Name: Tim's Big Audition with Chris Distefano | The Tim Dillon Show #308
Uploaded: 2022-07-24T01:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim's Big Audition with Chris Distefano | The Tim Dillon Show #308' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim's Big Audition with Chris Distefano | The Tim Dillon Show #308' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-24. Transcript available.

Tim's Big Audition with Chris Distefano | The Tim Dillon Show #308

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here with comedian Chris DiStefano from New York City.
Thank you for coming.
We appreciate it.
You've never done the show, have you?
You did a Patreon.
I've never, I'll tell you what, I've never done it in this studio.
Are you nervous?
About this, LA?
No, just being on the show.
You know what?
Here's the deal.
We're the new Rogan.
You are.
I don't want to, I don't want to start a fight with him.
Right.
But I literally will.
Yeah.
We are the new Joe Rogan experience.
What happens in that chair can destroy your life or it can save it.
Yeah.
The only difference between this studio and Joe Rogan's studio is Joe Rogan has
beef jerky
made out of Native Americans in the waiting room.
Yes, he does.
He does in like barrels of whiskey.
Yeah.
And armed security.
And Navy SEALs that are armed security.
But I'll tell you right now, Ben's got great hand dye.
He does.
So if you start a problem, he's a real lanky guy, but he's got good hand dye.
And he can get down on the ground with him.
He's a grappler.
Ben, is Ben a grappler?
I don't know.
Probably not.
He's one of those guys I wouldn't, I wouldn't fuck with Ben at all.
Well, cause he has that wasp cold Texas thing.
So he can just walk away.
He doesn't know what emotions are.
So he doesn't feel, which is what's so good.
And that's why he does good at the job.
If you did, if you did Ben's face on that face app, face swap thing, he would
seamlessly
fit into most mass shooters profiles.
A hundred percent.
Just facially.
A hundred percent.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's got that face.
The only reason Ben doesn't shoot up a school is cause he doesn't like traffic.
Right.
Like he come, you know what I mean?
Like he'll be like, Oh my God, it's fucking nine o'clock.
There's still traffic.
But I'll tell you what, with all the oversaturation that's going on in comedy
and entertainment
in general, the last stand of going viral might be a mass shooting there.
Well, what a, what a great way to get banned from every platform at once.
See, this is guerrilla warfare.
Now they come on, the podcasters come on.
They try to get you banned immediately.
That's what we should all do.
We should all just go on each other's shows and try to get banned, like try to
get their
show banned.
Like I should just go on a taste buds with a Sal and DeRosa.
Yeah.
Great show.
And what I should do is when they're arguing about peanut butter and jelly, I
should go,
do you think black people have different skull shapes than white people until
they're taken
off YouTube?
That's the only way we can win now is get each other kicked off.
Honestly, it's, I would like to go back.
I was telling Ben before he got here, like go back to like Opie and Anthony
vibes.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
Do things like that because I think that's what real comedy is.
Yeah.
We got to try to get, got to try to get each other banned.
Got to try to get everybody banned and you know, we'll see what happens for me.
I feel, I feel safe that no matter what happens to me, cause I'm surrounded by
transgender and
Puerto Ricans.
You were very smart to build, to put yourself on an Island full of Brown people.
Yep.
Who have mutilated their bodies.
Yep.
That is such a benefit for you.
What's been beautiful about my life the last month is my father, who we call
Tampa Tony is up from Florida and
he's been staying with me for a month and it was the first time he's ever been
around TT Jerry, who's a transgender Puerto Rican person.
Nanny.
Nanny.
Yeah.
She's my, so TT Jerry is my kid's mom's godfather.
Yes.
Did prison time for 20 years, transitioned in prison and is now my youngest
daughter's godmother.
Right.
Same person.
Right.
So it was very fun to see, to tell my Irish Catholic conservative.
And we're bringing her up right now.
Here she is.
TT Jerry.
Yeah.
She looks like John Ciccata with AIDS.
Yeah.
So.
And she does have AIDS and there's nothing wrong with that.
Hey, whatever it is, it is.
Right.
And she, it's in remission and sometimes it flares up.
I'll tell you what, she doesn't have COVID.
Right, right.
So, so what's been interesting, what's been nice is watching my father, because
you watch the news long enough, you get brainwashed a little bit to think that,
you know, a transgender Latino inmate wouldn't get along with a conservative
fat guy from the Bronx.
Right.
Who now lives in Florida and they, you could, you, you couldn't be more wrong
about the reality of the situation, which is that they are best friends.
Yes.
They, the other night they're watching Fox News, right?
I got my father has Fox News on all day, every day.
It's what it is.
It's what you expect.
75 year old guy from Florida.
So, uh, Tucker Carlson is on at night and TT Jerry's watching, doesn't know
anything about, you know, the news, doesn't watch it at all.
She, you know, she watches Wendy Williams and stuff to get the news.
And she, Tucker Carlson is on and out of nowhere, uh, TT says, uh, to my father,
she goes, you know, for a white guy, Tucker Carlson looks like he probably got
a big dick.
And my father was like, you know, I never thought about that, Jerry.
And they had like this moment where it was like, they then started talking
about, you know, both watching Fox News because TT was, you know, thought,
thinks Tucker Carlson is legitimately hot and hasn't stopped talking about how
she wants to suck Tucker Carlson's dick.
And my father loves his politics, but they came together and they dropped my
kids off at school, at summer camp every day.
So I think the people at the summer camp are like, what is this old man with
diabetes and fake knees walking around with this transgender Puerto Rican woman
saying she wants to suck Tucker Carlson's cock for dropping off these two
little girls.
Right.
And it's what my life is.
And it is the new sitcom.
Yeah.
