Name: Michelle Obama's Fast Car Speech #381
Uploaded: 2024-02-16T20:30:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michelle Obama's Fast Car Speech #381' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michelle Obama's Fast Car Speech #381' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-16. Transcript available.

I'm telling you, it's the only shot they have.
It's the only shot they have is if Michelle Obama comes in
and they do the whole kind of, because it is powerful, right?
The idea of like black female president, you know?
You know, identity politics is annoying
and ultimately probably destructive.
We know it's destructive,
but it does have a certain visceral appeal
and it always has, a certain visceral appeal.
Even I catch myself.
I'm not a human being.
When I watch people and they're very emotional about,
you know, the fact that they are taking steps
that nobody in their race has ever done before,
even though that's not true.
Like a lot of these people, like no one has ever done that.
And it's like, no people have, like they erase,
they erase a lot of people, right?
It's like Martin was my favorite show growing up.
It was a great black sitcom, right?
I mean, the Cosby show, living single, in living color.
There were, there were a lot of, you know,
but sometimes people get up on stage.
They're like, no one has been here before me.
And I want to thank everyone who tried and failed.
And it's like, it's an odd, like, wait, what?
I want to thank everyone who tried to get here and failed
because this country was always a racist,
but they couldn't deny me, of course.
My talent couldn't be denied.
The others, you know, they tried, but they lacked something.
But I had it.
And now, but when you look at a lot of these people,
the gay people that get up and do it,
and they're like, I'm the first queer person to ever.
And it's never true, by the way.
All of these things are never true.
And people get away with it, but they're never true.
You can always find if, and you don't have to look that hard
to find people like, Ray always brings up that, like,
one of the composers for the music of the Stanley Kubrick movies
was, like, a trans woman who, you know,
is, like, this legendary composer of all this music
that went in the Kubrick films.
You don't have to look that hard to find somebody
before you that also did a thing.
There was a gay comedian.
I don't know his name, and I'm not going to find it out.
But there was a gay comedian who performed for the military
all the time.
And it was very difficult.
And if somebody knows who this is, they can message me.
His name.
And he died, but he was a gay comedian
that would perform often for the military,
which is not obviously always going to be the easiest crowd
for an openly gay comedian.
And he died.
And, but he did it.
And he went out, and he said,
and he would win them over with material,
and in the middle of the set, or towards the end,
or whatever, he would come out of the closet.
And people wouldn't mind.
It was, you know, it was just, but it was, you know,
a little awkward because you're performing,
and, you know, when he was performing,
attitudes about gay people were more, you know,
conservative than they are now.
But, you know, he wasn't famous.
This was not a famous person.
But he was out there as an openly gay comedian
doing what he did.
So I've been lucky enough to get to a level,
and I've probably even said there's probably not too many
gay male comedians who've gotten to a level
that I've gotten.
There's a few of them.
And I've been lucky, and that's the internet,
primarily because the internet is, you know,
allowed people to get involved in people's careers.
But the reality is you can never claim to be,
you're not the first of anything in 2024.
You're not it.
You might be doing a great job,
but you're probably not the first.
You just maybe got more famous than the other people,
which is such an empty way to look at it.
It doesn't mean you're better or you're more deserving.
It just means that things worked out for you.
But there's a lot of people that,
so it's always interesting when these speeches go a little overboard.
They just, they run that line between narcissism and,
you know, because we get it.
It is good to, you know, to make, to break new ground.
But then it just gets a little,
it always gets a little uncomfortable towards the end.
It's a little uncomfortable towards the end of the speech
when the person's like,
it's, it's, I stand on the shoulders of giants
to be here tonight as the only person,
you know, of my group to be here,
the only, the first non-binary Pacific Islander
to be here with you tonight.
And I, I look at those other people that,
that were disgraced.
Their lives were horrible.
And they were spit on.
Their, their whole lives,
they just opened their mouths
and people shit in their mouths.
And when I got out of that limousine
and I walked on that red carpet in my dress
and I got taken,
all these people were taking photos of me.
It was never lost on me how horrible
all those other people's lives were
and how great it is for me,
even though there's a lot more to do.
And this is no indication that it's over
because it's not over.
