Name: #295 - A Serene Retreat | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-04-24T01:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#295 - A Serene Retreat | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#295 - A Serene Retreat | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-24. Transcript available.

#295 - A Serene Retreat | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We apologize for not doing an episode last week for Easter.
And again, I'm not blaming Ben, I don't put it on Ben,
but Ben does a thing every year with his family
where they do like a recreation of Easter
where they recreate the resurrection of Christ
and it was Ben's turn this year to kind of go down and be Christ
and his mother said, even though you work for Jews,
I want you to come down.
She thinks I'm Jewish.
The woman thinks I'm Jewish just because I have a mortgage.
And she said, you just have to play Jesus this year
and they do a whole thing in the yard and they speak in tongues
and they don't have the money to really recreate a cave.
So Ben just emerges from a shed in the back of the yard
and they start chanting.
And so we didn't want to ruin that because it's a family ritual.
And you know, I'm not close with my family,
so I can't really judge other people that are, you know?
So when Ben, you know, and I've known of this
and he's talked to me about it
and he said, I have to go down.
It's my chance to be Jesus.
Now, last year, his sister was going to be Jesus.
She fell asleep in the shed because she was drunk
and people's faith was literally being tested.
They're banging on the shed.
Get up, you drunk.
Get up, you whore.
She forgot she was even in an Easter pageant
or whatever you want to call this.
So she grabs a gun and runs out of the shed firing wildly.
They wanted to avoid that this year
by having Ben go back, sleepy little Ben,
with his little leather boots he wears now
because he's paid.
And they wanted little leather boot Ben
to walk out calmly and serenely out of the shed
pretending to be Jesus so they could all chant
and then eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
or whatever they eat.
It doesn't matter.
So that's why we didn't have an episode.
If you want to know the truth, that's the fact.
We're here in Austin, Texas,
which has had two days of sun in the last 20 days
and we'll have three days of sun in the next 15 days.
This is the climate.
And everyone here that you talk to, of course,
has Stockholm Syndrome.
And before you even bring it up,
they go, yeah, it's never rained this much.
It's never rained before.
And it's just, I've now been here on and off
for over a year and all it does is rain.
All it does is rain.
And, you know, so we're thinking I got a house here.
I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
And I've been a little depressed.
Because I, you know, we finished it.
Me and Ben, like the property brothers,
did a really good job.
Ben, don't you think we did a great job?
I think we did an amazing job.
We did an amazing job renovating this home.
We did a kitchen, a bathroom, did the living room.
We chose all of the finishes.
We excelled at home renovation.
It was kind of like, now obviously we're not going to flip it
because, you know, you know, you got to wait, right?
The market's not great.
Rates are going up.
And there's nothing for us to do here at the moment.
Joe Rogan is opening a comedy club.
That's, that'll be fun when that happens.
But nothing is happening tomorrow.
And I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm not going to live here, really.
I mean, I'm on the road a lot.
But I think, and this is probably the best outcome for this.
We are going to open up an Airbnb for pigs.
The type of people that visit Austin, Texas.
Pig women that want to get drunk and get stuffed with pulled pork
or a half-flaccid cock in the backyard of my fucking house.
We are going to get one of those barrel hot tubs.
Put it in the back.
We're going to get a few of those live, laugh, love signs.
And, you know, like, you know, I love eating good or whatever the hell.
We'll put it on the kitchen, like, or just a big sign that says eat.
And these women are going to flock here for their bachelorette parties
because it's 20 minutes from the shit wineries of Texas
where if you like drinking vinegar and the worst wine ever,
you can go to the shit wine tour of the Texas Hill Country.
And many piglets who are about to get married come and say,
let's do one last weekend of freedom.
And you know what freedom means?
Brisket nachos.
That's what freedom means to the ladies.
Brisket nachos.
It doesn't mean freedom to be an entrepreneur.
It means freedom to shove your mouth full of queso
and drink and fall down in the yard.
And we are going to provide them that opportunity.
We are going all in.
We might do a thing where, like, you bob for apples in the fall
and they can take their fat, drunk faces and dunk them in the tank.
How about a dunk tank where you throw something
and then if you hit the target, they fall into the water.
I got a pool.
It's perfect.
I mean, it's a perfect because I can't sell.
So, and we've improved the property.
Is there any flaw in my logic here?
There is a steady stream of disgusting humanoids that come down here
to live out some fantasy.
They go into Austin.
They blow coke up their nose.
They give their valves a real fucking run for the money.
They go down there.
They fucking listen to some heroin addicts scream at the top of his lungs
while he clumsily plays a guitar with hands better suited to hitting his wife.
Why not provide them a place of peace and tranquility?
