Name: The Tim Dillon Show #336
Uploaded: 2023-03-03T02:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Tim Dillon Show #336' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Tim Dillon Show #336' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-03. Transcript available.

The Tim Dillon Show #336

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you take a quick quiz and, you know, whoever you're giving this to or you're
giving it to
yourself, basically you're getting a box every single month with a bunch of
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okay? And you never know what it's going to be, but it's all from small up and
coming brands
manufactured in America. That's what you want, you know? So when you get this
box,
it's so cool. It's a great surprise and it could have everything. It could have
outdoorsy stuff.
It could have like, you know, stuff to make drinks. It could have like, you
know,
you know, fishing stuff or, you know, boating stuff. Maybe it's like some type
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something like that. But it's cool. You know, it's a fun gift. It's something
you see,
you open it up and you go, oh God, you know, like look at this, you know? And
you don't know what it'll
be from month to month. That's the cool part. You open it up and you go, oh my
God, you know?
It could be a fun fucking thing, man. It could be cool, you know? It's just,
and sometimes it'll be something where you don't quite know why you're getting
it, you know? But
it's just there. You know, I had one box that came to me because I have it.
Subscribe to Box of
Awesome. I love it, love it, love it. One of my boxes, this is wild, was just
hair. I had no idea
whose it was. Hair and a vial of blood. So this is what I mean about like
always being like, huh?
So get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and
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Boxofawesome.com, code Tim Dillon. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon
Show. I am
in mourning right now. I am incredibly upset. I'm usually not as upset, but
today is a tough day.
We are mourning the loss of a legend, a woman who's meant a lot to this show,
someone who has been an
inspiration to me, someone who has been an inspiration to millions, to young
women and young men and
people of and young non-binary people. Everybody, regardless of their gender,
has been impacted by this
woman. It is a sad day in America, but a very sad day in Chicago because we
have lost
one of the best, an advocate for chaos, an advocate for chaos. A woman whose
reign in Chicago
came to symbolize chaos in, in the way that only a Batman villain could, like a
Dick Tracy villain.
Like this woman presided over an increase in crime that was just, I mean, it
was mind blowing.
Like the numbers just kept, and she was a petty, vindictive woman. She went to
war with limo companies.
She wrote bad Yelp reviews. She was nasty to employees. The first lesbian mayor
of color in Chicago.
Got to put that in there. She's a, and God, God love her for that. We
appreciate it. But this is a woman, I never thought of her as, you know, I
never thought of her sexuality. I never thought of even her race. I thought
only of what animates her. The true, you know, spirit of Lori Lightfoot is, is
really as a spirit of chaos.
And let's take a look at her right now. This is her in all her glory. This is
how I'll always remember her.
Make this pick, please.
There she is.
Vote, vote, vote, vote.
Yep.
Here she is celebrating Chicago having the highest murder rate in the country.
It's, I mean, this woman, I, I, I don't want to lose her.
I do not want to lose this woman.
I, I mean, God love her. It's sad.
All right. Well, people are listening that don't see the, that they're not
getting the benefit of this visual.
So we'll turn this down.
But, uh, God, I mean, there's no one better than Lori Lightfoot.
Can we go to her speech when she left?
You know, Lori Lightfoot, for those of you who don't know, was the mayor of the
city of Chicago,
the great city of Chicago, which is descending into a hellscape.
Uh, how many murders last year in Chicago? Just out of curiosity, if we can get
that up.
Chicago, uh, violent crime there has been a major problem.
There are like large, they were large.
One of my favorite stories was like, there's large gangs of teenagers, uh,
groups of teenagers
just running through, um, you know, the mid midtown of Chicago, the miracle
mile, whatever you call it.
And they're just robbing couples and, you know, you know, just creating chaos.
I think they're working for Lightfoot.
Like, I think the kids are, cause here's what she's got to do now.
Lori, now that she has been evicted from her, uh, position, she's been taken
out.
Lori now has to wage a war against the city from the outside.
Because for many years, she was waging a war against the city from the inside.
But now she's now from the outside has to like, make sure the city stays as
crime ridden and filthy
from the outside.
She's just got to launch attacks, coordinated attacks.
The year of 2021 ended as one of the most violent on record in Chicago.
A rise in the number of shootings left more people dead than in any single year
in a quarter century.
According to statistics released by the police on Saturday.
797 homicides.
20 more, 25 more than were recorded in 2020.
So about 800 homicides.
How many a day?
There's 365 days in a year.
Almost like three a day.
Yeah, there's about three people a day in Chicago checking out.
And, uh, you know, this was also, you got to remember Lori Lightfoot went wild
with the
vaccine.
She was threatening people saying, if you don't take the vaccine, your time has
come.
We'll put you in jail.
You know, we're going to find you.
Again, this was the language of a, of a villain.
This was the language of like an all powerful mob boss.
It was not a governor.
Here we go.
Um, yeah, she did not fuck around when it came to the vaccine.
She was like Nazi-ish.
She wanted everybody to get it.
And if you didn't get it, she did that whole thing.
Get up that thing where she goes, we'll put you in jail.
Yeah.
That was my favorite one where she goes, we'll put you in jail.
She goes, we will put you in jail.
