Name: The Vast Majority | The Tim Dillon Show #361
Uploaded: 2023-09-16T22:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Vast Majority | The Tim Dillon Show #361' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Vast Majority | The Tim Dillon Show #361' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-16. Transcript available.

The Vast Majority | The Tim Dillon Show #361

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Thank you to everybody who came out to the
Barry Weiss event that I did comedy in front of.
The very important
Barry Weiss event.
It was a debate sponsored by the Mossad
in which we discussed the proposition,
should women start getting hit again in the movies?
Should they start getting punched in the face?
But in kind of a romantic way, like to calm her down.
And the answer was no, but it was close.
It was 51 to 49, and the great Anna Hachian
from Red Scare was there, and she was the funniest one.
But Louise Perry was there as well, who's very smart.
And then Sarah Hader, who's really smart.
And then Grimes, who's very entertaining and, you know, smart in her own way.
And it was a good debate.
I stayed about 40 minutes, and I did, and that was fine.
That was more than enough.
I mean, Jesus Christ.
I heard about that after party.
It's on a rooftop, and, you know, it's just, you know, you do it.
It's fun.
You move on.
It doesn't need, you know, it doesn't have to be a convention.
So thank you, Barry, for including me.
I appreciate it.
And, you know, everybody, more and more people are on Ozempic.
That's all I can tell you.
Everybody I bump into in Hollywood and Los Angeles is on Ozempic.
And it's a miracle drug, apparently.
But in rare cases, you can get something called gastropariasis,
or paresis, where your stomach refuses to empty.
It will not empty out.
So you are nauseous kind of for the rest of your life when eating food.
But that is very rare cases.
But everyone you meet in this town is on Ozempic.
I'm not going to say who's on it, but I'm saying people you bump into,
and they go, are you on Ozempic?
I'm on Ozempic.
And I'm happy for everybody that's on it.
And who knows?
I might do it.
I'm a pussy.
I'm a pussy.
And doctors, they're telling me they don't know if I should do it.
And I mean doctors.
These people are the scum of the earth.
They'll tell you to do anything, really.
So if doctors are saying just, we don't know yet, doctors.
Their job is just to sell your shit.
If they are telling you to wait, doctors.
The lowest of the low.
Doctors, people, they have to literally make them do the Hippocratic Oath first.
Do no harm.
They have to make them say that because they know how sick they are in the head.
Doctors, if they're even saying, wait, maybe, or let's see what happens.
And some of them aren't.
Some of them are going, go for it.
We don't know.
But a lot of them are afraid now because of that thing on Netflix called Painkiller
where everybody is mad at the Sacklers.
And I'll tell you this.
I found out at my mother's wake, she was a pharmaceutical rep.
She was one of those hot chicks.
She used to be hot.
And she was like selling speed and stuff.
And I was so proud of her.
By the way, let me mount a much-needed defense of the Sackler family right now.
Let me, because I haven't heard any.
There's none.
There's not one person defending the Sacklers.
I thought about it the other day.
I said, everybody, you know, has betrayed these people.
They've deserted them in their hour of need.
There's not one person willing to say maybe this is a two-sided issue.
Maybe there's more to this.
Maybe somebody had a bad back.
Here's the deal.
Does it or not, does it work or not?
That's number one.
Does it work or not?
Are you still in pain or not from the boating accident?
Do you feel better after the boating accident or not?
Or do you want a leave?
They created a product that works.
And the problem is it worked too well.
And they knew it worked really, really, really, really well.
That's the whole point of that show.
They knew how well it worked.
And they kind of were like, hey, we're just going to let you know it's good.
But we don't want to tell you it's that good.
We don't want to tell you it's great.
And I'm aware that hindsight is 20-20.
The Monday morning quarterbacking is big.
Everybody likes to beat up on the family that got us all addicted to opioids.
Okay?
I understand that.
Instinctually, maybe I might even agree with it if I were of a lesser mind, as
many of you are.
I wish I was in that condition, in that state.
Because it must be easier to kind of go through life questioning nothing.
And always walking around.
By the way, they have a great wing at the Museum of Natural History that's
beautiful.
Get up to Sackler Wing at the Museum of Natural History because that's good.
It's not only if you've made money, it's what have you done with your money.
And now all these boards are going, let's give back their money.
What about all the money that they took from, like, these fucking military
industrial complex groups
that have literally killed people all over the world, but that money's good,
but the money from the Sackler family is not good?
Don't you think it's odd, by the way, that we only have a problem with one
family in the pharmaceutical world?
Isn't that strange that it's one evil family and no one else?
Nobody else has done anything wrong.
There's no other drug that we should look at.
It's just OxyContin.
There's no other meds out there that we may not need.
We're the most medicated country in the world, but there's nothing else that's
a problem.
The only thing that's a problem is literally the most obvious thing.
The most obvious thing that turns people into zombies running around.
We'll criticize that.
But isn't it interesting that we've directed all...
Does anyone find that interesting that we've directed all of our attention to
one family
and the ruling class has decided to evict them from the boards of museums and
charities
and they've decided to give back their donations and say,
your money's no good here.
Take your money away.
We only take money from the military and people that do only good.
We only take money from people that do only good things.
Like Boeing.
Don't you think it's odd that there's just one family that everybody's focused
on,
this one evil family of evil people that were born evil.
They're born evil.