It is a new sitcom that no one will make, sadly.
Yes.
Well, no one's going to make, well, we don't know.
If anything, I'll put it on your YouTube.
Yes.
That's what I'll do.
You should.
I would, it's a new modern family.
It's a new, um, it's, it's, it's kind of like the new, uh, everybody loves
Raymond, but with a transgender.
You are getting to something that I think is legitimate.
And that is that people, when you go online, everybody hates everybody.
Right.
When you actually put people in a room together.
Oh my God.
It's actually not the case.
No.
Yeah.
No, no.
No, I don't.
Well, we see that comedy shows.
No, but everybody's fine.
Everything is fine.
Everybody's fine.
I know there's issues.
There's issues.
There's issues, but that's why I've moved to Staten Island because now I'm on
an island
of, you want to complain about an issue.
Yeah.
It better be the right issue.
That's right.
Because if you're complaining about another type of issue, you're going to be
asked to
leave that island.
You know, what I think, what I've learned is that when people are really
concerned with
politics, a lot of the time it masks the fact that they themselves are bored.
Sure.
It's boredom.
Yeah.
It's real boredom.
And to which I present to them many, many options, including drugs.
Yeah.
It is, I was a drug addict for many, many years.
It is a better life.
It is more interesting.
You are more focused.
I mean, taking a nice drive to go get Oxycontin in Suffolk County, Long Island,
you know, to
me is a better use of your time than arguing over Facebook about health care.
Yeah.
And not enough people are out there.
Not enough people are talking about actually saving white people.
Right.
We have to save the whites.
I was just in Providence, Rhode Island.
And they're, and they're all dying.
All these white people are dying of heroin overdoses.
They have blue lips and they're sunken in eyes and they follow you around in a
drug store
and it's uncomfortable.
I was in a Dunkin Donuts in Providence.
I was just, just there last weekend.
I was in a Dunkin Donuts in Providence.
I mean, full meth crackheads.
I bought a donut, you know, a powdered sugar donut.
I blew, I went in the parking lot.
Cause just in case there was a little fentanyl residue on it.
I was like, I'm not sure.
No, it's, it's so bad right now.
Yeah.
And Louis CK can't put everyone in a movie, you know?
Yeah.
And also not everyone can get Louis on the podcast.
Right.
So that's the whole, well, he's doing all of them.
That's what I'm saying.
He's doing everybody.
He's going to do ours in August.
That's amazing.
But we're not talking about the movie.
We got a big show here.
Yeah.
We can't just spend an hour talking.
Can't talk about the movie.
We can't spend an hour talking about it.
Yeah.
We'll tell people to go see it.
Yeah.
There's other questions we must ask.
Ask.
Yeah.
Now, I wanted to do this cause it's very interesting.
They just, you know, you, you do some acting, not a ton.
Not a ton.
I am doing a Volkswagen commercial tomorrow cause Germany's fighting back.
Yes.
And now they've hired you, which I love.
Yeah.
I love that Volkswagen goes, you know what?
Yeah.
Forget about diversity inclusion.
Let's go with the most German looking head we can find.
And what is the commercial?
Do you know yet?
It's literally just going out there.
I'm trying to now sell the Volkswagen Atlas.
Which is a truck.
Which is a truck, which is a beautiful truck, which actually is good for me
with the family
I have.
You know what you should have negotiated?
They should have given you a Volkswagen Atlas.
Well, so we're still, but that, see the thing, times are tough right now.
Right.
That's the thing is I literally was like, I have, why did I have to take an
Uber to the,
you know, from the airport?
Why was I not picked up in a Volkswagen or give me a Volkswagen?
Right.
And they're like, we genuinely don't have the money to give you a Volkswagen.
We just pay to do the commerce.
Yeah.
And that's it.
So you go in there and do you know what the script is yet?
Do you know what you have to do?
It's kind of something.
It's about like the rules of the road kind of thing.
Like Volkswagen's rules of the road.
Yeah.
I like a company.
Yeah.
Implicated in one of the greatest.
Did Volkswagen get involved?
I know Mercedes was, but was Volkswagen involved?
I believe Volkswagen was as well.
But I like that they're still focused on order.
Yeah.
There's something nice about it.
So the rules of the road.
I like that.
Rules of the road.
Well, so what happened was is too, the way I even got this gig is the head of-
This will come out weeks after you're paid, by the way.
So you're-
Yes, we're good.
It's fine.
Well, the only reason I'm talking so fluidly is because the money's already in
the bank
account.
Oh, great.
Perfect.
And you won't get it back.
That's great.
So no matter what, I'll move to another country.
So I'll move to Germany where I'm free.
So they said that the head of Volkswagen or whoever, the digital ad people,
whatever,
were looking for a German comic and they couldn't find a German comic.
So my name got pitched like his last name's DiStefano.
But then the head of Volkswagen took a look at me and was like, there's no way
that guy's
not fully German.
Right.
Interesting.
And so that's, so I like a company too that, although they're in about inclusiveness,
they
include everybody and all this and that.
And they're, you know, they just are like, who's the people that are going to
buy the car?
Let's get a guy who looks like the people who buy the car.
I've never seen-
It's kind of like that.
And I'm, I'm, this is anecdotal.
I've never seen a non-white person in a Volkswagen.
No.
Ever in my life.
No, which is fine.
It's fine.
But it's called the demographic.
It's fine.
I'm not going to be the spokesperson for Lincoln Navigators.
Right.
You know?
Right.
It's a great point.
So, and that's fine.
Right.
That's fine.
I don't know why there's such an issue about these things.
Like, for example, sometimes you just have to be strong with people.
So last week I wasn't home.
They had to fix the air conditioner units in my, in my house.
And one of the guys went