Name: Ladies Who Lunch w/ Chelcie Lynn and Libbie Higgins | The Tim Dillon Show #311
Uploaded: 2022-08-14T01:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ladies Who Lunch w/ Chelcie Lynn and Libbie Higgins | The Tim Dillon Show #311' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ladies Who Lunch w/ Chelcie Lynn and Libbie Higgins | The Tim Dillon Show #311' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-14. Transcript available.

Ladies Who Lunch w/ Chelcie Lynn and Libbie Higgins | The Tim Dillon Show #311

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
God, do I love these two fat whores.
They are my two favorite people.
I can't believe I met them in real life.
We had a dinner.
Was the dinner good?
Oh, dude.
Dude, dinner was great.
Thank you.
You really spurged.
You spent some money on us.
I spent $600.
Was it really?
It was Postmates.
Do you know if you spend $600 on Postmates,
you go on a list?
Like, I'm going to get denied end-of-life care
because I spent $600.
But we got two porterhouses at the Boa Steakhouse,
and we got tied to chicken wings and truffle mashed potatoes
and truffle crab gnocchi and this, that, truffle french fry.
I mean, come on.
We did it up big.
We did it big.
The great Chelsea Lynn, Trailer Trash, Tammy, Libby Higgins is with us.
You just completed a tour.
How many cities you guys do?
Oh, I don't even know, dude.
I don't know.
A lot.
Yeah.
We were on the road for three and a half months.
Before that, we had a month off,
and then we were on the road for six months.
So we've been at it for, you know, nine, ten months.
And you're just fucking, your fans are going crazy.
They love it.
You guys are online.
You know, I first became aware of you with the video you did about the McRib,
which was brilliant.
Thank you.
Which everyone should go check out right now, if you haven't seen it.
Which about 10 million people have seen it.
So if you haven't, you should see it.
And I, of course, know Chelsea.
And you kind of got big doing all kinds of different shit.
Yeah.
A little bit of everything.
A little mukbang action.
Right?
Amazing.
The TikTok, the Vine, the Instagram.
I'm everywhere.
You can't get rid of me.
You're out there.
And you know your way around a knife and fork.
Obviously.
Yeah, which is what I love about you.
And what, dude, I'm so happy to be here.
Just three fat guys just hanging out.
Absolutely.
Talking.
Enjoying life.
Exactly.
Because we have three, four years left.
Right.
I have two tops.
Yeah.
Well, that's true.
Well, let me, stop selling yourself short.
Well, I mean, two years tops, I'd say.
Is that what they say?
That's what they say online.
Well, oh, they're mean online.
You're doing great.
You're fine.
You'd be surprised that I don't have diabetes.
That's what they say.
Well, you know, I just had a cardiac test, a calcium scan, and I don't have any
deposits
in my heart.
I'm fine.
I'm good, too.
You know, a lot of it is genetics.
That's the ultimate equalizer.
Ben could drop dead.
It's genetics.
And that's what I love is genetics, which is why we're going to spend the next
hour talking
about my two favorite topics, race and genealogy.
No, I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
We're kidding.
When you're on the road, is it hard to not, you know, eat like wildebeest, like
wild boar,
just tearing apart a torus that you found late on a beach at night?
Is that the way, because I see the way you descend on an Applebee's, I mean,
like vicious pirates
trying to rape the townswomen.
Yeah.
I mean, it's tough out there.
Oh, dude, I, well, number one, I hate fast food and that, you know, might come
to a shock
to a lot of people because I am large.
So you don't think I would love that, but that's all you can eat on the road.
So we fucking hate it.
So we're, we usually eat like once a day, just so we don't have to eat.
That's what you said earlier.
You eat once a day.
That's fascinating to me.
Yep.
You don't have time to eat.
Right.
Now that one time a day.
10, 15,000 calories.
Do you make it count?
Yeah.
Do you make it count?
I don't want to be hungry till tomorrow.
When is it when you eat?
