Name: Dead-Eyed Monsters | The Tim Dillon Show #375
Uploaded: 2023-12-30T17:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dead-Eyed Monsters | The Tim Dillon Show #375' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dead-Eyed Monsters | The Tim Dillon Show #375' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-30. Transcript available.

Dead-Eyed Monsters | The Tim Dillon Show #375

Have a holly jolly Christmas.
It's the best time of the year.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
I wish I knew more traditional Christmas songs.
I always know the first line or two,
but I don't know enough of it to kind of do it, you know?
And I wish I knew more.
I have the first have a holly jolly Christmas.
It's the best time of the year.
And then I don't know.
Well, it's the final episode of the year, folks,
and we appreciate you being with us.
I don't know if this is a Christmas story,
to be honest with you.
Is it ever?
Is it ever on this show?
Is it ever a fun holiday story?
Is it ever a nice story?
We got to do that one day.
We got one day just nice stories.
But it's, as I've said before,
the nice stories are almost more terrifying
because it's like a guy who walked to work every day for 70 years
and now has diabetes and one leg and no health insurance.
Everybody at the plant that he works at got together and bought him a car.
That's like the nice version of the story.
Like, there is no just really not, you know.
So, this is a story about a marauding group of white suburban teenagers in
Arizona going around and killing people.
Well, that's not nice.
And apparently they're well connected.
We cannot show any of this, by the way.
So, don't, I mean, I don't think we can show any of this.
This is all violent.
Yeah.
You have to be very careful here.
It's all burned out.
We're under a microscope.
We got an election coming up.
And they're going to get real tight on the independent media, of which I am one.
One of the most powerful members of the independent media in the world.
Me.
And because of that, they're going to be very difficult to deal with.
These censors.
So, if there's a way to show any of this, we have to do it very blurry or small.
Yep.
Yeah.
All right.
I'm just putting that out there.
Because the kids now are filming their beatings.
Let's start at the beginning.
Let's start at the beginning.
It's a Christmas story.
Let's start at the beginning.
There is a state called Arizona.
Arizona is fine outside of Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, where I have several
friends.
And they maintain beautiful Spanish-style desert residences, some modern.
And many of them have left the high-tax state of California and have escaped to,
well, not the greener pastures, but the brown pastures.
And I like a desert mansion.
I don't hate it.
I spent quarantine in Palm Springs.
I have no hatred for the, you know, the desert thing.
It's not for me per se.
But outside of Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, I don't know anyone in Arizona.
I don't know how it works.
I don't know how it works.
I know only Scottsdale.
I know only Paradise Valley.
And that's all I want to know.
Because when you get out of those places, you're in some type of hell.
Really.
It's like 115 degrees every day.
They have these fake lakes that they dye this aquamarine color.
And all these people get in these little swan boats.
And it's hellish out there.
And I'm not saying it's the surface of Mars is how they live, these people.
Now, there's a town called Gilbert, Arizona.
I've never been to this place.
I will never be to this place.
Unless something goes horribly wrong in my life.
A lot of Mormons.
This ties in with the LDS church.
The Mormons are involved.
I got very big into this.
I'm not usually into true crime.
I really am not.
Because it's usually some woman who gets kidnapped and you're like, oh boy.
You know what I mean?
And it's a very woman thing, true crime.
Because women fantasize about men who love them enough to kidnap them and put
them in a trunk.
But I've never, you know, so I don't really, I have not been a connoisseur of
the genre of podcasting,
which is the biggest in the world.
Right?
True crime.
And I just basically pay attention to the news.
And I read news from all over the country and all over the world.
So I bring things to you before they happen.
Who knew Meghan Markle was a cunt?
I did years ago.
I knew it was a joke.
When I was saying people were celebrating it, I was going, wait, watch what
happens here.
I'm following this news out of Gilbert, Arizona, where this gang of children,
this marauding group of white, privileged, and I mean, you know, Arizona
privileged.
They have these big houses that look like Olive Gardens or macaroni grills.
You know, I mean, the kid who's accused of doing this, I think his parents own
an orange theory gym.
So you comb the Reddits.
What are you, they're going to sue me for that?
Well, they don't know.
You know what kind of lawyers I have?
You know what kind of lawyers I have?
Beverly Hills attorneys.
I have New York City attorneys, buddy.
What are you nuts?
So I'm not saying anybody's name, by the way, because I'm not doing that.
My point is that on the Reddits, they talk about this family like they're the
Kennedys.
They own a gym.
They own a martial arts gym.
But this is Arizona.
Everyone there, a lot of them, they're all so desperate.
They live in litter boxes in hell.
And it's sand traps in hell they live in.
So the family that owns the kickboxing gym is like the Bush family to these
people who live in hell.
No offense.
Am I offending anyone?
You live in hell and have nothing.
So to anyone that has anything, these people are impressed.
These houses are all made of the finishes that people that I know, we use in
like the outdoor fireplace.
And then these people put it on the whole house.
I'm going to get really distracted here and this whole thing is going to be
about masonry.
And that's not what I want it to be about.
First of all, none of this is going in anyone who lives in Scottsdale.
I have several friends in Scottsdale and Pardis Valley.
The great Phoenician, a lot of respect, a lot of people there.
What am I even saying?
There's a group of kids killing people in the street, I think.
They're called the Gilbert Goons.
They're a small group of people and they run around and they attack, brutally
attack kids.
