Name: #304 - What America Means To Me | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-06-26T01:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#304 - What America Means To Me | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#304 - What America Means To Me | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-26. Transcript available.

#304 - What America Means To Me | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, happy 4th of July.
Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
It is summer, I am here in my final form,
sitting next to the luckiest person in show business,
Benjamin Avery.
My best 4th of July memory was when an uncle of mine,
we had a great 4th of July party
at my uncle's house every single year,
and one of his brothers was offended
because I think somebody called his wife a name,
I think they said she's a Jew.
Now, this is what happened.
It's an Irish family of drunks.
And he tried, he was going to drive home drunk,
but what they did was they took the air out of his tires,
they went out, they did a whole thing,
and they were hitting his car, his tire.
It was crazy, and me and a friend
just kind of watched this from behind a bush,
and we watched my family take the air out of this guy's tire
so he literally could not drive home
because there was a big fight about his wife.
They're since divorced.
Fun 4th of July memory because it's Independence Day.
It's freedom.
It's important that people go out there.
They put some meat on the grill,
and they just, you know, again,
take stock of where they are and what they have.
And it's the summer is in full swing,
and people are happy out there,
and, you know, I mean, it's we're back.
We're back, baby.
America's back,
and nothing's going to keep us down,
not the crime or the gas prices,
the unemployment,
the lack of money,
the family structure that's rapidly dissolving,
you know,
the rise of militias.
Nothing will keep us down.
I mean,
we're back in business in a serious way.
Isn't that the way you feel?
Oh, yeah.
We're back.
It's going to be a great summer.
What's going on out there that's making it great?
Well,
there's actually things that are not making it great.
Well, wait,
what?
I was just sort of agreeing with you,
but actually,
I don't really have any information to support that claim.
A lot of 4th of July is being canceled due to labor shortages.
Wait a minute.
Hold the phone.
How can you cancel the 4th of July?
What would that even look like?
Well,
it would,
so some cities like in Arizona are replacing it with,
they're replacing it with,
since there's supply chain issues,
they can't get any,
can't get any fireworks.
Right.
In the whole state.
So what they're going to do is a pyrotechnic show.
Okay.
Instead as a replacement.
Okay.
So some cities are,
you know,
they don't want to not do anything on the 4th.
They're still going to have a show with big flames shooting out of pipes,
I guess.
Well,
they can't get fireworks.
Yeah.
It's supply chain issues.
They're unable to secure fireworks for a fireworks show.
So they're going to do,
what are they going to do?
Like a,
a drag show?
They should.
That'll make everyone nice and happy.
It'll piss every,
you know,
I would do a drag brunch the other day,
a pride brunch.
And,
you know,
I'm a,
I was,
I've always been a fan of drag queens,
mostly when they were like politically incorrect,
very acerbic,
nasty,
funny.
Um,
but now it's a lot,
you know,
you're eating breakfast there and you have the drag queens are like,
yeah,
it's bad.
like in your face and you're just trying to eat French toast and it's just
gotten very aggressive.
You know what I mean?
There's like a boot in your face and they're like,
lick the bird,
you know?
And you're like,
okay.
You're like,
I'm,
this is enjoyable.
And I'm there with a guy that we just fucked.
It's not,
I'm not like coming from a Christian coalition meeting.
I'm sitting there with another faggot and it's still a lot,
you know,
the drag brunch where they're like,
ah,
it's like a whole thing.
And then,
you know,
it's some of it is camp and fun.
And some of it is,
you know,
I wish you had real talent because some of the drag queens are like,
wouldn't it be funny if I was a singer or a dancer?
Yeah.
It would also be entertaining.
Do that.
Um,
now,
so now these places in,
uh,
where,
where are these,
they're going to,
they're not letting people go to the 4th of,
they're not letting people go to the 4th of July.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Most of Arizona seems to be kind of hosed this year.
Arizona is a real dump.
I mean,
it's a real,
it's just a bunch of lot lizards living in the dirt and they deserve what
they get.
Oh yeah.
But it's shocking to me that that's a state that I feel like would spend
11 months out of the year securing fireworks.
Like what the fuck else are they doing?
Playing golf?
By the way,
I look like the mayor of the governor of Arizona right now,
like this outfit.
I look like the mayor,
the governor,
the poet laureate of Arizona.
Um,
but I'll tell you this right now.
Are there,
are there any fun,
uh,
like,
uh,
substitutions for the fireworks?
I mean,
what are they going to do?
So like,
I'm reading here in lieu of fireworks,
and this is Tempe,
Tempe,
in lieu of fireworks,
the city will host red,
white,
and flume.
Red,
white,
and flume.
F L O O O O.
What's that?
It's a fire show scheduled to begin at 830.
There will be 12 floating flower shaped flumes on Tempe town link,
and they shoot flames up to 30 feet in the air.
And it's a five minute pyrotechnic show.
People are not going to like this.
This is going to bomb.
Flower shaped flumes shooting flames.
They are not going to like this.
They want their fireworks.
Why don't they just show up with a bunch of AR-15s and shoot at the sky?
So at least they have something that's audible.
They can hear.
They are not going to like this flume.
Oh man,
they are not going to like this flume.
These people in Tempe,
Arizona want one thing.
Loud,
gun-like fireworks to enjoy for the 4th of July.
They want loud bang.
You know,
I don't love fireworks.
I've said before,
they're kind of pedestrian,
but you know,
for the 4th of July,
you do it.
You do it once a year and you enjoy it and you move on.
But the idea that they're going to replace it with this flume is not going to,
what are there any other cities?
The city of Chandler,
they're going to do.