It's actually in many ways worse for me
than those people.
Somehow, even though I'm winning this,
I don't want to,
I'm not handing,
I'm not handing you over the thing.
I'm telling you it's still bad
and it's going to be bad.
But just as I was in my Valentino dress,
I got out of,
and I just,
I thought about all those people
whose lives were terrible right before me.
But there is a visceral,
exciting thing about identity policy,
something fun about it.
We all can get into it.
We go, yeah, good for you.
I'm happy.
I'm happy when someone wins, right?
So I think Michelle Obama
is the only way,
and it's got to be big.
It has to be big.
It's got to be Beyonce at the convention.
It has to be big.
You've got to,
it's got to be that.
You have to lean.
You have to lean into it
in a way that's,
you know,
you've got to ride the line
between offensive,
I mean,
it's got to be Native American
with the drums,
kind of drum circles,
and it's got to be African,
like traditional African dance
because that is a nice dance.
You don't see that a lot
like the traditional
kind of African dance they do.
And I'm telling you,
this all seems racist.
None of it is.
And that's what's interesting.
What's interesting about it
is that it all seems racist
and genuinely,
genuinely none of it is.
And I have to correct
people all the time
because I'm telling her
how to win,
telling her how to win.
And in order to win,
you have,
I want to see
Minnesota delegates,
white,
I mean,
gaunt white ghost people
that emerged
from their shit
snowy towns
in the Northeast
and they come
in the Great Lakes,
the Finger Lakes region,
they come out,
they come out
and they are just
kind of moving
awkwardly
at the convention
to some great
African drum beats,
great African drum beats
and you just see like
the awkward swaying,
the awkward swaying
of a librarian
from Minnesota,
you know,
she's just awkwardly
swaying
and she's got to bring,
they got to bring
the Jews
and the Muslims together
and we can only
really do that
at this point
through kind of a,
kind of a beat,
kind of a dance,
kind of a musical
because it is going
to be very awkward,
right?
Because I mean,
you got to have to,
what do they do?
That's the biggest issue
for the Democrat.
Do they even bring it up?
Do they even bring it up
at the convention?
They're going to maybe
have to,
but I'm telling you
right now,
it's got to be spectacle.
They have to lean
on spectacle.
They don't have,
the Jew Muslim thing
is going to be tough
because it,
you know,
they've got people of color.
That's their,
one of their big,
you know,
demos.
And then they have
Jewish people.
That's another big demo.
Okay.
And then they're going
to have to get up
and they're going to go,
oh boy,
how do we handle this?
And the only way
to handle it,
the only way to skate
past it is spectacle.
The only way to skate
past the border stuff
is spectacle.
The strength of this country
is,
you know,
they really just have
to double down
on spectacle.
And the only way
to do that
is kind of with
Michelle Obama
coming out
with Barack
star power,
star studded.
You bring everybody out.
I mean,
everybody is on that stage.
Doja Cat,
everyone.
And you are just,
and no one,
because that's the,
that's the only thing
they're going to be able to,
they're not going to be able
to like logically,
there's too many contradictions in their platform.
There's too many groups in the room that hate each other.
Too many people hate each other.
And when too many people hate each other,
you have to lean on spectacle.
Everybody, it's kind of got to be a concert.
It has to be a coronation.
It can't be like you're going through the platform.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not going to work.
You cannot do a line by line.
Like, let's decide the party party.
That's got to be done behind closed doors in secret and silence.
Silence.
Tracy Chapman, look at Tracy Chapman has to do fast car.
There can be no discussion of anything.
You bring out Tracy Chapman, you got a fast car.
It doesn't matter that Michelle Obama was raised rich pretty much.
Not rich, but middle class.
Fine, she's fine.
You know, Michelle Obama can just talk about she should just do the lyrics to
fast car.
You know?
You know, if she got up there, get the lyrics to fast car.
If she got up there and just poetically, she was like,
You've got a fast car.
And everyone's clapping.
And I want a ticket to anywhere.
Yeah.
Maybe we can make a deal.
Maybe together we can get somewhere.
Yeah.
Starting from zero, we got nothing to lose.
Been working at the convenience store.
There's a lot of people out here that managed to save just a little bit of
money.
