Name: Biden's SOTU & The Lazarus Drug | The Tim Dillon Show #383
Uploaded: 2024-03-09T06:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Biden's SOTU & The Lazarus Drug | The Tim Dillon Show #383' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Biden's SOTU & The Lazarus Drug | The Tim Dillon Show #383' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-09. Transcript available.

Biden's SOTU & The Lazarus Drug | The Tim Dillon Show #383

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Joe Biden looked good.
He did. He looked very good.
I mean, he's old. We know he's old.
But whatever he's on, whatever drug that they have him on is working, it worked.
You know, I mean, he was a little overboard with like Russia's marching through
Europe.
And I'm not commenting on the substance of what he said.
But the aesthetic was like, this guy came to fucking party.
He was doing crowd work.
He was going off script, going back and forth with Marjorie Taylor Greene.
I didn't know if he was going to be.
Yeah, he had a couple of flubs that were troubling.
But we're used to them.
It's all about getting people used to the thing.
Everybody gets used to the thing that the press, like George W. Bush also
couldn't speak.
And he would make up words.
And then it just became like, oh, it's fun.
It's fun.
You know, so Biden's thing is going to be, you know, every now and then he's
going to go, you know, he's going to stop.
He's going to look like he's dead.
He's going to search for a word he cannot find.
And then he'll eventually get it.
And you're going to be kind of hanging on in that moment.
There was a few times during the State of the Union where you were like, it's
almost done.
It's almost over.
Come on.
You got this.
You got it.
And you were hanging on to his word.
You know, you're like, whoa, what are you going for?
And he goes, yeah, you got on a plane.
We'll go to my, I'll take you to Moscow.
And then he goes, well, not Moscow.
He goes, but, but he goes, maybe Moscow.
Like he, he doubled back.
He saved it.
So that's what's going to end in the debate.
I mean, whoa, the debates are going to be just.
Oof.
Like hanging on for dear life to every word he says.
But it's made him kind of exciting again.
His ability to go in and do 90% of it.
And then the other 10%, you're like, how bad could this get?
How off the rails could this get?
Kind of makes him exciting.
And you're kind of like, oh, it's kind of interesting.
Because there was a few times, there were a few moments during a largely,
coherent speech.
There were a few moments when he, it was deer in headlights.
He didn't know where he was going.
He didn't know why he had arrived at where he was.
He was lost.
You know, you could see it.
You could go, he goes, how did I even get here?
Forget like where I go next.
How did this happen?
How did this happen?
You know, one of them was when Marjorie Taylor Greene was like, say her name.
And then he said the name of the woman killed by the illegal, what's her name?
Lyle Lacey, Lincoln Riley.
Lyle Lacey, Lincoln Riley.
He's like, Lincoln Riley, killed by the illegal.
And then he was lost for a minute because he's like, fuck, how did this happen?
Do you have that moment?
I think so.
Yeah, I hear one second.
Let's see if we have that moment because for a minute, he's like, how, how am I
here?
How did I get to Lincoln Riley?
But all in all, a phenomenal job from a guy who is a corpse, whatever drug, I
think it's
called the Lazarus drug.
I think this is a drug that they put people on at the end when they're in like,
it's stage
four, but they still have to be the president.
Like this is the final, this is what they've got.
Make no mistake.
What he is on is the best they can do.
That guy at that podium is, you will not get that guy any other time.
You might get it in a debate.
Did you see when he was having ice cream talking about Israel and Gaza?
You're not going to get that guy in the ice cream shop.
You're not getting him in the Oval Office when he kind of doesn't know what's
happening.
You're getting him very, very rarely.
That level of energy, that level of clarity.
Except for, again, a few, because nothing's perfect.
No drug is perfect.
Let's take a look at this.
Not really.
Lincoln Riley, an innocent young woman who was killed by an illegal.
Good.
He says illegal.
That's right.
But how many of thousands of people being killed by legals?
To her parents, I say, my heart goes out to you, having lost children myself.
I understand.
Good.
He brings it back to him.
How good was that?
No, but that was good.
I was shocked.
I was on the couch going, who the fuck is this?
Lincoln Riley.
Then he's like, she was killed by an illegal.
Everybody's like, okay.
And then he's like, then he brings it back to him.
He's like, and my heart goes out to you, having lost children myself.
And everyone has to quiet down.
But then he's kind of, now watch.
Can we watch a little more?
Because now he kind of doesn't quite know where he is right after that moment.
Right after that moment, he's a little confused.
He's a little befuddled.
Because, you know, you interrupted his flow.
He's been practicing this speech, you know, every single day.
And they interrupted him.
Marjorie Taylor Greene interrupted his flow.
And then he's like, so then the moment after that, he's a little all over the
place.
Like, he's not, but I mean, I was shocked.
It's not about him.
It's not about me.
I'd be a winner, not really.
There it is.
See?
There he goes.
Where is he?
Where is he?
What do you get?
Get the pin.
Get the pin.
Get the gavel.
Morgan and Morgan.
Lincoln.
Lincoln Riley.
That's right.
An innocent young woman who was killed.
They should always have things for him.
That's right.
They should always have visual aids and props for him, by the way.
To your parents, I say, my heart goes out to you having lost children myself.
Pick something else up.
But look, if we change the dynamic at the border.
This is right.
People pay these smugglers $8,000 to get across the border.
Keep going, pop.
Because they know if they get by.
Oh, boy.
If they get by.
Yep.
And let into the country.
We're there.
We're almost there.
Six to eight years before they have a hearing.