It's odd to me.
It seems like we've scapegoated them.
I'm not telling people to do Oxycontin.
I liked Percocet.
Stick with Percocet.
That's the message of the show.
The message of the show.
Vicodin might not be enough for you.
I understand that.
Vicodin's light.
It's a mom thing.
I used to do open houses with a fat realtor named Nula.
And she used to give me Vicodin.
And we used to walk ourselves because no one would come to the open houses.
We used to do them on this small island, Harbor Isle, where I grew up.
It doesn't matter.
You can Google it.
And we used to walk around the island, you know, and all viked up.
And it feels nice because your joints kind of glide.
But the point is, if you want to get, you know, I get that doesn't seem fun
maybe to people listening.
But then you do Percocet because Percocet's nice.
But that's habit forming as well.
But Oxycontin, I remember I took it a few times.
I ended up on a couch.
Me and my buddy just kind of going, ugh, staring at each other.
We got like dope sick.
It's not fun.
It's not fun.
But pretending that it is the only drug that is a problem in this country.
It is the only thing that we should monitor at all.
It is the only, the only pharmaceutical problem we have is the evil Sackler
family with Oxycontin.
That's it.
That's the only issue.
There's not, nobody else is pushing anything on you you shouldn't take.
Nobody, you know, because all those 18-year-old kids collapsing on soccer
fields,
having heart attacks because of Oxycontin, right?
It's all bad.
I love when, oh, by the way, it's going to sound crazy, but go with me here.
When all of the rich people decide to evict one rich family, take the side of
the family they've evicted.
Take the side of the family they've listened to me, not emotionally.
Take your emotions out for a minute.
What I'm saying is when all of these people decide that one group of people,
that they all knew what they were doing.
There was nobody that didn't know how the Sacklers made their money.
There was no one that didn't know.
So what are you guys in?
Machine parts?
What do you guys do?
Are you import-export?
What do you do?
Do you run art galleries?
What do you do?
They knew it.
Everyone knew how they made their money.
There's not one group of, they're all at the dinner party.
And the Sacklers are there.
And everybody's going like, how do they, how do they have a lot of money?
Everyone knew.
Everyone knew.
Some of the people took the drug.
Some of the people, drum roll please, were in on it.
They were, they were invested.
They thought it was great.
They just didn't come up with the thing.
So this one family who created this drug that has become a nightmare for people.
I don't advocate drug use.
I'm sober for 12 years.
The only reason I'm able to do anything as a human being on this planet is
because I am sober.
If you even think you have a drug or alcohol problem, you do.
And you should get help.
That's true.
But I'll tell you something else.
But for the people that aren't, or maybe a little on the fence, stick with
perks.
I think that's a happy medium.
I'm not going to tell you to do nothing.
Life's hard.
Stick with perks or a little Viking.
Because the oxys are too much.
And it's like abstinence only education.
It's not realistic.
The kids are going to fuck anyway and have kids.
So you got to teach them a little bit about the condom.
But you can't teach them it in the fifth grade.
There's got to be a little, there's a little, you know, when you're in high
school, you go,
here's the thing.
This is what you use.
If you're going to do it, don't do it.
But if you're going to do it, wear the condom.
If you're going to do it, don't do it.
But if you, and that's the way out, that's what I'm telling you.
Don't do it.
But if you're going to do it, take a Vicodin.
Take a Percocet and take a nice drive around Connecticut and take a nice walk.
Go antiquing with two Vicodin.
You don't need Oxycontin.
That's the problem.
You take a couple of Vicodin, you go antiquing on a Sunday in Connecticut and
you have a warm
lobster roll.
It's fine.
That's fine.
You got to learn to live with that level of intoxication.
You have to learn, you know, my friend's mother, who was a prostitute, but was
brilliant
in her own way, said once, I handle my drugs.
I handle my drugs.
I've learned to handle my drugs.
I'm good at drugs.
She said that because I've learned to handle my drugs.
Handle your drugs.
She said that when we were 13.
Handle your drugs, she said in her kitchen to us.
My friend, my lesbian friend.
Handle your drugs, she said.
You have to handle your drugs.
You have to, you can't drink to the point where you vomit.
You can't.
People have used substances for enjoyment forever and it's not a popular thing
to say, especially
a sober guy.
I lack the power of using recreational drugs.
Many people do not.
I know people that drink often and smoke marijuana a lot.
I know people that go on ayahuasca retreats and have horrible ideas for scripts
afterwards.
I know people that take DMT.
I know people that do everything.
That roll on Molly.
They go to raves.
They're 48 and they're at raves.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
But they can do it.
I cannot.
I have lost the power over that.
I'm incapable of it.
My advice is to the people that are capable of it.
Be good at your drugs.
Be good at your drugs.
It's not an abstinence message.
It doesn't work.
Telling everyone to not do drugs is not really maybe realistic or even ideal.
How much funner are certain people drunk?
How much better are certain people if they have the edge taken off?
Right?
There's nothing wrong with that.
I'm just saying stick with Percocet, which is more than enough.
And for many of you, Vicodin is enough.
Oxycontin is way too much.
It's way too much.
You got to stay away from it.
And yes, it's a slippery slope, they'll say.
Yes, it is a slippery slope.
Yes, if many of you who start with Vicodin or Percocet will end up doing Oxycontin.
But I guess many people who start sucking cock wi