Name: #296 - Selling Moresby | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-05-02T06:08:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#296 - Selling Moresby | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#296 - Selling Moresby | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-02. Transcript available.

#296 - Selling Moresby | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dylan show our final audio only episode
ever
is that a lie but it is the the tour is over we're back in our studio
um in america soon but we're here today from the lovely city of brisbane australia
by the steve irwin zoo uh you know him the crocodile hunter who died tragically
when he was uh
what do you say harpooned or what what did he he got well it went up under his
rib cage into
his heart and they stuck him a a uh what what do i want to say here i want to
say a prey mantis but
that's not what did it there's a manta ray and then there's a stingray manta
ray or stingray which one of
the rays got steve irwin conservationist australian legend his family keeps his
name
it was uh it was a stingray barb and that was uh the great barrier reef outside
port douglas
that's where we're going yeah i know we're going right there yeah we're
extending our trip a few days
to go to see the beautiful oldest rainforest in the world right where steve irwin
uh met his untimely
tragic demise at the hands of a stingray
and his family carries on his legacy and nothing's come out about steve irwin
this isn't jimmy
savile we don't have any problems here steve irwin was a conservationist who
cared
about the animals and that's why whitney cummings my friend whitney cummings
stand-up comedian
when me and you go to a lovely open range zoo it's never enough for the animal
freaks by the way it's
never enough for these sick fox anything less than animals coming in their bed
at night and
fucking them makes them unhappy if the animals are in cages they're unhappy
which i get but if you put
the animals on a big range they don't like it either so we post a photo of me
and you feeding kangaroos
at the werribee open range zoo and whitney cummings uh animal advocate or just
you could leave off the word
advocate comments on my instagram and goes welcome to the dark side
because she her contention is that all of the animals are drugged
in those uh zoos safaris they're all drugged and they're being tortured on a
daily basis
that is her contention i don't know if that's true i don't believe that i met a
lot of people
including that guy paul that love these animals and are caring for them and are
bringing them back
from the brink of extinction and the animals didn't seem drugged i also don't
think it's morally wrong to
give them a pick me up if they wanted to pick me up how drugged is humanity i
mean if an animal needs
a little get up and go i don't see a problem with that but whitney's constantly
on the animals are on
drugs the animals are you know who i think is on drugs but the the point is
that this this uh incessant
shaming and attacking of the zoo industry,
I can't get behind.
I can't get behind it.
Not with the people that I've met
that deeply care about the animals.
From what I've observed in my five to 10 minute
interactions with these people.
In the three to four minutes
that I have spent talking to these people,
and I won't ever speak to them again.
But in those three minutes,
they did not hit an animal in front of me.
He didn't punch a koala bear.
We didn't walk in.
And the koala bears are drugged up anyway.
They eat the leaves.
They sleep 20 hours a day.
They don't care where they sleep.
Let them sleep somewhere
that's going to make a little money.
They don't care.
You leave them in the wild,
they just get torched because of that fire.
I hope that fire doesn't ruin any of this rainforest.
I hope, I got to be honest,
I don't want to see ruins here.
So I want to be,
and we're staying in a very,
and what's very important for me
when I visit a natural area is luxury.
That's the first thing,
because I don't really care about nature,
and I don't want to really be near it
in a way where it could impact me negatively in any way.
My main concern is luxury.
I want the animals, insects to know that we are the boss.
And in some of these expeditions,
like when I was younger,
I wanted to go to the Brazilian Amazon.
I've always wanted to, like, go to the Amazon River
because there are great animals.
The sloth, the anaconda, the black panther,
the bottlenose dolphin,
many parrots.
They have a great place called the Meeting of the Waters
where the Rio Negro and the Rio Salome meet.
One is the color of Nestle Quick Chocolate Milk.
The other is the color of, like, a dark brew espresso,
and I think, or maybe it's reddish.
Maybe it's more reddish.
They slam up against each other,
and because of the silt gradient in the water,
they don't mix.
It's like one of the,
I don't know if it's one of the wonders of the world.
Yeah, I'm right.
It's one of the,
I don't think it's one of the wonders of the world,
but it is an amazing thing to see,
and I've always wanted to see it.
But you need a lot of inoculations.
You need, like, 19 vaccines
because you can still get leprosy in Brazil,
which is not fun.
Also, I mean, you know,
that's why Americans aren't going to Brazil.
I mean, forget it.
I mean, look at what,
with the COVID vaccine,
that was a big, you know.
How great would it be
if just Rogan had a guy on
telling people why not to take the leprosy vaccine?
You can get over leprosy
if you're not fun.
But I always wanted to go to Brazil.
When I was younger,
I'd go, I want to go camping.
I want to do a,
I want to, you know,
but as I get older,
I realize that it is important
to be dominant
over the creatures
and the landscape.
It is.
And it's Western,
and I'm a Westerner,
and I'm unashamed of civilization.
And if you don't like civilization,
you can fuck off.
Like, all these people in Melbourne,
they put Narm or Narn
or whatever it is,
which is the original indigenous name
for the land,
and they put that in their fucking
dating app profile,
and they think that's going to fucking,
that means something.
Cut it out.
Cut it out.
I'm a Westerner.
I'm not ashamed of it.
I'm not marching into the capital,
but I'm also like,
what's important to me
on a trip
that involves nature
is that it is very that.
It involves nature.
It is not centered around nature
because nature,
like Woody Allen had a great line,
I am too with nature.
