Name: Knuckleheads & Dodo Birds | The Tim Dillon Show #366
Uploaded: 2023-10-22T13:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Knuckleheads & Dodo Birds | The Tim Dillon Show #366' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Knuckleheads & Dodo Birds | The Tim Dillon Show #366' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-22. Transcript available.

Knuckleheads & Dodo Birds | The Tim Dillon Show #366

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We're sorry we are a little late, just getting back from Australia.
As always, the spirit of Princess Diana is with us.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, Princess Diana.
How are you?
I'm good.
Are you seeing what's going on in our world right now?
Yes, and I believe in a Palestinian state
because I was killed by the Jews in a tunnel.
Hey, hey, hey!
Princess Diana is out of her mind.
I was killed by Jews in a tunnel.
Hey.
Anyway, two guests are here that don't know what I'm going to say
and don't have the money to withstand the attacks and hatred.
Not at all.
That I don't, you know, but they're good friends of mine.
Mike Cannon, Mike Feeney, great comics from New York
who have been hanging out for the last few days
in Los Angeles, California, while the world's falling apart.
Yeah, man, just seeing what you live like, dude.
We've been having fun.
Yeah.
We've been having a good time.
Went down to the beach.
Jumped in the ocean, almost got swept away by the currents.
It was very, but you know, when you say, like, how I live,
it's just like, it's just New York lives a certain way.
Yeah.
And everybody's used to it.
And when you come out here, everyone can live like this.
No, I don't think everybody, I don't think everybody parks in a red zone
and then just flicks everybody off and is like, tell it, I don't care.
Here's the thing.
Segura did this the other day.
Don't you fear that the obsession with rules is a bourgeoisie middle class
mentality?
Yes.
Like, this is the reality.
I've known a lot of successful people.
They have no respect for rules.
They have no respect for rules.
Right?
Yeah.
Israel.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
You stop it.
You stop it now.
Stop.
Hello.
But they were attacked.
We're getting to that.
The point is, I don't get caught up in it because I say,
I'm parking my car where there is fucking curb space.
That's it.
The middle class following rules, isn't that part of the reinforcement of
public schooling?
They're trying to keep you in the cog that you came in.
Here's what happens.
I had my fat family to my home over the summer.
And they're lovely people, but they were all like,
can you park by the beach without a permit?
You don't have a permit.
What's going to happen?
They're going to tow it?
They're going to give you a ticket?
And it's just like that.
And they don't.
Yeah.
And it's the fear.
It's the fear that these people walk around with all day.
And nothing happens.
Here's what happens most of the time.
Nothing.
Every now and then, yes.
Could you get towed?
Yes.
Could you get a ticket?
Yes.
Who gives a fuck?
The reality is, you should learn how and when you can break the rules.
And then, at the end of the day, you choose where you can break the rules.
Does that sound crazy?
No, it doesn't sound crazy.
It does sound like you can weather a few mistakes.
The financial storm.
But you can only get there if you don't care.
Yes.
If you're afraid all the time, you'll never make money.
You'll never do anything.
It's tough not to care when you have to pick your kid up.
I went through three years of watching comics not say anything and not earn a
dollar.
Because you were waiting to get jobs on a fake TV show that never happened.
And they were like, I can't have an opinion about anything because I won't get
on this thing that isn't real.
It's not even real anymore.
They're not even making these shows.
These people are eating on the street.
They have their pussy on Craigslist.
And for three years, they were fearful and afraid of everything.
So, my whole point is that you shouldn't be afraid to just live.
I got my car towed to Malibu.
We got them as they were, not today, but the other day.
We got them.
They dropped the, I paid the drop fee.
I rode in the tow truck.
It was fun.
The guy was cool.
A fan saw me in the tow truck.
I waved to the guy.
I was like, Kim Dillon's getting towed.
You know?
He was like, why are you getting towed?
I'm like, you know, the fucking government and shit.
It's the government.
Why aren't you getting towed, you rule-following asshole?
Yeah.
I mean, it's just, my parents were so terrified of everything.
They were so scared.
And that's why my father drove a Pontiac Sundance.
Because he was terrified of, like, ever, like, you know.
Yeah.
He's like, well, you can't.
They were so afraid.
They're like, don't let it.
Because they were afraid of getting sued.
They thought, well, my friends were going to kill themselves in the pool.
Don't let anyone in the pool.
Somebody's going to slip on the deck and we'll get sued.
Or trampolines.
Remember, you had a trampoline in your backyard.
You're like, I can't afford the insurance on that.
Because were your parents paranoid about people getting sued?
Well, yeah.
If someone broke their neck on a trampoline.
We grew up with just this idea that, like, every friend we had was a liability.
Yeah.
It was a potential liability.
Don't let him get on the trampoline.
Don't let him get in the pool.
They have asthma.
Yeah.
They would identify the kid with asthma.
They'd be like, he has asthma.
Yeah.
Watch him.
My parents wouldn't even get a pool because they didn't want our house to be
welcoming.
Interesting.
Yeah.
They just wanted every activity, all social gatherings were outside the home.
The idea that we might throw a party was completely far.
They never left.
Well, remember the show Rescue 911 that was on?
There was a show called Rescue 911?
Yeah, like that and Nanny 911 as well.
It was all about people who had accidents in their homes.
And it would be like a kid who, like, hit his head and is paralyzed in the pool.
Get the Rescue 911.
Yeah, this guy.
And this would terrify people.
William Shatner.
William Shatner.
This was Shatner?
Yeah, it was Shatner.
And then this would terrify boomers into thinking that, like, their house was
just booby trapped.
Yeah.
And that literally someone was going to, one of your kid's friends was going to
die in it.
Yeah.
And you were going to get sued.
