Name: Jessica Kirson & The Revenge Of The Basic | The Tim Dillon Show #387
Uploaded: 2024-04-06T16:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jessica Kirson & The Revenge Of The Basic | The Tim Dillon Show #387' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jessica Kirson & The Revenge Of The Basic | The Tim Dillon Show #387' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-06. Transcript available.

Jessica Kirson & The Revenge Of The Basic | The Tim Dillon Show #387

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Jessica Kyrsten is with us.
Turn me down.
I'm a little hot in these headphones.
This is a little loud.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's Easter Sunday.
This will be released in a week or two because I'll be in Europe.
And you were trying to get here.
Did the driver who told you that there was a trans parade on Fifth Avenue,
did he just think the Easter parade was the trans parade?
Because the Easter parade, everyone wears bonnets and looks crazy.
Right.
I think he just thought that was the trans parade.
I think.
But maybe there were two parades.
Well, he also said it's some kind of Indian holiday, too.
I think he's on acid.
Honestly, there was no Uber driver.
I'm joking.
No, if I saw people with those crazy hats, I would go, oh, it's a trans parade.
Oh, my God.
Is that the Easter parade?
This is the Easter parade.
That person needs to be killed.
Why is that person wearing that hat?
Is that a hat?
Yeah, they all have funny hats and Easter bonnets.
But that's dumb.
Why?
What is that?
Well, this is the whole thing.
It's Easter.
They all wear bonnets.
But that's not a bonnet.
That's a fucking tree.
Well, everybody's getting creative.
That's not creative.
I agree with you.
That's mentally ill.
I mean, I'm mentally ill, but that's like you need to be in a home.
This is what he thought the trans parade was, I think.
I think so, too.
I think he saw this, and he was like, this has to be the trans parade.
It does not look like an Easter parade.
It looks more like a trans parade than an Easter parade.
But everyone in the, yeah, but everyone in the Easter parade was wearing, like,
chaps and heels.
So that, I don't know.
It might have been a little confusing.
It might have been confusing.
I just, because I guess they've made Trans Visibility Day Easter.
I don't really understand.
When did that happen?
I don't know.
It happened recently.
Biden did it recently, and people are angry.
Is that what Biden's doing?
Oh, was it?
Was it?
Oh, it's an annual event occurring every March 31st since 2009.
Oh, it just happened to be on.
And by the way, is Easter the same day every year?
No.
Okay.
So it's an invented thing that people are mad about.
It just so happened that this year.
Right.
You had the Trans Day Visibility and Easter at the same time.
But then why are people so upset about it?
Because people, they want to be.
Well, you know who's the most upset about it is Caitlyn Jenner, who's fucking
transgender.
You know what?
Get your dick put back on and make a bigger statement.
Yeah.
Does she have a dick?
I think it's gone.
Why?
Well, I.
She seems pretty angry.
I think she has a dick.
I've heard that it was taken.
By who?
Like a thief?
Did someone mug her and chop her dick off?
Well, there's a lot of home invasions in L.A. right now.
Did a squatter take her dick?
There's a lot of, there's a lot of crime happening.
So I think somebody went into her Malibu house and grabbed it.
Took her dick, her fucking trophies, and a slipper?
Yeah.
What did they take?
Like a thief in the night.
Her genitals were not removed, but rather rearranged.
What?
Into a form consistent with being a woman.
They were put into a cross.
Well, they make.
They were so religious.
They took her dick and her balls and made him to a cross.
And this, and today she has an Easter bonnet.
Do you think she had a Republican trans, like a doctor, like a Republican trans,
I hope
she went to like.
She had a Nazi put them on.
Yeah.
I hope she went to like a guy who was like, you know, like angrily doing it.
Oh yeah, like fucking like, I put, I put your dick into a cross.
Get on the train.
I hate it too, but we need to do it quickly and quietly.
I hate myself also, but let me just chop it off.
