Name: How To Help | The Tim Dillon Show #350
Uploaded: 2023-06-18T23:24:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How To Help | The Tim Dillon Show #350' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How To Help | The Tim Dillon Show #350' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-18. Transcript available.

How To Help | The Tim Dillon Show #350

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are very sorry it's taken us a long time to get these episodes out for you.
You know, we are late. We're a day late here.
We took off last week because we had two bears with Tom Segura.
If you've not listened to that, you should.
And our Patreon episode will be out later today, but we were just finishing up
a little bit of a studio revamp and the last few shows
on this first mini leg of a tour.
I wasn't out there doing a ton of stand-up.
I was in a movie that I carried a little bit.
Even though it was one scene, it was kind of the glue in the film.
And it monopolized a lot of my time, three months of my time,
shooting what will be like a mega blockbuster, hopefully.
And I was unable to be on the road the way I kind of am.
And so we kind of strung together a tour that was all over the place.
But a lot of you guys came out and we sold out Chicago Theater
and we almost sold out the Masonic.
There was a few tickets left in San Fran, which is, wow, is that bad over there.
You know, it is not, it is not, it is not a right-wing media narrative
that San Francisco is bad.
It is truly bad.
It is mouth agape.
You like the bear from the Sochi Olympics?
Thank you, Russia.
But it is mouth agape.
Oh, my God.
I've never seen anything like this.
Broad daylight.
Horror.
And, you know, all the stores are leaving.
And so I was really impressed.
We did about 2,000 tickets in a city in that condition.
That's great.
I think that's great.
I'm happy with that.
I am happy with that.
I think it's going to be the next American city to fall.
Remember when Detroit fell?
Yeah.
Detroit fell.
That's how you knew people had given up on the country.
Detroit didn't have a police force.
They didn't, it was hard to get water to certain parts of the city.
Like, the city fell.
And we went, okay, San Fran is going to be the next city to be completely
abandoned, which is sad.
The food is amazing.
We went to a Chinese restaurant, picked it at random, and we went right after
the show.
Some of the best Chinese food you'll ever have.
It's an important city culturally.
It's an important city in a lot of different respects, you know?
Economically, it was very important to Northern California.
A lot of the, you know, tech companies originated in San Francisco.
But now it is, it is as, it is as bad as it's going to get.
I don't know how it gets worse.
I don't.
I don't know what could happen to make it worse.
And, you know, there's nothing to do except go in and then leave immediately.
But it is fun if you like a little bit of disaster tourism, which I like.
I think, and you got to be sick fucks to enjoy it.
But if you're watching this, you are.
Part of the fun of the next 30 years in America will be kind of a disaster
tourism.
Going to the worst places, there will be many, where you have fentanyl addicts
in the street.
I saw a guy in San Fran, he was shitting and jamming himself with a needle in
his leg.
And, you know, I got to be honest with you.
Listen, is it sad?
Yes.
But you have to make the best of it.
And I do believe that, like, part of the next, you know, the next phase of
tourism in America will be like, it's not only going to be like, let's see the,
you know, Yellowstone National Park.
It's going to be like, let's see the city that everybody's fleeing.
Let's go to the place that every, and it's kind of fun.
And you get into the Chinese restaurant, you're like, looking outside, you're
like, what's going on?
And then you see like a, the homeless person and they're like, kind of, they
got a thing over them and they're draped in like a cape.
But they're still on the motorized chair and they just go by and then you're
like, you're hitting the guy next to you.
You're like, look at that.
Look at that.
We're in it.
We're in it.
It's fun.
It's a little fun.
And you have to embrace it.
And I think kind of that's San Francisco's next move.
It's like, we're a ghoulish attraction.
It's become a ghoulish attraction.
And it's a little fun, you know, because the food is great and it's fun, but
you're always kind of alert.
I mean, why are these faggoty Americans going to escape rooms?
Why are they manufacturing danger for their sad, suburban, meaningless lives?
Go to the cities we've ruined.
Go to the cities that we've destroyed with our politics.
Go to the places where we've crushed the human spirit and enjoy them for what
they are.
I mean, isn't that better than doing a dumb escape room or doing something
stupid?
These people go to haunted houses, haunted hay rocks.
You don't need any of that.
You're an adult.
Adults should go to these.
Go to Flint, Michigan.
And here's actually why you can't get mad at me.
Because I know people are getting maybe like, they're like, oh, this is
actually not tasteful.
It is, and I'll tell you why, gawking at the human waste.
Because it's just a waste of potential, of life, whatever you want to say,
right?
I mean, it's not, I'm not into, they are human beings.
And I'm not trivializing the problems.
What I'm saying is, gawking at them in their moment of need actually helps them.
Because the tourism money they need.
If you go to Flint, Michigan to gawk at the hell, you're filling up the hotels,
you're filling up the restaurants.
It's actually good for them.
It's actually not what you're thinking, it's the other way.
So all these people that are like, well, this sounds actually pretty heartless.
So you're telling me I should go with my suburban, you know, comfortably middle
class group of friends.
And we should go do a night or two in a disaster area like San Francisco.
Yes.
Yes, because the tourism dollar helps them.
And it is a little fun.
It's fun.