Pull up, like, a Rescue 911.
See if we can get, like, an idea of what it was.
It was always like, it would be like, there was a drowning.
She took her eyes off the water for a second.
And then there was a drowning.
And you're like, this is what it was.
Dude, there could have been a Rescue 911 with, oh, my God.
Oh.
What is going on here?
This is the Middle East.
My mom had a cousin, or at least this was her story.
Yeah.
That was a black belt.
And he dove into a four-foot pool and paralyzed himself.
Yeah, everyone has it.
I never met a single athletic cousin that she's ever had.
Yeah.
Everyone has a story of a guy who jumped in head first.
Yeah.
People used to jump off.
Go to the beginning where the ambulance is just coming.
I love the opening sequence of this.
You want to see the title?
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's see the opening sequence.
This is what just boomers watch, just fear.
Yeah.
This was they watch.
This program contains true stories of rescues.
All of the 911 calls you will hear are real.
Whenever possible, the actual people involved have helped us reconstruct the
events as they
happened.
Great diction.
Everyone's dying.
One of your kid's friends choked to death, and you're on the hook.
You're on the hook.
You're on the hook.
You're footing the bill.
You were drinking wine in the back room, and your daughter and her friend.
You were raped.
How about that?
It was a group raping, and you were drunk in your room.
All right.
All right.
Enough of that.
Is this the 80s?
It feels like it.
Yeah.
It was the 80s.
But the people were so paranoid about, you know.
And it was never because they were like, your friend is a good person, and we
would
hate if they drown.
Yeah.
Dude.
It was always like, we didn't want them to cost us money.
If we went out in those waves a little bit farther, there would have been a
rescue 911
of me calling 911 that Tim Dillon just got swept out to sea.
Yeah.
No one would have cared.
That would have been like, they would have rejoiced.
The state would have rejoiced.
Gavin Newsom would have had like a glass of wine.
Palestine and Israel ceasefire.
Yeah.
That would be amazing.
The hostages are relieved.
Everything would be great.
The Twin Towers build back one by one.
Everybody loves it.
You'd like to go that way.
We tried to swim, and we're strong swimmers, but it was rough.
Yeah.
I feel like that's a good death for you, though.
Dying in Malibu at a beautiful beach.
It feels like a-
I want to kill a lot of people when I die.
Okay, I see.
I want to kill a lot of people when I-
Take them with you.
Yeah.
I want to kill a lot of people when I die.
Skydiving?
When I die.
Whatever.
That's too hard to-
Something big.
Yeah.
Something, you know.
Something big.
So what are you guys-
What are you guys-
Who are you?
Muzzies or Jews?
What are you at right now?
Go on the record.
Mike Cannon on Twitter.
What are you?
I'm at Mike Feeney.
Muslims or Jews?
Go on the record now.
Who is it?
You know, Team Peace.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
A member of the LGBTQ community here.
I actually, I don't think any of the children of either side need water.
That's what I think.
Here's what I'm worried about.
That's a great point.
Here's what I'm worried about.
Even if this all ends tomorrow, I feel like people in that region are going to
hate each
other for a long time.
Like, it's just, there's no hope of this, of a reconciliation.
Right.
Right?
It doesn't feel that way.
It doesn't feel like it.
It's kind of, it goes, you know.
When is it going to be like Palestinians and Israelis having like hot sex?
There's got to be some subcategories.
There's got to be some of them.
That's for sure under like a taboo porn category.
Yeah.
There's got to be.
When are, when are they going to walk Gaza with like the Bloods and Crips with
the blue
and the red?
The handkerchief.
The handkerchief tied together and just be like, guys, it's over.
I mean, hopefully the end of the week, but it doesn't seem like it.
That'd be nice.
No, I mean, I, I, I worry about, you know, people that are, that are living
there.
Are they going to be able to, cause everyone wants to be fun and cool, you know?
And it's just not like, I feel for the kids that are growing up in Gaza.
And I feel for the kids that are growing up in Israel that are like, not, you
know, like
their lives now are just completely shattered, you know?
Yeah.
It's awful.
Yeah.
No, it's truly a terrible, awful thing.
I don't know.
I can't.
Agree.
Yeah.
Hard, hard agree.
But it's what it is.
Strongly agree.
I got to speak out for the people.
You have to use your platform.
This is it.
Because there's a lot of people over there right now, let's be honest, not for
nothing.
There's a lot of people over there right now hurting and they're in, and they're
in pain
and it's not nice.
No.
And what I would like to say is stop it.
Yeah.
Right?
To whom?
What?
To whom?
I say stop it to all.
The blanket, stop it.
Well, I say it to everyone.
Smart.
It's good.
You know, me and my cousins used to throw each other down the stairs.
Sure.
During Thanksgiving.
And you know what my Aunt Carol would say?
She'd have a glass of wine and she'd go, stop!
Stop!
And we'd go, but he did it.
They did it.
And she'd go, everyone stop it.
Everyone stop it.
You're disrespecting Nanny's house.
Stop it now.
And that's kind of what the energy here, the energy here is, is, is just cut it
out.
You're acting like a bunch of knuckleheads and dodo birds.
But who's, but who's, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, that's what my
grandmother was saying, being a bunch of dodo birds.
Who's the grandmother in this situation?
Biden?
I don't know.
He's going to go.
I don't know.
China, Iran?
I don't know.
Syria?
I have no idea.
Joe Biden and his individually closing eyes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, here's what, we went to a great restaurant last night, Avra.
Shout out to Avra in Beverly Hills.
Kim Kardashian having a party a couple of blocks away at Thunk, which I wasn't
invited to, which is fine.
It's okay.
Kim Kardashian's there with Ivanka Trump and othe