Name: Baby's Gotta Go | The Tim Dillon Show #339
Uploaded: 2023-03-25T01:58:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Baby's Gotta Go | The Tim Dillon Show #339' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Baby's Gotta Go | The Tim Dillon Show #339' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-25. Transcript available.

Baby's Gotta Go | The Tim Dillon Show #339

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show,
special edition, no glasses today.
Because I'm not high on OxyContin.
When I wear the glasses, it's because I'm on heroin,
as some people in the comments have pointed out,
that I'm a junkie and I'm wearing the glasses.
Not because the lights burn my eyes and I have a tick.
I have an eye twitch, MTS, motor tick syndrome,
where sometimes my eyes roll back and people go,
are you having a stroke or do you hate us?
And I'm like, no, I have an eye tick.
This is just what it is.
It comes out when I'm tired or whatever.
Or when I'm angry and I'm a little perturbed,
I'm a little bit, not crazy mad,
but I just did a show at the Comedy Store
and I don't like to speak bad of anything or anyone.
That's a big part of what I avoid here
is not trying to speak bad about anybody or anything
or any club I met.
Have I ever spoken negatively about an institution
No, and listen, I, like the police,
many good people at the Comedy Store,
like the cops, many good people are there
and they're just doing their job,
like the people who put Jews in camps,
just doing their job.
But I did a Tim Dillon and Friends show,
which I, we sold out in about 30 seconds.
And I, and the Tim Dillon and Friends show,
what it is, is you, you, your friends,
whoever's there, Spade,
who's ever in town, Greg Fitzsimmons,
who's ever around, Annie,
who's ever around,
comes and does the show.
It's not a big deal.
It's fun.
People come out, they see it,
I go on last, and it's fun.
And the, first of all,
like the night before they're texting me,
they're like, what's the lineup?
Who's, what's the line?
Do you have a lineup?
Do you have a running order?
Do you have a lineup or a running order?
Who's going to get on this stage?
Who's going to, do you have a running order?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, we sold the tickets.
Relax.
Yeah, I have a lineup.
It's everyone in your band.
They're back.
So, I'm, I'm doing this delicately.
Jordan's Lobster, Island Park.
Phenomenal.
So, I'm sitting there.
My godson's family comes in.
My godson whom I love.
My godson, my, my godson's father
was a fan of the podcast,
who I didn't know super well.
But, decided that because I'm single,
gay, and without a family,
that if he made me the godson of his son,
I would give the kid money
in the form of a college fund,
which I do.
Which was, it was a good move.
If you know someone who's wealthy
and doesn't have children of their own,
just go, you're the godson.
They showed up once at my house
in Palm Springs.
I said, come on out.
We'll have a lunch.
They came out with an Asian baby
and said, you are,
and there was a note written
saying, Uncle Tim,
will you be my godfather?
And I had, you know what I mean?
I just bought, like, the Range Rover.
So, they were like,
and what are you going to do?
It's like a little baby.
If it was a white kid,
I would have went, eh.
But he's Asian.
He's high-end.
Top of the line.
Top of the line.
His family brings him in to the green room.
His mother, his father, and the baby.
And it's a wholesome event.
The baby's running around.
He's doing whatever.
We're all, you know what I mean?
Halfway through,
I don't know who these people are now at the comedy.
The comedy store has now hired people
that used to work at San Quentin,
the prison.
And
I don't know what's going on over there,
okay?
But
they've hired, like,
these big,
hulking brutes.
These, like,
loggers.
They're like,
it's like guards.
They're like,
guards?
And it's,
and nobody knows who anyone is.
And nobody knows who I am.
I'm like,
I'm the one who sold the tickets to the show.
So, they're like,
at least Rogan's Club,
they're Navy SEALs.
They have actual authority.
They've killed people
on behalf of the government.
I'll listen to them.
Who are these people?
So, they have these hulking brutes
walking around,
okay?
And one of them,
and again,
this is all nice and respectful.
This is respectful.
