Name: They Come & Go | The Tim Dillon Show #347
Uploaded: 2023-05-21T01:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'They Come & Go | The Tim Dillon Show #347' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'They Come & Go | The Tim Dillon Show #347' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-21. Transcript available.

They Come & Go | The Tim Dillon Show #347

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here again for your viewing pleasure.
Very sad, the Horses Restaurant in Los Angeles,
which I've never been to, is closing.
And it is a tragedy.
Chef of Hollywood Hotspot Horses
accuses husband and co-owner of physical assault
and animal abuse.
A friend of mine texted me the inside scoop
on why this is happening.
And this is the text that I got.
You guys, I have the scoop on why Horses is closing
and it's insane.
Apparently, it'll come out in the press soon.
Apparently, Liz and Will are 50-50 partners
and they had a bunch of cats.
And the cats kept dying and they didn't know why.
One day, Liz came home to Will
masturbating while choking the cat.
He had been killing all the cats as his way of getting off.
And that, my friends, is why Horses is closing.
You heard it here first.
Apparently, he did it to eight cats.
So, RIP to the Horses Restaurant in Los Angeles.
They come and they go.
It's unfortunate.
We're not going to spend too much time on that.
But you know what?
I always say, sometimes it's good to move on.
People have differences of opinion.
People have different lives and lifestyles
and want ultimately different things out of life.
I think this man wanted to get off
while murdering cats.
And his wife did not.
She also attempted that he tried to feed the cat to coyotes
because he didn't like it.
And she said she caught him violently shaking the cat late at night,
whereupon the pet died the next day.
Will put the dead cat in the trash
and insisted on keeping the corpse in the house.
Johnson also claimed in the filings
that Aharjanan, it's Persian.
Agajanian.
Agajanian.
The mental and physical abuse
kept her from realizing what he was doing to the cats.
It's unclear whether Horses is open for business.
And this was good.
People like this restaurant.
Well, what does one have to do with the other?
Can't they just get it together and make the food?
I mean, I understand not wanting to live with this man,
but can't they just come back together to make this food?
Because a lot of people enjoyed this restaurant
and it's really not fair to the patrons of the restaurant.
Responding to the allegations of domestic and animal abuse,
he said that he, quote, loved cats, mice.
This is terrifying.
He loved cats, mice, and every other animal under God, Allah,
whatever each religion calls him, her, God, Los Angeles, huh?
God, Allah, whatever each religion calls him, her,
and I've loved all animals since I was a child.
He continued by saying,
I have problems killing lobster and, well, try jerking off.
And usually try to do it in the most humane way possible.
Agajanian, Agajanian?
Agajanian.
Agajanian also told the Times he believed Johnson was,
quote, trying to take money,
trying to take my business away from me through divorce
by making up false narratives.
He alleged she falsely accuses me of things she has done
or that she has threatened to do to me and my pets.
My pets are like children to me and I love them dearly.
Well, that is the sad tale of the horse's restaurant in Los Angeles.
And it's a tale as old as time.
Boy meets girl.
Boy opens restaurant with girl.
Boy adopts cats.
Boy jerks off while killing cats.
Girl finds out.
Girl gets angry.
And it hits the press.
The horse's restaurant in L.A.
R.I.P.
The violence of the American cities, man,
it's got to stop two friends of mine in New York City.
They're trying to get home.
Two people, very private people,
love being under the radar.
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle.
They're being chased in a high-speed chase
all throughout New York City.
Now, many people have denied this happened,
including the person driving the car.
Including the cab driver driving the car in the New York Post
had basically said,
not really.
But I get it because these two,
and again, I'm turning,
I'm starting to like them now.
For a while, they were annoying to me,
but now they're,
see, sometimes when people are in the press constantly,
they become annoying
because they're trying to push a narrative
that we know isn't true.
Like that they were victims of something,
living in a castle,
and they had no idea
what they were getting into.
She didn't know what she was getting into.
I married this prince,
and I'm in a castle,
and then the press wants to see photos of the baby.
I had no idea
things like that would happen.
It's like, yes, you did, you did, you do.
Stop it.
So we know she's a fraud.
She's an actress.
She's a cold-blooded serpent.
So is he.
They're serpentine.
Now,
and they're annoying.
They were annoying.
They were annoying,
and we were sick of them,
but we talked about them
because they were fun,
and then they started to lose relevance,
of course.
So what they did was they cooked up this thing,
this false flag,
where they were going to try to simulate
his mother's death in New York.
This I like.
This, I think, is good.
This is something I think took creativity.
It took some type of planning.
We all know that Princess Diana was killed,
probably by MI6.
Who knows?
Maybe by others.
But she was dating Dodi Al-Fayed,
and that was a no-good, no-go
for a lot of the people,
maybe interested.
And maybe the press killed her in the tunnel,
but there's all kinds of, you know,
there's all kinds of inconsistencies
and whatever.
Who knows?
The world's complex.
So I don't know exactly who did it.
Some say MI6,
the massage.
It's probably everybody's,
maybe, involved with that.
I don't know,
but she died exactly that way,
apparently, supposedly,
maybe, kind of,
sort of being chased by the press.
So Meghan Markle
and Prince Harry
are now putting out
a false flag attack
that the press
was chasing them all
through New York City
in a high-speed chase
that endangered both of them,
and it was similar to Harry's mother,
and this is a great way
for them
to get back into the news
and to engender sympathy,
which is something
they're addicted to.