Usually if you do once a day, when do you do it?
At the club.
I like to do it before a show, three, four o'clock, three to five.
Nice.
Yeah.
Nice.
Yep.
So you're up there, you have the energy.
Yep.
But we do have an after show snack while we're laying in bed next to each other.
Yeah, we will.
We'll have like an after, yeah.
Maybe a little Debbie or three or four.
Ooh, yeah.
Fans bring it.
What's your little treat?
Like I used to like to have a, you know, a nice gas station yodel, but like, or,
or a
little, a little, a little, you know, a little cupcake with the squiggly icing.
But I would love a yodel or a ho-ho.
When I was a young child in middle school, I'd have like a frozen ho-ho or a
frozen yodel.
And there's just something nice about that with a little cold milk.
You know what my go-to snack is?
Yeah.
Funyuns with bean dip and a chocolate milk.
Yeah.
You're what they call a problem.
You're what they call a problem.
Funyuns with bean dip and a chocolate, I was in the Hamptons and we had a, I
had a great
chocolate milk.
It was so good.
Fresh farm chocolate milk, you know, with the, with the fun.
Now you grew up in Oklahoma.
Yeah.
I grew up in Oklahoma.
And your parents were not super involved.
My parents were meth heads.
Right.
Alcoholics, meth heads.
Were you around them as a youth?
Yeah.
I got, we got taken away when I was 12.
Wow.
Um, because I don't know where my dad was.
Mom got arrested for hot checks.
Yeah.
Remember that?
I know some ID theft and some, I knew some fun people, uh, when, when I was out
there, uh,
doing a cocaine as a teenager and, uh, and some people did get in trouble for
that.
Yeah.
A couple of little credit card getting cute.
Yeah.
That was a big thing.
That was a big thing.
Writing hot checks.
And then they came and they get mommy.
She went to jail, um, went to go live with my grandma and we just stayed, you
know?
Fuck yeah.
The grandma holds it together.
Barely.
Barely.
Right.
Barely.
You know, it's sad though.
You can't write a hot check anymore.
No.
It's hard.
You just can't.
You can't even do it.
You can barely pay for it.
You can't even pay for anything with a check.
It's crazy.
A hot check.
Now, would, would they, did they tell you that when you were young, when you
were 12?
Did they say mommy wrote a hot check?
Oh yeah.
That's why we got to get you.
Oh yeah.
Like, did they sit you down and go, here's the deal.
There's real checks and hot checks.
Guess which one your mother wrote, you know?
Oh, we knew about everything.
My parents were in jail off and on my whole life.
We always knew about everything.
And you're from Oklahoma.
This is reality in Oklahoma.
Not for everybody, not for everybody, but for the majority of people.
For most.
They live in Oklahoma.
Most people are on meth.
They're writing hot checks.
They're living, they're living on the, on the, on the, you know, on the other
side of
the law.
They're, they're five to 10 miles out running the cops.
They're just, you know, the lights are always behind them in the distance.
It's a renegade life.
It's a corn meth renegade life.
At least where I'm from, honestly.
That's what it is.
That's just what it is.
Yeah.
It's a casino life.
Yes.
People work at a casino.
Their life goal is to win some money at a casino, in a room where they can
smoke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
And you want it out of that life.
You looked around and said, this isn't for me.
I want to do something else because otherwise you would have continued to work
at the Sonic
or the casino.
Yeah.
I worked at Sonic for eight years.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
But I never thought, I never thought I'd be doing this.
Right.
This just kind of happened.
Me neither.
Really?
Never.
Yeah.
I thought I was going to be stealing old people's houses, which is what I wish
I was
doing, to be honest with you, because it's a better job.
Yeah.
Yeah, no.
It's a better job.
It's more longevity.
There's less, puts less miles on the body.
There's less travel.
I don't know how I ended up here because I totally thought I would.
Yeah.
I don't know, man.
It's wild.
