Name: #294 - One Hyde Park | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-04-10T01:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#294 - One Hyde Park | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#294 - One Hyde Park | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-10. Transcript available.

#294 - One Hyde Park | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dylan show here from london across the
pond with ben
avery our producer who flew in for what 48 hours yeah about that what a champ
what a champ
that you would come all the way from your home in california i flew you what
business business
class business class all the way to london and uh you've just been on vacation
for two days you've
had an amazing you've had an amazing time that you haven't had to do much you
edited a patreon episode
you told everyone at dinner you cut your own hair like we should be impressed
you just trotted that
out like some type of you know accomplishment you cut your own hair uh but it's
lovely now you know
we're on the uh we're on the eve of returning to the dump that we live in and i'm
not really thrilled
yeah i'm really you know i i i could make a go of it here there's an ashtray on
the thing i'm covered
how about you worry about you worry about the sound levels uh i could make a go
of it here man i'm kind
of bummed to leave i mean you know as we're here the country of origin our
country of origin is just
it's a deeply schizophrenic place there's a real darkness there that can only
be truly appreciated
when you leave now i'm sure this place would get boring after a while because
you know
i don't know it lacks some of that but for right now for the moment i mean i
just i'm kind of dreading
going back to america the food here is good like you don't feel like you're
dying when you eat
they don't have sugar in everything they don't have like plastics in the bread
like the just hormones the gmos the manipulated that we eat you know they got
fast food here they put it
all on like one street it's not every five feet things aren't open at 2 a.m to
get a full meal
the lifts are smaller which is elevator for you american scumbags you don't
know what i'm talking about
the streets are smaller i mean you know you just it's it's uh being fat is not
really tolerated
it's not tolerated and it it you get it there's no big and tall stores there's
none of that you can't
get anything i mean it's like we drove an hour to some store i thought it'd be
like a dxl it was called bad
rhino think of that it was called bad rhino and it was not even a full store it
was just like a few shirts
in a fat women's store in a shitty mall an hour and a half out of london they
and i get it they're like
let's not celebrate that you know i mean i i'm completely for that by the way
they're like let's
not make it easy we don't want it to be they had a dxl here an american fat
store they closed it down
because you know like it's not permitted and if you go further into europe like
paris or something
i mean or if you go to scandinavia god help you but i mean we're staying at the
mandarin oriental
which is one of the greatest hotels in the world if not the greatest it's
absolutely stunning and the
uh building next to us is the the famed one hyde park where you know it's the
most expensive
residential building in the world the penthouse is on the market right now for
200 i believe 296
million pounds and i might make an offer i don't know i don't know if i will or
not
uh but you know it's a building full of russian oligarchs and you know uh i i
believe maybe
the candy brothers who developed it they might be in business with the qataris
i think and um
it's just lovely it's just lovely and nobody's there nobody's ever home and
there's very few lights
on um because the best neighbors are not home i mean that's something that you
know people don't
realize but that's why in all these really rich areas you know you have a great
situation because
the best neighbors are always off somewhere doing a genocide like they're not
they're not home they're
not there to complain you know you don't have awkward run-ins with them outside
you don't have to
suffer through small talk with people who are driving past you in their lamborghini
to go into a
bulletproof glass garage all of their mail is getting sent through an x-ray
machine they're being
guarded by the equivalent of british special forces none of those people oddly
enough want to tell you
what they think about everything but i've lived in lots of areas where people
cannot get enough of your time
what's nice about russian oligarchs uh sheiks people from the united arab emirates
uh chinese amusement park
tycoons people uh russian gangsters in the fertilizer business indian mining
magnets you know uh brazilian
uh uh mining magnets maybe it's brazil that has the mines i i don't know but
like you know what's
really nice about them is they really keep their opinions to themselves they
are a lesson they don't
even want you to know that they are your neighbor what a lovely idea now there's
a premium to live in a
building like that there's one flat on sale flat means apartment for you
american uh non-healthcare having
scum suckers that i have to see tomorrow but uh flat is a in an apartment and
there's one flat on sale for
five million don't think i didn't call my business manager we can't do it it's
it's too out of range
but um and then the next one up is 17 million but that is the premium that you
pay that is the premium
that you pay to live in a building where people don't want you to know they
also live there could
there be a better arrangement seriously could there be a better arrangement in
life than living in a
essentially a hotel for uh billionaire criminals they keep to themselves they
don't bother you they
don't they don't oh what oh what do you think about the game huh what do you
think about these uh trans
kids in the schools they don't get into that right from the lambo to the
apartment that's it
they're not just going off on whatever the issue of the day is they don't get
on a soapbox they're
not trying to be heard they're not getting you in the hallway did you see tucker