Just do it quietly and quietly.
There's things I like about her.
Caitlyn came to my Christmas party in LA.
Really?
Yes.
And she was lovely.
She was fun.
She showed everyone her plane.
Her plane?
She flies a little plane around Malibu.
What is.
She's a real life superhero, Jessica.
What is the plane shaped as?
She's the hero we need.
What's the thing?
Look, there she is right there.
Can you imagine if you're in a runway?
How does she fit in the plane?
Does it have a top?
Like there's no top on it?
Isn't she like 7'2"?
She's huge.
Yeah.
She's very robust.
Yeah.
She's a robust woman.
Wow.
And she is.
What's her girlfriend look like?
I'm sorry.
I just have issues with her because she's homophobic.
No, of course I get it.
She was against gay marriage.
But by the way, here's the thing.
She said, I am against gay marriage because I'm an old-fashioned girl.
It's the funniest thing that's ever been said.
Old-fashioned girl is amazing to me.
It's amazing.
I just can't not like her because.
I understand that.
To say that.
To say.
I get it.
I get it.
It's nuts.
All seven feet tall of you.
With these big size 15 Christian Laboutons on that are like specially made.
Her hands look like the ones in the baseball team.
You know, when you go in the baseball.
No, it's crazy.
And then she goes, I'm an old-fashioned girl.
Look at her right there.
Get that up.
She's fueling up her plane.
Can you please get up the photo of her fueling her plane?
She's the size of a plane.
Just standing.
Not going vertical.
I mean, is this not a superhero?
She's fueling up her plane and she just flies it around Malibu.
Looking for gay marriages to fly over and scare everybody.
Bomb gay marriages.
Bomb gay marriages.
But it's a very, what a wild life.
Can I see a picture of her beard?
Her wife?
Her wife or the actual?
She's not married.
She's against it.
No, she has, her partner is a lovely woman who also came to the Christmas party.
Oh, of course that's her partner.
Her partner is a trans MAGA influencer.
Her partner's trans?
Trans MAGA influencer.
This is the, I'm sorry.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Wait, her partner was a man and is now a woman?
That is correct.
I'm, I'm, I'm, this is fascinating to me.
I believe that to be the case.
I mean, she's beautiful.
She's incredibly attractive.
Look at her face right now, Caitlin.
Is she shitting?
Look at her face.
Yeah.
Well, she's very proud.
Maybe that's part of their whole kink.
That she shits in every picture.
Beverly Hills, I love the back of the step and repeat.
It says Beverly Hills IV therapy.
This is incredible.
And then it says Face Forward International.
Well, her face is forward.
I mean, she's shitting in that picture.
She's an interesting woman.
She's definitely not traditional.
Traditional?
So what does she say?
Do you think they scissor?
Can we get up the tweet about, they have to scissor?
They shear.
That's a hot number she's got there, that woman.
I mean, I, I, the, the woman she's with is stunning.
She's very pretty.
Is she pregnant in that?
No.
She's against that.
She, she's against all of it.
She's against everything trans and gay.
I know, it's so interesting.
I know, it's very interesting.
It's like me, like, it's, it's like you being, well, I mean, we're both homophobic.
We, we, I mean, I'm internally homophobic.
We're relatively homophobic.
I'm not homophobic against my, I'm homophobic against people that are under
like 30.
Every gay person that's been born at a, like, I, if you're like 16, I'm homophobic
because
like, you're just a lot.
The younger gay people are a lot.
And I love them because, you know, you have to love everyone, but they're a lot.
The younger people are a lot.
I'm not homophobic against other people.
I'm homophobic against myself.
Um, because I feel like I'm a sinner, but I am a home.
I'm not homophobic.
I hate when people tell me I need to call myself queer.
Cause I hate that word.
This is why the young people are a little annoying.
I don't care if you call yourself queer, but when girls are like, you need to
call yourself
queer.
I'm like, you've touched a girl's shoulder.
