Name: Bobby Kelly | The Tim Dillon Show #322
Uploaded: 2022-11-06T01:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Kelly | The Tim Dillon Show #322' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Kelly | The Tim Dillon Show #322' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-06. Transcript available.

Bobby Kelly | The Tim Dillon Show #322

i wish you came to the thing i want you to come to the house i know it's far
from you
but come bring your family i have like five bedrooms come and just stay yeah on
the long
island yeah here's a pro i just got a great hot tub it's nice here's a problem
with that and that's
far dude it's not far it's the that highway yeah i know it's the highway of
death
it's the highway of death it's the saddest ever i mean you know louis has his
house
on shelter are we going we're recording okay yeah louis has his house on
shelter island i remember
when he first got he called me up when i just had max and he's like we're
having a big party
please come you can stay here and you can you can have the yacht you could stay
on the yacht he had
that beautiful teak yacht and i i was like i know like it was saturday it's
like summer i am not i
can't be in the car with a baby for six hours it's a it's a tough ride you need
to buy a helicopter
yeah it's a tough ride you need to get your own helicopter but that's the way
they like it because
they have that one road in and out oh yeah i know well i just i extended the
invite no dude i wanted to
go so bad i really like january it's it'll be fun it's like snowing i would
come out when nobody is
coming there but i'd come out on a thursday come out on a thursday i will not i
can't friday yeah i
think your party was on a saturday right it was labor day monday yeah it was
monday labor day weekend
and i told my wife i go listen tim and we both looked at each other like dude
there's no way i know
i thought yeah didn't aaron get a helicopter aaron and christine got a
helicopter what the
how it's i think it's cheap to rent them you can rent a helicopter yeah you
could take like an uber
but in a helicopter i love aaron but that's all that seems like it'd be a lot
of money well it's also
it didn't land at the house so he's got to tell everyone that he did it like he's
walking around the
party going i took a hey i took a helicopter like because otherwise it's you
just walked in like
everyone else yeah i love him too i love him but it's when he was on a
helicopter it didn't make me
want to go through his taxes yeah i was like how look i know you're i think it's
not that much how much
it's i think you could take a helicopter from new york city to the hamptons you
could rent it five
bills 1500 bucks dude 1500 bucks to go to a party it's a lot it's not a lot it's
outrageous i'm i
didn't i didn't tell him to do it i'm just saying it's i agree it's like what i
mean did you have
industry there were you giving away what were your party favors we had a great
spread of food right but
there was no industry what did you get um there was a mr softy truck that
pulled up i have that at my
party in westchester it cost 68 bucks in an uber from new york city yeah i have
i have i have jimmy
soft serve show up okay and you can get it every year at max's birthday party
you can get as much
as you want yeah root beer float you'll lose your mind well as much as you want
you you won i mean dude
you got me long island is a i mean it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a job it's
yeah it's a choice
yeah it's when you were like i i when you were like i'm having this party in
long island
it gave me it gave me like i felt sad like i was like i felt depressed what's
supposed to depress you
the party was kind of depressing why well because louis was there who i love
but i remember i like
he a couple years ago would have been at like jack nicholson's house but he was
hanging out with lewis
gomez and he was enjoying it and seeing that seeing him enjoy it that was what
made me go man it's tough
well dude i went louis you ever go to one of louis parties at his house no i
just became friends
with him in the last year i went to his house once he made me a steak dude he
threw i remember he one year
he invited us all over for thanksgiving norton me nick dapollo um dude uh it
was a oscar event yeah i
imagine it was all dude it was i think like four oscar winners yeah uh the guy
from scarface who got
thrown out of the helicopter what was his name i forget huge actor fame he
opened the door hello joan
rivers walks in daughter pose a parky with pose a posing parker posey parker
posey sorry i'm dyslexic
and stupid she was playing with max like tickling his feet crazy dude the
mother from the exorcist
yeah and who's the guy who died great actor uh kind of looks like you a little
bit maybe could be your
brother um he was in uh boogie nights chris penn no boogie nights gay guy tried
to kiss mark walberg i'm
blanking i suck too this sucks getting old because you can't tell stories i had
i had i had rosebud
baker mike feeney oh wow i mean wow i had you know dude um what the hell is his
name janice papas i love
these are people at the game i mean i don't know anyone that's at that level
you you do i mean louie well
louie's of course there and i know a few people but they would never come to a
party of mine like
they would text their fans of the podcast some really big actors that would
text me and go that
you're funny i don't think they'd ever come if you had a place in westchester
maybe they'd come yeah
you you should have went westchester i can i can sell this place you should
have went west if you go
westchester dude you got ryan reynolds up there yeah that's why i'm gonna live
there there's no beach
bobby we got the beach we got the seafood we got the long islands it's the
greatest place in the world
it's hack it's not it's the hack it's the greatest place in the world it's hack
and westchester's not
dude westchester is best chester dude i'm telling you right now dude i'm
telling you this is by the
way one of these geography fights we get in that every night no everybody hates
they're like no one can
relate but best chester dude you you go straight up the west side highway i
