Name: The Christmas Episode | The Tim Dillon Show #328
Uploaded: 2022-12-25T02:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Christmas Episode | The Tim Dillon Show #328' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Christmas Episode | The Tim Dillon Show #328' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-25. Transcript available.

The Christmas Episode | The Tim Dillon Show #328

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Merry Christmas.
It's our holiday extravaganza episode.
I, of course, celebrate Kwanzaa,
but for today, I'm making an exception,
and we have all of this.
I am Jewish.
I am Jewish and Muslim, but for this, for today,
As-salamu alaykum, and oy, whatever Jews do.
But Jewish people are celebrating Hanukkah,
but today I am taking part in the commercial holiday of Christmas.
The birth of Christ, our white savior, Lord,
who was born in Palestine, the only white guy in Palestine.
He was born there.
He was white, and he showed everybody how to make money,
and that's the story of Christ in a nutshell.
And listen, wherever you are and whatever you're doing,
many people are listening to this right now in an airport
because their flight has been delayed.
This is true.
This is crazy.
We have a major winter storm that is battering pretty much coast to coast,
outside of where I am in California and a few other states.
The vast majority of the states in America are being completely deluged with
snow.
Travel conditions have become untenable for people.
They cannot get to where they're going.
So you might be listening to this in an airport because your flight has been
delayed.
You might be listening to it.
You might be on the road now, and you've been on the road for several hours.
You may be listening to it.
You may have already gotten into an accident,
and the car is careened to the side of the road,
and you're waiting for the jaws of life to come open the car and get you out,
but this is still playing on the radio in the car,
and you're just kind of hoping that your neck isn't broken
as you wait for these fucking hourly employee EMTs
who they couldn't give a shit less about you.
They have to come in now and do the jaws of life
and rip you out of the car
and bring you to some type of hospital.
God help you.
God help you.
But it's bad out there.
Live winter storm updates.
At least one dozen deaths blamed on weather.
More than a million power outages.
That sucks.
I mean, we're talking thousands of flights are done.
In Ohio, dozens of vehicles were involved in a pileup
that killed at least four.
Fucking A.
That is a shitty way to start the holidays,
to be in a pileup.
It sucks,
but this is the risk you take
when you go see your family.
And that's why I've always advised,
you know, being cautious.
Do a cost-benefit.
Do you need,
can you see them later?
Can you see them another time?
If the conditions,
look at these conditions,
don't stay home.
If the conditions are epic,
if they're biblical,
you don't need to see your Aunt Janet.
You can see her,
see her FaceTimer,
go on Face,
the things that people
are participating in
to get to their families
are killing them.
I understand that it's nice
to see your family on Christmas.
I'm a fan of that.
I support that.
But not if there's a chance you'll die.
If you look outside
and the snow
is at your window,
if you have to work on your car
for an hour
to get it to the point
where you can get on the road,
stay home.
Don't kill yourself.
People are dead
in a pileup now.
And they were just
on their way to Christmas.
And now they're dead
because they were,
they didn't think
safety first.
I'm telling you,
you're going to regret it out there
if you do something stupid.
You know,
don't get on a snowmobile
and end up in a fucking,
you know,
like in some type of
hellish nightmare.
I'm,
I'm,
I'm telling you right now,
I know a lot of you
want to see your family
and I support that.
Buffalo,
I have a friend in Buffalo.
Buffalo is a very,
it's a very bleak
and sad part of New York.
It's on the northern end
of New York State
on the border of Canada.
They used to have
a lot of factories
there
and people there.
I mean,
it was always kind of sad,
but all the factories
left Buffalo
and they went to other countries.
And the people that live
in Buffalo now
are destitute,
sad,
poor,
depressed,
they're on drugs.
And my friend of mine
lived there
and he had
two home invasions
in his house
and I swear to God,
he said,
the third one I'm leaving.
He goes,
the third I'm done
because literally twice
someone came in his house
to say,
I want what you have
and he doesn't have anything.
So Buffalo is just destitute.
It's very,
very sad
and to make matters worse
and Buffalo is of course
where they have
the Buffalo wing.
That's where they invented
the Buffalo wing,
which is,
we appreciate that,
but that can be gotten
anywhere now.
So Buffalo's fucked.
Now to add insult
to injury,
Buffalo,
it gets some
of the largest snowfalls.
So not only
is that everyone
on Oxycontin
and it's,
not only is everybody
a blue-lipped
fentanyl addict,
not only is it scary,
not only does everybody
have no money,
not only is it bleak,
not only is it disgusting
and gray,
there's no real green,
not only is,
you know,
it's just a bad place
to live,
but you also have
so much snow
that gets dumped
on Buffalo.
They're saying right now,
according to the weather service,
Buffalo reported
a daily snowfall
of 22 inches Friday.
Almost doubling
the old record
of 12 inches
set in 1976.
So this is the most snow
this hellhole,
Buffalo,
has ever seen.
23,
it's almost as if
God's trying to kill it
once and for all.
20,
as he should.
22 inches Friday.