That's correct.
And it's worth taking the chance to the $8,000.
Yeah, we're getting there.
Let's start to wrap it up.
If it's only six months, six weeks.
Whatever.
The idea is.
Come on in.
It's unlikely that people will pay that money.
Come back to us.
And come all that way.
That's right.
Knowing that they'll be able to be kicked out quickly.
That's right.
Okay.
So it's moments like that.
You're on the edge of your seat going, where will it go?
But I like the idea of, hey, he has a pin.
During the debates, give him visual aids.
Give him props.
Let him pick something up and remind himself of what he's talking about.
If he has to reference somebody who was murdered, make a pin for all of the
things he has to
write.
China should be a pin.
He picks it up and goes, China, Taiwan.
Taiwan's a pin.
Everything should be a pin.
I like him with a visual aid.
He likes it.
He needs it.
I want it.
I like him going to like a Gallagher-esque bag, if you will.
Pulling out props.
Pulling out things.
Here we go.
Take a look at what I got.
He's got a big map of the border.
He gives it to Kamala.
There's, you know, he's got a big map.
This is a good gag.
It also buys him time.
You know, he's on a delay.
And the drugs are only working so well.
So, any type of, you know, prop bag of wacky gadgets he can bring out during
the debate
is absolutely essential to keep this on track.
So, I love him with this pin.
What a gift Marjorie Taylor Greene gave to him.
She didn't even know.
Look at her.
She's covered in pins.
Marjorie Taylor Greene.
She's got every pin.
Everybody who's got killed by an illegal alien, Marjorie Taylor Greene has
their face on a pin.
By the way, what store?
Is that a store I can go to in Florida and just buy dead people pins that were
killed by illegal aliens?
There's got to be a store.
There's got to be a store.
She's from, what, Georgia?
She's the senator, congresswoman, whatever.
Who cares?
Is there a store in Georgia where people that have been killed by illegals, you
can turn them into pins?
How does this work?
What a fun carnival attraction to just be able to go and go, hey, I'd love to
put this face on a pin.
And they go, oh, is that your, who is that?
Is that your wife?
No, it's a girl who was killed by an illegal.
Oh, it's a fun carnival attraction.
Any death that you want to politicize in this country, there should be a place
for you to go.
Whether it's a kid who got shot at Sandy Hook or this poor woman who was killed
by an illegal,
you should be able to make them into a snow globe, a lava lamp, a pin.
You should be able, if you, if you, you know, maybe you, I mean, really, you
could do everything in this store.
You could have like, you know, the targets, you could make people's faces
targets if you don't like.
But no, dead people whose deaths you want to use as political pawns,
you should be able to make them into trinkets and things to hand out.
Key chains, if, if an illegal immigrant kills me, please make me into a key
chain.
Please, for the love of God, make me into a key chain and hand me out.
To these, you know, whoever these are, these Turning Point USA people, whatever.
Who's ever excited to go to these conventions?
Make me a key chain.
Make me a nerf.
Maybe shoot little Tim Dillon balls out of a nerf gun.
Figure out a way where I can live on through a kind of a really schlocky, you
know, knick-knack.
It's a knick-knack.
It's very interesting to just have the pins of dead people.
Do you think Marjorie Taylor Greene puts any of the pins of the kids who've
been shot in school shootings on?
Probably not, right?
And then the Democrats, because the Democrats have all those pins.
Of pins of all the black people who've been killed by the police and the school
shooting people.
And then the Republicans have the pins of all the fetuses that have been killed.
I mean, you've got to just do one pin per whatever, 10 million fetuses, right?
That these whores have flushed down the toilet.
In their part, in what they believe.
So it's just got to be pin to pin to pin.
And I'm all for it, man.
And I like this idea of turn, because we know in America that, unfortunately,
people are going to die in ways that we are going to then politicize.
This is just what happens.
Say her name!
So what we have to do is find a way to make those people into, you know, fun
souvenirs.
Become a souvenir.
Die in a political way.
Become a souvenir.
Be handed out during a convention.
Become a pin.
Why not?
Do it!
I want to thank the good people.
of Arizona.
And I want to say you're welcome.
I want to thank them, because with very little resources, very little,
the citizens of Gilbert, Arizona, were able to push the police to arrest seven
people in the murder of this kid, Preston Lord,
that we talked about on this show.
And I want to tell the citizens of Arizona, I want to say that you are welcome.
I, I don't, I don't need a pat on the back.
I don't need, but let's be very clear.
This is me.
I did this.
Let's be very clear about this.
I sounded the alarm bell nationally for this.
That's what happened.
I don't need someone to come over and call me a hero or write an article about
me or make a documentary about me or say that, you know, they're amazed at how,
how much of a humanitarian I am.
I don't need to stand on a stage with an award, but let's be very honest.
I was the one pushing this story.
And yes, because it is, because I want to make a film about it, partially, only
partially.
I also want justice.
But I was the one, and people said to me, why do you care about this story?
Why does it matter to you?
I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you exactly why.
And I'm glad you asked.
I'm a capitalist, and I believe in things.
I believe, I have virtues that I believe in.
When I heard that these low-rent, Tybo, gym-owning people or whatever were
trying to cover up a murder of a kid, I'm like, you don't get to do that
because you sling smoothies in the desert, dummy.
You only get to do that if you're a real blue-blood elite.
You want to drive off a bridge with a chick in your car?
Your name better be Kennedy.
You want to go AWOL on the Vietnam War, and then when people find out all of
the buildings that house the documents that they can prove that it and end up
going on 