know 87 you there's so many
ways to get there dude will you live it's hack it's like cool stern stern seinfeld
i mean you can't get
i mean come on yeah it's flights i don't live near them let's clarify that let's
calm down let's relax
are you on the ocean are you mentally ill of course not what are you on i'm in
the woods it's nice though
it's okay so but i'm like i'm like 10 12 minutes from a beach i'm yeah i don't
like the beach i don't
like the ocean i i mean that's you're entitled to that opinion i i'm a lake guy
i like a lake lakes
are garbage and they're for trash yeah they are bobby dude lakes are for men
lakes are for men for
for poor men no it's disgusting bobby the oceans are for men wailing bobby
being on a ship and killing a
whale dude yeah that's for savages dude savages i'll tell you what oceans are
for
are for very rich people elite and the whitest of white people okay number one
that's not true but
number two i don't hear any bad things yet dude okay the first of all when the
there's no hurricanes on
lakes there's no tsunamis there's no good okay you've got a point now yeah
every time there's a goddamn
weather every time god sneezes you got to batten down the hatches because your
house is going to
be wiped away that is my friend her house in florida just gone yeah lake goes
up and down a little bit
you're done but and there's nothing that will kill you you go to the ocean it's
always cold as up in
the northeast yeah and then sharks shark i mean dude great white sharks there's
an app that i have on my
phone that tracks all the great white sharks and you know where a lot of them
are long island they do
but you know what a lot of them don't with people yeah they don't are you nuts
they just don't
with it doesn't matter if you get with or not but they're there what do you
think would
happen if we put a great white shark in a lake do you think he'd be disgusted
immediately and go like
where am i die right away can't live in fresh water yeah he'd be like this is
he'd kill himself what
are you gonna do you got turtles and you got large mouth maybe a pickerel the
idea of a lake is amazing
here's what i will agree with you on the idea of a lake is like really
beautiful like a a placid
not you know like a like a a still lake in the morning you god i i get that but
a lot of lakes are
just drunks with the beer boat you know what i'm talking about you're talking
about the shitty lakes
like i'm i'm talking up in westchester like lake havasu's disgusting animals it's
garbage yeah
these are garbage people yeah but that's a dead lake i mean that's the dude i
was like yeah it's garbage
okay thank you it's it's where trash people go that's right to to die yes it's
garbage it's just
boats hooked up to other boats that's what i'm talking about chicks with their
asses out they get drunk
it's dangerous i i get scared every time i go to the hardy cove i've i've been
to that lake and it
it frightens me thank you because there's so many people but i'm talking the
northeast i'm talking
civilized people you might be right you're turning me now kayaks yeah you're
turning me okay a swimming
dock now you're turning me okay uh uh you know the foliage this there's a
beautiful lake ups i skating you
can't i skate on the ocean saranac lake and there's a old rockefeller retreat
there i'm no okay i'm
i'm you're you're you're starting to turn me a little bit on this you take a
hike on a trail it's
beautiful i do want to i do want to just for the for a minute say that i i want
you to give the ocean
another chance because it is i can't you can't open your eyes in the water it's
powerful you jump in a
lake you can open your eyes some of them you don't have to shower lake austin
what's what's lake austin
it is the color of there's a um a donkey kong country get this up there's a
level in donkey kong
country and they swim in the water and i don't know the name of it um and it's
lake austin does not look
like any of this by the way it is a green the color of algae green yeah yeah
that's and it's
grotesque i bring up squam lake squam bring up squam lake the hampshire this is
the lake i'm talking
about squam lake is the lake that on golden pond was filmed on okay look at
that okay i gotta be honest
look at that all right click that little red hut there look at look at look at
the little red hut
i gotta be honest with you this that is yeah i kayak past that that is
beautiful that's america
that's quiet all right that's quiet it's a nice mix of of rich uh go to howard
stern house and hit
image no i'm kidding no listen i agree with you in that if this is what we're
talking about i thought
you were talking about like you know look at that yeah it's beautiful look at
that little sandbar no
you're right you're right look at that that's sand that's clean i know that i
know i mean that's five
seconds away from drinking well let's not get hysterical yeah you look great
you feel great i feel
fantastic you're happy i'm happy and and why um i i have aids and i have four
months to lay and it's almost
over and i don't have to plug my podcast or go on instagram anymore in around
three and a half months how
great would it be to die as a straight man with a family to just die of full-blown
aids full-blown aids
and i never and you they still wouldn't give you a special no i wouldn't get it
still even if you
went into hbo and you're like i have i don't even have hiv it's full-blown yeah
i'm dying in six months
and i've never done anything gay yeah and they'd be like we don't believe you
first of all and then
second of all yeah yeah dude i can it'd be great it would i have you ever
thought about like getting
injured like been in a car and be like dude if i get in a car accident right
now and i don't want to
get hurt like where i'm dead or i'm going to be messed up but like like a six
month eight month hip
injury yes or i have to learn how to walk again right i just could be out of
the business i could
just take a break yes and people would be like we get it nobody but because we
do the podcasts people
would always expect unless you are completely dead they would always expect a
nurse to hol