Clap.
Everyone's going nuts.
And we won't have to drive too far.
Just across the border and into the city.
And then someone's going to yell, free Palestine.
And that, you know, you just have to keep going.
You know?
And you have to ignore it.
You have to, because you know that's going to happen at the convention.
They're going to, they're already planning.
They're already planning that disruption.
So they're going to go, free Palestine.
And then if she's good, and she's good, she'll just point at them.
You and I can both get jobs.
Finally see what it means to be living.
And everyone's clapping.
And then she gets serious.
She goes, my old man's got a problem.
He's got a problem.
He live in the bottle.
That's the way it is.
He said his body is too old for working.
And everyone's nodding.
You know, the nodding.
Because, you know, she's a wise black woman.
It's what it is.
That's what it is.
I listen.
Whenever a black woman talks, I listen.
Because they know more than, like, a 17-year-old white piece of shit.
So I always listen.
They've been through more as people than, like, young white.
I never listen.
If you're not hot on Instagram, and you're, like, a young white dude,
if you're hot, I just watch it on mute.
I don't care at all what you're saying.
If you're a 20-year-old white dude, and you're like,
that's all I hear.
But if a black woman, no matter what stage of her life shift,
she's homeless, I listen.
A homeless black woman, you know, who's like,
I will turn and listen to her immediately,
because I just have more respect for their base of wood.
They've been through more shit.
So people in the audience are going to be enrapped.
You know, there's going to be, like, they're going to,
is that a word, enrapped, enraptured, in, in, in, what am I looking for?
It doesn't matter.
The point is, what am I saying?
You know what I mean?
They're going to be, and, and, and, and, and then Michelle's going to be at the
convention,
and she's going to be like, his body's too young to look like this,
and everyone's going to start nodding.
Now, here's the deal.
There are, maybe certain people in the convention will know it's the lyrics to
Fast Car
by Tracy Chappell, but it won't matter.
She'll go, so mama went off and left him.
She wanted more from life than he could give,
and I said, somebody's got to take care of it,
and then every, and it's a big applause line.
So I quit school, and that's what I did.
I'm telling you, you have to lean on spectacle at that convention.
Biden has to be taken out like old yellow.

Michelle Obama's Fast Car Speech #381

I'm telling you, it's the only shot they have.
It's the only shot they have is if Michelle Obama comes in
and they do the whole kind of, because it is powerful, right?
The idea of like black female president, you know?
You know, identity politics is annoying
and ultimately probably destructive.
We know it's destructive,
but it does have a certain visceral appeal
and it always has, a certain visceral appeal.
Even I catch myself.
I'm not a human being.
When I watch people and they're very emotional about,
you know, the fact that they are taking steps
that nobody in their race has ever done before,
even though that's not true.
Like a lot of these people, like no one has ever done that.
And it's like, no people have, like they erase,
they erase a lot of people, right?
It's like Martin was my favorite show growing up.
It was a great black sitcom, right?
I mean, the Cosby show, living single, in living color.
There were, there were a lot of, you know,
but sometimes people get up on stage.
They're like, no one has been here before me.
And I want to thank everyone who tried and failed.
And it's like, it's an odd, like, wait, what?
I want to thank everyone who tried to get here and failed
because this country was always a racist,
but they couldn't deny me, of course.
My talent couldn't be denied.
The others, you know, they tried, but they lacked something.
But I had it.
And now, but when you look at a lot of these people,
the gay people that get up and do it,
and they're like, I'm the first queer person to ever.
And it's never true, by the way.
All of these things are never true.
And people get away with it, but they're never true.
You can always find if, and you don't have to look that hard
to find people like, Ray always brings up that, like,
one of the composers for the music of the Stanley Kubrick movies
was, like, a trans woman who, you know,
is, like, this legendary composer of all this music
that went in the Kubrick films.
You don't have to look that hard to find somebody
before you that also did a thing.
There was a gay comedian.
I don't know his name, and I'm not going to find it out.
But there was a gay comedian who performed for the military
all the time.
And it was very difficult.
And if somebody knows who this is, they can message me.
His name.
And he died, but he was a gay comedian
that would perform often for the military,
which is not obviously always going to be the easiest crowd
for an openly gay comedian.
