Name: Tom Segura & Christina P. | The Tim Dillon Show #348
Uploaded: 2023-05-28T00:59:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura & Christina P. | The Tim Dillon Show #348' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tom Segura & Christina P. | The Tim Dillon Show #348' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-28. Transcript available.

Tom Segura & Christina P. | The Tim Dillon Show #348

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dillon show two very special guests we've
been trying
to get them for six years and i emailed their i i would text your producer once
every couple of
weeks for the last several years and we finally we've done it we've got it we've
got it done but
tim you're so fantastic and well that's well this gentleman is out me and you
could have done
yeah 90 hours of broadcasting we could have started a podcast in the time you
should yeah we should
like we could have and you're back now from the tour i'm back from the tour
yeah i'm very excited
to do this you know we we it was never there are people that you go like you
know i'm just busy
right and that's your way of being like i don't like you right but for you yeah
for you it was real
where i was i really was gone and um yeah no of course and i saw it was you
know occasionally
somebody'll ask me to do something yeah and they'll be like i'm like dude i'm
not in new york and then
i'll look at my instagram story there's a photo of me holding a bagel on 59 you
know what i mean like
i'm very i'm a bad liar we're all the same with that shit though everybody
wants to like you there's
the things you want to do because you like the person or you guys click or you're
a fan of which
we're all that with you like that's very sweet of you and and and it's always
been fun to watch your
your your crazy rise in all this shit but um it is like an art form to be of
how to get out of
things in this world in the comedy podcast world you're always like no the
thing is dude i um
i'm having ankle surgery yeah you're like what yeah i thought you broke your i'm
like no i did but i
found out my ankle's weak too so i use my mother a lot because she's in a
mental institution yeah that's a
good one so i just go what's great is i go my mother's not doing well now here's
the thing my
mother's never been doing well yeah it's been 30 years of my mother not doing
well i don't even know
what my mother doing well would look like you know what would that even be yeah
she's a morbidly obese
schizophrenic so if my mother walked to the door of her room and opened it
herself it's a win so what's
what's great about that is i just go you know my mother's not doing well yeah
so i'm gonna just take
some time with her yeah i'm just gonna take everybody has to go like yeah i get
it and you
love spending time with her i love it i i do it four times a year yeah and no i
do it as much as i can
but you know what it is she forgets when i'm there a lot so i go is this a real
um they've just given
her a phone like she got whatever the version of the new obama phone is but it's
like it's a phone
they're giving to lunatics and she can't turn it on and can't use it but it's
one of those state
programs like remember when they gave obama phones out they're like the problem
with all these people
so they can't communicate yeah but if they had the tools to communicate they'd
build a network
of people and you know they you know i don't know marshall their resources
together if others get
is it like a jitterbug is it like huge numbers it's a phone it's just fucking
she'll never
my aunt texted me her number i'll call her now there's no way she answers let's
call her there's
no way she answers because my aunt's answer my aunt texts me goes your mother
has a phone and doesn't
know how to use it so i just ignore these texts i just go like she goes your
mom has a phone she
doesn't know how to use it we're gonna have to teach her i'm like well i'm not
doing that
she's 70 if she can't use a phone let's write it off yeah let's see there's no
way
what's her name patricia
you don't have it saved i don't have it saved she's gonna lose it she's gonna
lose it there's
no way she has this in a month she's gonna say that one of the black orderlies
stolen
because she's racist yeah yeah she's a racist person my mom was so racist when
she died
my mother was schizophrenic too that's what tim and i have in common and i when
i went to clean
out her apartment because she was a shut-in for eight years yeah um i met the
security guard that
would look in on her from time to time yeah and i was like hey i'm christina i
know we've never met
because i've never fucking visited my mother right and uh i go i'm edith's
daughter and she goes oh
yeah i remember her she goes uh she goes yeah yeah she goes you know she was
okay to me she never
called me the n-word oh geez yeah and i was like that implies that she's been
calling other people
other people yeah other people man um yeah but not her not her so that was a
win yeah i don't think
my mother's using the n-word but she will
not yet she'll get there but like i will sit down with her and she'll be like
um she'll go uh there
are too many muslims in the country and i'm like is that your biggest problem
you've been immobile for
20 years pretty much and you're you're in this room and all you can do is watch
television and scream
muslims are bothering you but that's the way i get out of things and my mother
did tell me when i was
little she goes just tell people i'm dead she said that to me once if you need
to get out of
something just tell somebody that wasn't one of the nicest things that is a
very nice thing oh yeah
it's one of i mean everybody who has kids end up ends up knowing this that it
is the great like
cancel clause yeah it's like when someone's like hey do you want to you're like
dude i got yeah kids
right uh and then other parents know it they're like yeah yeah but they respect
it other right
it's code oh yeah it's code yeah you don't want to do this and you're like yeah
i don't have kids so
most comedians don't have that like not like a lot of comedians have that but a
lot of a lot of us
unfortunately are single there are some of us that go hey i'm a pedophile yeah
