Name: #305 - Summer In America | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2022-07-03T01:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#305 - Summer In America | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#305 - Summer In America | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-03. Transcript available.

#305 - Summer In America | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. They're coming for the
vapes,
they're coming for the nicotine, they're coming for the cigarettes. I have been
clean, sober,
dry from the cigarette for 17 days. My last cigarette was on Monday, May 6th.
I had a bronchial event that was not COVID. It was a sickness, which has been a
blessing
in disguise. It has kept me from the temptation of smoking again. And are you
proud of me? You
don't say much. No, no, I am. I'm proud of you. Yeah, yeah. I've told you off
mic, I'm proud of you.
Oh, this is great. Tell me on mic. Tell me publicly in front of other people.
Thank you,
stranger we've never met, clapping. In the Gas Digital studio again, here for a
few weeks.
While we get things going, we have, of course, I'll be back in the Los Angeles
studio
relatively soon. We'll be back there. Tell everybody a little bit about this,
because they are trying to get rid of cigarettes. This is a big push now, and
it's coordinated.
They're getting rid of the Juul. Well, they're getting, yeah, so yesterday.
Because it targets
the kids. Isn't that what they're saying? Yeah. They're getting rid of the Juul
because it's
marketed to kids. Who are Oreos marketed to? You know, they're taking every
means that you have to
relax. You're heading into the worst economic climate that there's been in 10
plus years,
maybe more. And they're taking every little bit of peace from you, including
your Juul.
Juul. So why are they? You know more about Juul's than me.
Yeah. So Juul is a, it's a Nick Salt, N-I-C Salt. Don't say that word on the
show.
Well, that's what it is. Because we'll get thrown right off if you keep that up.
Well, so the FDA removed Juul from the stores immediately. Why? It reviewed the
company's
pre-market tobacco product applications and determined some of Juul's lab
studies findings
had insufficient and conflicting data, including regarding genotoxicity and
potentially harmful
chemicals leaching from the company's proprietary e-liquid pods that had not
been adequately addressed.
And since 2018, they've been, they've sued them. I believe it was South
Carolina sued them
and won a bunch of money because they've been targeting children. Really, this
is just a push
to get the kids from- And Juul targets kids with the flavors.
Yeah. So they had cool cucumber, cream brulee. There was a mango there for a
second.
Juul is a thing where somebody blows it and you think you're having a stroke
because you smell
like blueberries. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I always thought.
Somebody would blow,
it's like the caterpillar, the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, where they'd
be like,
who are you? And then just a plume of smoke would fill a subway car and you'd
be like,
am I, is this it? And then you go, oh, somebody's juuling. And it would be like
pumpkin pie
Juul flavor. So they're getting rid of that. They're also getting rid of nicotine
in cigarettes.
Well, what's the point? Now, Joe Biden is trying to get rid of nicotine. By the
way,
I have called this, we've called it before. It's over. They're going to, when
you travel outside of
America, cigarettes in places like the UK and Australia are all packaged with
this very alarmist
packaging where you will see babies born dead, low birth weight. You'll see
scarred lungs on the package.
On the actual, Bobby, just pull up a UK cigarette package to show people or an
Australian cigarette
package. They really want you to think twice before buying cigarettes. Cigarettes
also in Australia,
$50. Yeah. And in the UK, there are a lot of money too. But in Canada, in the
UK and in Australia,
the packaging of the cigarettes themselves is disturbing. Like when you buy it,
you look at it and they show
like somebody just had a stroke. Yeah. Take a look at those. These are, this is
how they package
cigarettes outside of America. And the cost of cigarettes outside of America is
prohibitively high.
Um, I do believe we're heading for a, some type of ban or another big spike in
cost
of cigarettes. Is that unfounded? Is my belief unfounded? No, by May 2020, 2023,
it looks like
they're going to restrict. They're going to put a cap on how much nicotine can
be in a cigarette.
Well, I used to smoke Marlboro lights, which is not a lot of nicotine, right?
Yeah, it's a light cigarette. So if you're smoking Marlboro lights, you're okay.
But now they're capping that at what? They don't know yet. They're going to
bring it way down to the,
to the point where it's really not addictive. Oh, that's the goal.
So to the point where you're no longer addicted to a cigarette. Right. You don't
get hooked.
But then there's going to be the hard stuff that you can get on the streets,
the black market,
dark web cigarettes. Wow. Well, it's better to not smoke, but it is very cool
to smoke,
especially when you're young and very sexy. And if you are a teenager and you're
listening to this show,
there's nothing better than smoking a cigarette. Truly. If you can enjoy that,
if you don't have asthma or something to be 17 and smoking is beautiful. That's
what life should be.
When you're in college and you're 19, if you're not smoking a butt, you're a
fucking idiot.
So Tim Dillon tells you that when you were young in your late teens and early
twenties,
it's the time to be a casual smoker and then just stop. It's not hard.
Pick it up for when you should have it. There's a photo of you in France with a
cigarette when you're 21.
Beautiful. Then cut it out. It's not a big deal.
Stop getting so attached to all these things. Move on.
But I don't know. I don't, I, I, you know, I'm, I'm always for freedom,
but I do understand that I am for freedom,
but I also like the idea of poor people not being able to do things they want.
