Name: The Tim Dillon Show #332
Uploaded: 2023-01-22T03:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Tim Dillon Show #332' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Tim Dillon Show #332' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-22. Transcript available.

The Tim Dillon Show #332

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here. Very exciting.
I just tipped a woman $41 in Starbucks.
Remember that Bruce Springsteen song 41 Shots that he did
when Amadou Diallo was shot by the police?
41 Shots.
All of Bruce's fans, I was at his concert once,
I don't know, 99, 2000 something,
and all of the Long Island fans and pretty much everyone,
they all went for like a cigarette during that song
because that was the big like, hey, the cop should stop shooting black people
song.
And as soon as he was like, 41 Shots, everybody was like, ugh.
Everybody was like, let's go get a beer.
And then they came back when it was, you know,
born in the USA or something they didn't understand.
But I tried, and the reason was I gave her a $50 bet.
I'm not saying I'm a good person. I don't do this a lot,
but I do tip people well.
But, and I don't do crazy stuff.
Like, I'm not, you know, I'm not the, you know,
David Dobrik used to go and give people Lamborghinis and stuff.
And, you know, somebody was in, it was mired in debt.
And he was like, here's a car you don't know how to drive.
And it's worth more than, you know, it's like the craziest thing.
But YouTubers do it all the time.
They're like, hey, today I'm going to give my parents money.
You know, and they would go like, here with mom and dad,
I paid off your house.
And the mom would cry.
I've never done that.
I'm not doing that.
I'm not, what am I going to do?
Buy the mental institution that my mother lives in?
I'm going to go back to the lunatic asylum that she's in
and go, surprise mom, guess what I did?
I bought the mental institution that you live in.
What?
You know this place?
I bought it.
I got in bed with a shady healthcare company.
We're taking money from the government.
We're doing some Medicare fraud, but the good news is you get a slightly bigger
room.
I mean, no.
So there's no, what am I going to do?
She's in.
She's in the clink.
I didn't, you know, I didn't design her brain, but it's malfunctioned.
And so I never, and my father is doing fine.
I love him.
We speak.
He's doing great.
He doesn't need anything.
These people on Long Island don't need anything.
Him and his wife have a lovely life.
They drink wine, they have dogs, they walk, they boat, they, it's good.
It's good.
If I showed up and paid off their mortgage, they'd be angry with me.
They'd think it was some kind of scam.
They'd be like, who do you think you are?
How did you get our information?
Like, no, but you can't do anything good for anyone where I'm from in Long
Island.
It doesn't work.
It only puts you at odds with them long term.
So this woman who is a portly, a larger woman, which now that I'm working with
a trainer,
and I've worked with a trainer for two days, and I'm on the MyFitness, you know,
the fitness pal.
It's not always a pal, because it'll tell you some hard truths, but you put the
thing, you know, if you eat a, if you breathe, you have to put it in two
breaths, and it calculates, you know, shitting.
You know, you go, shit, shit, you know, whatever it is.
You don't do that.
But you put it in, if you eat like a churro, you have to put it, you know, churro,
and you have to, and then it tells you, it tabulates, and then you have less
and less at the end of the day.
And then the goal is to be all zeros, like your calorie allotment, your macros,
your fat, your carbs, your protein is all whatever in line.
And, and I, so what I realize now is weight is an issue of class, kind of,
meaning that there are people that are overweight because they, they just don't
have access to the same type of food that other people do.
Now, this is obviously a little abused, right?
As a, as an, as a, people, this is a little bit of a crutch.
Everybody can find a carrot, but not everybody's going to eat a carrot, and you
can't live on carrots.
So my point is when I see somebody working their ass off, and she's a big woman,
I'm, you know, I feel like, let me give her money so that she can do something
good for herself,
or for her family, or whatever.
And I'm not, again, I'm not, this isn't, I'm trying to be a good person here.
I'm just saying, and the reason it happened was because she didn't have change
for the 50, and she goes, do you want to use a,
do you want to use a credit card or Apple Pay?
A friend of mine who was in the store with me, we're in the coffee bean, and I
said, well, no.
I said, why don't you just keep it?
And this woman was so horrified by that, by the idea of that.
She thought it was like a, some type of, she goes, no, no, I can't, no.
I said, I want you to keep the money.
She goes, no, it's $8, you know, it's too much.
I said, no, you do something nice, you do something nice for yourself with it.
And then she somehow makes change, and then puts the change in the tip cup, and
goes, take your money.
And I'm like, no, and I'm wondering, is she like an addict?
Can she not have cash?
Is there like a reason she doesn't have cash?
