Name: A Loud Shape | The Tim Dillon Show #370
Uploaded: 2023-11-18T17:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Loud Shape | The Tim Dillon Show #370' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Loud Shape | The Tim Dillon Show #370' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-18. Transcript available.

A Loud Shape | The Tim Dillon Show #370

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dillon show very excited here uh just a
negative uh
covid my third time covid thank you pfizer hey when something works it works
when it works it
works my aunt and uncle both got it we're at carnegie hall and uh we had a
great night there
of comedy sold at carnegie hall rosebud baker mike feeney and we do the show
and uh the next
night we go to carnegie musical in pittsburgh another amazing show uh on the
way home i just
start feeling those knives in your in your uh sinuses i'm like uh oh maybe then
i my aunt
called me she goes can you test because we both feel like shit because usually
you don't even test
anymore then i test it i'm like okay but after three days it's kind of it's
over um
i i do want to say thank you to anyone who came out to carnegie hall it was a
one of the best stand-up
comedy shows i've ever done it's this amazing venue louie was in the audience
which is like
that's really awesome to have somebody you know at that level of the business
come and enjoy it you
know all my uh managers and agents were there and what you realize when you
spend time with your
managers and agents is just they're just terrible i mean they're you know they're
just like i mean
they're exactly who they should be here's what i'll say this is not a knock on
any of them by the way
it sounds like it is but it's not they're exactly who they should be everybody's
behaving exactly how
they should my business manager the man who's in charge of all my money went to
flight club and bought
those little sneakers the lobster sneakers what are they nike yeah the nike
lobster sneak this is the
man who manages my money he went like a 15 year old ditching uh high school to
flight club
gets these lobster sneakers and then he puts the bands on the ends like in the
in the dressing room or
green room of carnegie hall the man is sitting there with the these sneakers
and then he puts the bands
on the end of them yeah to two and then ray kump goes what are you doing and
then he goes oh it's like
the claws like you know the way they they they they bind the claws of the
lobster yeah he's put in
carnegie hall he's putting these bands on the outside of his shoes and he's
taking photos of the shoes
and putting them on instagram he's taking photos of the shoes and putting them
on instagram
carnegie hall but he doesn't care they don't care about carnegie hall because
it's not like
20 000 people so to them it's like they don't understand you know like they're
they're just kind
of like i think some of them think it's cool yeah i mean so this is what this
is what the guy
the guy has uh you know he's putting bands on the end of his he wants he just
belongs at a state fair
there's nothing wrong with it he just belongs at his state fair go going up in
it you know going to a
tent going here will you deep fry this you know those tents they have at the
state fair where they go
we'll deep fry your rolex give it to us that's where he belongs but you know it's
good he's managing
all my money so great a nightmare on the way getting to pittsburgh i want to
talk about this because i think
that there are companies out there that uh they get there's a certain and airbnb
was at this point
there's a certain point when there are the famous quote there are two roads
diverged in a wood
which one are you going to take i warn a lot of companies and i do it out of
the goodness of my heart
and the reason that i'm correct is that i'm a consumer i'm out there doing the
things
seeing the value of things um it's part of the job and i warned airbnb months
and months ago years ago
i said you're giving people a cleaning fee of 400 something dollars
and expecting them to clean the house this is going to get to be a problem
people are not going to
stomach that you're asking them to swallow a 400 fee to do something that you're
making them do
so i i called that out years ago because of that i was removed from the service
you know but i was correct airbnb has lost so much market share nobody's
staying in airbnbs anymore
when somebody tells you they're in an airbnb it's almost like what's wrong with
you
when somebody says that like oh we got an airbnb go oh everybody's back in
hotels the airbnb thing is
over and i knew it i knew it i knew what i saw the hosts getting weird about
their houses getting weird
about the rules how strict they were and how the type of person that was
attracted to being an airbnb
host i could see it all before it materialized and they did not heed my warning
i'm going now to discuss
another company i see a similar problem and this is called clear clear right
now
is becoming a problem of airbnb proportions if you are not a frequent traveler
but even if you've been to an airport you've probably noticed the the little
clear
vestibules whatever they call them now you maybe you haven't because they're
actually not in a lot of airports
kiosks i don't even know what to call these clear is a service that allows you
to bypass the regular
security line when you are flying clear by the way is a private company it's
funny it reminds me of when
patrice o'neill on ona was like once you find out the fed the federal reserve
is a private bank
nothing's ever the same for you like it's fucked clear is a private company the
company in charge of of of
security at the airport which i thought was affiliated in some way with the
government
is a private company i remember years ago i was on a security line i'd woken up
late i was like you know
stressed out and they see you and they pick you out and they go hey why don't
you come over here and sign
it for clear and what clear is is they take your biometric data they scan your
eyes and your
fingerprint they run you through a database and then you are all clear you get
to skip the line