My job was to call people like you and get you and your friends in Oklahoma to
buy houses,
like double wides on a foundation, and I would do the mortgages for them.
How easy was that?
It wasn't hard.
Really?
Because you would call places, and I'd be like, hey, do you want a house?
And they'd be like, what?
And I'd be like, you qualify for all this money.
And people did that.
People got it.
Yeah.
For many, many years.
It were many, many years.
And it's coming back.
The ARM loans are coming back, and we're proud because get an article up.
Please do something.
We're proud.
Well, here's the deal.
The interest rates are high.
Yeah.
And people are priced out of the market.
So they're now running these articles because Americans have very short
attention spans,
and they love, you know, man caves and pools and all the good stuff.
So what they're basically saying now is that the actual ARM loan, the ARM,
the adjustable-rate mortgage may need to make an appearance.
Wow.
Here we go.
Adjustable-rate mortgages have risks but can save you money,
and demand for them has tripled since January when the rates started creeping
up.
So everybody, back to square one.
That's what I say.
Life's nothing with a little bit of a gamble.
And see, that kind of an article, I'd just skip over.
I don't even know what any of those words mean.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would just click off.
Now, where do you live, the great Libby Higgins?
I live in St. Louis, Missouri now.
Fuck yeah.
And everybody says that's the next place.
No, no, I'm kidding.
No one has ever said that.
We're like, hmm.
Maybe someone said that in, like, early 1900s.
Yeah, that's probably.
But you're all headed to Nashville.
Nashville.
The center of the world.
Now, you love it down there.
Yeah.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah.
And you're building a compound.
We bought 100 acres.
I'm going to build a house, a podcast studio, a softball field.
I'm going to.
What about a roller rink?
Oh, God.
A roller rink.
This is the dream.
Yeah.
This is fucking awesome to hear.
106 acres.
Yep.
I'm going to pull up an old, just a single wide trailer.
Yeah.
I'm going to do it real nice.
That's going to be my movie set for Trailer Trash Tammy.
I'm going to film there.
I won't ever have to leave unless I, you know, want to go to Applebee's.
It's a great, it's a great idea to be, to be.
That's so ambitious to do, to want to build more than just a home.
You want to kind of build a community.
Yeah.
And I would love to do that.
The problem is I am surrounded by the most undeserving blood suckers.
I mean, the lowest of the low, the least talented, most dishonest, vengeful,
petty, vindictive,
untrustworthy scumbags.
Yeah.
Present company excluded, I guess.
Thank you.
So for me to even in my own mind, think about investing my time, my money, my
energy into
building a community that would only be populated by the, literally the worst
of the worst.
Just people, fleas, ticks, you know?
You just need to be on your own deserted island.
I just kind of like, I like a sparsely furnished cold house on a cul-de-sac
with a lot of other
newly developed houses where no one's really home and you don't know if it's a
government
testing facility or if it's an actual neighborhood.
I like a fake neighborhood where you go, is this a movie set?
I like something like that that feels like that.
A fake neighborhood.
Easy come, easy go.
Yeah.
You know?
What now, when you're living with grandma, grandma's not on meth.
No.
Okay.
But she was crazy.
Yes.
What do you mean by that?
What is that?
How do you even, how do you even discern that in Oklahoma?
Well, so I had two grandmas and so we would go back and forth.
Were they lesbians or just different sides of the family?
No.
And I was just about to say they were not lesbians.
Okay.
Because that did sound like they were lesbians.
I had two grandmas.
Which would have been cool, honestly.
Great sitcom would have been being made right now.
Yes.
They're lesbians and they're from Oklahoma.
Their kids are on meth, but they're fun.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Live with grandma, you know?
I don't know.
She was hard to live with.
She's still alive.
We don't have much of a, of a relationship.
Wow.
The whole, like what I do now, kind of weirds, weirds, weirded her out.
You mean succeed?
Yeah.
Well, because she was used to raising her kids and grandkids, you know, like.
But isn't this better what you're do