They bash their heads in and their teeth are flying everywhere.
And they're doing it in an in and out parking lots and everything.
A lot of these kids are rich by the standards of Arizona, by the standards of
Arizona, by the standards of Gilbert, Arizona, not Scott.
You know, so they're connected, connected.
But then there's the Mormons were involved.
Now, I don't know much about the Mormons.
I really don't.
I don't know anything about the Mormons other than, again, please don't be mad
at me.
It's a very stupid religion.
As the world religions go, it's very, very dumb.
The premise of Mormonism is that God dictated the real deal to a literate guy
who is also a drunk named Joseph Smith.
And then that's the whole point here.
Whatever you're, and now, by the way, if it helps you live a good life, hey, if
it helps you live a good life, if it helps you not kill and fornicate and
whatever.
If it is what you need, do it.
That's the way I feel about everything.
Now, as I get older, it's what you need.
As long as what you need doesn't make me, like, you know, infringe on my right
to be a person that doesn't agree with your thing.
That's why I'm a little skeptical of the hordes of people coming over from the
Middle Eastern countries because they seem serious about the religion.
Very serious.
Um, so the Mormon thing, my cousin's husband is excommunicated from Mormonism
because he, as any reasonably intelligent 17-year-old, he sat down when they
went, this is a retarded.
This is not it.
Now, Mormons, I guess, are kind of gangsters.
I didn't know this, but they're kind of gangsters.
The Marriott family, they own all the hotels in all of the world.
They're a big Mormon family.
I didn't know anything about this Latter-day Saints.
I just knew Mitt Romney was a Mormon.
And again, don't be offended.
If you're a Mormon and you like this show, good for you.
But it just, it seems silly.
Objectively.
It seems like an objectively silly religion.
A lot of these religions are just created to siphon money from people, control
them, whatever.
We all know this, whatever.
Now, the Mormons don't talk to the cops.
They don't, they protect their own.
It's insular.
This is what I've learned on Reddit threads and reading about the more, I don't
know these things.
People tell me.
My cousin's husband tells me about these things.
So in this town where people are apparently incredibly privileged because they
own the Poke Bowl spot,
their kids are like athletes and they're doing very well.
And they're just going around this valley.
What is it called, this place?
Gilbert.
No, but the East Valley.
Oh, East Valley.
What is, who are they?
So they're going around this valley, the East Valley, and they're attacking
kids randomly.
And the whole, and everybody in the community is going, stop, stop killing my
children in the community now.
And they just ran that article at Gilbert, Arizona, one of the best places to
live.
Yeah.
And these kids are going around beating people up and the, and the, and the
cops are doing nothing.
The cops are like not arresting these Mormon rich kids.
This also happened in Gilbert, Arizona years ago.
It was a gang called the Devil Dogs.
Some white supremacist gang supposedly, probably was.
That maybe worked with Sammy the Bull Gravano selling ecstasy, I think.
Unless I'm mixing that up, but I'm not.
It's the Devil Dogs.
They were a gang in Gilbert.
And I think they were working with Gravano because Gravano moved to Arizona.
He was selling ecstasy, whatever.
So there's a, is this something weird in the town?
And the town has the big temple, the LDS temple, right?
Very interesting.
So they kind of protect their own.
So these kids are running around attacking people and nothing is happening.
Nobody's getting arrested.
Nobody's, and you know, they're white and they have money.
What people in Gilbert, Arizona consider money.
No offense.
It's just not, it's not one Hyde Park.
You don't know what it is.
Google it.
Piggy.
These kids are running around.
They're all psychotic.
They're sociopaths.
They think they're gangsters are acting out rap songs.
They have a rap song that I heard, which is not good.
They're using drugs.
They got guns in the videos, the brass knuckles.
They have the gun out.
They're in a, you know, the macaroni grill style mansion in Arizona with the
gun out.
I'm a thug.
I'm 17.
I'm a Mormon thug in our, in Arizona desert macaroni grill house.
It's crazy.
And it's a fascinating story.
You can show that, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
The kids with the guns and they're in a house, you know, so I'm, this is
interesting to me
because the cops are doing nothing and I know people there.
I know like people there.
I know everyone thinks it's Carrie Lake.
It's not Carrie Lake, you know, it's not, but I know other people, but I know
people in
the state and they're like, they're like, this is super weird that none of
these kids have
been arrested because here's the deal.
They kill a kid.
This is what I've left out.
There's a Halloween party and this kid, Preston Lord, this young kid sadly gets
murdered.
He's attacked.
They stomp his head out on the ground.
I mean, this is really crazy stuff for the nicest town to live in in America,
right?
And what's not to like?
110 degrees, fake lakes, tarantulas.
You know what I mean?
What, what, what couldn't you, what's not to like?
Dust storms, scorpions, snakes.
It's lovely.
Now, marauding groups of teenage Mormons trying to kill you and try to kill
your kids.
And the cops doing nothing.
What is not to like here?
So they kill this kid and nothing is done.
They don't do anything.
The cops don't do anything.
Supposedly, the cops are in cahoots with the parents who are in cahoots with
the school.
This prep school that these kids go to.
I can't really say the names of these things because everybody's litigious.
So I'm not going to say that, right?
Am I wrong?
You tell me.
We shouldn't say the names.
I'm not going to say the names of the kids.
Can I say the name of the school?
You can say the name of the school.
We could bleep it out if we find out la