Name: The Tim Dillon Show #335
Uploaded: 2023-02-23T05:36:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Tim Dillon Show #335' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Tim Dillon Show #335' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-23. Transcript available.

The Tim Dillon Show #335

today's episode is sponsored by honey the easy way to save when you're shopping
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tomorrow monterey california friday vancouver canada saturday napa california
march through the 9th through the 11th i'll be in palm beach florida
our rescheduled raleigh dates the 24th and the 25th in raleigh north carolina
thursday april 13th
inglewood new jersey friday april 14th huntington new york saturday april 15th
new brunswick new jersey
sunday april 16th huntington new york we also have shows being announced in
places like tacoma and
portland and san francisco very very soon enjoy the episode ladies and
gentlemen welcome to the tim
dylan show we are going to be a monday show we are uploading uh today tuesday
uh because we got back
late from uh arizona where we did a bunch of shows sold them out in phoenix and
tucson i think tucson
was sold out we were close um thanks to everybody who came out it was a lot of
fun i i spent almost a week
there in the desert and uh i like arizona i like it because it's a state that
is evenly divided between
uh retirees and psychopaths um those are the two largest demographic groups in
arizona people that
are retired and people who are psychotic and that's a fun mix because there's
one side constantly trying
to drag some of the people into their side like the psychopaths they get a few
of the retirees to come
onto their side they pull them it's like that thing in gym where you would tug
of war and you try to
pull people uh and the psychopaths occasionally will pull some of the retirees
and then some of
the retirees will pull some of the psychopaths and just be like hey man how
about just chill how about
just fucking swing a golf club um but it's that natural tension between retiree
and psychopath which
is what the desert is that's the whole desert but it was a lot of fun there we
enjoyed ourselves
we are now the official podcast sponsor of the ukraine war this is something
that i'm very excited about
we beat out um a lot of the other podcasts we beat out my favorite murder we
beat out last podcast on
the left we beat out uh the girls gotta eat dude the girls that sling the vibrators
uh we beat them
uh to be the official sponsor of the ukraine war we are the show that sponsors
the ukraine war as a podcast now
that doesn't mean we want it to keep going just because we are the official
sponsor of the ukraine war
uh we don't want it to keep going uh we do realize that war can be beautiful
and teach us beautiful things
about ourselves and the world around us um and that makes us the official
sponsor of uh the ukraine war
as a podcast uh similar to america who is sponsoring the ukraine war but doesn't
want it to keep going
but if it does if it happens to uh it should be um beautiful our president
remember when this started
a year ago the ukraine war remember about a year ago the ukraine war started russia
invaded the ukraine
and the idea was that there would be some type of push for peace that this
would end or someone would want
this to end um and that has not been the case we are now a year in and uh you
know now we're saying
like biden's gone out and said like russia will never win in ukraine so it's
the american position
that russia has to lose which is i understand why that's the ukrainian position
but it's the american
position now that russia has to lose which is different from the american
position saying we
would like peace peace would mean or you would think it would mean that both
countries made some
arrangement agreement and that the fighting war would cease um there'd be a
treaty we know it how this
works but now president biden has come out and said uh there will be no victory
for russia in ukraine
russia will never win which of course means that russia will lose and then he
made a surprise visit to
the capital uh on monday and he was like it was very secretive and sexy and
because the whole thing
with biden now is because he's old and he's kind of enfeebled and he he doesn't
know how to speak
they have to dress him up as he's like a tough guy and he's tough and it's like
he doesn't give a shit
and you know look at him walking next to zielinski and you know it's like mr biden
arrived early monday
morning to meet with president zielinski this is the new york times after a 10-hour
overnight train ride
which he's slept through probably um but the two stepped out into the streets
of kiev even as an air
raid siren sounded a dramatic moment that underscored the investment the united
states has made in the
ukraine's independence by the way it's clear they want biden dead like the
people like the people that
are worried that he may not be a good candidate they're like yeah yeah go over
there show your support
walk around in the street you and zielinski make out whatever you have to do
make sure you're in the
public make sure you see a bunch of people um biden was there for only five
hours uh and he promised
to release another 500 million in military aid in coming days 500 million uh
