Name: Free Lizzo | The Tim Dillon Show #355
Uploaded: 2023-08-02T16:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Free Lizzo | The Tim Dillon Show #355' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Free Lizzo | The Tim Dillon Show #355' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-02. Transcript available.

Free Lizzo | The Tim Dillon Show #355

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here and we have been absent from your computer screen for about 10 days.
And we apologize for that.
I was in Ibiza all summer in Ibiza and the Amafi Coast and all of those places.
And I'm there because I'm invited.
And that's why I go.
Because when you are doing whatever you're doing, I'm in Ibiza.
With my friends.
And I'm in the Amafi Coast and the south of France and Denver, where I was.
Actually, I was actually in Denver.
I was in Denver.
America's Ibiza, Denver.
Colorado doing stand-up comedy at one of the greatest clubs in the world.
The Denver Comedy Works.
And we had amazing shows.
Even the Sunday show at 4 p.m.
You forget how fun it is to do comedy for 300, 380 people.
However big the room is.
But it was intimate.
It was fun.
And thank you to everybody that came out.
The American Royalty Tour is on sale right now.
TimDillonComedy.com.
All of my dates are up.
Including Carnegie Hall, where I'm going to take my own life.
So that is, you know, whether you want to buy a ticket to a show after that is
something.
But I am ceremoniously going to take my own life at Carnegie Hall after the
show.
But, um, I'm kidding.
Of course, the dates are on the website.
We're not going to go through all the dates you can read.
Um, I like Denver.
It's a town stuck in the 90s.
Um, it is oddly without an identity.
Um, and I don't know.
It's not quite Portland and Seattle.
It's for people that like it a little weird.
But not as far gone as Portland or Seattle.
You want your girlfriend to be bisexual, not non-binary.
If you're in Denver.
You can have blue hair.
You can finger your friend.
But you got to be a gender.
It's Denver.
And then if you go to Portland or Seattle, then you can really let fucking
loose.
But that's what Denver seems to be.
You know, you see the people hiking.
It's the outdoors, the mountains.
They don't know.
They're empty vessels in Denver.
They're trying to get filled up with something.
And I'm bloated now because I was in Denver.
The oxygen, because it's high altitude.
And don't say, and I know what all of you are going to say.
I know what you're going to say.
That's not what.
I know what's going to happen.
Every comment, top comment.
Bloated because he's in Denver?
I know what you're going to say.
It is a fact that at high altitudes people bloat.
That is a fact that I have read.
Because the air in your stomach begins to, you know.
And it just, you go out like that in Denver.
Because I was up at the altitude of around 5,000 something feet.
And that, that is a huge reason for the bloating.
And I know that many people will disagree with that.
Or have their own, you know, snide remark.
You can have a snide remark about it.
But it's the facts.
It's true.
But that's where I was.
So that's, I was not in Ibiza.
But to everyone who is, that's great.
I'm not mad at anybody.
Everyone's on vacation now.
Everybody.
Every comedian.
Every human being I know is on vacation somewhere cool.
And I am not.
Everybody I know is in Europe or Italy or Croatia.
And I am in Denver eating a green chili, which is not good.
Green chili is not good.
I don't know what it is.
It is not good.
And I'm eating a green chili burrito.
The bloating is the altitude.
But I was eating a green chili smothered burrito in Denver.
Not in Ibiza, but in the Mile High City, Denver.
And in that time that I was away from you all, I imagine, I've heard about,
and this is not a big deal, it's the summer and the Obamas killed a sex slave.
And it's such a, it's so strange to me that this even makes news.
And that any of you are shocked by this.
There was a really hot chef who worked for the Obamas.
He's a hot chef, which, by the way, immediately, again, it's like, okay,
even though chefs are getting hotter.
Tafari Campbell, RIP, paddleboarding death, riddle.
Cops left call log reporting Obama's private chef drowning blank
and said it came from two miles away
as they refused to reveal who he was with on the water.
If I was Obama, and I am, and if I was gay, which I am,
but I'm not black and I wasn't the president,
but if I was bisexual maybe,
and I would have a hot chef, I would, and I would fuck the hot chef.
And if the hot chef, and this is, again, purely speculative,
I don't know anything.
I'm just telling you what I would do, what I would do.
So don't say I'm spreading conspiracies or entertaining anything.
I'm telling you personally what I would do.
I would fuck the hot chef.
If the hot chef got mouthy, I would drown him in a pond.
In Martha's Vine, I would drown him in a pond.
That's what I would do.
I don't know if that's what Obama did.
I don't know if that's what he had done.
I'm just telling you, if that was me,
it's very strange that anyone drowns in a pond.
It can happen.
Sure, it can happen.
These things can happen.
He was supposedly a very strong swimmer.
I think people were putting up videos of him swimming.
Martha's Vineyard Police left the reason for the 911 call
reporting Obama private chef Tafari Campbell's drowning.
Why would they leave it blank?
The night of the accident?
Yeah, there was just hours missing.
Maybe they didn't know?
There was just hours missing.
You can't request the public records of it for some reason,
so you're never going to hear these 911 calls.
Usually they play them on the news.
The Democrats run Martha's Vineyard.
Yeah.
They've done it.
They've ran it since Teddy Kennedy
and that bitch went in the water.
Since they ran it, they've run it.
That's their island.
The Republicans have Palm Beach.
Jeffy Epps.
Ghislaine.
Trump.
They have Palm Beach.
Democrats have Martha's Vineyard.
The Hamptons a little bit for everybody.
But that is a Democrat island and they take care of their own.
They protect their own.
If somebody's dead in a pond, we don't know why that happened.
They go, let's get to that.
