Name: An American Royal with Bert Kreischer | The Tim Dillon Show #341
Uploaded: 2023-04-09T14:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An American Royal with Bert Kreischer | The Tim Dillon Show #341' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An American Royal with Bert Kreischer | The Tim Dillon Show #341' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-09. Transcript available.

An American Royal with Bert Kreischer | The Tim Dillon Show #341

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dylan show i'm very excited to be here
with um the guy
who put me on my first podcast in la nobody put me on nobody cared nobody would
look at me um and
this guy said come to my house and we'll do a podcast and thank you so much it's
worked out
it has worked out yes i'm a good scout yeah there's a couple people where i
like where i
silently take credit when they when i see them blow up since what it is is like
it's got to be
like when you are an actual talent scout and you you see someone that just
makes you giggle by
yourself yeah and then you watch them blow the fuck up and then you're like i
knew i'm good i knew i
can pick talent yeah well i appreciate that let me ask you a question what um
what do you think do you
think we all do this like does podcasting go on forever does this eventually
stop does this does
this become like when we like younger comics now are not starting them yeah
they're just doing clips um
that's the fucking thing they're going out with short form stuff you can get
heckled these days
you're the luckiest comic out there god damn it man i'm so jealous if i had had
clips back in the
day because i was chaos on stage right i was chaos take my shirt off drink six
beers on stage yeah
welcome it welcome chaos right man if we had cameras back then so does this
what happens to this
medium eventually i'll tell you i'll tell you the idea of having a podcast uh a
conglomerate like a like
a umbrella yeah where you start podcasting that's dead right that's that the
idea of having like a
company i think it's dead i agree um i've had a lot of people come and ask to
be part of my network and
i'm like i don't have a network i do me right i do me that's all i give a fuck
about i don't want
to lose any of my attention about me social media companies i think they're
going away i think people are
starting to go no no no i'll just get that person i want them to work for me i
think i think everything's
going in-house i'll tell you where i'm going yes i'm making you're a guy that
you're always kind of
on the new thing like you're always you focus a lot on whatever the new thing
is going to be in comedy
like you you were doing instagram stories years and years and years ago showing
me how many people
were watching your story showing me how they could buy tickets you were on all
of that shit
i wonder i sometimes i i sometimes wonder if it's because i'm not as talented
as other people
i pay attention a little more and i work a little harder yeah and i try things
i also don't mind
failing but um but yeah i mean i remember watching joe and going i mean there's
so much meat left on
that bone yeah i mean with all the all the things he does and i look joe wants
privacy and
he's a bad example but i remember going if i was joe if i could have that
outreach i'll tell you
what i'd do right that's that's the way i looked at it right and right now what
would you do so if
you had like his level of power oh dude i mean would it be i mean first of all
i'd be i'd be doing
more movies i'd right i mean i know that he doesn't want to do that but i think
funny shit well he's got
a bunch of jobs right he's got the ufc he's a dad he's a comedian he just has
the podcast
so but but it's for sure there's maybe more yeah i would do he could do he is
lazy i think joe he
is a little lazy i think that's kind of what we're getting at i think what we're
getting at is rogan's
kind of like a little bit lazy is that where we're going i think he is i mean i
think he is you look what
it is okay he can work out more what does he do talk someone for three hours
that's it i know and
then smokes weed and drinks and this whole spending time with my family i'm not
buying it
enough i asked him his daughter's name the other day and he stumbled the world
should know their names
yeah they should be monetized yeah every member of that family should be
massively big on social
i only trust a man who puts his family on instagram if you're not on instagram
then he's not around
them it's a good point god joe really is he does the opposite of you a little
bit with that where
he does he wants more the privacy he might be gay is maybe is that what it is
and this is his beard
this could be his beard is absolutely i wouldn't be shocked i think most people
who don't put their
kids on instagram are gay i didn't want if your kids are not all over social
media you're gay you're
gay if you're not trying to monetize every interaction with your family if you're
not trying
yes you're a gay man it sucks when you realize that videos of your daughter go
are more popular
than yes videos without your daughter in it yeah and then you're like yo isla
yeah i gotta sell
tickets in cleveland yeah get over here stop having teenager problems but it's
you so where are you
going you just said everything's going in house meaning that every things are
going in house the
cameras are going in the house it's like epstein and the cameras are now oh i
just bought a new house
yeah and built it out to just have all production in there amazing so we have
now is it just so you
can live 24 7 with people filming you i said to my wife can we please put a bed
in here because i
could be i don't i'd love to just could you monetize your sleep like could you
i've already thought
i've already thought of it i've already thought of it how great would this be
okay yeah it's a dream
podcast so we get you to go to sleep it's it's we work with calm the the app
right and we get you
breathing and get you into sleep and then as you go to sleep then i take over
and i go all right we're
in and i i poke i take you through dreams that night really great dreams and
you can scroll and be