1.9 inches of rain
just to make some sleet,
some sludge,
some black ice.
In Buffalo,
this storm will likely
at least jump
near the top of the list
of worst blizzards
in the city's history,
if not the worst.
Four to six feet of snow
will fall by Sunday,
coupled with wind gusts
approaching hurricane force
75 miles an hour
or greater
to create enormous drifts
and impossible travel.
I spoke to my friend
up there in Buffalo.
They have shut
the highways down.
They have shut
the highways down
because it is so treacherous
to leave your home.
So get the Narcan ready
because that's,
you're not getting your,
if you OD,
and you will,
have the Narcan
in the house ready
to revive
your cousin,
brother,
or sister
when she checks out
during dinner.
When she starts
to foam at the mouth,
these are the signs,
she gets real quiet,
she has that look
in her eyes,
you start to see
the blue ring
around her mouth,
and she starts to foam
when everybody else
is going,
these potatoes are good.
When she careens over
and falls on the floor,
you get the Narcan out,
and you do the spritz,
and she's back,
and you go,
you're back,
welcome back,
Merry Christmas,
you smack about,
because you can't
get on the highways
because of the snow.
Every family
should have a Narcan.
Now,
you don't know
who's going to OD.
I have cousins
that used to be
on heroin.
You don't know
what's going to happen.
We didn't know
what was going to happen
when my cousin
went into the bathroom.
We didn't know
if she was going to come out
with a knife.
We didn't know
what was happening.
So everybody,
it just has to be careful,
especially in Buffalo,
which is,
it's a horrible place anyway,
really.
And I have fans there,
and the people
that are listening
to this agree with me.
None of my fans
are in Buffalo going,
no,
you haven't seen
the good part of it.
There is none.
No,
you haven't seen
the part that's good.
You haven't seen
the good areas
of Buffalo.
But take weather
seriously,
folks.
You must.
You have to.
The weather will kill you,
and it'll kill your family.
You have to watch out.
I was reading about
these brain-eating
amoebas now
that are in all the lakes.
Brain-eating amoebas
are killing children
in fresh water,
especially hot fresh water
in places like Texas,
Arizona,
Nevada,
and the brain-eating amoeba
is swimming up your nose,
and I was reading about this,
and this was in the late summer.
This happens,
and you got to be
very careful about this,
and it's rare.
It's rare,
but it happens.
It happens.
You're swimming
in a freshwater lake
or pond
or something like that.
Here's what happens.
The brain-eating amoeba
swims up your nostrils.
This is true.
This is a fact.
Somewhere,
maybe a few days later,
maybe the next day,
you get a little bit
of a headache
and a stiff neck,
and you're like,
what's that about?
Day after that,
you feel even worse.
A couple of days after that,
you cannot move.
You're taken to the hospital.
You die.
Within a few days,
death comes for you
because of the brain-eating amoeba,
and you have to be very careful,
and in Texas,
they don't even care.
Like, they told people
that the brain-eating amoeba
is in the water supply,
and they're like,
well,
hails, Bill.
You better figure it out
because they don't care.
And someone died.
There was a poor little kid,
and he was at like a splash park in Texas.
See, in Texas,
when it gets hot,
they have these little places
where kids can go splash around,
and some of them have
the brain-eating amoeba,
and it goes in the kid's nose,
and then the kid's brain swells
and explodes its head.
And then the people in Texas are like,
well, you better get your fat straight.
The brain-eating amoeba
in Gulf Coast County
is scientifically known
as Negliera Fowley
and thrives in warm, fresh waters.
Lakes, rivers, hot springs.
I mean, it's...
I'm just saying,
and we're a long way
from the summer here.
I'm just saying...
I'm saying nature's a problem.
That's why I got on this rant.
Nature's an issue,
and if you doubt that,
I'm telling you,
you could die.
You gotta be very careful.
I'm not saying don't ever swim,
but I'm saying, like,
buy a house on the beach.
In Palm Beach or something
for, like, $60 or $80 million
so that you can swim in the salt water.
It's not a big deal.
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I want to speak about,
well, number one,
I want to talk about giving gifts
because I'm only getting gifts
for a few people,
very few,
almost none,
and my godson,
I'm getting him a gift.
He's Chinese.
We're doing tomorrow.
We're doing a traditional Chinese Christmas
for him
where we will speak
and strategize
about the reunification
of China with Taiwan
because he believes,
my godson is two,
but he believes strongly
in one China.
And so that's what we're doing.
But these are the new toys.
I'm not buying for real children.
I don't have really nieces or nephews.
None of my cousins have procreated.
Thank the lord.
But so I don't really,
so I'm out of the,
I don't know what people are buying, right?
You know,
I remember when it was like,
tickle me Elmo and whatever.
But I want to know
what are the hottest toys this year
for the children.
It's something that you want,
it's because it's culture
and it matters.
And so now they have a toy trend expert
and we're going to go through
some of these toys
to see what they say
about where we're at as a people.
Magic Mixie's Magical Misting Crystal Ball
is a toy.
Magic Mixie's 