Name: Nugget Branding | The Tim Dillon Show #346
Uploaded: 2023-05-14T01:41:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nugget Branding | The Tim Dillon Show #346' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nugget Branding | The Tim Dillon Show #346' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-14. Transcript available.

Nugget Branding | The Tim Dillon Show #346

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here again.
Britney Spears has got to go back in.
I've been watching Britney Spears videos
for the last couple of days.
I've had off and I've been on the beach
and I've been looking at Britney Spears
and I've been deciding that parents know their children
and any parent that locks their child up
is not doing it by accident.
Any parent that tells the world,
my child cannot be with you is not doing it.
I think out of any type of a situation
where there's a choice,
I truly believe that we've now seen
the benefits of a conservatorship.
We should now be trying to,
we should put more people in conservatorships.
I don't think this,
this is a win for the conservatorship model of life
where your rights are stripped from you
and you are kept in your domicile.
Not abused, not hurt,
but kept in your domicile
by someone who knows better.
Her father clearly knew better.
Oh, you think I'm wrong?
Take a look.
Take a look at the clip.
Take a look at our evidence.
Put her in.
Put her back.
All you should hear is the clink of a cell closing.
Yeah, I mean,
she looks like a drunk girl
like from Long Island
who's like out on Tuesday night
instead of watching her kids.
I mean, this is sad.
It's truly sad.
She's clearly having some type of break
and there's nobody now legally
that can throw her in a closet
for 20 years,
which is what needs to happen.
Someone needs to grab her.
You know the dog catchers
from Lady and the Tramp?
So there needs to be a truck
to throw her in
and then take her somewhere
that she cannot leave.
This is not a purse.
And there's a new Britney Spears documentary
coming out
that all the celebrities
are worried about.
There's articles about that
saying that all of these celebrities
are worried that Britney Spears
is going to dime on them,
that she's going to say something like
the so-and-so touched me
or raped me
or I was 15
and that one grabbed me
because supposedly
it is a very graphic documentary
or it's an autobiography
that they're adapting
into a documentary.
I think it's a documentary.
I don't think she's writing.
Well, she wouldn't be writing,
but I think what it is
is kind of like a tell-all
and she's going to,
you know,
she came up in Hollywood.
She was in the Mickey Mouse Club.
I mean,
the things that she could say
probably about certain people
would be very damaging.
There's probably people now going,
we cannot have that documentary
come out about Britney
because she's going to talk
about the time
I did something
I should not have done,
you know,
backstage at the Mickey Mouse Club.
I was not always,
there's people sitting there going,
they're drinking scotch
in their backyard
and they're going,
you know what?
I was not always well behaved
when I was backstage
at the Mickey Mouse Club.
I was a little bit,
you know,
those were the old days,
you know,
you could just have fun.
Who knew what age
these people were?
So she's going to come out
and probably,
you know,
a few people's days
are going to be dampened
by these revelations
that she was probably,
I mean,
this is probably the result
and I don't know this,
I'm speaking out of turn
as I often do,
but this is probably
the result of abuse
at some point in her life
at the hands of one
or many people.
My guess,
my non-medical guess,
this is my non-medical guess
that at some point
in her life
when she started out
as what,
a Mouseketeer?
Wasn't she a Mouseketeer?
Right.
So between Mouseketeer
and now,
I believe at some point,
non-medical guess,
there was massive abuse
at some point.
Sexual,
physical,
verbal,
at some point
between Mouseketeer
and there was a real problem
and if she talks about it,
it's going to make
a lot of people uncomfortable.
This is the thing,
not all child actors
are going to end up
like me.
You know what I mean?
Like,
not all child actors
are going to end up
very well-adjusted,
homosexual,
ex-cocaine addict,
multi-millionaires
who are very successful
in their chosen field.
That's not going to happen
to everybody.
I've had a few bumps
along the way.
I'm not a perfect child.
I'm sure if,
you know,
you were my parents,
I mean,
or anyone's parents,
you'd want a quiet,
you know,
lacrosse-playing finance guy
that has a litter of children
in a big house
in Westchester County,
New York,
and, you know,
has a wife that loves
throwing parties
and da-da-da-da-da,
but you don't have that.
You have an ex-gay
cocaine addict
who thinks Trump
makes a few good points.
And that's not anyone's
idea of perfection
when you have a child.
That's not something
that you would go for
necessarily
because you would think
an ex-gay cocaine addict
would at the very least
not say something
about immigration
that would make
a dinner party
go cold.
But immigration
is kind of an issue
and if anyone knows about it,
it's an ex-gay
cocaine addict
because I knew a lot,
there was a guy
who used to sell me cocaine
named Albert
and he was not
from America.
And,
but what was good
about him
and shout out to him
if he watches,
some of them do.
And I don't mean
undocumented people,
although you're welcome to,
I mean people I used
to know in my past.
Albert had yellow coke,
which was good.
You know,
coke should be a little pink
or a little yellow.
Like,
it should have a little,
it should be a little off color.
When you get coke
that's too white,
it's been stepped on,
which means it's been
cut up a lot
with things like Anastol,
the $100 cut.
Maybe they're on
other things now.
I don't know.
Speed, whatever.
