Name: The War At Home | The Tim Dillon Show #367
Uploaded: 2023-10-28T17:36:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The War At Home | The Tim Dillon Show #367' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The War At Home | The Tim Dillon Show #367' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-28. Transcript available.

The War At Home | The Tim Dillon Show #367

Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Dillon is on tour.
It's the final leg of the American Royalty Tour.
Rochester, New York, New York, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,
Houston, Texas, San Diego, California,
Detroit, Michigan, Toronto, Ontario, Austin, Texas,
Brayette, California, Columbus, Ohio,
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C.,
Northfield, Ohio, San Antonio, Texas,
Dallas, Texas, Atlanta, Georgia,
St. Louis, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana,
Boston, Massachusetts, and then Foxwoods in Connecticut.
Go to timdilloncomedy.com, promo code fakebiz, F-A-K-E-B-I-Z.
What?
Tickets are on sale now.
Tickets are on sale now.
And then after this, I'm taking a nice long break.
So get the tickets, enjoy the show,
and then you'll never see me for a while.
Then I'll be back 90 days later screaming about that.
I'm kidding.
I'm taking a little bit of a break.
These are the final markets that we haven't done the hour in.
You're going to love them.
You're going to love the show.
It's a great show.
If you're for Israel, for Palestine,
no matter what you're for,
you come on out.
Kill each other at the show.
You have a big fight at the show.
Everybody fight at the show.
I'll sit on stage and have a sandwich.
Good night.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
I am here.
Happy Halloween.
We are progressing.
We are moving forward.
I have on my head something called, I believe, a shemang.
Yeah.
And a yarmulke.
I'm representing both, um, and the free press, which is Barry Weiss's, even
though she won't
come on the show because I am in Hamas.
That is the one reason she will not come on.
We have the free press hat that we are displaying prominently on the desk.
And, you know, I mean, I just got out of the comedy store.
What an amazing audience and what a great show.
And I'll let my mouth come out a little bit here because I feel like that helps
with the
audio, even though I do like it up like this, right?
It sounds the same, right?
It sounds a little muffled.
What do you like about it like this?
Well, because I like, I actually see the point now of, you know, really getting
into somebody's
eyes.
And the whole idea is that you can't really understand a person until you've
looked into
their eyes.
But no, I do, I do probably to do the show is a little, it's a little muffled.
We can do this.
Um, and we have our yarmulke here for the, for the Jews.
And we have the princess Diana bear as well.
Um, you know, uh, I'll probably have to take this off too.
My, we, my face is, is very blotchy.
So I put a lot of, uh, some type of weird thing on it that made it worse.
And I, now I look corpse-like and because I look very pale.
So I, I, I washed it off and then instead of just whatever recording it another
time,
I had my producer, I said, just fix me an Islamic headdress, which he was able
to do
very quickly, we're here in Beverly Hills.
It was not a problem.
We're able to do it immediately.
Um, but I do think, unfortunately we will have to kind of, you know, take it
off and then
it's hard, hard to, God.
It's tied in the back.
You got it.
It is, it is, it is difficult.
It is difficult.
It is difficult to, to do these things and to, um, to keep them going.
But we do, we do, we have them all here for everyone.
We are, we are, everybody is, you know, I've, a lot of people have been very
negative about
this war and I've been one of them.
And I've realized that that's kind of self-defeating to be negative about this
conflict.
I think actually we must actually with, unironically here, look at some of the,
the benefits of this.
And there are, there are some, they're not obvious.
There's obvious benefits to having an ice cream sandwich or, or bringing a sick
friend some
chicken soup.
These are obvious benefits, but when it comes to a war of civilizations or
whatever is happening,
you know, but, you know, everybody's like, oh, we're on the brink of World War
III.
I've said it a bunch.
We are, but here's the deal.
We need this a little bit.
We need, we're coming out of a pandemic.
We're out of it now, but we have a lot of economic uncertainty.
We need a little bit of, hey, we need a little bit of turbulence.
We do.
We don't function really well without it.
Since 9-11, we've had it.
Whether we've manufactured it or it's happened naturally, we need a little bit
of turbulence.
Turbulence makes the flight go by a little faster.
It does because you're a little scared and you're kind of like, and you're not
thinking, you're
just not watching the clock.
You're not watching that, you know, the thing that they give you, the flight
map, where you
watch the flight make a very slow progress to where your final destination is.
When you start getting rocked around in the sky, you don't look at the flight
map.
And then you're like, oh, we made some time.
We need a little bit of turbulence.
This is actually, I know a lot of people are negative.
A lot of people are upset.
A lot of people are rightfully concerned about their own safety, the safety of
others, the
safety of their family.
Can we zoom out?
Can we zoom the fuck out for a minute?
Look at this in the macro.
We need it.
We need it.
We need the, we need destroyers in the sea.
We need planes buzzing each other.
We need to build some weapons.
It's what we do.
This is what we do.
It's who we are.
And I think it's time that we embrace it and stop pretending that it isn't good.
It has its drawbacks.
Substantial loss of life is one of them.
I could be one of the, we don't know who gets it.
We don't know who's going to get it.
We never knew.
But in the macro, this is what our country does.
This is what we've built an arsenal of weaponry to do.
This is why we have all these bases.
This is why we have this labyrinth of intelligence agencies.
This is why we have all this stuff.