And he died.
And, but he did it.
And he went out, and he said,
and he would win them over with material,
and in the middle of the set, or towards the end,
or whatever, he would come out of the closet.
And people wouldn't mind.
It was, you know, it was just, but it was, you know,
a little awkward because you're performing,
and, you know, when he was performing,
attitudes about gay people were more, you know,
conservative than they are now.
But, you know, he wasn't famous.
This was not a famous person.
But he was out there as an openly gay comedian
doing what he did.
So I've been lucky enough to get to a level,
and I've probably even said there's probably not too many
gay male comedians who've gotten to a level
that I've gotten.
There's a few of them.
And I've been lucky, and that's the internet,
primarily because the internet is, you know,
allowed people to get involved in people's careers.
But the reality is you can never claim to be,
you're not the first of anything in 2024.
You're not it.
You might be doing a great job,
but you're probably not the first.
You just maybe got more famous than the other people,
which is such an empty way to look at it.
It doesn't mean you're better or you're more deserving.
It just means that things worked out for you.
But there's a lot of people that,
so it's always interesting when these speeches go a little overboard.
They just, they run that line between narcissism and,
you know, because we get it.
It is good to, you know, to make, to break new ground.
But then it just gets a little,
it always gets a little uncomfortable towards the end.
It's a little uncomfortable towards the end of the speech
when the person's like,
it's, it's, I stand on the shoulders of giants
to be here tonight as the only person,
you know, of my group to be here,
the only, the first non-binary Pacific Islander
to be here with you tonight.
And I, I look at those other people that,
that were disgraced.
Their lives were horrible.
And they were spit on.
Their, their whole lives,
they just opened their mouths
and people shit in their mouths.
And when I got out of that limousine
and I walked on that red carpet in my dress
and I got taken,
all these people were taking photos of me.
It was never lost on me how horrible
all those other people's lives were
and how great it is for me,
even though there's a lot more to do.
And this is no indication that it's over
because it's not over.
It's actually in many ways worse for me
than those people.
Somehow, even though I'm winning this,
I don't want to,
I'm not handing,
I'm not handing you over the thing.
I'm telling you it's still bad
and it's going to be bad.
But just as I was in my Valentino dress,
I got out of,
and I just,
I thought about all those people
whose lives were terrible right before me.
But there is a visceral,
exciting thing about identity policy,
something fun about it.
We all can get into it.
We go, yeah, good for you.
I'm happy.
I'm happy when someone wins, right?
So I think Michelle Obama
is the only way,
and it's got to be big.
It has to be big.
It's got to be Beyonce at the convention.
It has to be big.
You've got to,
it's got to be that.
You have to lean.
You have to lean into it
in a way that's,
you know,
you've got to ride the line
between offensive,
I mean,
it's got to be Native American
with the drums,
kind of drum circles,
and it's got to be African,
like traditional African dance
because that is a nice dance.
You don't see that a lot
like the traditional
kind of African dance they do.
And I'm telling you,
this all seems racist.
None of it is.
And that's what's interesting.
What's interesting about it
is that it all seems racist
and genuinely,
genuinely none of it is.
And I have to correct
people all the time
because I'm telling her
how to win,
telling her how to win.
And in order to win,
you have,
I want to see
Minnesota delegates,
white,
I mean,
gaunt white ghost people
that emerged
from their shit
snowy towns
in the Northeast
and they come
in the Great Lakes,
the Finger Lakes region,
they come out,
they come out
and they are just
kind of moving
awkwardly
at the convention
to some great
African drum beats,
great African drum beats
and you just see like
the awkward swaying,
the awkward swaying
of a librarian
from Minnesota,
you know,
she's just awkwardly
swaying
and she's got to bring,
they got to bring
the Jews
and the Muslims together
and we can only
really do that
at this point
through kind of a,
kind of a beat,
kind of a dance,
kind of a musical
because it is going
to be very awkward,
right?
Because I mean,
you got to have to,
what do they do?
That's the biggest issue
for the Democrat.
Do they even bring it up?
Do they even bring it up
at the convention?
They're going to maybe
have to,
but I'm telling you
right now,
it's got to be spectacle.