Is she going to take $40 right now and go buy something she shouldn't have?
A rock?
I don't know what she's going to do, right?
Like, she was so terrified by that.
And in Los Angeles, displays of kindness are so incredibly rare that I
understand.
So I told her, I was like, I was a tour guide on a double-decker bus, and I
used to rely on tips.
And a lot of people didn't tip.
And there was a black guy in the thing, and he was like, you a tour guide?
You a tour manager?
And I was like, no, I was a guide.
I would show people the buildings.
He's like, damn.
And I was like, he was so, he's a cool guy.
And then he's like, what do you do now?
I'm like, oh, I'm a comedian.
He's like, you a comedian?
And then we looked up.
So then you feel like a piece of shit.
And then we looked up the Netflix special, and she's like, I'm going to watch
it.
The good deed's over.
It's been completely washed away.
Now, there's people in there going, what is wrong with this man?
So people that are going to see me go, this guy is harassing people to watch
his fucking Netflix special at the Coffee Bean.
All I tried to do is quietly give this woman $40 for her to go buy drugs.
And she didn't do it, but that's what I mean about the pitfalls of being nice.
I do a lot of shows in LA, and they've been a lot of fun.
And we've been talking about the Ukraine a lot on the podcast and on the show.
And a lot of people have told me, they said, well, you seem pretty, you seem
pretty like anti-Ukraine.
And I'm not anti-Ukraine, I'm anti-taking the American war machine's word for
it about any conflict anywhere in the world.
And if you were not an idiot, you would be too.
I feel horrible for the people of Ukraine.
We had a kid on, a comedian on, when this first thing, when this started, you
know, seven, eight months ago, ten months ago.
And we had him on, and, you know, it was incredibly sad what they're going
through.
I don't think anybody is happy about that.
I've been somebody that wants that to end.
I don't want nuclear holocaust.
I don't want a war that destroys all of Ukraine.
I don't want any of that.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I hope that, you know, I've always hoped that Russia would say, okay, we're
done.
But it doesn't seem like that's realistic with Russia's current leadership.
In fact, they keep mobilizing people.
They're calling up more troops.
The attacks are getting worse and worse and worse.
And when the American war machine goes, we'll support Ukraine no matter what,
no matter how long, wink,
it means they want a 30-year Cold War that will just destroy Russia and bleed
Russia out
and make people hear a lot of money.
Instead of forcing some type of agreement or even trying for some type of
agreement,
So, again, it's not, and again, I'm not, you don't absolve Russia.
They invaded the Ukraine.
They invaded a sovereign country.
Wars are never good.
Wars are never about, you know, one thing.
Usually, they're more complex.
And what bothers me is the narrative that everybody is fed all the time in this
country is like,
good, evil, right, wrong.
There's, and here's the line.
And if you even go, well, why is that that you're like, yeah, with that?
It's not, it's not realistic that people are not going to have questions.
You're not going to go, wait, wait, wait, what the fuck's going on?
Explain to me what's going on.
I just want to know what's going on.
So, I'm going to play a battle right now.
And this is something, I'm rarely serious on the show,
but I'm going to be serious right now because this is disturbing to me.
There's carnage going on in the Ukraine right now.
There's carnage.
And it's something, and I'm actually texting an attorney.
I don't even know if we can play this.
This is footage that I got from a person on the front lines.
That's footage that I got from a person on the front lines.
And it's one of those things where I'm worried as a broadcaster
because if I play this footage and it alters the course of the war
or something happens, and I, but this is literally,
this has not been seen on the media.
This is footage from the front lines sent to me
from what's going on in Russia, in the Ukraine.
Right now, I'm dead serious.
I just got the okay from my attorney.
I'm telling you right now, if you have children in the room,
this is not for them, but as adults,
we all have to understand the stakes and what's going on.
Play it.
I don't know.
It's hard to watch that.
And I don't know which side, admittedly,
because they all look so similar,
I don't know which side is whiling.
But Russia or the Ukraine, someone was whiling.
And then someone came in and then fixed that.
But what I'm saying here is that the war is a problem, okay?
And we need to figure out a solution.
If we're going to keep seeing scenes like that.
I mean, it's crazy.
And where we are, the United States is sending in the equipment.
They're sending in the waffle irons.
They're sending in the coffee burner.
They're sending in the griddles to make the hash browns smothered and covered.
They're sending in the machinery of death so that this war can go on.
That wasn't, that wasn't the Ukraine.
It was a waffle house.
See, that's, they don't have waffle houses in the Ukraine.
Otherwise, things would be peaceful like they are here.
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