Name: #293 - Fat Activism with Jessica Kirson | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-04-03T01:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#293 - Fat Activism with Jessica Kirson | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#293 - Fat Activism with Jessica Kirson | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-03. Transcript available.

#293 - Fat Activism with Jessica Kirson | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the, I have gray in my hair, I gotta stop, I
gotta, I went to the
hairstylist today to get the gray out and I walked in and just immediately left
because I could see
that it was gonna be a horror and I, like West Hollywood salons or it's like a
lot of very peppy
gay men and very like brain dead women and gay men, it's like that unholy
alliance of gay men
and very stupid women and everyone's very perky and I just said I can't even do
this so, but I'm
taping a special on Saturday and I want to, I want to look like I'm 17 years
old so I want to get
some of the gray out because I have nice hair but it's gray, it becomes a
problem. You have a great
head of hair. It's all I have, it doesn't matter, you know what I mean, it has
no effect, it's like
I have nice eyes, you know what I mean? You do. Yeah, great. You're a handsome
guy. That's lovely.
You are. I do well with older women and lesbians. I find myself attracted to
you which is weird. Yes,
I know and you know, Maureen at True TV always wanted to fuck, you know, and
you know, it's always
like, you know, it's always like, ah, okay, I'm good. Jessica Kirsten is the
funniest woman in America,
Jessica. I really believe that. Oh, that's so nice. Everyone, Rogan and me, we
all talk about it, you are
and we just, so you destroy at the Laugh Factory, you destroy everywhere you go.
If you're not following
Jessica, you should. It's at Jessica Kirsten on Twitter. It's very fucking
simple. It's very easy
and she's on the road all the time. You're on the road and we were just talking
about the hell that
the road is. It's horrific. Yeah. It's a nightmare. It's a fucking, I mean, it's
why I do it because
I'm a miserable fucking person. So it's very familiar for me. It's, it's a, you
get into a
good rhythm. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't think I'd be okay if I, if I wasn't
doing that because
it would be just boring. Well, it's also, we're addicts and addicts love like a,
like a depressing
hotel. Oh yeah. Horrible coffee. It tastes like urine or ass juice. Urines
actually would
taste better than what the coffee tastes like. Yeah. There's something about a
nice depressing
and there's something about standing on the side of the road and just watching
cars pass
by. Yeah. That there's something soothing about that to people that are very
fucked up. And
like you said to me, how many bags do I bring? Cause I'm going away for a month.
I'm like,
I don't bring any. I just go to the, the DXL, the fat store and I buy three
black 3XL shirts
and sometimes I just throw them out. I just picture you like just throwing them
just on the street.
No, I look like a terrorist when I get on the plane. Cause I have nothing.
I mean, I have nothing and I look like a guy that's on the brink of something.
So
they kind of size me up. They literally sometimes will go, that's all you're
bringing. I go,
yeah. And then I just have to drive in the fat store. DXL is always 30 to 40
minutes out
of a city because they're ashamed of it as they should be. So they put it so
far out into
the suburbs. You have to drive 30 minutes. It's not even in the suburbs in
something called
the exurbs, which is like 45 minutes out. That's the new term for it where it's
so far
out that you have to, uh, keep driving past all the Paneras and, uh, you know,
and then
you get there finally and you get the three shirts and then you wear them and
you throw them
out or you bring them back or whatever.
What if you're in like Europe or something? Do they have like fat stores?
Let me tell you right now, I will wear one outfit. Like I don't know what to do.
No,
I'm going to have to pack for Europe, but the thing has to pack for Europe. I'm
not going to be home
before Europe. So I have to buy clothing and luggage. Well, they might have
like a bed,
bath and beyond. You can get like curtains or something. Yeah. No, I, I'm going
to go to Europe and
I will, I will not be able to purchase anything. Yeah. So I have to then like
cover myself. You've been doing comedy a bit, a long time. Yeah. I started in
99. So I've been
in this nightmare of a situation, uh, for 23 years.
When you started, was it, were people smoking in comedy clubs? Was it that type
of environment? What
kind of environment was it? No, but they weren't smoking, but they were
laughing and you could say
anything you wanted. I was, I started during that time. That time. Yeah. When
it was, you were free to say
whatever you wanted. Yeah. People came to laugh. Yeah. And they didn't think
about every joke.
Right. Now they analyze. Yeah. Now I say something and there's this moment of
like,
is it okay to laugh at that? Right. So yeah. But you see what I do. I just plow
through it.
You don't care. You either laugh or you don't, you know,
That's why everybody respects you is you just don't give a fuck.
What the fuck? Um, I, I do a little bit, but I, I, I don't, I just have to just
do it. And it's like,
whatever happens happens. You gotta just go. I'm barely functioning. So I, I
now go up and play.
Sometimes I obviously I go up in rooms where they know, people don't know me. I've
had the luxury of
going up in a lot of rooms where people know me now because they come to see me.
It's so much more fun. And then I go out and I say something and then there's
like a soccer mom
who's like, you know what I mean? And who thinks she's an environmentalist
cause she has a Tesla.
Nevermind where that lithium ion comes from, whatever, who cares? Uh, but they,
they, they make the face.
They cut, you know, they do the whole thing and it's like, and I'm not even
attracted to women.
So for me, I have no, you know, it, it, there's nothing there. I go, we're on a
bad date
and it's, it will end soon enough and then we'll just be done with it. Yeah.
You know?
