Name: Ari Shaffir | The Tim Dillon Show #323
Uploaded: 2022-11-14T02:57:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ari Shaffir | The Tim Dillon Show #323' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ari Shaffir | The Tim Dillon Show #323' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-14. Transcript available.

Ari Shaffir | The Tim Dillon Show #323

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dylan show in new york city i'm i was
here to do a show
in philly which was great thank you to everybody for coming out to parks
casino and i'm at the miami improv november 17th through the 19th and this is
our final guest of
the year the rest are we're we're we're back to solo episodes but we wanted to
get you in
ari shafir thanks buddy tell the truth park casino full of fat disgusting
people though right
um the casino people are like gutter the people that came my tracy fat tracy
okay hosted the show
she brought in yeah four or five women after the show to take a photo one woman
had a gold chain
like the one mr t used to wear oh tied around her fupa
i mean the most disgusting but you know i'm sure the rest of the audience was
lovely but
that one woman i mean it was wild but but but full of life oh no they're having
a good time they're
having a good time they're out in a casino yeah in their 11.99 meals you're
special i have had three
different people call me and go this thing is so fucking good oh hell yeah it's
amazing you worked on
it for five years it has a theme the theme is jews the theme is taken over the
theme is jews it couldn't
be more relevant right now um feel like people just discovered us because of
kanye put us over yeah
the way p diddy would do with mace yeah why did you want to do an hour about
the most hated group of
people on earth i'd like to stir the pot i guess that's a good question uh i
went to edinburgh they
all do these dumb fucking theme hours and they're so bad at it yeah they always
get serious for so
long well it's always like uh an hour is like i was misgendered at a fruit
stand yeah or somebody's
doing it from a treadmill the whole time or it's just like some weird thing i
was misgendered it's
the end of my life right someone in a text thread called me retarded and that's
an hour yeah it's an
hour about this one nothing moment they always should have overpushed the drama
and you get miss
pat who just skates by her rape you don't even like wait what did she just say
yeah she was hit
with a dump truck yeah and she doesn't even really dwell on it well the dump
truck didn't do farewell
right it's a good point yeah what what what was it about were you just like i
wanna how jewish even
are you i don't even think of you is that you look very jewish but i don't
think of you as a
committed jew i'm out that's the deal i'm out i'm not committed at all i don't
give a about those
people i do i care about them a little bit but like you have to cultural that's
it i look for bargains
yeah little things you can't shake you know from your childhood you must see
like a you know
construction company and you go oh i could own that yeah i mean my i know my
people are irish so i feel
a kinship with my people 100 percent i'm not like lying on long island a long
island i feel a kinship
with criminals and people that do prescription drugs yeah contractors no but i
feel people
the people that you grew up around are the people that you love yeah yeah yeah
yeah that's what it is
so i just wanted to show everybody what they were and what are they they're
they're just like everybody
else just that's not true they're better we value education yeah we're not born
intelligent it might be
genetic let's be honest there's no there's not many studies on it but we are
smarter aren't the iqs of
ashkenazi jews very high extremely high i mean is that any surprise no no woody
allen wrote his own
movies a lot of these guys just take on someone else's project you think michael
bay even knows how to
write no he doesn't he just has special effects yeah we're extremely
intelligent we value education
we stick to ourselves we you know raise our kids right when you hear kanye
throw out all these things
it's collusion the people they're working together against the others
do you understand at all where he comes from yeah we help ourselves we all went
to like jewish like
dentists and stuff right you know it's just like you know support support this
is what killer mike
says about black people right how come we don't support each other's business
so we're like yeah we
know we figured it out there seems to be a tough relationship between jewish
music executives and
black performers yeah here's why we designed everything they do that do rag
that 50 cent had that's jew
designed really we choose all that they run it by us and then we chose what
will we do market research
and we just figure out what's the best milly vanilla it was all jews who were
singing this stuff
right we we've just like planned it but we know we're not cool looking
and also yeah we kill it in the in the management industry you know why
why comedy managers and agents are jews why why the the wreck because you need
to be having some
funneling your money the first three years you're not making any money right
who else could afford
that only rich right no well this that's good follow your dream these are all
good things good things
but here's the thing also yeah because i grew up with jews yeah on long island
oh there's tons whom
i love yeah loud they're a little loud obnoxious complaining for sure complainers
yeah but you need
in an area where there are no jews and italians there's no good food because
wasps yeah will not
complain because they don't want to look a waiter in the eye yeah because they
feel so above them
they don't even complain a jewish person will we'll go back there yes we'll go
back there hey no
no no no right so switch it yeah absolutely i was at the galapagos and the guy
was like uh i mentioned
i was jewish he goes is that like israeli i'm like yeah sure he goes i've had
three israelis
to hear and they just go to the kitchen they just go and cook themselves stuff
in our right and i'm