and you get to go ahead of everybody else you don't need your id they take you
don't need your id
fly without your id you're going clear okay they take your biometric data
and then they go boom there you go and the first couple of times you do it it
works perfectly
and you go this is a really great idea wow look at me i'm clear you start
getting the airport 18
minutes before the flight i mean it's crazy you start trying to time it like i've
missed flights
because i've just underestimated how long the clear line would be because the
clear has now a lot of
people so there's a line for clear now in the beginning of it you would just
breeze and sometimes
now you still breeze clear promised find out how many airports it's in when
when you signed up for
clear they go we are gonna be everywhere we are gonna be everywhere don't worry
about it
do not worry about it they are now i believe in it's not a lot what is it 26
airports or something
it's a few dozen yeah it's a yeah it's it's like a few dozen it's not a lot of
airports uh okay 51
airports clear is now in 51 airports
so clear promises okay we're going to we're going to be everywhere they're not
everywhere there's
certain terminals that don't have clear you'll go to terminals of airports that
have clear and they go
yeah not terminal four yeah we don't do clear and you go okay now the clear
experience has also kind
of become a hell the people that work at clear let's just can we use the term
ged
these are not people that have graduated high school with the regent's diploma
or whatever kind of diploma you get now it's the people that are in a ged
course they're not the most motivated group of people uh the people that work
at clear
act like you've done something wrong when you need their help they couldn't be
less interested in
helping you they could not be less interested in getting you through this thing
in a timely fashion
they are lazy and they do not care i don't know where clear finds these people
perhaps they're
people that aren't good enough god forbid imagine this to be in the regular tsa
they couldn't muster up the competence to be in the regular tsa so they now
handle clear and they could
not care less the other thing clear now does is a random id check every time
the whole point of
clear was like hey it's quick you don't need your id it's you know it's boom
you cut the line we're taking
your fucking biometric data so that we do not need your id we're you're
scanning my retina
why would you need an idea you're scanning my retina i pay you money i scan my
fingerprint
my one of one bio identifier what's the fucking big deal so i get to newark
about i don't know 30 40
minutes before my flight takes off maybe 20 minutes before it closes you know
like 20 minutes before the
flight uh closes i don't i don't know who these people are i get so many people
calling he's like
i've i've so many like and i talked to a lot of them these uh these well yeah
telemarketer and people
but it's just telemarketing and i watched that documentary on hbo the telemarketers
oh yeah it
was really good doc it was fun but telemarketing in general it's so bad now no
one's good no one's
even good at it they're not even telemarketing for anything that has any value
they're just it's just like
health insurance and stuff like long-term care it's like what um so i go to newark
and i go listen i
got i gotta i got a problem here i go i don't have my id but i'm a member of
clear i say this to the
clear people and they're just staring at me because they're all high i didn't
mean crazy hot like the
the level of high the people aren't clear it's mind-blowing it's mind-blowing
how
fucked up they all are they just see shapes they don't even know what's
happening they're just
staring at you and you're just a loud shape like an undulating sphere in front
of them so they're
just staring at you like i'm not speaking the king's english when i say this
and i say hey i don't have
an id i'm a clear member that shouldn't be an issue and they're like they're
like we'll see okay yeah okay
they run me through three times each time they want a random id check each time
again after scanning my
eyes and my thumb guys what are we doing so then they bring me to the person uh
who's supposed to
to sign off you know what clear afterwards somebody has to walk you from the
clear thing to the security
uh you know line and then you know clear it with the person who's checking in
all the regular people
and go look this person's clear and show them your boarding pass i go here's my
boarding pass so they
bring me up they go this guy doesn't have an id they go okay we'll try to get a
supervisor i stand
there 20 minutes no supervisor comes from the regular tsa like nobody comes
they don't even come and tell me to
fuck off i have a copy of my license on my phone i have a photo of my passport
on my phone i'm like i left
my passport in my house i have these photos and i'm clear meaning that they
just scanned my fucking eyes
and it's me and no one cares still no one cares not only does no one care but
nobody tries to help
okay the clear line is now getting pretty long and now people have left the
clear people do this
sometimes you'll show up to the airport and then the clear people have gone
away they're no longer
working they're at lunch truly they are gone they're somewhere else so now you've
paid money to be part of
the service that operates when it wants they are they kind of operate when i
want and god forbid you
have a problem and this idea that if you don't have an id you can't get on a
plane i thought the whole
premise of clear was that we have your bio information so if god forbid there's
ever an issue
you're okay you're a member of clear and that wasn't the case and i'm just
saying out there
to all of the clear people that may or may not hear this message it's becoming
a cumbersome process
that's not enjoyable for people they try to sell you things they try to get you
to add people onto
your clear while you're going through clear it's never enough can you add this
person you know it might
make sense you're traveling is this your first time traveling yeah why don't
you add him to your
acc