Name: Price Of Poison | The Tim Dillon Show #379
Uploaded: 2024-01-27T17:00:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Price Of Poison | The Tim Dillon Show #379' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Price Of Poison | The Tim Dillon Show #379' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-27. Transcript available.

Price Of Poison | The Tim Dillon Show #379

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Great to be here.
Fun show last night in San Antonio.
We had to come back here to California to do a podcast,
and we're leaving immediately to Dallas
with the good people of Titan Aviation
who have been helping us out, and I appreciate that.
I have been flying private recently,
and I am sort of developing a problem.
I don't, and here's the thing,
and I know this seems, you know,
many of you have not had the experience
of flying in a private plane,
and that's not my fault.
To be honest, it's not my fault.
It's not, you know what I mean?
You have things I don't have, okay?
Families, all that good stuff, right?
They're always nice, right?
They always work out.
But I'm a proponent of family.
I am, even in the instance when, you know,
your kids are running around Arizona killing others.
I still think, I still think a family is good,
even when you're doing drugs together.
But I've been flying private.
My jet broker, Dirk, takes care of us.
But, you know, I'm learning lessons about pilots.
You cannot engage these people in conversation.
They will never, ever stop.
Pilots will never, first of all,
a friend of mine brought up a good point.
They are the truck drivers of the sky.
No one cares about what pilots.
When they talk, when you're sitting in the plane
and they go to speak, you roll your eyes.
You can barely hear them.
They try to make, like, a joke.
You go, the only time you ever want to hear from a pilot
is when things are getting funky,
when there's turbulence, when there's weather,
and they come on to go,
hey, folks, this will be about another five minutes.
Everything's fine.
That's the only thing you ever want to hear from a pilot.
Or if you've been sitting in a commercial flight
and you're on the tarmac and you're ready to go
and they go, hey, guys,
just a couple of routine safety checks.
We're all clear.
We're getting out of here.
You know, the hold at Logan has been lifted.
We're on our way to Boston.
That's the only time you want to hear.
But in the private thing, they're right there.
So occasionally, you make the mistake
of engaging them.
And I mean, number one, they get out of the seat.
One of them gets out of the seat and comes back
and starts asking you what it's like to be a comedian.
One of them last night, I swear to you,
one of them is out of the seat
for a half hour just talking to us.
The other one could have been dead,
could have had a stroke,
and no one would have known.
He's in the back of the plane.
He's a nice guy.
And he's chatting.
And then he, like, tells me.
I'm not trying to, I'm not ratting.
I'll never say who this is, by the way.
But then he goes, hey,
because you guys like aviation so much,
which I don't even know that I do.
I don't know that I do.
I asked a few questions about it.
I guess most people,
and this is why rich people become pieces of shit,
by the way.
This is how it happens.
Because you have enough of these experiences,
and then you just start giving people the cold shoulder
or saying, hey, hey, hey, man.
Yeah, I don't care.
But I'm trying to feign enthusiasm for,
well, what is the visual approach?
How does that work?
And I do think it's cool.
I think flying's cool.
So I ask a few questions.
I mean 25 minutes.
And then he goes up there.
He comes back again and goes,
because you like aviation so much,
does anyone want to go up front?
I'm like, what?
So I'm with a couple of my idiot friends
who are tinier or smaller than me.
I'm like, I'm not going up front.
I don't want to go up front.
I don't like aviation that much.
I don't want to go up front.
I don't want to.
My friends are up there taking photos.
One of my friends hops in the seat
and he's sitting in the seat of the jet,
which is, by the way, they encourage this.
These pilots, my idiot friend is in the seat.
And then they're like, do you want to sit in a seat?
I go, I can't fit in the seat
and I'm not going to be killed by my own fat
38,000 feet in the sky.
Like my fat hits a button and we're dead now.
And they have to explain that?
How mortifying that is?
Well, he died because he was fat.
Was it a heart attack?
No.
He was taking a private plane from San Antonio late at night.
He got in the co-pilot seat in the cockpit.
His gut touched a button and shut the hydraulics off.
And now we're all dead.
I mean, what I was saying is that?
Can you imagine the humiliation of that type of death?
We're in a death spiral?
Because I shut the engines off?
With my ass?
I'm telling you, it was crazy.
But now I've learned now, you can't speak to them.
If they say anything, I'm going to learn a few lines of another language to
just say.
You know what I mean?
Like a little Norwegian to just, you know?
I mean, it was wild.
We love our people that always hook us up and treat us well.
But it's like, do you want to come up front?
I'm like, what?
That's not allowed.
That can't be allowed.
There's no way that's allowed.
Maybe it is allowed.
But I do love a private flight.
I do.
I love the little FBO, which is a little private airport.
There's something nice about it.
Jet people.
There's something nice about the people that take jets to a Jackson Hole.
We met that lovely older woman who was taking a jet, going to Jackson Hole to
see a hockey tournament in Jackson Hole.
And she was just taking a jet, you know?
And just a lovely old woman.
Lovely old kind of, you know, fun Trump mom.
You know?
Getting on that plane.
Everyone is talking about the border.
This is all I hear about now in the news.
This is the border.
And all I can say is, well, first of all, my initial thought is don't go.
This is my initial thought.
Like, who are these people going to the border all the time?