This is the,
trust me,
it's a respectful route.
I'm sitting in the show that I've sold out
at the comedy club.
Could have done it at the improv.
Could have done it at the Laugh Factory.
Could have done it at Flappers.
Could have not done it.
Could have not done it.
Could have not done it.
Could have done it at the comedy mothership,
which I'm doing on Monday.
I'll go right down to Austin with the guns.
We got the guns.
Okay?
So,
I'm sitting in the green room.
Some actor kid who's friends with me came,
or he's like a new friend of mine,
but he's,
and I think he's on like heroin or something,
but that's okay.
That's all right.
It's not a big deal.
He came in with his friend,
with some other dude.
He's like,
where's the bathroom?
They just both went into the bathroom.
So I'm like,
well,
they're sucking each other off
for doing heroin.
Now it's going to sound like
I've done the wrong.
Now we're just going to side with the club.
I haven't even gotten to the part.
So there was a little shady behavior
that I had no idea.
I just invite,
I invite people sometimes
that are famous,
kind of,
right?
They're kind of famous.
I don't know what they're doing.
They're on heroin,
maybe.
They're on Oxycontin,
whatever.
I think they're crushing up stuff.
I don't,
it's not my business.
But that's not even what they're mad at.
So I'm sitting there,
and then the hulking brute comes in,
and he goes,
the baby's got to go.
Oh, excuse me?
He goes,
the baby's got to go now.
He's got to go.
He points
at my Chinese
two-year-old godson
and goes,
the baby's got to go now.
He's got to go now.
Him.
So I go,
wait,
wait,
wait,
what's going on?
What's he doing?
And he goes,
well,
it's a rule.
We have a license.
It's a nightclub.
He can't be here.
It would be a $500,000 fine.
And I'm like,
really?
Really?
Because he stopped in?
In a green room?
Really?
Don't you have lawyers?
Does no one have lawyers here?
But whatever.
I would have respected
the idea that you can't have the baby
in the green room
because they just stopped in.
Again,
they're stopping in to say hello.
I would have respected that idea,
but it was the way it was delivered.
It was the way the message was delivered.
This weird,
like,
aggressive posture
that they take.
By the way,
a lot of people produce shows there.
I talk to Luis Gomez about it all the time.
They make you feel like a criminal
when you produce a show at that club.
They make you feel like a criminal.
Maybe that's part of the fun.
Hashtag mothership.
The point is this.
I was sitting there.
I have a Chinese person.
You fucking white devil
who works at a comedy club?
Whitey?
I have a Chinese child.
The golden child.
Have you ever seen that with Eddie Murphy?
That great thing
where they got to bounce themselves
on the beams
and then drink the water
and the fire goes out?
Maybe you should start thinking
about the fucking prophecy.
So,
whatever.
Somebody,
I don't know,
I've never seen this person.
Apparently,
they work at the comedy store.
They were probably,
like,
removed from Enterprise Rent-A-Car
for attacking a customer,
and now they are doing
the security of the green room
and kicking out everybody
who's under 21.
That's new energy,
huh?
So,
the point is,
we're having fun.
Now,
so,
he goes,
the baby's gotta go.
I'm like,
okay,
I'm sitting there.
I'm like,
the baby's gotta go.
So,
then the baby goes.
Then the baby doesn't care
because my godson
wanted to go to mothership.
He told me,
he goes,
I want to go to mothership.
He's a huge fan of Schultz.
And I go,
no,
but come to the comedy store.
We have comedians
who've been doing comedy 75 years.
And he goes,
it's gonna be fun.
So,
so my Chinese godson
is evicted.
He's kicked out of the,
like literally,
the guy stands there.
He stands there
until the child is picked up
and he like walks them out.
And the booker comes in,
who's sweet.
I like,
who's a nice person.
She's a sweet woman.
I'll beef with her.
But she's there to like,
I guess smooth it out
or like,
and she's like,
well,
you know,
it's like,
he's,
you know,
he's a baby.