Two acres, three bedrooms, three baths, newly renovated, big fridge, guest
house.
Guest house, going to be renovated, one bedroom, one bath, 750 square foot
guest house,
2,300 square foot main house, two acres of Texas Hill Country greenery, pool.
That's right.
Get fucked up.
Drink some hard cider and get in that pool, piglet.
It's worth the money.
That's what we're going to do.
Now, I've been kicked off Airbnb.
So, we're going to have to do it maybe in my fat assistant's name.
And she will know what these women want.
She will know what these beasts want.
What do these beasts want?
She'll know.
She'll get it.
She'll immediately be able to, she's a consultant.
We'll make her a consultant where she can come in and tell me,
here is what the modern pig wants when she's on her bachelorette party.
This is what she needs.
She needs, I think we got to make it fun for them.
There needs to be more activities in the backyard, you know?
More like carnival games for them.
What about like a big tic-tac-toe?
You know, something like that.
Because they are beasts and they are of limited, you know, obviously they're
completely uncultured.
And their mental capacity is, shall we say, diminished.
That being said, they would like simple games for them to play, right?
Games that fat women could excel at.
Like something that fat women really like to do.
Now the kitchen is not that big.
This is a problem.
So we're going to imagine that there's not going to be a ton of cooking done,
right?
So we got to make sure that like there's ample opportunity for them to store
things they will later eat.
Because they're not going to be, I mean, these are not the types of women that
go in and go like,
let's cook some salmon, right?
They don't do that.
These are the types of women.
I mean, listen, and I'm not even trying to be disrespectful.
Is it completely inappropriate to have a trough?
To have a trough where these pig women can get on their knees.
Give them knee pads.
We don't want them to, their knees already work hard.
Give them knee pads.
They can get on their knees and put their faces in the trough.
Because you remember, it's one weekend before they get married and change this
behavior completely.
You see, because after they get married, they're going to, you know,
they're going to get on the Peloton and start reading books.
But just give them one more weekend of fat fucking pleasure.
One more weekend.
And they all want to meet guys.
You know, they want to have a nice story.
Maybe not the bride.
Let's hope she's classy enough to keep a cock out of her mouth a couple of
nights before she gets married, right?
But maybe not.
But her fat friends are going to want some freshman at UT to fucking pork them
or something, which I completely relate to.
And they're going to want.
But I'm rich and have a little bit of fame.
So sometimes that comes a bit easier to me.
But they're going to do what they're going to do, right?
They're going to get drunk.
And around 3 a.m.
They're going to find some guy at a bar and rape them.
Because it is socially acceptable.
And it's getting back.
And he's not going to care.
It's going to be fun for him.
And it's a story.
And so what?
And I'm just driving around.
And we're looking at all these deer.
There's so many fucking deer.
And these piglets, they're going to want to get fucked.
And my only issue with doing the Airbnb is that the cleaning crew that I'm
going to have to employ is going to be like the same people who cleaned up Gitmo
after the torture.
You know, like after the torture sessions when they came in to, like, wipe the
sweat and blood off the floor.
And I'm going to have to hire the same people to come in here after one of
these pinatas was blown up by some old drunk dad who she kidnapped at 3 a.m. in
Austin and drove him 25 minutes to my patch of dirt in Hicksville.
Who cares?
Nowhereville.
I'm just saying, Ben, am I wrong about any of this?
Or is this the direction I should head in?
The activities, you're on point.
They would love a big shuffleboard in the backyard.
That's right.
Like they have on cruise ships because you don't move much with that.
That's right.
You have a chocolate fountain that they could fill up with.
You set, when they walk in, they see the chocolate fountain and then the
chocolate they can melt next to it with marshmallows.
If, if we get a chocolate fountain for these manatees, I am telling, I'll quit,
I will make enough money that I will never have to work again.
Now, let me ask you a question.
I didn't, where would you buy a chocolate fountain?
Oh, you mean like a little one?
Yes.
They sell them.
Yes, that you plug in.
I think we need the types of ones they use at catering halls, like the big ones.
No, I think I have to spend 10 grand because we're talking five to six beasts.
I'm talking about a Chevy Suburban that's tight.
A Chevy Suburban that rides like a Prius.
Skin to skin.
Those women are going to get out.
They're going to see it.
They're going to go, oh my God, it's beautiful.
Their voices are deep.
It's beautiful, Cara.
We're so happy you're getting married.
So here's what goes on.
Tomorrow we have the wine tour.
Tonight we eat.
I've yelped four of the best barbecue restaurants in town.
I say, each one of us, maybe we should do a scavenger hunt.
Should we do a scavenger hunt for them?
They like things like that.
And we could just leave, you know, like parts of a cow around the yard.
And they could discover them and then eat them.
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