Name: Tim Dillon Wants You To Buy His California House #382
Uploaded: 2024-03-01T17:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Wants You To Buy His California House #382' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Wants You To Buy His California House #382' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-01. Transcript available.

What these scumbags at the Rob Report just did to me.
I'm selling my house.
Can I have the people at the Rob Report sent to the Polar Wolf prison?
Because do I get any privacy or no?
Do I get privacy?
The price of my home is $4995.
It's not $5 million, Rob Report.
And I'll tell you right now, folks, get Invest in California now.
Now is the time.
It's on the up.
California's on the up.
It's on the up.
The weather is great.
The people are fun.
The business it's built on is strong.
Every indicator is that you're going to not regret,
you will not regret a sizable multimillion-dollar investment in Los Angeles
right now.
Let me be your guide.
Come on in.
Come on in.
What about Julia Navalny?
Why not let's get her in the house?
Does Julia, Julia, Julia, Navalny want to live in the house?
Well, put her in the house.
But if you do want to buy the house, buy the house.
It's Los Angeles, folks.
Nothing better.
I'm just not spending a lot of time there, you know, because of everything, all
of the reasons.
But you'll like it.
The good news is I'm selling it because it's too good.
The political leaders are too smart.
The weather is too good.
I'm too happy.
So I'm giving it to you.
Very fair price.
What I bought it for plus what I put into it.
Very fair.
One of the greatest views in the world.
In L.A.
Top 50 views in L.A. without question.
And it's right by a nice big mudslide that happened, which is nice.
So you can only get to the house one way now because the road is taken out.
Mulholland Drive, they took it out with a mudslide.
But that's kind of fun.
A lot.
And because here's the thing with the mudslides.
They're pretty.
They are pretty.
The rocks and the mud and the earth is pretty.
There's something beautiful about it because we don't slow down enough in our
day.
And I think to really be grateful and to be present, there's something about
stopping your car.
Make that bigger.
There's something about stopping your car just to be present in this moment and
to just take a deep breath and to, you know what I mean?
Because we're part of the earth.
There's all kinds of people that have talked about this.
But we are.
We're part of the earth.
So when you take a moment to just be the dirt, to be the mud, it's beautiful.
Don't take that way to the house.
But, you know, listen, I love it.
I have so many friends there.
And I wish them so much peace, love, and enlightenment on their journey.
On their journey.
And I think it's time to, for, because you know what they say is that, you know,
a sucker is born every day.
And, you know, that's what we need.
We need a sucker.
We need a sucker here.
We need a real sucker.
We need a sucker.
We need a sucker.
We need someone to come in who goes, I want to be part of this city of angels,
city of lights.
Beautiful view.
It's a beautiful view.
You look out at everything.
As it all, as it all happens.
It's beautiful.
So that's my, you know, if you want to buy the house, go buy it.
It's not going to sell.
Probably I'll still have to keep it for years and years and years.
But maybe not.
Maybe someone will get in while the getting's good.
Get in while the getting's good.
The film industry might be over, but fuck it.
You create a new film industry.
It's on you now.
So you buy my house endless possibilities starting from zero.
You build the city.
You build the state.
That's right.
It's a fixer upper, not the house, California.
The house is fine.
The house is beautiful.
It's the state of California that you will have to take a hammer to, to defend
yourself
from the people.
But no, we've all, the car's only been robbed a few times.
It's good.
It's fun.
They do it late at night.
It's on the ring camera.
They don't bother you.
They don't wake you up and say, hey, I'm taking the camera out of the luggage
in the
back seat.
They do it very quietly.
And there, here's what's good about the people who robbed the car outside of my
home.
They don't even seem like they want to do it.
They're conflicted.
Like you can see them kind of conflicted about it as they do it.
They don't seem like they're professionals.
They seem like they're amateurs, which is more fun to watch on the ring cam.
They're kind of like trepidatious a little bit.
But if you don't mind mudslides, atmospheric rain, amateur thieves stealing
from your car,
the total, uh, moral and cultural collapse of a city, it has an amazing view
because the
view is all the little Jack in the boxes where people stand outside stabbing
each other.
They all light up in the Valley and you can smoke marijuana.
And look at, I imagine if you buy it, you're smoked marijuana, you're a degenerate
or something
and you get high and you stare at all the lights that are created by the gas
stations and the
Jack in the boxes and the El Pollo Locos, you know, and all the things that
make up the
Valley view of Los Angeles and the, you know, porn mansions where they used to
have orgies.
And now it's a bunch of, you know, tick tockers jumping on a trampoline or
whatever the hell
they're doing, but what a beautiful view.
It's a stunning view.
And I'm telling you right now, LA is a stock that is low.
This is a low stock.
Okay.
Get in now.
Get in now.
Yeah.
Look at that.
No, that's not the, yeah, that's the Valley view.
You get a view that's kind of like that and the lights twinkle at night.
You don't even have to be high.
I mean, if you buy the house, you probably are, but you don't even have to be
high to really
enjoy the view.