I loved coke.
You loved,
loved with an ED?
Yes, I don't do it.
I have natural energy.
I don't care what you say.
Like Marianne Williamson,
you cannot touch me.
I have a chakra
that protects me.
But the cocaine
that I got from Albert
was really,
really amazing.
It was off-white,
lovely color,
and he barely spoke English.
And sometimes we'd go
meet his cousin
in the Bronx.
And I don't know
if they were documented
or not.
And it doesn't matter.
And I'm not saying
that all undocumented people
are drug dealers.
I don't even know
how I got here.
I was talking about
Britney Spears being abused
at the mouse camp.
But my point is
that
if you are undocumented
and you are selling drugs,
they should at least
be good drugs, right?
Because we're expecting it
to be a higher quality,
a better class.
But the border
is becoming a problem.
The border is
the border
the border.
Because show these videos,
there are people
just running around
down there.
It's like spring break
except no one's having fun.
It's the Texas border
and everybody's running around
and everybody's waiting
on a line,
but no one's going
to Splash Mountain.
It's a horrible thing.
All of these migrants,
and that's what you call them.
I said that the other day
and they're like,
I don't think that's the term.
Someone literally said,
I don't think that's the term.
I'm like,
migrant is absolutely the term.
Look at all these people,
okay?
This is very sad.
All of these people
have come to America
because they're worried
about Britney Spears.
No, they're here
for a better life.
They're here for jobs.
Some of them are probably
here to do bad things,
but we don't know
who's who and what's what.
And it's a flood of people
into the country
and we don't know
where to put them.
And now they're shipping
them around
like a political football.
Like they sent 30 of them
outside Kamala Harris's house
and then they shipped them
to New York
and then Eric Adams,
our mayor asked them for blow.
And then if they couldn't provide that,
he shipped them out.
You remember a while ago,
Governor DeSantis of Florida
shipped them to Martha's Vineyard.
It's like hot potato
with these people's lives,
which is very sad
because they are human beings,
but also they are seeing
a lot of the country.
You know,
that is something,
no, to be honest,
I mean,
they're seeing more of the country
than people that have lived here
a long time.
Like the idea
that these governors
keep sending them
different places
to piss off other governors.
You're seeing Martha's Vineyard.
You're seeing D.C.
You're seeing New York.
These are the prime spots.
And I just,
you know,
it is sad
because these are human beings.
And I often think,
what if I was a migrant?
I think about this sometimes.
I do.
I, you know,
and a lot of people say,
no, you don't,
but I do.
And it would be so different
to be a migrant
than I,
you know,
because you,
it's,
you're coming
from a place
of total desperation
because you are
clinging to anything,
right?
And you're in America
and you're just kind of,
you don't know
what's going to happen.
Now, a lot of these,
obviously,
a lot of these migrants
are hard workers.
They're willing to work.
They will work.
They're not bad people.
They're not here
to cause harm.
Some of them are.
Those are probably outliers.
A small group of them
that are bad
and not good
and not,
you know,
but what is the economic cost
of absorbing
the amount of immigrants
that we've absorbed?
It's a lot, right?
It's truly a lot.
It's not,
it's not easy
for any country
to take in everybody,
you know?
And you got,
everybody's got to have
a place to go.
And I feel like
these people right now,
don't have a place to go.
So there were 30 of them
were sent to Kamala's house.
And what has come of that?
I don't know.
What is she?
Well, usually what happens
is they put them back
on a bus
and then they take them
to like another
ICE detention center, right?
But like this,
I think this looks like
either D.C.
Imagine them listening
to Kamala Harris talk
and then they decide
they want to go back
to their country.
They go,
she's the vice president.
She's like,
folks,
I'll tell you this.
Freedom is freeing.
For you.
For all.
And thus,
in the way that I believe
today,
we can make
a better union strong.
And then she walks back in.
What's she saying here?
Is she?
This was a word salad
the other day.
No, I don't believe it.
She put my headphones on.
She would give us
a hard time sometimes
and she would...
I'm barely working.
What's she saying over here?
Everything is in context.
That's correct.
My mother used to...
She would give us
a hard time sometimes
She didn't have a mother.
And she would say to us,
I don't know what's wrong
with you young people.
You think you just fell
out of a coconut tree?
What?
You exist in the context
Yeah.
She's great.
I love...
I'm telling you right now.
I can't explain to people
how big of a fan
I've become of her
as of late.
I cannot explain...
This new Alzheimer's
aunt thing,
she's got like
early stage dementia aunt
thing she's got going on
where she's like,
you young people
think you fell out
of a coconut tree.
But what you actually are
is you're here.
And it's like
the craziest thing.
Like, I think at this point
that's what I would do
because all of these problems
really are so unsolvable.
I think maybe
that's what I would do
if people are like,
what are we going to do
about the border?
I'm like,
my mother used to say to me,
you think you backed up
into a cactus,
but that's your ass talking.
You know, people are like,
what are you...
What are these colloquialisms?
These strange
sayings.
She's become fucking
the guy from House of Cards.
Kevin Spacey
who used to do
all those things.
My father used to say,
back in Gaffney.
My father had a saying,
back in Gaffney.
That's literally
what she's become.
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