Like, for me, it's like,
you know, the woman said to me,
what kind of expeditions,
because this hotel wants to plan
the expeditions that you go on.
Are you interested in hiking?
I said, well, not really.
But we want to go to the ice cream shop,
the Daintree Creamery,
because it's famous for making ice creams
out of tropical fruits.
So I said, arrange that.
She goes, well,
I don't know if that's really an expedition.
I said, well, that's the expedition today.
So arrange that.
Get the driver
and get us in the car
to the fucking creamery.
And we'll take a river cruise
and we'll look at the crocodiles
and a few things.
And we'll do some light hiking,
maybe jump in a swimming hole.
But again,
the main goal for me here
is to be really impressed by the hotel.
Not so much the nature.
Yes, the nature is going to be breathtaking.
But the hotel is important to me.
I want to feel safe.
I want to feel cared for.
I want to know that if animals
threaten me at all,
they will be killed on the spot.
Ditto people.
I want to feel
like an American traveling abroad.
I want to feel like
I have total dominance
over the natural landscape.
I am uninterested in any spiritual.
They go, well,
it's a very spiritual area.
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
And I have no interest in that.
Yes, it is the world's oldest living rainforest.
So they say.
My main goal here
is that the room
has a private plunge pool.
Like in White Lotus.
That guy who went nuts.
I get it.
I totally get that.
But we do.
We have a private pool.
I will throw a fit
if there is not a private pool.
I do not care
how beautiful it is.
It does not matter to me.
We're going to get
the Pavilion Suite,
which is the best suite,
in the rainforest.
This is how I want to enjoy
the rainforest.
I want to enjoy it.
We have a private chef
that is doing a four-course meal.
If it is a three-course meal,
I will light acres
of that rainforest
on fire
with a Marlboro light
myself.
I am paying for luxury.
I am paying for luxury.
I do not care.
Do not sing me songs.
Do not tell me about
the old ways
of the indigenous people.
I don't care about
unlocking their secrets.
It is of no value
to me.
Unless they know
how to fucking bid
on a house
in Calabasas
and get it
and get it fucking
finally
so I stop losing out
to the Chinese,
I don't need to know
about their fucking,
you know,
how they made a,
you know,
a flute out of a log.
I have no interest.
So unless they can advise me
how to beat the Chinese
in the hills
because I keep losing,
then it's not a problem.
And again,
does this make me sound
like an offensive American?
Perhaps.
But I don't think it does.
You're much more
into this shit
than I am
with the nature
and all this shit, right?
I want to see
that little baby monkey.
Oh, cut the shit.
You like the koalas.
I wanted to see the koalas.
You said koalas suck.
They do suck.
They're not showmen.
Animals are supposed
to jump up and down
and throw balls
and ride jet skis
and we're paying money
the things of sleep.
What if I slept
on a stage for an hour?
They'd be a riot.
The koalas are not funny.
They're not interesting.
They have no personality.
They're cute.
They're like actors
that are just hot
and they have jobs
because they're hot.
People like the koalas.
They're cuddly.
They are vicious,
nasty animals.
They're ungrateful.
People move them
off the roads
to not get killed
and what do they do?
They make that disgusting sound.
They go,
ooh, ooh, ooh.
They are ungrateful animals.
Fuck them.
Get them out of here.
Yeah.
They're cute.
You like little cute animals.
I like animals
that have careers
that put on a show.
You wanted to see
the kangaroo
much more than I did.
I like the kangaroo
that does things.
It punches people.
It hops.
It does things.
The koala does nothing.
The guy, like,
scratches its back.
It turns around.
It gives us
a brief look.
We take a photo.
That's 50 bucks.
I could have uploaded that.
I could have copied
and pasted that.
I didn't have to drive there.
But you really like
little cute animals
and seeing things.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean,
by the way,
you briefly mentioned
we're going to get
in a swimming hole
in the rainforest.
There's a swimming hole, yes.
Is it safe?
I would imagine
there's no crocs
in a swimming hole.
There's no snakes
and stuff up there?
Well, I don't know about that.
But I assume the snakes
that are there
work for the resort.
Good.
The animals should be
working for the resort.
I want...
This is a resort experience.
I'm not backpacking
through the rainforest
to commune
with the ancient spirits.
I have no interest in that.
If the scrambled eggs
aren't fluffy,
I'm going to be loud.
I'm going to...
Santal is coming.
We're going to smoke.
We're not going to partake
in any physical
strenuous activity
if it bothers us
even to the slightest degree.
Oh, walk up that hill
you get to see a view.
Fuck off.
You do it
and take a photo of it.
Show it to me
on your iPhone.
The swimming hole
Mossman Gorge
I imagine is safe.
I believe it's safe.
I mean,
we already died
once here
in a fucking riptide.
I know.
So,
a swimming hole,
it's a nice little hole
in the water
where we will sit
and probably smoke cigarettes
and look at the wildlife.
and if the...
And I would like if...
And again,
again,
if this was like
an island of Dr. Moreau's
situation
where I put on
a white jacket
and I have like
a device
where if the animals
get too close,
they have little collars
around their neck
and I shock them
and they could say,
that wouldn't be
the worst thing
in the world.
I like that
if there was a midget
playing a piano.
Everyone hates that movie
but I don't.
That to me
is a fun vacation
but we must feel
at all times superior
to this ancient wisdom
that really adds up
to nothing
and if it added up
to anything,
they would have figured out
how to make a bridge.
It's what it is.
This is a western show today.
I am proud of cities.
I am proud of dating apps.
I am prou