So I'm in that rock and a hard place. Whereas I want people to be free,
but the idea of cigarettes being restricted to only luxurious people is also
nice,
you know? So getting them out of the hands of these bums and putting them in
the hands of rich people
seems good. I don't know. There's a lifeguard shortage and this really concerns
me. And I wanted
to talk about this because so many of my formative years in, uh, on earth were
spent as a lifeguard.
I was a lifeguard at a beach club in long Island, whose name I will not mention.
Um, but it was great.
It was great for me. It was great for all of the people. I was, uh, a smoker as
a lifeguard.
Um, I was not in the best physical shape, um, but I was a pool lifeguard, which
did not require
a ton of physical conditioning. The ocean requires more physical conditioning.
There was a lot of
running. You run, uh, to the surf, you jump in and you pull someone out.
Whereas the pool lifeguard,
you could kind of just fall out of your chair into the pool. You scoop up one
of these little bums
and you say, what the fuck's wrong with you? We'd scream at them. I never saved
anyone,
but I imagine had I would have yelled immediately at them. Like, what are you
doing? Because their
parents would, I've seen saves. And when the kid would get out of the water,
the mother would grab
them and shake them and screaming, Oh, what are you doing in front of everybody?
And then the kid would
be like terrified of the water and permanently scarred. But it's also, you know,
it is embarrassing for
everyone to see you drowned. It's a public thing, right? A beach club. If many
of you don't know
what it is, it's a pool with a bunch of cabanas around it. Everybody knows
everybody. Everybody sees
what's happening. So if you're, you know, we had one half save where we kind of
just dragged the kid
out. And then the mother came up to us and they're like, she was like, he can
swim. This is humiliating.
Now he feels bad coming back to the pool. And it's like, all right, well, next
time we'll just
let him go blue, you know, we'll let him die. But it is embarrassing. In
Australia,
when we thought we were going to drown, the idea of being saved was so mortifying
to me. I'd rather
kind of die, especially because all I did was shit on Australia and say how
lazy they all were.
Then for them to have to drag my fat ass out of the water, it would be humiliating.
So I'd rather die.
I wanted to just die, but we survived and we were fine. But my whole thing as a
lifeguard,
it was a good experience for me. And I've talked about it many times. It's a
great job for a young
person. It's a great job, whether you are in shape and you really want to help
people, which is never
what I wanted to do. But it's also a great job for people that enjoy sitting,
abusing power. They like
rules. They like a structure. They like as Jordan Peterson would say, a
hierarchy. They like to
enforce arbitrary rules that don't really make anyone safe, but they have power.
You get a whistle
and you get power and you could close the pool and open the pool and yell at
people and ban people
and give them time out. No running on the deck. And at night, people would give
you food and you could
eat it. Like people would, you know, I liked the 11 to seven shift. You didn't
have to get up early
and at night they would give you food. You could kind of eat it in the chair
and there were less
people in the pool. And I didn't really pay that much attention. We used to get
high all the time
because sometimes it would be rainy and no one would go to the beach club and
we'd bake out the
lifeguard shed, get very high, like out of our minds high. And then the sun
would come out and then
we'd be like, fuck. So then we'd be, then there'd be 80 people in the pool and
we're on a lifeguard
chair, terrified with glasses on so high, baked out of our minds in a chair,
completely unaware of
what's happening. Just seeing splashing. So fucked up. We're just seeing
splashing and like looking at
each other and going like, and just hoping to God, nothing happened because we
were so fucked up. I was
high so many times in that lifeguard chair. One time we did, it was supposedly
miss a save. I,
to this day, don't remember seeing anyone drown. Supposedly some kid's mother
jumped in to save him,
which is a better system anyway, strong families. But the owner of the beach
club came out and me and
my friend Jeff were sitting there and we were like really high and we had our
glasses on, thank God.
And he goes, I can never hear what I just heard. And I'm like, what did you
hear? He's like,
I heard that you two missed a save. There was a kid flailing around here and he's
going under and
his mother had to drag him out. And I'm like, oh, I think he was fine. And so
that was the one time,
but I've never saved anyone. Thank God nobody ever drowned. I was fired from
that job. I wasn't asked
back. They did not like my work ethic or whatever. There were complaints about,
there was like multiple
complaints about me, but lifeguarding is a good job. It's a good job. And you
don't have to be like
this ripped Adonis who's like really hot. And I mean, that's a great version of
a lifeguard too.
But my mother was a fat lifeguard. Like there's many fat lifeguards who come
from like the, you know,
more of like the public pool space where they are just kind of miserable, angry
people that like to blow
the whistle and scream. Many of them were elderly. We had old lifeguards. One
of them was named Dottie
and they would go and blow the whistle and scream, no running. So there is that
part of the job too.
Like there is that part of the job. You don't have to be, it's not Baywatch.
You can work at a shitty,
underfunded rec center. Okay. But that they may drown. So you want to go to
like a nice suburban
spot where everybody has private swimming lessons and they're all kind of good
that way, you know,
they're not drowning left and right. I mean, the idea of it's just to me, they
moved me to the ocean.
I worked on the ocean for a few weeks because one of the ocean guards was out
and they put me on the
ocean. And I mean, when, when I say I had no idea what was going on, I would
just stare at the ocean
and I'm like, I don't know how