you know what they're doing
now is they're making kids transition in gym class see you can get away from
all that i mean that is the
answer it is the only answer and you know people are gonna get mad at me again
they're gonna go
well how am i supposed to live in one high part well that's not my problem i
can't manage your life i can't
even live there i'm just saying as as things go as goals go it's a much better
situation for someone
like me who's just a little tired of people's opinions i'm a little tired of
the unsolicited
opinions of friends neighbors family co-workers uh you know i i am now seeing
the value uh in the type of
privacy that can only be attained uh by living uh with dictators who have a
healthy degree of paranoia
because many people want revenge on them for the things they've done it's a
nice place to live it's
a lovely and then you know i like the guy from the spectator who came to the
thing he's very sweet but
you know he's shitting on one hyde park and that guy lives in what putney or scumsbury
hey shut up
like what are you talking he's like oh you can't live there oh knightsbridge
why would you want to
live there hey hey shut up and i like him but let's get real if i come to london
and i may this is the
only spot for me i can't live anywhere else harrods is such a great fucking
store i don't fit in anything
i went to christian dior and i said i'll spend any amount of money do you have
a 3x and she said she
did let me tell you right now the 3x would not have fit you i went into the
dressing room with the 3x
it was like i mean putting that on it was like i was on ayahuasca shapes were
changing i couldn't get
my bearings i'd stepped into another realm i felt like i was on it i didn't
know my hands looked bigger
and smaller i was trying to fit into this 3x and it was mortifying and it was
terrible i could because
you know the uk it's different than america it's very different the sizes here
and finally i came out
and of course i didn't come out wearing it because i would have looked absurd i
came out and i was like
oh you only have a navy blue i wanted it in brown and she's like we don't have
it in brown i'm like
thank god and i just ran out of there but our agent likes harrods which is
interesting because he's
plus size and i wouldn't think he'd like harrods but then you go they have
three food courts in harrods
so i go oh they're also selling ribeyes and sticky toffee pudding so i get why
he likes it
but you know i mean this is just a place for me i've i've had enough ben's
watched the masters for
the last 10 hours uh you know it's it's uh it's a lovely place to be you know
and then uh you know
then you just keep checking twitter in america and everybody's fighting about
uh disney you know
people just screaming there's people outside of disney with the ten
commandments
so you know again i just i i i think i want to get citizenship somewhere out no
i'm dead serious
i want to get citizenship somewhere i don't think it works out and i kind of
don't want to be a part of
it anymore whatever it is on both sides on the side where it's like they think
every teacher's a groomer
trying to their fat children and on the other side of like we should let three-year-olds
uh you know cut their dicks off in the middle of math on both uh on both sides
i can no longer
participate in my country i really don't even want to it's become an
embarrassment to live there
um it's become an embarrassment to live in a country where uh many of our major
streets are lined
with tents that people live in but all of the uh all of the headlines are about
when hotels are going
to open in space everyone's getting into watches right now i love them you know
why because they're
great they tell the time they i mean watches are and they're also it it tells
somebody about you and
what you value it's it's a beautiful thing to do vincero is a premium lifestyle
brand in san diego
carrying incredible eyewear watches and much more if you don't know them yet
there's no better time to
check them out than now they just released the argo automatic a collector
quality dive watch you need
to check out which is awesome for all the socal people wherever you are that
like to dive and surf and
everything it's great they create exceptionally crafted ethically made products
for today's most ambitious
people modern pieces that elevate your look and stand the test of time they're
adamant about the process
they design everything in house they source their own materials produce in
small batches and ship
right to you and they're really they're affordable i mean this is you know the
argo named after the
mythological greek ship crafted by the gods perfect blend form function style
utility high
powered citizen myota 901 automatic movement fluted unidirectional rotating
bezel swiss loom hands divers
claps come on man i love argo it's an amazing watch i mean you gotta do it it's
great check them
out at vincero collective dot com forward slash tim dylan that's vincero
collective dot com forward
slash tim dylan they support the podcast that you know and love and it's great
to buy a watch i'm
telling you you go to vincero collective forward slash tim dylan and check out
this new watch the
argo automatic it's collector quality it's beautiful have do you do you and
this watch i have a venturo
and what about it it's the most beautiful watch i've ever owned it's of course
and and i i want and so what is this promotion here vincero was offering a
special 20 and free shipping
to our listeners with code tim dylan support our show and check them out vincerocollective.com
forward slash tim dylan 20 off and free shipping have they lost their minds
well they haven't because
they know that it's such a great product it's become embarrassing and i know elon
just bought
he's the largest shareholder in twitter tell us about that about 11 it's big
news
because elon what happened to the tunnel he was building between what happened
to the tunnels
has he given up on the tunnels remember when i was on rogan and we were talking
about these
magical tunnels the elon musk why don't you build a tunnel under austin 