Name: A Christmas K-Hole | The Tim Dillon Show #374
Uploaded: 2023-12-23T17:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Christmas K-Hole | The Tim Dillon Show #374' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Christmas K-Hole | The Tim Dillon Show #374' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-23. Transcript available.

A Christmas K-Hole | The Tim Dillon Show #374

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Santa Claus.
And what is a great present for everybody in the family
is the tickets to a Tim Dillon show, maybe in Brea, California, Columbus, Ohio,
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C., Northfield, Ohio, San Antonio, Texas,
Dallas, Texas, Atlanta, Georgia, St. Louis, Missouri,
Indianapolis, Indiana, Boston, Massachusetts, Ledyard, Connecticut,
which is the Foxwoods Casino, Chicago, Illinois, Dania Beach, Florida, Phoenix,
Arizona,
Atlantic City, New Jersey.
You can go to timdilloncomedy.com and see Tim Dillon live.
And he's a good man. I'm Santa Claus. He's never done anything wrong.
He's gotten presents from me every year.
So I'm telling you to go and see him.
This is a paid advertisement. I am being paid by Tim Dillon to say this.
He's a prick.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show.
It is Christmas and we are so happy to be here for the final episode of the
year.
And we are grateful.
And this will not be a good episode to listen to because you're not going to
really hear anything.
And I'm not going to, you know, this is going to be very difficult for me to
speak.
Although I am, I guess I'm managing it now.
I have a beard celebrating Santa Claus, celebrating old St. Nick.
Let's see how I look. Does it look okay?
Yeah, this is good.
Your nose is kind of gone.
My nose is gone, but that's okay.
That's okay.
Santa, Santa, would Santa, if Santa were alive today, would he support what's
going on in Gaza?
Or would he not?
That's the question.
But thank God he's dead.
Thank God Santa's dead so he doesn't have to see what is happening right now in
the world.
He doesn't have to face the nightmare that other people do.
Santa Claus doesn't have to wake up and read that Matthew Perry died from a ketamine
overdose in his hot tub.
Santa doesn't have to read that with Miss Claus while they have breakfast.
They have, I don't know what they'd eat for breakfast, a porridge or an oatmeal.
But Santa doesn't have to say, ho, ho, ho, get me some oatmeal.
How did Matthew Perry die?
Oh, it was a ketamine overdose in his hot tub, Miss Claus.
And then Miss Claus goes, well, a lot of the elves have been going for that ketamine
therapy
to kind of relive their past traumas and try to get to the other side of them.
And he goes, well, I, well, that just seems like they're using drugs.
Matthew Perry died in his hot tub from ketamine.
And Santa doesn't have to live it because he's, he's gone.
There is no Santa Claus.
And if there was, he'd be aghast at what's going on right now.
He would have assumed much like I did that because Matthew Perry had a drug
addiction for a very long time.
And it ate away a lot of his liver.
I think he was doing like 46 Vicodin a day.
That's what I thought it was.
I just thought it was just one of those things.
Unfortunately, it's not one of those things.
It was a ketamine overdose in his hot tub, which sucks.
Well, Vicodin, he was using Vicodin.
He was taking up to 55 Vicodin a day.
And that does a number on your liver.
That's what I thought it was.
But it was an overdose of ketamine.
Ketamine is the new it drug in Hollywood, like Ozempic.
Ozempic is the shot you take to make you less fat.
Ketamine is something else.
It's a drug, which I used to do when I was doing drugs.
We called it Special K.
We did it with ecstasy, which is now called Molly.
But it's a drug that is supposed to realign the pathways in your brain.
And everyone here is always doing that.
They're always realigning the pathways in their brain.
They're taking ayahuasca.
They're on ketamine all the time.
This is everyone in LA that you speak to.
They go, I have to realign my neural pathways because reality is too bleak.
That's really what it comes to.
They go, I can't deal with the reality of what's going on.
I need my brain.
This is going to be tough.
The beard.
Breathing in here.
It's hard to breathe with the beard on because I have a Santa beard on.
How did I, you know, I used to do this.
You know, I was a Santa who tried to sign people up for Obamacare.
No way.
Years ago.
This is true.
I was a Santa.
A little breather to my, fucking God.
I have this cold sore.
That's also why this kind of is nice to have.
I was a Santa who signed people up for Obamacare.
I would go into bad neighborhoods and I would sign poor low-income people up
for Obamacare.
Dressed as Santa Claus.
And it was a job that I did.
And it was a job that I did to supplement the money while I was earning money
to learn how to be a stand-up comedian.
And it was not a bad gig.
It was not a great gig because you would be in bad areas and poor people are
very depressing around the holidays.
It's true.
They're always getting shot or whatever.
I mean, they're just, they're depressing people over the holidays.
Holidays are really for, you know, it's really, it's better to have rich people
or rich family and friends over the holidays because they, you know.
Holidays are for them, you know, like the poor people are always getting shot
or sick or they're working shifts and they're complaining all the time.
And that's not, you know, it's neither here nor there, but that's why the job
was tough because they would always say, you know, rich people around the
holidays, they're just wearing coats and going to church and having these feasts.
So when I was a Santa in a poor neighborhood and I was poor and everybody I'm
talking to was poor, nobody's happy, we're all broke.
They're asking me questions about healthcare.
I didn't sign up for Obama.
I don't know.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm just sitting in a truck dressed as Santa and they're telling me about
problems that they have.
I have problems.
It wasn't, it wasn't a good time in my life, but I can't even remember.