Okay.
Right.
You are not.
I fucking marched.
I, I fist.
I have, I've had been married, have children.
Like, don't tell me I'm a, like one of the first people who, you know, I'm old
school.
Like I, first of all, I've never marched.
I can barely get out of bed.
I was just about to say, where did you march?
Nowhere.
I've never, let me know what, what thing you marched at.
I will lie and say that I marched as well.
I'm like, where did we, the garden city hotel brunch?
I, I marched as well.
I marched right from the maitre d' to the table and then right back.
To complain.
I'm a Jew.
I've only marched to the maitre d' and said, I don't like my chicken jelly.
Well, by the way, it's like, and this is why I didn't last in Austin, Texas.
You need Jews to make things good because they have to complain.
You're right.
Wasps don't complain.
I know.
They don't even like to look the waiter in the eye.
You're right.
The wasps don't even like to acknowledge that they're there in, in an
establishment with
people lower than them.
Jews will complain.
You need that.
Elderly people complain.
Elder, every elderly, if they can speak, every elderly person complains.
That's right.
All of them.
I have a joke.
I had dinner with my mother and she said, I don't like this chicken salad.
I'm like, it didn't even come yet.
Right.
It's in the kitchen and you're already complaining.
They love it.
It's, it's constant complaining.
It's all they do.
Yeah.
Because that's what's left.
But that's kind of like Caitlin's what?
70?
Caitlin's 74.
She's 74?
Jessica, she's an elderly person.
Look at her face.
Wait.
74.
She really, honestly?
She's 74, Jessica.
I have no, obviously, I have no issue with the trans.
I think trans women are hot.
Like a lot of them are fucking hot.
But I, the fact that she is homophobic in so many ways and against gay marriage
and again,
is insane.
But it's, it's interesting because not all gay people and trans people will get
along.
And I guess Caitlyn Jenner, she's also 74.
Right.
I mean.
She's a, here's the other thing.
She's old.
Right.
She's like an old person.
Well, I know, but she's Hollywood.
Like, she's been around.
So, it's kind of, I think she does a lot to be in the spotlight.
She does.
And do you think she really believes everything she's saying?
Come on.
Seriously.
I don't know.
Here, there she goes.
I'll say it retarded, which is spelled wrong.
That is the funniest thing.
What?
But this is a fun, you know, I think she's fun.
I know.
I don't know what's going on.
I know you think it's fun.
I get it.
There are, but there are so many.
But she's not the president.
I get it.
She doesn't have any power.
But, I know.
She just flies a plane every day.
But there's a lot of homophobic and anti-trans people who are getting off on
this.
They love it.
Well, for sure.
They love it.
But are they getting off on her?
They're thinking it's amazing that a trans person is being anti-trans and anti-gay.
I think it's kind of like a circus.
So, I look at it as like it's part of the circus.
But it's funny to me.
If you're homophobic and anti-trans and that is your leader, that is the
funniest thing to
me in the world.
That your leader is a seven foot tall Caitlyn Jenner is hilarious.
Well.
But there's Ellen with her.
Can we get that up?
Can we play that?
Or is that going to get copyrighted?
Have you heard anything about Ellen?
I mean.
Yeah, Ellen's not great, huh?
No.
Ellen is an angry vagina.
Why is she so mad?
Well, she doesn't have enough money.
She's like a billionaire.
Ellen.
Yeah.
I've heard so many things about Ellen.
I've never met her.
Right.
But I've heard that she is just not a nice person.
I mean, I've heard that from personal people who've worked for her, not just
Reddit.
And I know people who have worked in major positions for her on her television
show.
I know people that have worked for her as well.
I know a writer that worked for her.
Very good friends who have worked in major positions.
She's tough.
She's very tough.
And they've all said the same things.
I also never liked the fact that she didn't have comics on her show.
Ever.
She had like Amy Schumer, I think.
She did not have a lot of comedians.
And as a female