They have to lean
on spectacle.
They don't have,
the Jew Muslim thing
is going to be tough
because it,
you know,
they've got people of color.
That's their,
one of their big,
you know,
demos.
And then they have
Jewish people.
That's another big demo.
Okay.
And then they're going
to have to get up
and they're going to go,
oh boy,
how do we handle this?
And the only way
to handle it,
the only way to skate
past it is spectacle.
The only way to skate
past the border stuff
is spectacle.
The strength of this country
is,
you know,
they really just have
to double down
on spectacle.
And the only way
to do that
is kind of with
Michelle Obama
coming out
with Barack
star power,
star studded.
You bring everybody out.
I mean,
everybody is on that stage.
Doja Cat,
everyone.
And you are just,
and no one,
because that's the,
that's the only thing
they're going to be able to,
they're not going to be able
to like logically,
there's too many contradictions in their platform.
There's too many groups in the room that hate each other.
Too many people hate each other.
And when too many people hate each other,
you have to lean on spectacle.
Everybody, it's kind of got to be a concert.
It has to be a coronation.
It can't be like you're going through the platform.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not going to work.
You cannot do a line by line.
Like, let's decide the party party.
That's got to be done behind closed doors in secret and silence.
Silence.
Tracy Chapman, look at Tracy Chapman has to do fast car.
There can be no discussion of anything.
You bring out Tracy Chapman, you got a fast car.
It doesn't matter that Michelle Obama was raised rich pretty much.
Not rich, but middle class.
Fine, she's fine.
You know, Michelle Obama can just talk about she should just do the lyrics to
fast car.
You know?
You know, if she got up there, get the lyrics to fast car.
If she got up there and just poetically, she was like,
You've got a fast car.
And everyone's clapping.
And I want a ticket to anywhere.
Yeah.
Maybe we can make a deal.
Maybe together we can get somewhere.
Yeah.
Starting from zero, we got nothing to lose.
Been working at the convenience store.
There's a lot of people out here that managed to save just a little bit of
money.
Clap.
Everyone's going nuts.
And we won't have to drive too far.
Just across the border and into the city.
And then someone's going to yell, free Palestine.
And that, you know, you just have to keep going.
You know?
And you have to ignore it.
You have to, because you know that's going to happen at the convention.
They're going to, they're already planning.
They're already planning that disruption.
So they're going to go, free Palestine.
And then if she's good, and she's good, she'll just point at them.
You and I can both get jobs.
Finally see what it means to be living.
And everyone's clapping.
And then she gets serious.
She goes, my old man's got a problem.
He's got a problem.
He live in the bottle.
That's the way it is.
He said his body is too old for working.
And everyone's nodding.
You know, the nodding.
Because, you know, she's a wise black woman.
It's what it is.
That's what it is.
I listen.
Whenever a black woman talks, I listen.
Because they know more than, like, a 17-year-old white piece of shit.
So I always listen.
They've been through more as people than, like, young white.
I never listen.
If you're not hot on Instagram, and you're, like, a young white dude,
if you're hot, I just watch it on mute.
I don't care at all what you're saying.
If you're a 20-year-old white dude, and you're like,
that's all I hear.
But if a black woman, no matter what stage of her life shift,
she's homeless, I listen.
A homeless black woman, you know, who's like,
I will turn and listen to her immediately,
because I just have more respect for their base of wood.
They've been through more shit.
So people in the audience are going to be enrapped.
You know, there's going to be, like, they're going to,
is that a word, enrapped, enraptured, in, in, in, what am I looking for?
It doesn't matter.
The point is, what am I saying?
You know what I mean?
They're going to be, and, and, and, and, and then Michelle's going to be at the
convention,
and she's going to be like, his body's too young to look like this,
and everyone's going to start nodding.
Now, here's the deal.
There are, maybe certain people in the convention will know it's the lyrics to
Fast Car
by Tracy Chappell, but it won't matter.
She'll go, so mama went off and left him.
She wanted more from life than he could give,
and I said, somebody's got to take care of it,
and then every, and it's a big applause line.
So I quit school, and that's what I did.
I'm telling you, you have to lean on spectacle at that convention.
Bid