Yeah. It's, I mean, people have completely lost their minds. We were just
talking about that,
especially here in LA. It's, I mean, we're both sober and I feel like I've
taken 70 drugs,
things that aren't even, I don't know what's going on.
Yeah. Well, people here in LA will say they're sober, but they do all of the
drugs.
They're on crack. I said that to you. Like people will say, I'm, I'm California
sober. I'm
like, you're on crystal meth. Yeah. You're literally just shot up.
People will tell you they do shrooms and none of the people doing shrooms are
having any of the
revelations you'd hope they'd have. Yeah.
Like none of these people are like progressing in any area of their life.
No.
They're taking shrooms are going to Joshua tree. They're sitting out under the
stars.
Yeah.
And I don't know what's happening. I don't know if they're taking DMT and the
aliens are appearing.
I don't know if they're arguing with the aliens or the aliens like, here's the
way it is.
And they're like, well, actually, I don't know what's going on, but none of it
is, uh,
uh, were you ever tempted to be like, oh, I can be sober, but do psychedelics?
No, I think to me being sober is sober. I can't do anything because it always
leads to other,
if I start smoking pot, I'm going to suck a guy's cock on the street corner.
And like,
you know, I mean, and I'm gay. Like it's not, this is not good. I can't do
anything. It's not a
good situation. No matter what, I can't do anything, but there's struggles to
struggles or food,
everything. Everything's a struggle. I'll do anything. I'm a garbage can. I'm
out of my mind.
Everything's a struggle. Yeah. When did you get sober? I mean, I've been in and
out for years,
you know, but there's been times when I've had, you know, six years at a time,
eight years at a time.
But again, anytime I thought I could do a little something. And what usually
gets you? Like,
what's the thing that- Pot. So that's why I'm saying like people that say I'm
sober.
I've done that with cigarettes. I've quit cigarettes 30 to 40 times in my life.
Really? Yeah. I was, I was six years off them once.
Yeah. Yeah. But cigarettes are tough. It's very tough. It's brutality. Yeah.
And they're not even
fun. Here's the thing about cigarettes. They're disgusting. Yeah. They smell
bad. You feel horrible.
When you don't smoke, you feel so much better. Yeah. But it is the,
it's one of the greatest products because they can raise the price of it. They
tell you,
it kills you in 19 different ways. And no matter how long, like I used to be
five years without a
cigarette and I'd see somebody smoking a cigarette and I'd go, damn. I know.
Damn. That looks good. Everyone misses them. It's a very oral thing. It's
calming. It's tough.
That was the hardest, believe it or not, I think that was the hardest thing I
ever had to quit.
It was very hard. Very hard to quit. It was very hard. And, and, and I, and I,
I don't know. Thank God. Now I, I, I don't do it, but I know. I'm really proud
of you. I'm proud of
you for quitting. I have said to people in LA, I don't smoke cigarettes anymore
while smoking a
cigarette. And they've looked at me and went, good job, man. Yeah. Because they're
so self-involved.
They're not even noticing that you're smoking. Right. Disgusting.
That's kind of the benefit of living here. You lie to each other's faces and
everyone believes it.
Yeah. Yeah. You can say, I don't drink anymore while you're downing a beer and
people are like,
that's great. So happy.
I could face fuck myself with like a donut and be like, I don't eat sugar. And
they're like,
that's great. With like powder all over my face. No one listens to anyone here.
It's not,
they're not even. Nobody's even paying attention. What do you think makes us
addicts?
Well, I, I, I don't know. Is it nature? Is it nurture?
I think it's, I think it's a lot of things. I mean, I, I, I don't know. I don't
know if I was born
this way. I mean, I'm from a family of food addicts. So I, you know, I'm from
drunks. I'm
Irish Catholic. We're from drunks. We're from repressed sexuality. I have an
aunt who, you know,
it's never been with a man and she wears men's shoes and you know what I mean?
Not because she's a
lesbian because they're more comfortable, you know, and you know, and she wears
a strap on like a
special friend in college. They were very close. So it's like, men's shoes is
my favorite. Yeah,
no, I mean, she, she, she walks around the house, like storming around and like
men's shoes.
So it's, it's, this is, we come from these places that have, my mother's a
schizophrenic,
you know, and you know, but now the country has caught up to her. Like we
locked her up 20 years
ago, but now everyone is kind of saying what she said for years. So it's like,
I talk to regular
people and they say things similar to what my mother has said. Cause the
country has now become kind of
schizophrenic too. It is totally. So we should let her out. You should let her
out. She'll be fine.
Just send her to the Capitol and buy her a fucking Viking hat. Send her in
there.
She'll shit on the desk and it'll be totally normal.
Yeah.
What, what is your, cause a lot of people call me and they go,
well not call me, but they message me and they go, what is the best way to get
sober? I did AA for a
while. I should go to more meetings. I don't really go to too many meetings.
Uh, what is the best way in your estimation to change your life from sub, from
being a drug addict
or an alcoholic or a food addict or whatever to being sober?
Kill yourself.
No, I hate
jump in front of a car. No, this is honestly,
I hate, it's a hard question. I hate saying this because it's annoying, but the
program is the only
way that it really is the only way. And I, I'm a child of a therapist. Uh, I've
been to every
single therapy, every fucking therapist done everything. And it always comes
back to that.
It's the only way, um, for me that that's worked. No, you're right. And I also
think, you know, uh,
being honest and working with other alcoholics and helping people and getting
out of my own head,
cause I'm a selfish motherfucker. Um, it's a lot of things, but, but working
the program and working
the steps has been the 