And I'm like,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
okay,
okay,
fine,
fine,
fine.
This kid,
Justin,
who's a young comic in LA
is in the green room.
He's a funny kid.
He was big on TikTok
and then they banned him
for like making fun of like,
I don't know,
the TikTokers that have pull.
Like Addison Rae
or whoever these people are,
the D'Amelio's called China
and got him kicked off TikTok.
They call presidency.
But he's like a nice kid
and he's a young guy.
And New York,
being from New York,
again,
I'm from New York.
Like somebody told me,
we were sitting in the green room
with the improv the other night
and they go,
is it embarrassing
that you moved to Austin
and then moved back?
I said,
no,
no,
no,
I hate,
I don't care about anyone here.
I don't respect anyone here
and all of this can burn.
Truly,
I don't love Austin,
but all my friends
live in Austin and New York.
I don't give a shit
about this place at all
and it can all burn.
And it was a little awkward.
I was in the green room
with all the comics.
But that's the way I feel.
I like like six people here,
kind of.
So I don't care.
So the reality is
I'm sitting there
and
the reality is
I'm sitting there
and this kid Justin's there
and I said to Justin,
I'm like,
yeah,
do a guest spot.
You know,
he,
that's what,
in New York,
if somebody comes and hangs out,
you give,
sometimes you'll throw them
a guest spot.
It's like the right thing to do.
It's like a good thing to do.
You know what I mean?
Now,
apparently this has like confused
the people at the club
who are like,
who,
who's he?
And he looks young,
right?
He's a young kid.
He's like 19 or 20.
And he then,
one of the,
one of these prison guards,
one of the corrections team
asks him
how old he is
and he goes,
and he's a little bit of a wise ass.
He's a comedian.
He's a wise ass.
He goes,
I'm 13.
It's funny.
It was funny.
And then the guy goes,
show me your ID.
He IDs the guy
in the room.
That's the energy
of that's the vibe there.
It's like,
it's like a strange vibe.
Then I get out
and,
and start to do comedy.
Now they had a show at 10
and they lit me like
five minutes into my set,
which is weird.
And then I still pushed it.
I did probably 20 minutes.
What do you think I did?
20.
I did 20 minutes.
I would have done longer,
but it was like a weird,
there was a weird energy
and a weird vibe.
Not with the audience.
They were amazing,
but they lit me so early
into my set
that they were kind of like,
we have a,
we have a 10 o'clock show.
And I'm like,
that's great.
You have a 10 o'clock show,
but it's also like nine.
I got on at what?
9.15.
Yeah.
Right.
So it's like,
if I'm off stage by 9.40,
we should be able to flip the room.
You know?
So again,
I just don't,
I didn't,
and it just happened.
It's the only reason I'm talking about it.
It's not like lodged in my mind.
I don't care.
I'm just saying,
I didn't love the vibe.
Do you think I was wrong?
My reaction with the vibe there was odd.
They approached you
in a pretty graceless way.
It was a weird way to do it.
It's a weird way to do it.
It wasn't cool at all.
It's odd.
It's just strange.
Don't make me go down to Texas,
get the guns.
Come back with the guns.
I just don't understand the behavior.
The show is at 10.30, actually,
so they booted you 45 minutes early.
It's a city where everyone's incompetent
and no one can work,
so apparently people need 75 minutes
to flip the room.
How do I do it?
I wipe the table.
I put the drink in the bed.
How do I do it?
How do I do it again?
He's got to go.
The baby's got to go now.
The baby's got to go.
You've got a Chinese baby in here.
He's a spy.
They're hiring, like, cooks
that got, like, removed from Denny's
because of, like, an altercation.
That's the energy, you know?
And I'm sure they're all lovely people.
I'm sure one of my friends,
Colm, comedian from New York,
Colm Terrell did a show there,
made some joke about, like, a waitress
or whatever that just didn't go over.
And maybe Colm did the wrong thing.
I don't know.
He's Irish like me.
Maybe there's a little anti-I