Again in Arizona?
Yeah.
The hell's going on?
I don't know.
They,
well,
this guy.
What is Chandler doing?
They don't have any fucking money.
What the hell's the fireworks show being replaced with in Chandler,
Arizona?
Uh,
well,
so there's a pyro planning specialist named Kendon Victor.
Oh God.
And,
um,
he said it's an industry wide nationwide issue.
Oh.
And,
uh,
so he's in charge of all the pyrotechnics.
Kent,
what's his name?
Uh,
Kendon Victor.
Kendon Victor.
He's a pyrotechnics expert.
Yes.
Okay.
So he's going to be overseeing the,
um,
the replacement shows here,
but he's saying we're using the wrong terms here.
It's not a firework shortage.
Uh,
it's just an issue with supply chain.
So I know that whatever from China is what he said.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well,
I know,
but what's,
what's the difference?
Yeah.
That's just what he's just trying to correct people on that.
But,
uh,
all of,
uh,
Arizona is kind of hosed here with it.
So,
but I think Kendon Victor is,
is feeling good,
uh,
with the Tucson news here that,
he's going to kind of come through and,
uh,
power through.
He said,
we continue to receive phone calls from other states,
other cities requesting to see if we could provide for their 4th of July,
but we provide exclusively for the state of Arizona.
So he's going to try to figure it out for the state.
Well,
I hope because this is such a big national,
uh,
celebration that I hope that it is not dampened by the,
uh,
the no fireworks.
I hope people can still get hurt.
I hope people can still go out and get really intoxicated and look at bright
colors in the sky.
And it hopefully will alleviate some of the pain because we've had some pain.
I forgot to include that.
Also the pyrotechnic show it's choreographed to patriotic and pop music.
It says on the city's event listing reads,
I hope it's so gay that everyone is.
So uncomfortable with it.
I hope it's so over the top,
like lady Gaga gay.
I hope that like,
it's just all gay colors and it's so uncomfortable for the residents of Tempe
that there's like a riot.
I hope they start taking their guns out.
I believe by the way,
no matter what happens,
they're going to start shooting the flames with the guns because they're going
to be so upset by this because all they want is a,
old school firework show like they grew up with,
you know,
and they're,
it's going to be replaced by some like Cirque du Soleil freak show.
And the people that live by like these manmade lakes in Arizona,
these tarantulas that come out for this event are going to be so disappointed
by this pyrotechnics show.
And I'm,
I'm sad about it.
I'm truly sad about it.
Fourth of July is a,
is a,
it's a,
it's an interesting holiday because it's something that you spend around your
family a lot of times,
not always,
but it's a family event where you go and you spend it with people in your
family or community.
Like Long Island,
they do a thing.
The Grucci brothers in New York City and Long Island do a fireworks spectacular.
Like it's a big deal.
You have the,
the burgers,
the hot dogs,
you have your flag cake,
your American flag cake,
and you just feel good.
You feel proud of our country for a one night.
And it's good.
You,
you celebrate,
you know,
just being an American,
whatever that means.
The,
the,
the backyard pool,
the fucking booze,
the food,
the fucking cable news,
loudly chirping in the background,
the air conditioning,
the consumption of energy,
the big SUVs,
dad getting home,
mom working hard in the kitchen,
dad on the grill,
mom icing a cake,
your brother doing fentanyl,
whatever it means to be an American.
4th of July is it.
It is the most American thing I can think of.
Can you think of any more American holiday than the 4th of July with the
barbecue outside,
the pool,
the fireworks?
No,
because it's our independence.
Yeah.
But stylistically,
it just is the most American thing you can do.
It's the most American thing you can do.
And I'm trying to remember if I've ever had like epic 4th of July.
They've always been fine.
You know?
Yeah,
fine.
They've always been fine.
They've never been great,
but they've always been something to do where you'd go out and you go,
we have something to do tonight.
And you would stand there and it would happen and it was never great.
They were never great.
Whatever feelings you're supposed to feel,
I don't know.
I don't remember.
Maybe when I was younger or even in my high school or early college,
I don't remember what I did for the 4th of July.
Do you remember any 4th of July that stood out in your memory?
One,
I remember being on a boat somewhere on a lake in Texas.
Oh,
okay.
Because everybody goes out on the boat at night and then people shoot off
fireworks from their boats.
Right.
Into the sky.
Right.
And I think I saw fireworks at Disney once.
That was way cooler.
You were at Disney?
Not on the 4th.
Not on the 4th.
Okay.
But they do the fireworks thing every night.
When did you go to Disney?
I was 12.
Disney World?
Yeah,
Disney,
the one in Outside Wonderland.
They had the money to take you there?
In Orlando.
Well,
we drove across.
We couldn't fly.
Right.
We drove across in the van.
Did you stay at a hotel on the property?
No,
no,
we stayed with my uncle.
Right.
Now,
I just want to get to the bottom of that.
We'll get to the bottom of that.
Going to Disney World?
What?
I'm telling you right now,
everybody has an online business.
I have one.
You have one.
Your mother has one.
My mother has one.
Our fathers have one.
Our grandparents have one.
Our great grandparents.
Everybody's had an online business forever and will forever.
You're in the black mirror now,
baby.
You're in the internet.
And if you want to make any scratch,
any revenue,
any cha-ching change,
you better get online and start selling anything you got.
But you need to focus on growing your business,
marketing,
branding,
things like that.
You need to focus on client acquisition,
right?
A customer base,
developing one.
What you don't need to focus on is shipping.
It's so hard to focus on what really matters in life,
especially if you're running a business.
ShipStati