Name: Flood The Rich | The Tim Dillon Show #331
Uploaded: 2023-01-15T02:23:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Flood The Rich | The Tim Dillon Show #331' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Flood The Rich | The Tim Dillon Show #331' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-15. Transcript available.

Flood The Rich | The Tim Dillon Show #331

Folks, if you want to see me live, we are at Coachella tonight.
No one's coming to that because it's fucking storming
and it's in the middle of nowhere, and it's January.
But then we're Reno, Nevada, Saturday, January 21st.
Then we are in Oxnard, California, my favorite place.
Oxnard, January 27th, 28th to 29th.
Raleigh, North Carolina, the 9th through the 11th.
Tucson, Arizona on the 16th of February.
Phoenix, Arizona, the 17th through the 19th of February.
Monterey, California, the 23rd, if it still exists.
Vancouver, Canada on the 24th.
Napa, California on the 25th.
One of my favorites, Palm Beach, Florida, the 9th through the 11th of March.
Inglewood, New Jersey, April 13th.
Huntington, New York at the Paramount, the 14th.
New Brunswick, New Jersey, the 15th.
And Sunday, April 16th, Huntington, New York.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show
from Storm Ravage, California.
We bring you a message right now from the leader of California,
our leader, we bring you a message from her.
She is in distress.
So, Montecito is under complete evacuation the entire town.
This is a five-year anniversary from the fire and lights lights that killed
so many people and people lost their homes.
Now, what you don't know here, what you don't know is Ellen is doing this with
her mind.
She's making these waters rage with her mind.
This is a trick she does.
This is something that's actually rather impressive.
She's actually creating all these conditions herself and then standing outside.
She uploaded this video in Montecito.
Many of the...
Montecito is an area two hours north of California.
I'm sorry, Los Angeles in the Santa Barbara.
Montecito is a very elite part of Santa Barbara where a lot of wealthy people
live,
like Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres, and Harry and Meghan were living there for a
period.
And this is the area that got hit the hardest.
Now, obviously, Los Angeles had some flooding, and there were some small mudslides,
and boulders were on the street, and they closed some roads,
and there were some issues in people's yards where they...
You know, if you live on a hill sometimes...
I was talking to my landscaper.
She said one of her clients, part of someone else's yard fell,
just went right into that person's pool.
So if someone is above you and they don't have a retaining wall,
their earth slides down into your pool.
So my landscaper is figuring that out.
Ellen DeGeneres, though, is upset about this as a long-time resident of Montecito.
She's out there.
We'll watch the rest of this video.
This is some type of...
Behind her is a creek, some type of river that is flooding.
What's happening in California now, you think you know someone.
You think you're used to what the problems could be,
and I've lived here on and off for four years,
and what I've noticed is that, you know,
the population here is very, very accustomed to fires,
so too accustomed to it.
Like, you drive down a highway, and it's on fire, and no one cares.
Like, people are so comfortable with fires in this state because they happen
all the time.
That literally three houses away will be on fire,
and people in their backyard go,
that's there, that's down there, we're not going to go nuts.
People will see fire happening in their neighborhoods and not leave.
They won't evacuate because they will literally tell you,
well, for the fire to come up here, it would have to go around that.
People are so comfortable with flames and fire and droughts.
We all have been accustomed to the drought.
Who cares?
It doesn't affect anyone.
There's still water.
There's a lot of water.
You can shower.
You can drink bottles of water.
Everyone has a bottle of water.
Nobody is not hydrated because of this drought.
We buy water from Lake Mead or from, you know, wherever we're stealing the
water from,
wherever we're buying it from, we have water.
We're not, now people keep saying we have less and less water.
It's going to be more of a problem.
There are now governors on the, how much you can use your sprinkler system.
So the lawns of Beverly Hills and Bel Air, God help us, are getting a little
brown.
And a lot of people have switched out their grass for turf because it doesn't
need to be watered.
And some people are getting rid of grass in general and doing a sand kind of
rock garden cactus thing that looks fine.
So everybody's accustomed to droughts.
Everybody's accustomed to fire.
People get it.
Shit burns down.
That's okay.
Nobody's really, I mean, there are instances where people burn up in their
houses because they're up until the last minute,
they're not convinced they should leave.
But the one thing that nobody has really dealt with here is flooding.
And, and, and, you know, excess of rain.
And I don't want to hear about droughts anymore.
If we can't use the rain now, people go, well, we don't even, the water that
comes in, we don't even know how to use it.
They go, we don't know how to use it.
It's filthy.
It's, we just got to, you know, it's like, well, here's the water for the
drought.
Figure it out.
You can't, in two weeks, they're going to start talking about a drought again.
But this has in, in the positives of this is that the lakes and the rivers of
California, their levels are, are, are higher.
I don't know what that means.
I don't know if it means we're out of the drought.
I don't think it does.
So, so you get, you get the worst of all worlds, whereas you'll still in a
drought, but it's flooding, but it's a drought.
And I've lived here and I, I'll tell you the weather is never what it's been,
it's never sold as, you know, it's not accurate weather.
It's not tropical weather.
It's not Florida.
It's cold.
It's desert.
It's, it's hot during the day and cold at night.
It's weirdly overcast in a lot of the beach communities.
There's this layer of gloom, this oceanic layer.
And if it's not hot enough, the sun will not pierce it and it'll just be kind
of bleak and gray and gloomy.
It's not what you think it is here, but it's never been quite this bad.