You know,
people can get addicted to sympathy.
They can get addicted to this.
This is a fact.
I know people
that are addicted to sympathy.
You ever met someone
who's, like,
parents died,
and then after a while,
you're like,
enough.
What happens is
people get addicted to sympathy.
They get addicted
to people feeling bad for them.
They like walking into a room,
and they like the hushed tones
of people feeling sorry for them
because it makes them,
it does two things immediately.
Number one,
it makes them interesting
because whatever is happening
to them is interesting
and horrible.
So it makes them
a sympathetic figure,
but it also makes them interesting.
It gives their life
something it didn't have before,
a meaning,
a purpose.
I am the person
that you were to feel bad for.
I've gone through so much.
You wouldn't understand.
You could never walk
a mile in my shoes.
So people really like
this feeling,
and I would guess,
and I'm no doctor,
but I would guess
that Meghan Markle
and Harry,
certainly Meghan,
I don't know
what he's even doing.
He doesn't even know either,
but Meghan has gotten
addicted to this,
this idea that,
this woman is a Hollywood actress
who was on a show,
Suits,
and her life
became interesting
by stepping into this role
and then rejecting it immediately
and claiming that she had
no idea what it was.
And so then it's,
but then they moved here
and they released that documentary
on Netflix
and it went the other way.
They thought,
well,
everyone's going to feel bad.
It's like Britney Spears.
We let her out
and it went the other way.
We're going back,
clink,
because we've now seen the results.
Meghan and Harry
thought they were going
to come to America.
They don't understand America.
America has a tragically
short memory,
number one.
So even if they did
come over here
as refugees,
as migrants,
we'd forget immediately,
which we did.
South Park destroyed them,
the worldwide privacy tour.
His book,
you know,
sold a lot,
but it was like
a nothing burger,
who cares?
And people just got sick of them.
They came,
they rented a big mansion
in Montecito,
in Santa Barbara,
a couple hours north of LA,
and they proceeded
to be annoying
to dad a big deal,
with I believe Netflix,
and then there was
a Spotify deal.
So they came to America,
rented a mansion,
and immediately started
to monetize
the horrible things
they had gone through.
And everybody eventually
got sick of them
because it was so crass,
and everybody could see
immediately
what they were both about.
They're hucksters.
That's what they are.
And I love a good huckster.
There's nothing wrong
with a huckster,
but we can see it.
It's right out there
in the open
for everybody to see.
They came here,
and they want to hang out.
And I know people in LA
that know them,
and all they want to do
is hang out with celebrities.
And I was at a celebrity party
the other night
talking to somebody
about this,
and they go,
these people are just,
it's constant with them.
They keep,
they were,
she was texting
the person I was with there.
And no,
you can't come.
But it's,
I shouldn't have even been there.
But the point is that
they just won't stop these two.
They're at the San Vicente bungalows.
They're all,
God forbid you stay out
of the Beverly Hills Hotel
when I'm eating my souffle.
For the love of Christ,
so help me God.
So help me fucking God.
I see that ginger.
Fuck.
You stay the fuck out
of the Beverly Hills Hotel.
It's probably too old school
and conservative for you anyway.
Stay the fuck out.
But they are just like
moths to the flame
trying to hang out
with select,
they're like,
they're like low grade
reality stars
that are trying to attach
to anything.
And I'm literally at the party,
they're showing me text
of this woman
begging people
to like hang out.
She's trying to get places.
It's sad.
And a lot of it isn't working.
And they're rolling their eyes to me
and they're going LOL.
And we're all having
a good laugh about this
because they're just
a bunch of goons
and no one cares.
Now listen,
at the end of the day,
I respect the hustle.
I get what she's trying to do.
I get what they're trying to do,
but it didn't work, right?
And a lot of people
at this party are like,
hey man, you know,
we text her back.
We try to be nice.
You know, she's the duchess,
but we've had enough, right?
We've had enough of her
and she's, you know,
it's enough.
So what they did now
in New York City,
the city that I lived in
for many years,
my home,
they've decided to invent
a narrative
where they somehow
are being dangerously chased
through the streets
just like Diana
would have been chased.
And the NYPD
reigned on their parade too,
quote,
the Duke and Duchess of Sussex
arrived at their destination
and there were no reported collisions,
summonses, injuries,
or arrests, okay?
The taxi driver
who ferried the couple home
after their event Tuesday
at the Ziegfeld Theater
told the Washington Post
he would not call it a chase,
adding that he felt safe.
They got followed.
You know why they got followed?
Because their entire lives
are about sucking
all the attention
out of anything
that they are involved in.
That's why a lot of these people
at this event the other night
didn't want them there.
And they didn't want
to be around them
at other things.
It's like all they do
is try to suck the oxygen
and the attention
out of everything
they're involved in
because it's about them
and their cockamamie
bullshit story
that the British royal family
was running around the house
with a noose.
And it's not,
none of it's true.
It's all canard.
It's crap.
And everyone knows it.
And so they're becoming,
it's becoming like,
it's the,
she is two years
and maybe not even two years
away from being
on a Real Housewives franchise.
She may not want to hear that,
but sister friend,
you,
and I'm not saying that
because you're black-ish.
I'm not saying that
because you're black.
I'm saying that
because I use the word
sister friend a lot
because it gives me,
it feels like a little weight
and credibility
and gravity
to what I'm saying.
I'm not racializing it.
Please doubt.
But I'm saying,
sister frie