Name: Tim Dillon vs The New York Post
Uploaded: 2022-05-25T05:54:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon vs The New York Post' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon vs The New York Post' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-25. Transcript available.

Tim Dillon vs The New York Post

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a special edition of The Tim Dillon Show.
I don't usually do this, but I have my attorney on Skype with me right now
because this is a legal matter.
I am being defamed and slandered by the New York Post.
My attorney, Ray Kump, please, because this is, you know,
it's not a legal proceeding, but it's not not a legal proceeding.
Please state your name and your law firm for the record.
This is Raymond Gerard Kump.
I represent Wolf Spool Legal Proceedings.
It's a firm out of Delaware.
And I want it to be known that we will be seeking every legal remedy in this
heinous,
egregious affront of the truth.
I am in contact with The Hague, also private contractors.
This is an affront to your livelihood, to the basic tenants of, I also, am I
getting paid for this as a lawyer?
I need to retain it.
Here's the deal.
We want to catch everybody up to speed on this.
Ben, can you, is your iPad going to lock up every five minutes, five seconds?
The New York Post just wrote an article about a house I bought in the Hamptons.
It is stemmed to stern, completely all lies and fabrications.
Literally.
I mean, we're kidding.
Ray's not really a lawyer.
But.
Not yet.
That's true.
That being said, this article is all lies, Ray.
All of it.
There's not, there's not, almost not a single truth.
You, you couldn't, if you were trying to create this information.
Yes.
You wouldn't have this many lies in it.
I don't know what purpose it serves to lie.
I just hate lying like this.
It's stupid.
It says, comedian Tim Dillon slaps down $4 million for a Hamptons spread.
That is a headline of an article in the New York Post written by Jennifer Gould.
The house was listed for $2.6 million.
I bought the house for $2.55 million around there.
There is, there's just.
Trump change.
I did not slap, no, it's a good amount of money, but I did not slap down $4
million.
That's a lie.
Well, you know what they're, you know what they're doing there.
I don't know what they're doing.
They're, they're, they're, they're alluding to your cock.
They're saying like, you slapped it.
I'm like, you're some fucking me too scumbag.
That I have a four, that I have a four inch cock I'm slapping around at the Hamptons.
But it's, by the way, this is the title of the article.
It's the headline.
The headline is, comedian Tim Dillon slaps down $4 million.
So let's take this line by line.
Don't be surprised if you spot comedian podcast king, which again, stop.
There's only one podcast king.
We know who it is.
Mark Maron.
Now, kidding.
It's, um, Adam Carolla.
Kidding again.
It's Ray.
Um, this is gross.
They compare me, uh, air to counter-cultural greats like George Carlin.
No one has ever said that.
The only thing is that I talk about society.
So does he.
He's the greatest.
Well, I mean, George Carlin did on his deathbed kind of confer to you, like,
you know.
Right.
It was a responsibility for, like, the movement.
George Carlin would have loved houses in the Hamptons.
That was his whole big thing.
Right?
Real estate.
Um, recently closed on a $3.9 million Southampton home.
Lie.
Down from his $4.5 million asking price.
Lie.
This is all lie.
It's insane to me.
The house is $2.5 million.
It's insane to lie about this.
It, they then say.
Also, just in time for Memorial Day.
Yeah, he goes, he owns homes in Beverly Hills in Austin, Texas.
I do not own a house in Beverly Hills.
Right.
That's crazy.
I don't own it.
I would love to.
I don't have $25 million.
That is a lie.
I do not own a home in Beverly Hills.
I do own a home in Austin.
Next on his list is Manhattan.
That is not true.
I have no plans to buy anything in Manhattan, probably ever.
You have told me on multiple occasions the method of which you would kill
yourself before you lived in
Manhattan.
Yes.
I'm not going back to Manhattan.
It also says that it's crazy.
They go, he completed a whirlwind comedy tour from France to Italy to all the
major cities in Australia.
I have not ever performed comedy in France or Italy.
That was not on the tour at all.
Like that, it's completely untrue.
This article is basically Mad Libs.
It's Mad Libs.
It's just fill in the blank.
It's, he's slapping four millions of dollars that I don't have.
He owns homes in Beverly Hills.
It's a complete lie.
It's trying to make me sound better, but it's all lies and fabrications.
I mean, where is, where is the part of it that says I started comedy in 2008?
Oh, and the, yeah.
Where is it?
Is that true?
That's.
Yeah.
Started doing comedy in 2008 following the economic crisis.
That's not true.
I started doing it in 2010, late 2010, almost 2011.
What I mean is that who, like, who does any of the fact checking?
This is all fake.
This is more egregious than the Iraq war, like, you know, misinformation.
And, and more damaging.
But no, it's the, the, the, the idea here is that they just get a bunch of shit.
They don't fact check it.
My realtor called me and said, do you mind if your, your, your information got
leaked to
the New York post that you bought this house?
And I said, I, and she goes, I don't know how that happened.
And I wanted to say, well, I have a guess.
You called them and leaked it.
That's my guess.
Like every realtor ever leaks shit.
I'm not nearly famous enough where anyone would give a shit about where I live,
who gives
a fuck.
So I said to her, I don't think anyone will care if they got the info and they're
printing
a little dumb blurb.
I don't really give a shit.
Don't put my address in it, but I don't want a fucking article of lies.
This is, uh, I mean, this isn't like a person who's trying to rebuild their
career, right?
She's a realtor that was really hot back in the day.
And now is been displaced by the Instagram set of probably younger, more, you
know, social
media savvy, uh, set of realtors.