And it was just like you saw that was like the zenith of state power during the
pandemic
when people were just coming right out and saying, if there is anything you do
that we disagree
with, we are going to put you in jail.
And that was like, I remember people sending that to me going like, this is
going to really
like be a huge problem for this woman.
And it was, you know, people, you play that back now.
It seems so insane.
Um, here it is right here.
This is Lori Lightfoot.
We will shut you down.
We will cite you.
And if we need to, we will arrest you.
And we will take you to jail.
Period.
There should be nothing unambiguous about that.
You mean nothing ambiguous, sweetie.
Don't make us treat you like a criminal.
But if you act like a criminal and you violate the law and you refuse to do
what is necessary
to save lives in the city in the middle of a pandemic, we will take you to jail.
Get up.
Get up when she did Rona destroy her.
I just, this is a montage of Lori Lightfoot.
I, I am so sad to be losing this woman.
I hope she runs for governor.
I pray that Lori Lightfoot runs for governor.
Well, before we go, it looks like trick-or-treating will be happening in
Chicago this year.
Yeah, that's Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot coming out in full costume, cape and
mask as the Rona,
as in Corona destroyer, heading out candid to reporters and staff at our daily
news conference.
Trick-or-treaters will be asked to stay in groups of six or fewer there.
Avoid sticking their hands into any candy bowls.
And of course, wear a mask with a mask over your mask.
Man, she's a symbol of the pandemic, isn't she, Lori Lightfoot?
I think now COVID's finally over.
I mean, I know the state of emergency was lifted in LA, but with Lori Lightfoot
leaving,
it's like the state, like it really is over.
This is finally done with Lori Lightfoot being voted out.
This is sad.
Let's look at her concession speech here.
She doesn't even seem present in her own body for the concession speech.
Again, so much mayhem, so much chaos, so bloody.
This woman was the ultimate villain.
The only, this is the type of mayor Chicago should have.
It's one of the most corrupt cities in the world, and there's absolutely no way
it should be run by anyone less,
like anyone less than a complete, utter crime boss, which is what she is.
She is like, you know, somebody who, from a, like the Ninja Turtles, would have
to invade her lair.
Let's see how she conceded the election.
We were fierce competitors in these last few months,
but I will be rooting and praying for our next mayor to deliver for the people
of the city for years to come.
I'm grateful that we worked together to remove a record number of guns off our
streets,
reduce homicides, and started making real progress on public safety.
Well, she didn't, she didn't reduce homicide.
I mean, that's, but who cares at this point?
And I don't know what guns she's talking about that are off the street.
Certainly not the 900, you know, murders.
She didn't really reduce any homicides, but now she can live with her wife and
be happy and like,
you know, just, she was the mayor of Chicago.
You know, she'll just always, she'll always be able to tell people like later
on,
she'll be on some like lesbian cruise and they'll be like, what did you do?
And she'll go, I was the mayor of Chicago.
And you go, Lori was the mayor of Chicago?
She just cheated at cards.
Lori was the mayor of Chicago because she's,
corruption is the DNA of Chicago and it runs through this woman's veins.
No matter what she does, any, any, any time in her life, she will always try to
lie.
And this is what I love about her so much.
Is it no matter what Lori liked, I mean, she literally just said, we, we, we,
we, we, we, uh, we, what about homicide?
She goes, we decreased homicides.
They were at the highest level in 25 years, but it doesn't matter.
She'll always try to lie first.
That's what I love about her.
She just, it's her, you can tell when you look at her, she's burning inside
because she doesn't know what's true anymore because there's so much, she's
lied so many times.
Did you ever see the thing where the, the guy, he just lists everything in
Chicago.
It's Lori Lightfoot.
She refuses to answer a question and it's great.
You have a guy who basically comes up and goes, here's the issue.
The crime's up.
This is up.
They don't want, the companies are leaving Chicago.
Nobody wants to be here anymore.
And Lori Lightfoot stands there and goes, I'm just not going to answer that
question.
You got to remember the fashion choices too.
She wore these big balloon pants.
She dressed up during the St. Patrick's Day parade.
They were saying on Twitter that she looked like that movie Leprechaun in the
Hood.
They were saying she looked like Leprechaun in the Hood.
It was, she was trolling everyone.
Or she wasn't.
She had these weird balloon pants, these baggy like Jenko jeans, but they were
pants that she would wear and they like never fit her.
This is a kid who dressed up as her.
But I mean, I'm really going to be sad to see her go, man.
Try to get that up where she refuses to answer the question, where she
literally just looks at the guy and she goes, I disagree with your assessment
entirely.
But I mean, it's sad to lose her because she became such a symbol of the type
of political leader that we have in America now where truth is irrelevant.
Okay, this is great.
Lightfoot now screams.
This is, this was another one, but this is also great.
He or she is screaming at a reporter over a question about crime.
God, I love her.
You and the other right wing nuts can try to characterize it any possible way.
Excuse me, is that appropriate?
Yeah, it is appropriate.
Is that appropriate?
Thank you.
Mayor Lightfoot.
Mayor Lightfoot.
The people that I speak with in Chicago every day tell me that they're very
frustrated with your lack of a plan to combat violent crime.
They tell me that they're very frustrated with the rhetoric that sounds more
like you support or sympathize with the...
So yo