This is a new level of a bad for California where people are like, you know,
getting like tragic shit's going on.
Like people are, a kid was like swept away on, like, I don't even know how that
happens.
He's like, like his parents, something tragically happened where he ended up
getting swept.
I mean, this is like biblical shit.
And, um, nobody's prepared for this except Ellen who created it.
Let's watch the, the end of her little plea.
Five year out of Earth Creek.
We are having unprecedented rain.
This creek next to our house never closed, ever.
Probably about nine feet up.
And we should go another two feet up.
We have horses ready to evacuate.
Um, we need to be nicer to Mother Nature.
Because Mother Nature is not happy with us.
That's all for our part.
Stay safe, everybody.
Now, Ellen brings up a good point.
That we need to be nicer to Mother Nature.
Now, get up Ellen's real estate portfolio.
Because it's very important to always think about your actions in relation to
the balance of the world.
Like the Na'vi in Avatar.
Um, so let me just read this, uh, first, um, first, uh, sentence here in the
article.
Uh, this is, uh, uh, uh, Ellen DeGeneres and her wife, Portia DeRossi.
The title of this article in Architectural Digest is Inside Ellen DeGeneres and
Portia DeRossi's Endless Real Estate Portfolio.
Endless is the word.
In 2022 alone, the couple purchased four properties and sold three.
And Ellen has a, Ellen's house in Montecito.
Get, get that up.
Because she's got a mid-century modern in Montecito.
Here's the thing with Ellen.
She always makes really good real estate choices.
They're always pretty fucking dope.
And they're stunning.
And so she's got this house in Montecito.
She paid 21, I believe it's $21 million for it.
Uh, oh, sorry.
Ellen DeGeneres sells Bali-inspired Montecito property for $33 million.
I wonder how big it, it's a 9.3 acre compound.
Now let's see how big that is in square footage.
If we can find the square footage on that.
Um, we know it's 9.3 acres.
I wonder how big it is.
But I don't know what Ellen means.
I understand when she goes, we should be nicer to Mother Nature.
But, you know, she owns tens of thousands of square feet.
Of real estate that needs to be heated and cooled.
All the time.
I mean, this is, you know, this is not like, she doesn't own like a bungalow.
She owns a lot of property.
And I own houses.
There's nothing wrong with owning houses.
Not as big as hers.
But, you know, it's nice to say, um, she's got a 4,000 square foot property.
But this is not, there's no way that that's the one that sold for $33 million.
I would be shocked.
Um, what does she mean by that?
Be nicer to Mother Nature.
I mean, it's like a nice thing to say.
But I don't know what she means by that.
Maybe she knows Mother Nature.
Like, maybe she knows these gods and she has a personal beef with Mother Nature.
You know, I mean, I don't know.
It's, it's, um, it's possibly something that, you know, is happening in a realm
that we don't know.
So she's got, you know, about 11,000 square feet.
She's got, um, four bedrooms, 10 bathrooms, and about 11,000 square feet.
It's the sprawling property comprising 18,000 square foot main house and a 10,000
square foot guest house.
Um, and, and so this is, um, so this is one of her properties.
That we're looking at between the guest house and the main house, about 30,000
square feet of real estate that Ellen has.
And God bless.
I mean, but again, it's like, you'd, you'd be, you'd wonder what being nicer to
Mother Nature would mean if you had 30,000 square feet of real estate for one
of your homes.
Just one of your homes.
Get up some more, um, examples of how bad this has gotten in California.
This has gotten really bad.
Um, kayakers are paddling, uh, in Santa Barbara and Montecito.
And with Santa Barbara is where really wealthy people go when they're kind of
through with LA and they're bigger than LA.
They don't need to be here.
They go up to Santa Barbara and they go up to Montecito.
And it's not right that they have to deal with this to be, to be honest with
you.
It's actually not right because they've made it out.
They've gotten out of Los Angeles.
They're away from the homeless.
They're up in their hamlet.
They're in this small little beautiful kind of country, idyllic coastal country
town with their $33 million, uh, 30,000 square foot home.
And, uh, you know, it's ugly.
They're closing highways.
People are dying.
The death toll of this storm, I think the last time I checked was at 12.
12 people had died in the California storm.
Um, and it's not a dignified death.
17 are now dead.
It's not a dignified death.
Dying in California in a fire makes sense.
Dying in a flood is stupid.
It's like silly.
And it's like crazy to even admit.
People that, that, you know, are affected by this don't even want to tell
people how you died.
Um, massive Los Angeles sinkhole swallows two vehicles, but they rescued the
passengers.
The earth is opening up.
Big holes are opening up in the middle of the street.
Cars are falling in.
And how dumb do you really have to be to fall into a sinkhole unless you, it
literally opens as you're on it.
But people in this state are so dumb.
They might just, they're not paying attention.
And they literally just dry.
It's a big hole.
And they just, and they go right in.
I don't know if that's what happened.
But, um, it is unfortunately, uh, you know, led to death and fatality.
People are dropping like flies.
We've got 17 people dead.
Um, which is crazy.
And, you know, the hope is that, um, you know, that this, uh, the rain stops.
Because if the rain doesn't stop, LA is, all these places, these are dirt hills.
They're not really mountains.
These are dirt hills that everybody lives on.
My house is on a dirt hill.
And if it gets too wet, all the houses slide off the hills and they slide into
the canyon.
Um, and that's not what you'd want.
Um, but that's a little weather update here.
And, you know, we hope, but play this.
Derek