like i want to fight dragons tonight so now what do you mean by you take them
through dreams so so you
ever listen to a podcast while you sleep and also i always fall asleep to a
podcast this is the best
and then all of a sudden you're like you have a dream that like it's you and
hitler and you guys
are trying to clear out the eagle's nest before and you're like god damn it i
shouldn't listen to
fucking hitler podcast so you're doing the inspiring their dreams that are
nicer and then i'm like hey grab
that coke grab a coca-cola we're gonna be thirsty fighting dragons oh and we
put ad sales in there
oh so you're subliminally getting into their mind because because that's the
last escape people have
from the culture of advertising is sleep and we need to end that i had a dream
i had a dream i was
listening i listened to um to a podcast called this day in history i think it's
it's on noiser okay
and they did an ad read in the dream and the ad reads in the in the in the
podcast and the ad read
showed up in my dream and i i woke up and i went that's the future right you if
if you can find
podcasts that put people to sleep yeah some would argue that mine does right
then those and then you
put ads in people's heads while they while they sleep and then they wake up and
they're like it's
like program it's like mk ultra programming ultra programming yeah like while
they sleep and you
just can like tito's oh tito's you're gonna wake up tomorrow at 9 00 a.m and
have a glass of
tito's yeah and then you get in there who cares what your wife says jimmy dean
sausages yeah that'd be
great before we fight a dragon sausage sandwich in there with a nice runny egg
and american cheese
god i'm hungry now so now you're what is the next iteration of you could
because you're doing fully
loaded you're out on the road with a bunch of comics doing minor league
baseball stadiums doing minor
league baseball stadiums starting at forest hills we ended the gorge and we're
doing arenas and
minor league baseball stadiums you're one of the biggest arena comics in the
world what are you now
number three uh three or four four four four who are the first who are the
first three uh sebastian
fluffy and joe coy you can get him i'm i'm you can get i'm going after joe you
can get him i'm going
head to head with that you can get him he has the nation of the philippines the
whole nation if i
could just isolate a minority to fall in love with me yes we're going head to
head right i need i need
one i'm looking at the mongs fluffy did the mongs yeah what are the mongs they're
the hill people in
vietnam are they drunks no the mongs am i saying them wrong you need native
americans because there's
there's not enough of them but they're drunks and they live on reservations and
they eat horribly
and they may love you and you got to teach them like yes your land was stolen
but it's a party yeah
i could i would dude i partied with the native american one time yeah on crow
territory crow nation
and flying in his van and when i'm on a motorcycle trying to catch up with him
we're gonna go do where
custard's last stand was yeah and i'm flying on my motorcycle cop pulls me over
i'm like i'm dead i'm
dead i've been drinking i'm on a motorcycle i'm going 90 miles an hour funnest
maybe the all i kept
thinking was i'm gonna hit a cow right that's what my whole thought dude turns
around leave this land
right now to the cop he's with me ignore him let's go wow and i looked at this
cop like sorry white guy
yeah it's sovereign land dude sovereign land i could get down on sovereign you
can do anything how do i get
my land to be sovereign land well you have to be a cherokee oh or uh uh chicka
chicka chicka i was in
oklahoma city there's a lot of them chickasaw cherokee yeah you know you gotta
have you gotta have some
bloodline or you gotta trace some so i don't know that was that elizabeth warren
did she tried
yeah goes you know i'm part native american don't say that right she goes i can
say it i said no just
this it's better not to say it right i can say it i am my granny granny's meemaw
yeah it was something
my mother always used to say it my mother used to go i feel like i'm part cherokee
and my mother looked
like me in drag and i'm like there's there's nothing more offensive than this
comment coming out of your
fat white mouth that's the best so now you've got three did you ever think of
it because it's amazing
you've got three guys ahead of you yeah in this in in the terms of putting
people in seats it's crazy
is there is there a moment if you if you get if you beat them if you get to
number one
and you're the top comic in the world i go back to clubs immediately well then
what i mean what the
fuck it's like i'm already stressed out about what do you do i'm already
stressed out about what i do now
because right now i'm getting like like there is no like what like what what
else happens i mean
i made a i made a well i made a hundred thousand dollar bet with someone that i
would never uh do
raymond james stadium uh because i was like i was like that'll never happen and
the guy was like dead
seriously like i'll bet you a hundred thousand dollars it happens i mean i
ultimately i guess you're
kevin hart you have to pay you have to pay him yeah if i do it but i'm never
gonna do raymond james
i mean where is that in tampa like how much is it how many people
fucking seventy five thousand i mean but like that's heavy that's heavy it's
like i mean here's
the deal i mean you know what what am i saying i don't believe in negative talk
i believe in
positive talk and put it in the universe let's let's let's let that happen let's
let the machine
comes out memorial day weekend i hope it does great i hope it does great for a
lot of reasons
number one if the machine does great ladies and gentlemen you will be seeing
the tim dylan movie next
summer yeah well that is that we love that that is almost guaranteed well if
comics do well it helps
other comics right that's the thing people up on yes it's like you get jealous
of other comics no
dude when comics do great it helps you it just helps you no one looks no one
looks at joe coy
blowing the up right i mean and i'll tell you right now i'm different maybe i'm
different i remember one
time joe co