i can't i can't do it
there are some people that can you know can i say that i can't really uh i can't
make it saturday
um now do you guys ever get in do you do your kids have friends whose parents
are cool
yeah rarely yeah no there's like there's the ones where you're like you here's
the thing
our bar if anything is so high for what it's like to hang out with someone that's
true like none of
none of the kids parents are at the level of like i'm saying of fun and
entertaining as like
comedians like the most fun thing about being a comedian really is hanging out
with other comedians
100 like having dinner the hangs in the parking lot after the sets you're like
this i could do this
forever you do that night after night after night after night and then you can
hang out with like
some kids parents you're like i want to fucking die so your bar for that you're
like if this person is
marginally cool and fun it's it's entertaining enough like the worst is
children's parties
actually i'm gonna have to answer my kids to like a chuck e cheese and then you
know you have to make
chit chat which is a southern fucking pastime is chit chat small talk which i
can't do i want to put a
gun in my mouth right talking about the weather what are you gonna do this
summer oh jesus christ
you know i like to get comedy right that's the worst good oh and they're like
yeah they just kind of
smile and look at you and they're like you got any new stuff and you're like
what the fuck are you
doing yeah what is this about yeah you got any new stuff no do you think you'll
ever have children
i don't know um i'm deeply selfish yeah um this is a problem i think when you
have children
yes yes i if i had kids i'd want to spend a lot of time with them like bert
i i you know what i mean like i'd want to give them the attention and no i don't
know like
if i if i found a special guy who wanted to raise kids i think it's great
because
comedy you know is great success is good money's good all those things are good
but having a family
and like you know bringing up two one or two children to be kind of alt-right
sympathizing
reactionary podcast psychopaths like really i'd raise some of the worst people
i know that have ever
existed like really bad like really really bad inconsiderate people because i'd
have money
so they'd have money but they'd also be like i think very bad people which excites
me a little
that's very fun it feels like it would be really fun i feel like you know you're
so aware yeah and
that's like it's keeping you from doing it now but i think we all know that it's
in the cards this is
gonna happen i think so when you're in your 50s and you're like a low t yes day
yeah right now you're
you're at your peak you've got to get out there and fuck and you've got to go
and you can't how you
can't be tied down by like having to like no worry about like a child dying oh
no when you can do other
things yeah yeah don't do that don't do it right now i wouldn't do it now but
then later on it's a
good idea to like you know you have a child yeah and my godson is chinese which
i love i love
because it's something different yeah asians are so they're so cute they're not
only are cute
they are very competent they're intelligent smart do you think that's just
innate or is it it's innate
he's very cold he doesn't attach to his mother or father they've commented on
this at the school
he doesn't care when he's dropped off he won't even give them a look because
they are they are the
master race they're they're like they are they really fucking are they really
are and they so
are asian kids are so much better than our kids no he's just he does his own
thing he doesn't care
we even had in my school uh very small school yeah there was a couple one of
the asian kids just
dominate not just had the 4.2 gpa and was a classical trained pianist but she
also was dominant i think in
the swim team and you're like this is all facets this is across the board high
performance yeah it's
incredible i want my kid to be a trans athlete yeah like i want you know what i
mean like i want if i
had a kid i'd want them to be embroiled in a massive controversy like something
about like because
otherwise why why even have like leah thomas's parents are probably really
proud be like that's my
son daughter fucking everyone up in there like you know what i mean like i'd
want my daughter son
son daughter yeah to be kind of one of those people's like breaking boundaries
i love by the way i don't
agree with leah thomas taking all these girls titles but there is something
funny about seeing these
exasperated female swimmers who are like at the end of their rope and they're
like i was at the locker
room and she had her cock out and no one prepared me for it and it's like yeah
that seems kind of
unfair but it's also very funny it's very funny it's also funny when they're
like you were the number
one or two ranked swimmer yeah and a person came in and blew your records away
you're like oh i'll never
catch this never like it's so far in a way she's her records she was like 700th
yes yes as a man which
is like an incredible swimmer for sure right but switched over transitioned and
blew like made world
records i was on a swim team for many years my mother was a swim coach really
yes and i was a
lifeguard it's hard to believe now because i've i've left that path yeah but i
was a swimmer i'm still a
very good swimmer and i was on a swim team and it it makes you gay because
really yes well you blame
swimming well because you're just in a room with cox how lovely the whole time
so my my parents first
time i really took in cox oh yeah absolutely yes no i saw this guy william who
had a fully adult penis
at the time i didn't and he was the same age and i was like this is i'm fucked
this guy and i didn't see
i hadn't seen i was on the swim team i was like eight or nine and you see pubes
yes i hadn't seen
pubes on an eight or nine year old no no because there's other older kids oh
now you're making
sense what the fuck is this right wow so that's so swimming in general is a
very weird crazy gay
sport and i shaving your body shaving your body speedos i liked it it's be