like yeah yeah why would we wait why is there so much anti-semitism it's kind
of like where people
hate the patriots right they win they win right yeah no one hates cambodians
no i'm kidding i don't even know you know yeah yeah there is a lot i saw brian
holtzman you know
holtzman right of course he's talking about jewish lady in the front row what
are you jewish
she goes yeah he goes why does everybody hate you yeah she goes i don't know he
goes hey you think
you'd ask if everybody hated me yeah i might ask is the hour about being a jew
all of it being a jew
what judaism is the laws the history the bible stories where does judaism come
from i'm genuinely
curious who was the first jew good question i guess abraham right yeah yeah abraham
was prompt yeah
abraham was the first jew before that everybody was equal do you know you go to
heaven without even
having to do what we do well you don't believe in heaven i don't jews don't jews
no we believe in
heaven we don't believe in hell oh purgatory we got purgatory only i'm a christian
which is a perfected
jew because jesus came and coulter said that once oh jesus came and said i'm
dying for your sins
and you guys said we're gonna did you guys do it or did the romans kill jesus
who killed jesus we don't
get our hands dirty right it's a good point yeah who you know who built the
deck oh i built the deck in
my house i built a new no mexicans did it when you go to israel do you feel a kinship
do you feel
good because when i go to dublin ireland i go yeah i see i everyone looks like
a potato i get it
pasty face yeah yeah yeah for sure they're so much tougher there though yeah
they're living in the
on the edge all the time you've been there ever never you got to do one of
those obviously you're
too dirty to go on one of those gigs i am too what are the they're living on
the edge because of
what war any moment there's going to be a bombing where tech you know tel aviv
the settlement israel yeah i
haven't heard about this the middle east they're so calm i heard an old prime
minister or whatever
he said what's the problem in the middle east he goes america's looking at it
like oh we'll trade
you some land for peace whatever and he goes you know gold or whatever whatever
you don't want to
do to trade he goes there they're operating on a different thing they go our
god told us to kill you
right you can't really negotiate how do you fix that and i won't hold you to
this but like
many people say kill them all right i don't right you mean and them all you
mean the palestinians
they both think the same way right yeah yeah yeah they're both like yeah well
who's that have you
them all have you gone to the gaza strip no i go by there they they do they
used to take you on buses
like armed cars like you know bars in the windows rocks would start throwing at
you it was crazy it's the
freaking front lines yeah it's 20 years ago last time i went to like places
like that but is it fair
what israel did no no it's terrible that's terrible dude those people live poor
i mean it comes from a
place there's like real war we took them over from from jordan and jordan's
like we don't want them
right like come get your refugees back like nah they're your problem now
imagine if mexico attacked
and we drove them back you know 50 yards and we're like all right well these
are all yours mexico's like
nah it's taking all those t1s yeah it's a difficult thing yeah because it's
best not to think about it
bury your head in the sand is the best one one viewpoint is the viewpoint that
i have which is i don't
i don't care that's me i'm unaffected yeah and i don't know how to fix it i don't
have any opinion
on how to fix it yeah that's the viewpoint that's the viewpoint and it's like
homelessness and the
people are like well how would you fix them like i'm not in charge of that
right what the i don't know
here's a lot get a home you nut i mean these people without homes it's insane
yeah you want to
live in manhattan so bad you can't live here the prices are too high haven't
you seen the movies
where people are in a house with a fire doesn't that look better than that tent
you're not they're
goons you think the first person to give them a tent be like oh i have an idea
of an old tent
i'll give it to like they didn't used to i don't even believe these people are
homeless i think they're
just making a point what's the point they they're like i don't know they want
to be special
outlaws they want to be special so they're like oh i live in a tent you're like
we get it but it's
not even special anymore everybody's doing it it's like paying it to alanis the
first year i get it
yeah i'm sick of homelessness i won't tolerate it i won't tolerate any
discussion of it i will
pretend it doesn't exist until i am homeless very soon you ever go to another
city where homeless is new
and and then some homeless guy will come up and talk to you just like ignore
him and keep talking
people like how do you do that yeah oh practice oh yeah i'm a pro at it now la's
got 40 000 homeless
people is that true they're a voting block they have a kansas city of homeless
in la but you ignore
it they don't vote they don't vote no you should buy their votes at swings
swing places didn't they do
that they're all they have ticks and they're they won't show up and they're foaming
at the mouth
they're all on fentanyl yeah if they organize that's probably their biggest
problem though they're not
organized there's got to be a few sober homeless people that are like man i'm
really missing out
they have weed homeless in la they don't hang out with the heroin homeless
interesting yeah they're
like now those people how are you homeless from getting high those dabs bro i
mean damn that was
a strong edible yeah you're homeless for smoking weed i just forgot to keep
forgetting to pay the rent
what a embarrassing thing to say let's go from dude i went to rehab for percocet
and i was embarrassed
because everybody else was like oxys you went to rehab for percocet yeah heroin
how good is percocet
it's amazing but it was gay like when i was in there everybody's like i'm an oxy
cotton addict i'm a
heroin addict i'm a crackhead and i'm like i do