Now, this is sad.
We don't know what happened, clearly.
Apparently, he was at their residence and they aren't there.
Is that odd?
Do you let the chef use the residence?
I'm asking.
I'm asking that.
Even though he's a family friend, does the chef get to use the estate in Martha's
Vineyard
when you're not there?
The fuck he does.
My chef?
My chef?
What are you doing?
Who are you cooking eggs for?
You're going to my estate, which is, is this what we're being fed?
That's the reality.
Right?
No one's there.
Right.
It's the chef.
The chef calls Obama and goes, I need some time to reflect.
And Obama goes, why don't you stay at our house?
Is this weird?
Am I nuts?
Am I crazy?
I'm asking the question.
Like, I don't know.
I'm thinking of how this goes down.
Do they offer him the property?
Does she say, does Michelle go like, hey, if you ever want, you know,
we got that space out there.
We got that spot.
Why don't you enjoy it?
Is this what goes on?
Does, like, Bill Clinton's dog walker go to his house when they're not there?
Who's going to, what's happening?
Is the guy the chef or is he a family friend?
Now, I know he's a family friend.
Do you have videos of him swimming?
Yeah, yeah, here we go.
There's videos of this man swimming.
Supposedly he drowned and I thought he was in the open ocean.
Now, by the way, guys, don't come at me and say you're a conspiracy monger.
I'm not a conspiracy monger.
I don't talk about anything that's not proven.
I respect Obama and I respect Big Mike.
And I won't ever entertain spreading narratives that aren't true.
If Big Mike says this happened, it happened.
And I have no issue believing that.
Let's see if this guy can swim.
So, this is him swimming from seven years ago, eight years ago.
Well, what happened in those seven or eight years?
He probably got even better as a swimmer.
Let's see.
He's not great.
He's not using his arms.
Well, he's kicking.
Okay, here he goes.
He's got flippers on, though.
That's kind of cheating.
He's doing fine.
It's a pond.
This man was murdered.
So, he became their chef.
Wow.
The Clinton's White House chef.
Now, this is interesting.
This is fun summer stuff.
Is this true, though, Travis?
There's several chefs that have died over the years.
Did you know that the Clinton's White House chef also died from drowning in
2015?
I saw this thing.
How does this happen?
Folks, does anybody, is this, can you question anything?
Is everybody's chef just at their estate when they're not there?
What?
I mean, that's even more disturbing to me than them being drowned.
Here we go.
New York Post.
Get the help off the property if they're not working.
Listen, if you are a chef and one of these motherfuckers goes,
use my house, they're trying to kill you.
They want to kill you.
They don't want the chef in their house unless you're cooking them food.
Yeah.
They don't want you in their fucking house.
That's the first rule of being rich.
You want to own a lot of houses and have them be empty.
Tafari Campbell's drowning parallels tragic death of Clinton's chef.
What?
That's right.
The tragic drowning death of former White House sous chef and Obama's personal
chef,
Tafari Campbell, over the weekend.
They're sadly similar to the premature demise of another White House kitchen
veteran.
Campbell's death comes just eight years after Walter Schraib.
Schraib.
Schraib.
who served as the White House executive chef from 1994 to 2005 and was found
partially submerged in a ravine in the New Mexico mountains in 2015.
He was reported missing by his girlfriend on June 14th, one day after he failed
to return from a hike.
Well, maybe that's more reasonable because he's hiking out in nature.
I don't know.
Now, this guy, Campbell, is on a paddleboard in a pond.
Do you have any photo of the pond behind the Marcy's Vineyard property?
Yeah.
I'm never going to Marcy's Vineyard.
You're not going to kill me.
If I drown, they killed me.
I'm an incredibly strong swimmer.
If I drown, I was murdered by the Obamas because, so this is the pond, and what
is it called?
It's pretty big.
Is it Edgar Town?
No, hold on.
I think it's Edgar Town Pond.
It's pretty big.
They have a stunning estate on Martha's Vineyard, which is a beautiful island
off the coast of Massachusetts where wealthy celebrities and politicians,
a lot of political people have homes, and sadly, this Obama chef was there
alone.
He was alone?
That's what they say.
He was alone in the house.
Well, there was another person paddleboarding with him, but they won't say who
it was yet.
Okay.
Fair enough.
The former first couple have purchased a nearly 7,000-square-foot home on
Martha's Vineyard in Massachusetts for $11.75 million.
I think that was in 2019.
So somebody is paddleboarding with this guy.
This guy has a medical emergency, which can happen.
Strokes, aneurysms, aortic, whatever.
And he goes down.
Or the person paddleboarding with him, he says something like, you know, this
thing with Barack, I want to talk about it.
I feel like we had something.
And then the person on the paddleboard goes, you can't do that.
That's not the way the world works.
And then he's like, yeah, but I just have to.
And they're like, it's, you know, this isn't it.
And then they, you know, inject him with something on the board, because he's
paddling, and they paddle up to him, and they get him.
I mean, that's maybe, I don't know.
And then it appears maybe like a heart attack or something.
I don't know.
I just know this is very sad.
I hope it's natural causes.
I don't really know.
I just find the entire thing strange to me.
That doesn't mean that it's not valid, or, you know, that doesn't mean that it,
obviously, it's very tragic, and I'm not trying to make light of the tragedy of
it.
But if they killed him for a good reason, then that's what it is.
And that's, you know, that's, that, you know, that's a way to do it.
Somebody's, that's, weird shit happens around these people.
Around these people that run our country, very strange things tend to happen.
People are suicidal.
People have all kinds of weird accidents.
People get stuck in ravines.
People collapse on paddle boards.
This happens a lot.
