East Ray.
We're going to be in the U.S.A.R.A.R.A.R.A.R.
You got to watch it, folks.
If you are just listening to the show, you got to watch that as well.
And now, of course, people actually...
This is when you learn the intellect of the American public.
Yeah, it's truly terrifying.
People thought it was real.
Like 50% of people legitimately still think it's real.
I'm still getting messages.
Like, Putin doesn't give a fuck about BLM.
Yeah, I doubt it.
One of my favorite ones is the guy goes,
If this is Putin, we're in real trouble.
It sounds like he's lost his mind.
If this is Putin, we got a lot of problems on our hands.
Because he seems unwell.
How did you do Russian that well?
It sounds like Russian.
I guess.
I mean, I say bala-la-bala at one point.
But I just looked up how to say hello and goodbye.
And it all takes forever just to say one word in Russian.
And then, you know, you just add Issa Rae.
Let's do a Ukraine war report.
Where is the Ukraine right now?
In terms of...
We have the Russians who've advanced.
They've done horrible things in Maripol.
They're targeting civilians.
You know, now they're saying it's a stalemate.
The media keeps doing this.
By the way, is the media helping the Ukraine?
The media keeps going, the Russians are losing.
The next day, a city gets burned to the ground.
Can the media stop running articles that say, like, Putin's hitting a stalemate?
Immediately after that happens, they just start shelling civilian centers.
How about telling him he's winning?
How about the media writing an article saying, it's over.
You've done a great job.
Like, this isn't working.
This idea of just telling this guy he's losing every five...
Like, if I was in a Ukraine, I'd go, tell him it's good.
He's...
They're winning.
I know.
Tell him that he doesn't have to try so hard.
This isn't exactly the best strategy here.
It's keep telling the guy he's...
And now we're pushing this coup angle.
We're saying that there's a coup that...
And Mark Gagliotti, who doesn't return my messages anymore,
but is a really great journalist about Russia,
and other people have said that Putin is relatively coup-proof.
He's pretty...
He's done a pretty good job of insulating himself.
He monitors everybody around him,
and he's, you know, relatively somewhat, you know, as invulnerable as you can
be,
even though there's always a chance.
There's a shot.
But now they're saying there's a coup,
and that the oligarchs are unhappy because they're losing money,
and the new guy is going to be the guy who's the head of the FSB right now.
And I forget his name,
but they're saying there's a new guy that the oligarchs in Russia are tapping
to replace Vladimir Putin.
Viktor Yanukovych?
Nope.
That's not it, Ben.
Okay, let me try again.
Swing and a miss from producer extraordinaire...
Man.
Ben Avery.
Swing and a miss.
It wasn't the Surge guy either, right?
It's not Shogu.
Sergei Shogu.
Shout out to Shogu.
Shogu's been an early supporter of the show.
Ironic that we're in the position we are at now.
Of course, this has been every article.
It's the head of the Russian FSB now.
We could just Google that.
We could Google head of the Russian FSB.
There it is, Alexander Bortnikov.
He is a Russian intelligence officer who has served as a director of the
Federal Security Service
since May 12, 2008.
They're now saying that the oligarchs are mad they're going to throw Putin out
and install Bortnikov.
Now, obviously, this is probably just maybe some propaganda that we're throwing
out there
to, you know, insert a little, you know, distrust in the Putin circle, whatever
it is.
This is from what publication?
This is from the Tribune in India.
The Tribune in India.
But it's been, they've run it a bunch of places.
Group of Russian elite plans to assassinate Putin by poison claims Ukrainian
intelligence.
So Ukrainian intelligence claims that there's a plot right now to get rid of
Putin
and then replace him with the head of the FSB who will restore economic ties
with the West.
That is, you know, I don't know if that's true or not, but that's Ukrainian
intelligence saying that.
Bring this up.
Zelensky, they're saying his green shirt has become a symbol of defiance.
Zelensky's green shirt.
This is the New York Times, by the way.
This isn't, this isn't like a blog written by a student at Columbia University.
It's the man in the olive tree, how President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine
transformed the meaning of a piece of cotton.
Oh, God.
In the beginning, it was just a t-shirt, basic olive green, the kind worn under
military fatigues or hauled out from the bottom of a wardrobe for workouts and
weekends.
Sometimes it was more brown than green.
Sometimes it was a cross over the heart with a coat of arms in the center.
But over the last four weeks, as the Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky has
shed his former Navy suits, white shirts and ties,
the uniform of the politician for the t-shirt, wearing it in his daily videos
to his country, in his speeches to the European Parliament, to the British
Parliament, to the American Congress, in his interviews over the weekend with
CNN.
Blah, blah, blah.
A Zoom call with Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.
I mean, what is happenin