Yeah, you may not like it.
And I might agree with you.
You might make a lot of good points.
But no one cares about your points.
And no one cares about mine.
We are all passengers on a voyage.
We are passengers on the, we are in, we are in coach.
Some of us are in first class.
None of us are in the cockpit.
None of us are landing this plane.
None of us got it off the ground.
We don't know where it's going.
This is not, and you could go on Instagram.
You can go on, I can't right now because the Pizza Hut video, which they were
not thrilled with.
I'm having a little time out, and I realize the error of my way.
I'm sorry, and I realize that.
To Yum Brands, to the people at Yum Brands, I am sorry that I implied in a
video that Pizza Hut supported Hamas.
I apologize to the good people at Yum Brands, the people that poison our
citizens and our children.
The people at Yum Brands, whose job is to see how much plastic they can legally
put in ranch dressing.
And how much saturated fat and trans fat and sugar and all these things they
can cram into every morsel of food that they serve to children at mall food
courts.
And community college food courts.
Killing the people that they serve.
With the good people at Yum Brands, I apologize for implying, even satirically,
which it clearly was, that Pizza Hut was in any way in league with Hamas.
Even though Pizza Hut and Hamas are kind of similar in many ways.
Certainly Pizza Hut and the Palestinians have some similarities.
Pizza Hut's not running the show.
We can admit that.
Pizza Hut's not really happy with the way things have gone the past 10, 15
years.
Let's admit that.
So, I thought it was quite clear that if anyone was going to come out and
endorse Hamas, it would be Pizza Hut, who has, it's been nothing, they've done
nothing but lose ground to other better funded, you know, expansionist
operations like Papa John's and Domino's.
And so, I'm in a little timeout over there.
I gotta give credit to where credit is due.
I do respect Amy Schumer for going out and speaking her piece.
You may not like it.
You may not agree.
But she is going out there and she is not backing down and people are giving
her a lot of shit for what she's saying.
I don't know what she's saying now because I'm not on Instagram.
Because of yum brands in their infinite wisdom who have hit up the great people
at Meta and, of course, are going at me.
But I respect people that go balls to the wall and say, this is the way I feel
and I don't care if you don't like it.
And I gotta say, I mean, I'm probably not her favorite person.
I don't know.
We've never had any conflicts that are that, you know, huge.
I mean, I've disagreed with things.
But I would say that I do, you gotta respect when someone is in the public eye
and is going hard for the things that they feel are right and true.
And what I'm saying about this war and what I'm saying is that everybody better
enjoy it.
It's not going anywhere.
You better get to like it.
You better like it.
You better figure out what about it you like.
It's like your stepmother.
No one wants a step, no one wants a step parent.
I've said this before.
It's a horrible thing for children to go through to have a stranger come into
your home and simulate a role.
No one loves a step parent.
It's never happened.
Never one time.
And I don't mean that you won't begrudgingly tolerate someone or that you and
that person can't have a friendship
like you would have with a local librarian that you know.
What I'm saying is deep love is hard with a step parent.
And, but you better, but your father or mother loves that person and you better
figure it out.
And this country likes war.
We like it.
And we're gonna, and we're gonna maybe get in with you because that's kind of
what we do.
And there's gotta be a part of you that just resigns yourself to it.
You, you, you don't have to be on war footing per se.
No one's asking you to, to do that.
That's the good thing about America.
We don't ask you to do it.
Israel is asking their people to do it.
All we ask you to do in this country is eat.
There's something nice about that.
We're on the brink.
We've been in wars forever.
I, no one has even asked me or any of my friends to do a sit up or run around
the track or learn how to fire a gun.
Or, you know, no one, we are asked very little where all we're asked to do is,
is sit around and consume, buy crap, throw shit on a charge card, you know,
move in with your brother in Charlotte and try to get a job.
We can do whatever we, we don't have to make any sacrifices.
There's enough people to do that.
When they don't ask us to do that.
We're not asked to do that.
Nobody get knocked.
Hello?
Yeah.
It's time to fight.
What?
Time to fight today.
What do you mean?
The Ukraine.
What?
No one's allowed to be gay.
What do you mean?
You can't be trans in Russia and they're going to make you not be trans in the
Ukraine.
Yo, I was sleeping.
You're going to be in a fucking war now.
No one's saying that.
No one knocks on your door and goes, hi, do you understand that they don't have
a Real Housewives franchise in Qatar?
No.
Well, you better fucking get your head blown off so that one day they do.
That's because that's a lot of the rationale we have now is that, you know, but
listen, I'm not saying it's sad for gay people in Qatar.
Although I did read an article that there were some gay people in Qatar that
were having a good time.
I don't know what's happening.
I'm sure they're not.
But the small groups of people that are very shh about it seem to be okay.
My point is that nobody asks you to sacrifice anything in this country for our
lust for blood.
We have a lust for blood and yet nobody really asks you.
So you should really maybe not be that mad about it.
Now I know I just spoke to a guy at the comedy store.
His aunt was killed in a drone strike in Gaza, which is sad.
And by the way, if anyone wants to paraglide to my aunt's house, I have her
fucking address.
But the point is, how come everyone else gets their aunt killed?
The point is this.
That is sad.
But he didn't know her that well.
The point is this.
I'm saying for a country that goes to war as much as we do, that is always
involved in something or other.
We were in Afgha