But she had a moment when she was number one, she was the first really famous
realtor out
there.
And she's got a great relationship with the press.
She's on TV all the time.
And, you know, she did a great job with the house, but I don't know, is it her
fault?
Is she feeding the post all this fake information?
How was the post getting this fake?
Castro had a good run too, but you know.
What'd you say?
Fidel Castro had a good run also.
He had a great run.
That's different.
But, you know, look, is this her trying to spruce it up in her mind?
Like, you know, like the fact, oh, he was in France and Italy, like some carnival
barker.
Yeah, it does kind of read like they're trying to dress me up.
They're like, he slapped four million after a tour of comedy.
He was in the Mediterranean doing comedy on boats.
Like, it's just so not researched and it's so weird.
And I don't know what role she had in it other than I imagine that's how they
found out, which is every...
I'm surprised she didn't like say you went, you like have a house night beat
though.
Yeah.
Why not say that I spent $20 million on a house in the Hamptons after
performing for the Pope?
Like, I had a private audience with the Pope at Vatican City.
It's as true as this article.
This is...
They used the worst picture.
The worst.
And Ben will put this picture up and it'll close up.
It is the most disgusting photo I've ever seen.
It's almost like if you don't hate me already, you look at this photo and you
go, I want him dead.
Yeah, which show is that from?
The Netflix thing I did maybe a couple of years ago.
I don't even know, right?
But they...
This shot, you look like you're like drunk or something in this photo.
I look so disgusting.
Like, you would hate...
And by the way, they're showing a part of the Hamptons I don't live in.
I'm not near the beach.
You look at dad in family court.
Like, look, I know I hit the kids.
I look like a dad in family court who's realizing he doesn't really want visitation.
He's going, what am I doing this all for?
But it's like, I just don't know how they can get away with, like, lying like
this.
Is that even...
Is your house even in that shot?
No!
The shot is of, like, fucking estates.
Right.
It's like Iron Reader's house or something.
That's Billionaire Beach.
It's not at all.
What is this?
What kind of game is this?
This is...
What do they call that?
The hyper-normalization.
This is them trying...
It's like a Soviet-level, you know, disinformation campaign just to create, you
know, chaos about you.
Should we...
What if Adam Curtis started his next documentary with, in 2022, a comedian
bought a house in Southampton?
For $4.5 million.
For $4.5 million.
It wasn't immediately clear then, but a chain of events had taken place.
No, but I just don't know.
Do I have any recourse?
Can I sue anybody?
I mean, this is all...
This is complete insanity.
I mean, look, you could definitely...
I mean, look, I don't think defamation suits are typically ever won.
Johnny Depp may win one.
He might get one.
Well, right, but yeah, I mean, he's got a little different...
Yeah, I mean, look, it would be nice if we got a six-week trial out of this.
Can we do that?
Will they cover it the same way as the Depp Hurd trial?
I don't think it's as exciting to people as Depp Hurd.
That's real juicy and real entertaining.
What if I say she hit me?
The realtor?
Yeah.
I'm telling you, right.
I'll go on the stand.
I absolutely would love if you did that.
Yeah.
I'd love if you did that.
She burst a cigarette out of my face.
Yeah.
She called me and said, you know, you're not allowed in this house.
She made me use, you know, go to the toilet in the street.
I'm wondering how responsible is she for this and how responsible is the writer
of the article?
Who should I be angry at?
Is there any...
There's no, like, board of journalism, right?
Like, there's no, like, ethics committee.
There's no bar association, right?
Like, you can just make stuff up.
Clearly not.
Clearly you can just make shit up.
This is, like, worse than Shattered Glass.
That movie with, like, Dean Christensen.
This is like, uh...
I just don't know why you just print the real shit.
Go, yeah, you bought a house for two and a half million bucks.
Don't go...
Why wouldn't they call you?
Why would they not...
Why would they lie and go, oh, he's $4 million.
He's performing in France.
He owns a house in Beverly Hills.
None of this is true.
It's not accurate.
This isn't an expose.
Like, why wouldn't the reporter call you?
My parents are calling me.
They're like, you own a house in Beverly Hills?
I'm like, no, it's fake.
I mean, it's like I'm giving them more of a reason to hate me.
They're, like, worried because it's like, you know, during the mortgage days, I
bought that house and foreclosed.
It's like, all these articles are like, he owns 17 houses.
Everybody's like, he's gonna go down.
They're like, oh, he's gonna burn.
And it's like, yeah, it's untrue.
I own a house in Austin that's under a million bucks.
Cheap house.
And I bought this thing.
And that's it.
And then there's, like, this fucking insane idea that's going around.
The one thing is I did dance to Polka with Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street.
That's the one fucking thing they got right.
One thing they got right.
I mean, look, that's the.
Do you even want that in the article?
Like, what are the things in the article to actually even get right?
It's like, who cares?
But, like, I mean, is this person, like.
Are these things you told the, uh, the realtor at some point?
No.
No.
Like, oh, I was in, I was in France, like, you know, you know, for a visit.
And then she thought.
No, I don't think so.
This is like when you talk to a decrepit grandmother.
Yeah.
And it's like, you know, what are you doing?
Oh, yeah, you know, I've been doing, uh, you know, are you the president of the
company?
It's like, no, I work in the mailroom, Grandma.
I mean, how does this work?
Like, be the writer from The Post.
I'll be the realtor.
All right, um, is this Tim Nillen?
No, this is his representative.
Hi, we'd like to ask, uh, we have an article coming out about his house in the
Hamptons,
and we'd like to, you know, just, uh, fact check a few things.
Sure.
Did