Because, you know, this is going to sound horrible.
At a certain point of drug addiction, and I've been a drug addict, you really
are not a person at that point.
You're not a person at that point.
It's really true.
No one wants to talk about this, but I'll do it.
Because we have a beautiful set and we have the Sochi bear provided by Russia.
Now, you're not.
I've been there.
I have been in the depths of a drug addiction.
Meaning I was a, you know, and I think maybe the worst of it was when I was in
my early 20s.
I was directionless.
I was working in finance and I was doing drugs all the time, snorting cocaine,
drinking, smoking weed, taking pills.
I was not a human being at that point because I was, you become the drug.
You just become this thing that wants drugs and you want to feel better and you
exist in a binary state of being either high or anxiety ridden trying to get
drugs.
Those are the only two.
It's a binary existence.
And those drugs pale in comparison to fentanyl or Crocodile or whatever the
hell is going on in San Francisco.
Trank dope or whatever the new things are.
You can't even keep up with them.
So I'm not saying that these people at one point weren't human beings and I'm
not saying there isn't a human being down deep in there.
But at this point, they may as well be animatronic.
You know, it's a small world.
It's a small world after all.
At this point, they may as well be animatronic.
It's a small world.
Because they're not, they're making shapes with their own bodies that no one's
ever seen before.
The way they can bend and shift and the things they're doing, the way their
eyes are darting around, they're wearing this.
And it's really amazing, the post-apocalyptic stuff they're wearing.
They're doing big hats and it's very black and large capes.
And I like it.
I think it's actually good.
It's very, and they're on the motorized scooter.
And I'm going to send you, I'm going to send you and I want you to bring this
up.
And I want you to close up on this woman.
And I don't know if it's a woman and it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
And again, I'm not trying because this, this helps them.
Do you get it?
Are you with me on this?
Going and gawking, going and giggling, going and going, oh my God, it helps
them.
I'm telling you.
And I know it doesn't seem like it does.
I am, but it does.
It does.
It does.
It does.
And I don't know the problem.
So here I'm sending this to the good producer.
And now I want you to put this up on the screen for everyone to see, because I
want you to
basically let me, and we're going to close up.
We're doing close up on this person here and this woman.
Now, again, this, and people are going to get, I already see people going to
get angry with
me, but that does it.
I can't not do what I do here because I'm making sense.
Now I want you, I just sent you the closeup version too.
The next version is going to be close up.
I'm sending now.
Okay.
You can do it yourself.
Get in there.
Get in on her tight.
Get in on her tight.
Oh my God.
Okay.
Listen, when I tell you, this is one of the better looking people in San
Francisco right
now.
Now, listen, they go by and they zip by you.
And it's fun because by, listen to me.
I know that, I know that this isn't, but it's true.
Why are people, why are you mad at me?
I didn't give them the fence at all.
I'm not letting them do this to themselves.
I am not letting them do this to themselves, but I like that hat she has.
It's sort of a, that hat with the, on the top with that, look at the fit for a
minute.
Look at the fit.
Cause the fit is actually not bad at all.
By any stretch, the fit is not bad.
Now, I hope this woman goes to heaven soon because we have let her, now you can
get it
away now, but you, we have let her, here's the problem.
We have let these cities descend into chaos.
We have let people destroy their lives with narcotics because we feel like it
is compassionate
to not arrest them, force them into treatment, or put them in jail.
And because we have decided that all the problems in America, and there were
some of them that
certainly come from inequality.
We know that we're not dumb.
San Francisco is one of the highest housing, you know, it's crashing now, but
it's one of
the most expensive places to live.
And we know that people can get forced into homelessness because they're in a
real estate
market that is pricing them out.
And we know that, and we're not saying, but we, we also have to recognize that
the homeless
problem in San Francisco is not just a function of the rising cost of housing.
It is a function of, of rampant drug use that has been normalized in every part
of the
city where people that are addicted to drugs can do them in the street, can buy
them in the
street, can turn tricks, uh, you know, with their bodies and buy drugs
immediately after.
It's not simply just about wealth inequality, which is a great talking point of
people.
There's many other things that are going into it.
Um, it's an issue of, um, it's an issue of policing.
It's an issue, frankly, of what you will tolerate as a city.
So I am saying at this point now, absent any other options, going to San
Francisco and gawking
at the people whose lives have been destroyed by the politics of that city is
actually the
most humane thing you can do.
It is the most humane thing you could do because otherwise you are ignoring it
and you're not
spending your money there.
And even if you spend your money there, will it help?
Not really, but it's better than not spending your money there.
They need a tax base.
They need something.
They need to give someone a blanket.
So the reality is I know that it seems cruel and heartless to suggest my course
of action,
which is to make San Francisco a tourism hub for people that want to just, you
know, they're
kind of bored and they're, and they want to go there and they kind of want to
be like,
oh my God.
But I'm telling you right now, it's actually great.
It's actually the right thing to do.
It's the right thing to do.
Um, because it infuses the city with capital.
And if we're not going to solve it, if we're not going to develop better
policies, um,
the only thing left to do truly, truly is to, to, to see it as a kind of a
haunted house,
like a screen park, to see it as a little bit of a screen park and to go