I'm like, how did I fucking do this?
With the beard, it's terrible.
It really irritates you.
At one time, and I told, I talked about this on the pod, there was, I did it at
a Spanish chicken restaurant.
I don't know what I, where it was.
It was on Long Island and there was a big chicken and Santa.
They had a big chicken and everybody wanted photos with me.
Nobody wanted photos with a chicken.
The chicken was dressed like a chicken.
He was very upset about that.
He was also signing up people for Obamacare.
What, what the government did to get, no, but it's all true.
What the government did to get low income people on, into Obamacare was they
sent out like, like characters, whether it was like me as Santa or a chicken or
like the Kool-Aid guy.
They sent them out into the streets.
They sent them out into the streets.
I'm not even kidding.
You can look this up and it's probably not a bad idea.
They sent like characters out into the, they sent out like Spongebob to try to
get people to sign up for Obamacare because, you know, people don't like
doctors, right?
They get creeped out by doctors.
They're creeped out by people that are wearing suits.
But like if Clifford, the big red dog or Spongebob or, you know, I don't know,
Paw Patrol goes out and goes, hey, do you want a health insurance?
You might, you might be more amenable to it.
I don't know, but that was like a strategy that they had.
Back to Matthew Perry.
I got to, I got to take this beard off.
I, it's, the culture is not that bad.
It's, it's, I can't deal with this hurting my face to a point where I can't
even, you know, I can't even deal with it.
Matthew Perry, RIP, very sad.
We don't, we obviously do not, we're not making light of his death.
You know, but what, here's what we were saying about this ketamine because
everybody's doing this now.
And I, you know, as somebody who is a ex-addict, I think maybe it's not a good
idea.
Maybe it's not a good idea, but maybe it is.
I don't know, but a lot of people are, are, are taking ketamine under the
supervision of a doctor.
They're going to a clinic and I don't know, I guess this can help with PTSD.
Yeah.
It's, you know, for people that have come back from war, but it seems to be
abused.
People seem to be abusing it.
Like I know a lot of people who do it and I go, the last thing you need to do
is go and get shot at with ketamine in a clinic.
You need something else.
You don't need to do ketamine in a clinic.
That's not what it's for.
Ayahuasca is not for you having a better career.
That's not what it's for.
That's not what the Incans intended.
That's not what the Mayans, whoever, the, I don't even care or know.
The ancient cultures that used ayahuasca as a spiritual experience were not intending
it to be used so that you could figure out how to get on Netflix.
There's no way.
There's no possible way.
That's the intention of ayahuasca.
There's no way.
There's no way that you were supposed to go into hyperspace and ask the aliens,
the entities, for career advice.
There's no way.
It's all been completely perverted by people that are in this town want to just
figure out how to make life more about themselves.
As if it's not already about themselves.
Do they want to make it more about themselves?
Somehow.
Somehow, someway, they go, enough of life.
It isn't about me.
Let me really focus.
Let me take three days.
Let me go to Peru.
Let me vomit.
And let me realize that all my fears are just, they're not real.
They're holding me back.
And listen, again, this would be great if the end goal wasn't to, you know, snag
a role on Ginny in Georgia.
Like, if you were really evolving as a human being, you would leave.
You would move.
You would leave.
If ayahuasca worked, you'd come back to L.A., walk into your house, burn it
down, light it on fire, and leave the state forever if ayahuasca worked.
But whatever professional grade ayahuasca, and I don't know who these shamans
are, these con artists that are calling themselves shamans.
People are drinking this stuff every three weeks, they're on ayahuasca, and
they're more fucked than they've ever been on ayahuasca.
I don't get it.
And now people are dropping dead in their hot tubs of ketamine.
Everyone's like, no, it's good.
It rewires the neural pathways in the brain.
Because it's a lot to take.
It's a lot to take when all of the big studios go, we want a future without
humans.
We want a post-human future.
It's a lot to take.
People go, fuck, I got to take some ayahuasca to handle that.
I got to take a little ketamine to handle that.
So that's what the studios did.
They just said, hey, I talked to some of these people during this strike, and
they were very clear about what they want.
They want a post-human future on Earth.
That's all they want.
They're very clear about it.
They want a post-human future on Earth.
That's what they want.
That's what they want.
They don't want human beings anymore.
And that's tough to hear.
Because everybody's having the wrong fight.
Everybody's like, you're paying me $30.
I want $35.
It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We don't want you to exist.
We want you gone.
We want you out.
We want to do things completely AI-generated.
We don't want you at all.
It's hard to hear.
It's hard to hear.
That's why everybody's got to go take ayahuasca.
They got to do ketamine.
One of these writers, a guy, the Hollywood Reporter, went to do ketamine and
flipped out,
which is kind of a funny article, when ketamine therapy visit goes horribly
wrong.
So, what this guy did, and this guy sounds kind of like a pussy who can't
handle his drugs.
Now, that doesn't mean that this ketamine fad is good.
I know a lot of people that are doing this.
Ain't not a one of them in a place mentally that you should be.
Ain't not a one.
Not a one of those people walking around doing ketamine that I know,
and the tens of dozens of people I know doing ketamine are in a good place all
the time.
I sought help from a ketamine clinic like Matthew Perry.
Odd way to start.
It's an interesting way to start the article, huh?
I sought help from a ketamine clinic like Matthew Perry.
Things went wrong.
What happened was the scariest experience of my life.
Here's what happened.
The guy goes in the room.
You know