dollars now the ukraine
wants some real deal arms because ukraine is now saying we want to go into red
square we want to push into
russia you know we want to bring down the regime in russia uh russia is now
pulled out of a nuclear
proliferation treaty uh with us symbolic for sure who knows not the treaties
keep people from doing
anything they want to do anyway um but you know this is it's become a uh
incredibly and it's sad
that anybody is dying right so we all feel bad for any civilian in the ukraine
that has been killed
anybody in russia that has been drafted and to go fight this war we feel bad
for anybody that's life
is being thrown into the abyss you're throwing these people's lives uh into
this black hole um but
you know now now we are basically saying like we're in we like it we like it
the idea that we don't like
the ukraine war has to be destroyed we love it we have a war of white people in
which we can throw hundreds of
billions maybe more at we enjoy it we like it it's good for the weapons
industry it's good for our uh
by the way what else are we going to talk about the trains that keep derailing
with the poison
we don't want to do that we're going to talk about the kids in ohio who are
being refused lunch we're
going to talk about that later but what do we what do we really have to say we
like talking about the
ukraine war it's good for our country to take the focus off of the things that
we don't really love
about what's happening in our country and put it on the ukraine um and we kind
of like it's a it's a fun
pastime right now it's like sports the super bowl's over so this is kind of the
new thing
this is another article here uh in the new york times which the new york times
is now the official
like u.s problem it's always been but like specifically for this war um very
exciting
very exciting here not peace mind you not steps towards peace um in the in the
new york times
some of the best weapons in the world are now in ukraine they may change the
war so we're now
celebrating the weaponry that we sent not not any steps towards any type of
agreement that would stop
fighting tens of billions of dollars of weapons have flowed from europe and
north american countries into
the ukraine rifles bullets missiles artillery yeah baby at first the nations
insisted that the weapons
were defensive designed to help the ukraine fight off the invasion one year
later as the battered but
still potent russian military prepares for a renewed offensive the type of
weapons heading into ukraine
have changed dramatically now they're getting the good stuff now they're
getting the stuff that they've
kind of always wanted the distinction my my favorite uh line here the
distinction between offensive and
defensive weapons was always a little bit arbitrary it's a little bit arbitrary
it doesn't really matter
what we're giving them are we giving them things to defend themselves or to
keep this going or to push in
to expand the scope of the war we don't know we're just giving them fun stuff
and they're having fun
and that's just good old-fashioned american uh money laundering uh slush fund
uh you know empire building stuff
this is what we do um and uh you know i'm just uh you know it's it's
unfortunate we're we're um we're
enjoying this though and we're we're enjoying it a little too much it's a
little scary how much we're liking it
um it's it's biden's you know he's just allowing him to seem strapping and cool
remember boris johnson
in the uk did this when he went to visit with i'm sorry when he went to visit
with zelinski
if you are an embattled leader in your country you just visit zelinski and you
walk around
kiev for a few hours and it's a nice boost it's a boost to the numbers i think
by the way people army
hammer should do that why are celebrities not doing that why are celebrities
why don't canceled
celebrities visit keith get harvey weinstein out of jail have him walk next to
zelinski down a main
street in kiev kiev whatever and i think you could be looking at a good boost
in numbers bill cosby's on
tour i've got his first tour date keith this is how much we love the war how
much we're enjoying it we
have an article in the new yorker can psychedelics heal ukrainians trauma so we're
basically like let's
not end the trauma let's not end it micro dose mushrooms take some psychedelics
get a shaman
take some ayahuasca it'll be like the war's not even happening you can
therapeutically cleanse yourself
of war we're not going to stop the actual war but you can feel better about the
war with a nice
psychedelic regiment meanwhile in new york ukrainian delegation including a
representative for the
territorial defense forces had gathered to consider types of aid other types of
aid the goal according
to an ad for the event was to promote the psychological and spiritual
resilience of ukrainian people living
in trauma crisis and war it's the psychological resilience we're promoting your
it's tough we know
it's tough we know it's tough and we know that we could maybe in a way kind of
push for some type of
peace talks but we're not going to do that we're not going to stop this war in
fact we're going to
pour gasoline we are now pouring gasoline on this it's wrong that putin invaded
all war is terrible
but the idea that we want this to stop