Like, why are you going?
Like, I've never even been.
I got to be honest with you.
I don't even know where it is.
Like, I don't even know where it is.
I know that Doug Stanhope lives near it.
And the closest I've ever got was Doug Stanhope's house.
I have never gone to the border.
I don't know where it is.
What's the big deal?
But now I've read about it.
There are actually people that live there.
There are, like, towns on the border of Mexico and the United States of America.
There are caravans of migrants, large groups of people coming through the
Mexican border, some of them coming from South America, Central America.
And there's instability in some regions there, specifically Ecuador, right?
They're popping off in Ecuador.
So there's only going to be more, if you want to call them refugees.
I don't know if there are refugees, but some of them are.
Some of it is economic migration where people are coming to make a living, to
make money.
But we don't have a border really now.
We have this area where people are coming and there's nothing to be done.
So now the federal government, which is our president, Joe Biden, and is in a
war.
He's locked in a war with the state government of Texas.
And I got to say, I probably support Texas here.
I don't know what the war is.
I imagine the war is the Biden administration is tying Texas' hands.
They're not able to enforce the law.
And because they're saying federal law supersedes state law.
And they're saying that, because Texas, if you remember, is sending out people
on horseback
with whips to kind of wrangle, you know, which, by the way, is their culture.
That is what they do.
That is what they do.
This isn't like, you know what I mean?
Like, that is what they do.
Like, I know we think the culture of Texas is supposed to be like Apple's AI
division moving
to Austin, looking, we got a green juice.
No, they rope Mexicans down there with a horse and a fucking whip.
That's what they do.
That's why they're a state.
They're not a state because Elon Musk moved Tesla to Texas.
They're not a state because my good friend Joe Rogan has a comedy club there.
They're a state because they're a state because when things get going, they
send out people
on horseback to whip the Mexicans.
And some of them are Mexican.
There are more Latinos in Texas than there are whites.
There's a lot of Latino Mexican cowboys wrangling other types of Latinos, Mexicans
and Central
Americans.
And that is not my business, nor should it be yours.
It seems like it's a cultural thing.
That isn't, you know, it looks, it looks on the outside.
It doesn't look great.
The optics are bad because no one respects the Western way of life anymore.
You understand, like, no one respects the, you know what I mean, the shoe
leather kind of
just, you know, like getting the boots on, getting on the horse.
People don't rope and ride the way they used to.
People don't, but these are people that are enforcing the law in the way it has
been enforced
forever.
Whipping and wrangling.
And this is what's going on in Texas.
You have people out there because the people are coming in illegally and they're
breaking
a law.
Listen, whether you like it or not, that's what's happening.
And then the sheriffs in Texas or the border patrol, I don't know who these
people are.
I don't know who it is.
Walker, Texas Ranger.
I don't know, but they're, they're Rangers.
These are real live Texas law enforcement and they're on horseback and they're,
and they're
doing what they do.
And it looks terrible to people that are living, like people in New York City,
they read the
New York times.
They open it and they go, I, so Mike, do you see what they're doing in Texas?
They're whipping the Mexicans in Texas that are coming over the border.
But this is just the way that they, they, they, number one, they operate on
horseback.
They do.
Now, the thing that they're using that, um, what is it?
It's a, what is it?
What are they doing there with that?
It's a whip, isn't it?
But is it, isn't it, doesn't it serve another purpose as well?
I heard.
This is what they're saying.
Right.
Now get some of these photos up because it doesn't look great.
I think they're lassoing the migrant.
I don't think they're whipping them.
They're doing a lasso, which is not easy.
That is a difficult thing to do.
They're on horseback.
Now, remember, the migrants are not just waiting to be lassoed.
They're running, they're running around and you are on horseback with the lasso.
And it's got to be big because much like a cartoon, you are lassoing lots of
people.
It's not just one person.
Occasionally, you'd lasso one person.
You, or there's maybe a little baby goes, you're a little lasso.
Get them.
You know, a little toddler runs away from the group.
You go, boom, and that's easier.
But if you're going to do a big lasso, you know, it's like, it's not easy.
It's not easy.
It's difficult.
And this is their culture.
What is this, the Rio Grande?
The people coming out of the Rio Grande?
Yes.
They were using the reins.
The reins of the horse.
Yes, as they were, they were loosening them out and then, I guess.
And then whipping the migrant.
That's what it looked like, yeah.
But they're saying that they weren't whipping the migrant.
But listen.
How else, and I'm not saying that we should whip people, but there's got to be
some enforcement of the border.
And it is Texas.
And it is Texas.
You get what I mean?
Yeah.
I don't know what they can do.
They're on a horse.
They could pull out a gun and shoot the people.
No one would like that.
No one's going to be happy with that.
YouTube's not even happy I just said it.
I guarantee you they're not even happy with that.
These freaks in Venice aren't even happy with that, that I said it.
But I'm not.
But what would they do?
They're on a horse.
What are they going to do?
If the people are coming.
Now, there's people that go, you must welcome, like the humane thing to do.
And there's an argument about, do this, the humane thing to do would say,
welcome here.
You are, this is your new home.
Now, the problem with that is that they don't have the resources to do that,
all of these states.
They don't.
And the federal government has made a mess of providing resources for these
people when they come here.
In New York City, they're sitting 